Relationship with my boyfriend


#1

Now my boyfriend and I are both Catholic. We have the same morals and values (ie. no sex before marriage, no use of contraception within marriage.) I know I love him. We have been together almost 5 months, by the way. We are dating with the intention of seeing if we are right for each other for marriage in the future (not the near future, mind you.) We are both in college. He is my first boyfriend ever. Things seem to be going really well. He’s my best friend and boyfriend, all rolled into one. He’s all that I could ever ask for in a man.

This is what concerns me, though. I don’t know if it’s just because I’m a girl or just because it’s my first relationship, but I worry ALL THE TIME. I constantly obsess over whether or not he believes I’m pretty or if he might be interested in another girl or if we might break up and I won’t know what to do with myself. I have almsost broken up with him several times simply because I’m afraid: afraid he might leave me, afraid he might stop loving me, afraid things might not work out. Everyone in my family is calling me crazy. They say that when you’re in love you’re supposed to be happy all the time. And I am extremely happy when I’m with him (I feel a strange peace and joy with him, happier than I’ve ever been before.) But when I’m not with him (ie. at home or at school), I worry and become very anxious and question whether I really love him. The fear of losing him and the fear that I might find happiness with someone else in the future is crippling me. I sometimes worry about my love for him because of what society says about love. Dep down, I know I love him and want to be with him all the time. But society and people always say that you’re supposed to be super happy all the time and you’re supposed to get butterflies and your heart is supposed to beat really fast when you see him. But none of that happens with me. I’m just really comfortable when I’m with him. Sometimes I even start to wonder what I would do and who I would date if he and I ever were to break up. I don’t think or fantasize about other guys - I only want my boyfriend - but sometimes I think about how my experience with my current boyfriend will make the next person think I’m a good kisser or something like that. That’s the thing, though: I don’t want anyone else. I just want my boyfriend. I really hope we end up together and can spend our lives together forever. Is my thinking just wanderlust? What does this mean? Does it mean I’m frocing it? Does it mean I’m not in love?

I want our relationship to work. I’m pretty sure I love him. And he says that he loves me. We are both very happy together, and I’m working on overcoming my insecurities in our relationship (I’m praying on it.)


#2

google "relationship OCD". This sounds exactly like it. You will have to, with professional help or by yourself, convince yourself that your fears are irrational and that you cannot always rely on your emotions at any given instant (i.e. you get a random fear that he likes another girl). Instead you will have to realize while you do like your boyfriend a lot, your brain is essentially playing tricks on you through your OCD. Don't give up


#3

I think you are young, and inexperienced in matters of the heart. Just take it slowly. 5 mos. may seem like a long time to know someone but it really isn't. I suggest you date him for one full year (all the holidays, all the seasons) before you decide whether or not you love him or want to go any deeper. During the next 7 mos., you can evaluate him, his family, his relationships with friends and family, his interests, etc. and he can also get to know you.

I saw your other thread and I would caution you VERY strongly not to allow yourselves to get so physical as to term it "making out." You may not get excited but young men are quite excitable and things might go farther than either of you really want, without a lot of self-control. Praying afterward doesn't make it right, either.

I think all your worries and concerns arise because things are going a little too quickly. If you didn't feel so pressured to know that this young man is THE ONE, then how would you feel? Could you put your relationship with him into a better perspective and just say to yourself, "Well, I am getting to know him and we are getting to be better friends, and where we are right now is just fine." Ultimately, you have ZERO control over the other person and that is a good reason not to go head-over-heels - so that in case he doesn't want to continue, you don't get yourself into an emotional mess over it. Especially since he's the first boy you've ever dated! He might not be THE ONE. He doesn't have to be. And you don't have to be his ONE, either. Slow things down and you might feel a lot more relaxed.

Also, don't pay any attention to what other people say. Actually, having a calm and anchored feeling when you are with him is a good sign - it means he doesn't cause you anxiety, which is where that butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling comes from! It's not necessary and I believe in most cases if not all cases, it's really not healthy. Friendship first, romance after is the way to go, because that romantic love does not last through a whole marriage. You have to have more than the butterflies to stay together.

