Reluctance of Spouse


Hi, my wife has expressed dislike for the idea of oral foreplay almost any time it is mentioned. Is it wrong for me to continue to suggest it?


Have you asked her why? If she has given you a reason that you feel could be resolved by some action on your part, have you taken steps to resolve it?

If she refuses to give a reason, honestly, I would drop it, especially if the rest of your intimate life is satisfactory. She’s not obliged to do this for you or to allow you to do this for her.

(By the way, if you do ask why, I would ask at a “neutral” time when you are both not stressed or worried about other things, or hungry or tired, and not in the context of sex.)


Are you sure? The husband and wife are supposed to be of one mind and body. The secular world has watered down the holiness of marriage, but scripture (the book of Genesis in particular) is clear.

His wife should at least provide the reasons, if not her consent.


Seems like she gave reason. She finds it objectionable.


I agree that it would be preferable to provide reasons, but in this case it’s not sex overall but one particular activity she does not want to do. If she is still interested in sex in general, then I don’t think it’s wise for a husband to push on this.

There’s also a lot of practical reasons a person may not want to, either give or receive. The spouse could look into those and attempt to remedy them (or show they are a non-issue), but if going that route I would suggest doing so and maintaining it for a while without saying anything, then bringing it up again. One big thing I can think of would be **exceptionally **good hygiene and hair maintenance if husband is interested in receiving.

Many women feel it can be degrading, and the slang terminology often used for it frankly IS degrading. So taking care to show a woman that she is cherished and loved can go a long way (this helps with lots of things and is overall good for marriage IMO) to alleviating this concern.

As far as receiving, a woman may be worried about her own hygiene or hair, or she may be concerned about what she looks like from that “view.” :shrug: This may not be something that really concerns her husband at all, but again, reassurance goes a long way.


So you agree with the Duggar mantra that a woman should just jump into bed whenever her master calls? The wife said NO, that’s the end.


Well, not the forum I’d go to for sex advice but here goes…

As a woman I used to hate this. I was very self conscious about my man going “down there”. But he insisted a lot. He insisted he loved to do it. He insisted it was lots of fun for him. He was very enthusiastic about it. Finally he convinced me that he truly loved it, I relaxed and learned to enjoy it. And then, once I saw how great it was I was eager to return the favor. Before I didn’t want to put my face anywhere near that lol but now I love to. And it was all because he insisted he enjoyed doing it to me. However, I was never mad about his insistence I was just a little self conscious. If she thinksr it’s wrong or something and gets angry insisting might not be the way to go. And again I’m not sure if you’re talking about you to her or her to you, but if you want her to you then you best get good at you to her, if ya know what I mean

Good luck!


To quote a famous country song, "What part of no don’t you understand?"

Why would you keep asking her to do something she finds objectionable?


I agree with this.

Why in the world would you keep asking for something that she doesn’t want to do?

Oral foreplay isn’t required and some women are just put-off by it. Leave it be and move on.


And her honest reply that “it makes me uncomfortable” (which seems clear without asking) should be quite sufficient for a loving husband.


Kinda depends how you do it. A loving husband might want his wife to try a tastey new food, and she might say no at first, but if he really thinks it’s delicious and that there’s a good chance she’ll like it, he could lovingly insist a couple more times…until she finally tries it and she might actually love it! I view it that way if it’s about him giving. If he’s trying to receive then yeah, insisting probably won’t get him anywhere, other than an angry spouse. I’m not saying that’s right but that’s how most women I know seem to be. So in my opinion a man should get skilled at going down on his wife if he wants to receive.


And she may not, and may resent her wishes not being respected. The man needs to judge the situation carefully and not “insist” without restraint.


And she may not, and may resent her wishes not being respected. The man needs to judge the situation carefully and not “insist” without restraint.

I think you both make excellent points.

The OP needs to understand better why his wife is reluctant, and how reluctant.

It’s also unclear which particular act is being suggested - does the OP wish to give or receive the particular act? I think one can try to be a little more persuasive when seeking to give pleasure to the other spouse than when wishing to receive such pleasure. One is a selfless act of giving; the other a selfish act of receiving.



Don’t be slanderous. I didn’t say that the wife should jump into bed at the husband’s mere whim. Control your emotions.

  1. I haven’t read Duggar’s work.

  2. RestlessUntil isn’t a stranger, he’s the husband. He should have the right to access sensitive information.

Catechism of the Catholic Church – The Sacrament of Matrimony.
1664 Unity, indissolubility, and openness to fertility are essential to marriage. Polygamy is incompatible with the unity of marriage; divorce separates what God has joined together; the refusal of fertility turns married life away from its “supreme gift,” the child (GS 50 § 1).

Unity is essential to marriage. If the wife doesn’t trust the husband enough to inform him on why she doesn’t feel comfortable doing certain things, then she doesn’t trust him.

If she doesn’t trust him, does unity exist in their marriage?

I’m not saying that RestlessUntil should be pushy, and I’m certainly not saying that the wife should be a slave. If you got that impression, than you have my apology.


Unity, yes. Part of the couple becoming one is seeking the ‘good’ of the other. If, though she may try her best effort, the wife cannot truly give this to her husband, for whatever reason, the husband needs to back off. It may be physical - there are some people who have conditions that cause pain doing some things - or it may be emotional. In any case, if one spouse has asked for something, and the other has said they cannot, then that should be the end of it. It’s not the actual marital act we’re speaking of, and so even if they WERE giving what the spouse asked for, the marital act would still only be consummated in the traditional and natural way. Repeatedly bringing it up only creates insecurity and resentment; it won’t change things. If it’s a non-physical reason, the spouse will either decide on their own to give the ‘‘gift’’, or not.


From a non-religious prescriptive, it might not be “wrong” but if you keep asking it can make you come off as a bit of a jerk and cause resentment. Something that’s not healthy for any relationship, let alone a marriage.


Thanks for replying constructively and informatively, unlike Kozlosap, who seems to have decided to release the Karken, as the saying goes


I don’t know what the sex talk boundaries are at CAF, but this thread has gotta be skirting very close to the edge.


Actually, I think the vast majority of this conversation has been rather deliberately delicate.


That may be true, although there are a couple turns of phrase in the thread that I’m a little uncomfortable with. Is this something that ought to be discussed on a site like CAF in the first place?

It gets back to the point of CAF being an all-ages forum…

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