I am 17 and still learning my religion and there have been some things that have been bothering me. I have been reading on these forums for a few years now and one of the most common justification for doing something morally wrong is that it makes one happy. Now, I rarely am happy and how good is happiness of a measuring rod for life? I know that I should not cause myself pain, but, I get really suspicious of highly emotive situations. I love Catholicism since it is rational and I do not need have an emotional high to have faith. My spiritual life is poor, especially since I have very little time on my hands to pray and teach myself Catholicism.
What has been bothering me is how important are relationships in the life of a good Catholic. I have no friends because I have too much homework to hang out with anybody and when I do go to parties, I typically do not know what to do and do not have fun. And I get an ugly image of romance from what I observe. I am sick of the whole idea of soul mates which is prevalent in popular culture to the point that I am 99% sure most days that I will never get into a romantic relationship. It seems to me that the popular idea is that everyone is entitled to a sweetheart and the purpose of love is mutual pleasure although one has to go through a figurative minefield in order to find that person and most never come out alive.
I would very much love to strongly believe in the Catholic view of marriage and it is a beautiful view. But maybe it can work for some, but I feel sure that it can never work out for me and that I should never put myself out as a potential wife. I feel that I should just go life alone, although I have yet to have received a definite answers from God as to whether or not I am called to be single. It especially does not help that I doubt whether or not my parents actually love each other and I do not really know what a good marriage looks like.
And how much do friends matter or being with other people? I will try to find volunteer opportunities during the summer that will help me to hone my people skills. I have asked before in another thread if I have to be socially competent to be a good Catholic and most people answered along the lines of no, I do not have to be very social, outgoing, warm, etc. I still really should help people, especially now that I will have time. But, is it okay to be unhappy, not depressed but not being very joyful? Because I always feel like too much happiness is bound to be a trap. And, if I somehow offended anybody who tried and happily married, that was not my intent. Any prayers, reassurances, advice, anything would be appreciated. Thanks.