Remember, your first priority is your relationship with Jesus, so if you are neglecting that, then this is not the right thing to be doing. Your boyfriend should be helping you deepen that relationship because ultimately, that's what matters the most.


#4

If you worry all the time about this stuff, you might have an OCD or something.

Part of being in a relationship is learning to trust someone. We all have our insecurities and moments of doubt, but if they're really consuming you, see a shrink.


#5

Ditto what rascal said. One thing my older brother taught me is men dislike insecurity because they are sincere. If they say you are beautiful, accept it...love it...if you cant then youre in the wrong place...a relationship will be futile.

A relationship should be opening up to new things..making you more open to joy...it should never...especally early on..be a draining thing.


#6

The first thing I would do is ignore all the people telling you that "when you're in love you're supposed to be happy all the time". If you have a sense of peace and comfort with this guy, that is way more important than feeling "in love". Feeling in love all the time is not only unrealistic, because those feelings fade, but it's also like an addiction. Not a good thing to have when you're trying to figure out whether someone is going to be your husband.

As for your insecurities- make sure that you are not in a relationship with him because you fear ending up alone. This isn't fair to him. I'm not saying you don't love and care about him, but if you're that afraid of losing him I think maybe being in a relationship is unhealthy for you right now.

Also, if you want to be with him all the time and worry when you're not around him that he might leave you, I agree with the other posters that this is too obsessive. If this guy is a little more confident than you are, then he IS going to get tired of it and all the things you are afraid of might just happen.

Keep in the back of your mind that you and he are both still figuring out whether you're suitable together. Take the focus off whether he thinks you're pretty, or whether he might leave you, and focus on figuring out whether HE is right for you instead. Even if he is, you might not be the right person for him. And that's ok. Because when you love someone, you want what is best for that person, even if it's not you. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is treating their dating relationships as if they were already married, and thinking it's somehow wrong to break up. That's how people end up marrying the wrong person. You may or may not end up with this guy. But don't get so worried about losing him that you become unable to figure out whether he's right for you or not.


#7

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:233999"]

This is what concerns me, though. I don't know if it's just because I'm a girl or just because it's my first relationship, but I worry ALL THE TIME.

[/quote]

I agree with the other posters regarding OCD.

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:233999"]

I constantly obsess over whether or not he believes I'm pretty or if he might be interested in another girl or if we might break up and I won't know what to do with myself.

[/quote]

He is dating you, so he without a doubt thinks you are pretty. Actions speak louder than words. Even if you broke up, you are still going to be attractive to him. So don't worry about that aspect.

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:233999"]

I have almsost broken up with him several times simply because I'm afraid: afraid he might leave me, afraid he might stop loving me, afraid things might not work out. Everyone in my family is calling me crazy.

[/quote]

They might be right ;). Just kidding. You said he is great, so don't break up with him over some worrying.

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:233999"]

They say that when you're in love you're supposed to be happy all the time. And I am extremely happy when I'm with him (I feel a strange peace and joy with him, happier than I've ever been before.) But when I'm not with him (ie. at home or at school), I worry and become very anxious and question whether I really love him. The fear of losing him and the fear that I might find happiness with someone else in the future is crippling me. I sometimes worry about my love for him because of what society says about love. Dep down, I know I love him and want to be with him all the time. But society and people always say that you're supposed to be super happy all the time and you're supposed to get butterflies and your heart is supposed to beat really fast when you see him. But none of that happens with me. I'm just really comfortable when I'm with him. Sometimes I even start to wonder what I would do and who I would date if he and I ever were to break up. I don't think or fantasize about other guys - I only want my boyfriend - but sometimes I think about how my experience with my current boyfriend will make the next person think I'm a good kisser or something like that. That's the thing, though: I don't want anyone else. I just want my boyfriend. I really hope we end up together and can spend our lives together forever. Is my thinking just wanderlust? What does this mean? Does it mean I'm frocing it? Does it mean I'm not in love?

I want our relationship to work. I'm pretty sure I love him. And he says that he loves me. We are both very happy together, and I'm working on overcoming my insecurities in our relationship (I'm praying on it.)

[/quote]

Relationships take work, you won't be happy 100% of the time, but in a good relationship you should be happy more often than not. 'Love' is different for everyone, don't let someone else's view cloud your judgement or perception of your own relationship.

