If I have fallen in love with a wonderful Catholic girl and feel like we are a blessing to one another and balance out one another’s faults, and I have asked her to marry me, and she has said yes, would it be wrong for me to renounce her and become a victim soul and a hermit/monastic?
I have no reason for wanting to leave her other than the knowledge that the Church teaches that celebacy is a higher calling than marriage for those who can accept it, and a longing for the redemptive sufferings of Chirst. I know I would hate to lose my fiancee more than anything else, it’s the biggest sacrifice I could possibly make for Christ, to give up on the woman I love and to give up my one chance of happiness in this life.
The only problem is, I don’t know if I could keep my love for God, or keep myself from temptation, if I didn’t have my fiancee by my side. She’s the one who brought me to Catholicism, though I kinda brought her to Catholicism too (it’s a long story). I also don’t know how she’d cope - she’s way more emotional than me, and I know that she’s not ready to make such a sacrifice willingly, and I feel wrong about imposing it.
What do I do? Is it wrong to be happy with her? I never wanted to be happy in my life, I only want to please God. The whole reason I found Christianity so appealing is its emphasis on redemptive suffering, on the Cross, on the belief that life has a higher purpose than merely being happy.
I keep trying to see married life as a sacrifice, as sacrificing the right to sacrifice myself because another person loves me too much, but however much I try, it always comes back to just feeling really happy and carefree when I’m with my fiancee. I know she wouldn’t want to be with me if I saw my life with her as some kind of suffering or penance anyway. I don’t know what to do, it’s really hard to desire the thing I desire least, and to want to renounce the thing I want most - how on earth does anybody do that?
Is there such a thing as a sacrifice too far? Is it possible to give up on something that’s so good that God didn’t want you to give it up? I can see how being so happy in love with my fiancee would be a really powerful positive witness to others, while hurting her by leaving her, then hiding myself away and asking God to make me suffer would just make people wonder what kind of a sadistic God I worship. All the same, we need to preach Jesus Christ in the Truth, not to sugar the pill to make Christianity look nice and fluffy and inoffencive. The gospel Truth is that Christ died nailed to a cross of suffering, not peacefully in the arms of someone who loved Him, but despised and rejected of men. I wonder if being a victim soul would allow me to more perfectly reflect the sufferings of Christ.
If it were a straight choice between being disobedient to God or suffering it would be an easy choice. Instead, I feel I have the choice between doing something good for God by marrying and being happy, or doing something that isn’t good at all except that I’m offering it up to Him as a sacrifice. It’s sort-of like Abraham sacrificing Isaac, except God didn’t give Abraham a choice. I feel like God’s saying “you can either sacrifice the goat instead, or go ahead and sacrifice your son like you were going to”. What would have been the right thing for Abraham to do if God had offered him that choice? Would he have been right to save his son, because of love and because God allowed it, or would he have been right to sacrifice him, because it was the very dearest thing he had to give to God?
I’d welcome your advice.