Good luck.


#8

It sounds like you found a prince! If your "issues" have not chased him away and he is hanging in there with you, consider yourself lucky. Do try to get some help. These relationships are supposed to be fun.


#9

[quote="hellosunshine, post:1, topic:233999"]
Now my boyfriend and I are both Catholic. We have the same morals and values (ie. no sex before marriage, no use of contraception within marriage.) I know I love him. We have been together almost 5 months, by the way. We are dating with the intention of seeing if we are right for each other for marriage in the future (not the near future, mind you.) We are both in college. He is my first boyfriend ever. Things seem to be going really well. He's my best friend and boyfriend, all rolled into one. He's all that I could ever ask for in a man.

This is what concerns me, though. I don't know if it's just because I'm a girl or just because it's my first relationship, but I worry ALL THE TIME. I constantly obsess over whether or not he believes I'm pretty or if he might be interested in another girl or if we might break up and I won't know what to do with myself. I have almsost broken up with him several times simply because I'm afraid: afraid he might leave me, afraid he might stop loving me, afraid things might not work out. Everyone in my family is calling me crazy. They say that when you're in love you're supposed to be happy all the time. And I am extremely happy when I'm with him (I feel a strange peace and joy with him, happier than I've ever been before.) But when I'm not with him (ie. at home or at school), I worry and become very anxious and question whether I really love him. The fear of losing him and the fear that I might find happiness with someone else in the future is crippling me. I sometimes worry about my love for him because of what society says about love. Dep down, I know I love him and want to be with him all the time. But society and people always say that you're supposed to be super happy all the time and you're supposed to get butterflies and your heart is supposed to beat really fast when you see him. But none of that happens with me. I'm just really comfortable when I'm with him. Sometimes I even start to wonder what I would do and who I would date if he and I ever were to break up. I don't think or fantasize about other guys - I only want my boyfriend - but sometimes I think about how my experience with my current boyfriend will make the next person think I'm a good kisser or something like that. That's the thing, though: I don't want anyone else. I just want my boyfriend. I really hope we end up together and can spend our lives together forever. Is my thinking just wanderlust? What does this mean? Does it mean I'm frocing it? Does it mean I'm not in love?

I want our relationship to work. I'm pretty sure I love him. And he says that he loves me. We are both very happy together, and I'm working on overcoming my insecurities in our relationship (I'm praying on it.)

[/quote]

maybe you can take a class on marriage and one on human sexuality at college. it will help you with the discernment process.

also you should be dating other people. including him. if he will go for it.


#10

Your other thread sounded more like you thought it was the guy who was driving you off the deep end. Maybe. Maybe you have a more garden-variety kind of nuts.

Are you, generally speaking, the worrying kind, or the kind that, once on a topic, chews the topic to death? Are you finding that starting college has been a stress unlike anything you've ever experience? Yeah, you could have OCD. Still, young people in love act and feel like utter lunatics all of the time, feel like they're going crazy, and very few have OCD. This is why romantic comedies are their own genre. Romance can be a lunacy, but it is a lunacy that a lot of people have some first-hand or close second-hand experience with.

I mean: Doesn't anybody here ever read love poetry? Lovers with a poetic bent are lunatics, of a sort. If you catch that lunacy, before you know it, you think you can write poetry. There is a reason Cupid is depicted as a cherub with arrows. Eros is both more dangerous and closer to an angel than one might imagine.

Hellosunshine, I wonder if your worry doesn't come from a combination of truly falling head over heels for this fellow (an age-old sort of temporary insanity) and putting far too much stock in the cumulative collection of romantic nonsense that has accumulated in your head over the years. In other words, you've fallen head over heels, and maybe more, but this is not what you expected "head over heels" to be like.

This is a life-sized version of that miniature terror that you felt the first time you realized you were really and truly riding a two-wheeled bicycle--no training wheels, and on pavement!!--or the first time you found yourself hurtling down a ski slope without "snowplowing", or the first time you water-skiied. It is this combination of a beautiful thrill that both is better and yet different than you imagined, a certain amount of control that you know you have in theory but don't have the experience to know you have in practice, and the scary feeling that "wow, I am going very fast and I think there are falls from this situation that would tear a limb right off of me."

Yeah, the bike was the miniature version. If, the first time you get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, you are "sort of" attracted and "sort of" concerned you might get dumped and fully aware that you have yet to meet the person of your dreams, then your first relationship is kind of like the bike thing. Sort of scary, but you know you'll survivie it.

If you fall hard the first time you fall, and you fall for someone uniquely suitable, it is about five steps up on the Richter scale from that.

If you fall hard the first time you fall, and with someone uniquely suitable, AND you are the kind who would react to a deer jumping in front of your car by screaming and throwing your hands in front of your eyes, then make that about ten steps up.

That doesn't mean you have OCD. It means you have freaked out in a situation that freaks out a quite a lot of people. I mean you may be very foolish, and in very plentiful company. I'd surround yourself with some people who help you keep your feet on the ground, and don't make any big decisions, save for safety, unless you have to.

If you really feel like you're going crazy, see a counsellor. It is better to find out that the sypmtoms that might have been a heart attack are really indigestion than to assume you have indigestion and then keel over, when you could have seen a doctor.


#11

[quote="Katie966, post:6, topic:233999"]
The first thing I would do is ignore all the people telling you that "when you're in love you're supposed to be happy all the time".

[/quote]

No kidding. Does anyone who has actually been in love really think that? Yeah, maybe that one couple who gets in the paper every other year, the ones celebrating their 60th anniversary who've never had a cross word, or maybe one fight back when they were 22.

Believe me, there is a reason that kind of couple makes the news. It happens, but not very often.


#12

In your first paragraph you said you know you love him. In your last you said you're pretty sure you love him. Maybe you aren't so sure and your insecurities (and you definitely have them, but the good news is they can be worked on!) aren't all that off base and your little voice is telling you to pay attention to all the signals. Both your signals and his. I agree that being in love does not mean being happy all the time, but it shouldn't be filled with constant nagging doubt either.


#13

When you love someone, and they love you back, you should feel alive when you're with them. Also, you should feel secure knowing that they only have eyes for you.

I was in a relationship in high school where I was constantly insecure. Looking back, I realize that I didn't love him, nor did he love me. So glad I'm not with him today.

With this one, I feel happier beyond belief. The only other moments that compare are my traveling experiences. You know why? Because I know he's genuine. No, I don't feel like I'm overlooking the Rift Valley every time I'm with him. I do, however, feel peaceful and relaxed. Do I always expect to feel good? No, but it shouldnt' be a chore. Nor should I feel wishy washy or uncomfortable.


#14

[quote="sanctamaria17, post:13, topic:233999"]
When you love someone, and they love you back, you should feel alive when you're with them. Also, you should feel secure knowing that they only have eyes for you.

I was in a relationship in high school where I was constantly insecure. Looking back, I realize that I didn't love him, nor did he love me. So glad I'm not with him today.

With this one, I feel happier beyond belief. The only other moments that compare are my traveling experiences. You know why? Because I know he's genuine. No, I don't feel like I'm overlooking the Rift Valley every time I'm with him. I do, however, feel peaceful and relaxed. Do I always expect to feel good? No, but it shouldnt' be a chore. Nor should I feel wishy washy or uncomfortable.

[/quote]

I wouldn't marry him without figuring out the feelings--I know what you mean about the discomfort that comes from any relationship where you're forcing a round peg into a square hole--but she's definitely got some conflicting feelings going on that keep this from being easy to sort out. Breaking up with him might be premature.

When you love someone and you are not stressed out or have other issues making you feel crazy, maybe. But there are emotional states in which the person has never drawn breath who can take away the "chore" aspect of life. There are emotional states, both transitory and more or less chronic, in which being in one's own skin has a "chore" aspect. She sounds a little bit as if she has that to cope with. So unless she really comes to the conclusion that the epicenter of her discomfort is this relationship--and she may yet do that--I would think that simply breaking up isn't going to solve her problem.

Sometimes, you can't tell until you take a path and see where it goes. There isn't a single right way to deal with this one. The only route I would* not* take is "just buck up, gut it out on your own and make it work." That is not going to cut it. She ought to share her conundrum with someone, and look deep enough to sort out what she's got going.

IOW, she's on the right track. She just has some more work to do.


#15

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