Request for help dealing with sexual perversions


#1

I'm in my mid thirties and I struggle with a problem that is hard to talk about with anyone openly, because it is somewhat embarrassing.

For whatever reason, all of my sexual desires have been keyed heavily toward masochistic tendencies -- my deepest desire is to be dominated and used by a woman, to become merely an object of her pleasure and discarded afterward. This desire will be triggered, for example, when I watch a woman beat a man at any contest or endeavor, ridicule or humiliate a man, wrestle, whip, or beat a man physically, spit on him, or maybe even something simple such as giving him an order. I have had these desires for as long as I can remember. At my core, I desperately want to be the guy who is controlled/beaten/degraded/destroyed by the woman.

There is also another fetish that I have which I believe is psychologically related (I didn't always have this--I developed this when I was in college). It is called voreaphilia, which is a pure fantasy involving women teasing, torturing, eating, or stepping on shrunken men for their own amusement. In the online world there are certain people who create collages by combining two images together -- a normal picture of a woman eating cereal, for example, and a scaled down version of a man is positioned inside the bowl-- so it looks like the woman is eating men for breakfast. It wasn't until relatively recently that I would sit at the computer and download thousands upon thousands of these collages.

I thought the computer-thing was an addiction. But I was able to stop looking at the computer images simply by switching off the computer. I can't stop my underlying desire to be dominated though. There is no switch for that. It manifests itself everywhere I go (the books I read, the movies I watch, even the video games I play have female lead characters who kill males). My rational brain knows my desires don't make any logical sense whatsoever--why would any reasonable, rational person consciously want to allow himself to be beaten/degraded/enslaved by someone else?

I obviously can't handle this problem myself, so I have come here for help -- thinking this may in fact be a spiritual problem as opposed to a psychological one. I need to figure out what is driving me... fix the problem--otherwise I am in for a lifetime of loneliness. You might think these are just silly fetishes--not to worry too much about them -- but the psychological root of all of this is bleeding into other areas of my life. For example, in my whole life, I have never had a girlfriend (I'm in my mid-thirties), and maybe about 8 dates total. By the way, I'm not telling anyone any of this stuff in real life, it's obviously well hidden from prospective dates and not even my parents know. Part of it may bleed out anyway--because I'm always finding myself putting women on a pedestal, even when my logical mind can see flaws in a woman I will consciously ignore them, preferring instead to see a being who is superior to me precisely because she is female, when I am inferior precisely because I am male. I know, it doesn't make sense logically. But this isn't really a thought that I choose to believe by my own volition, it's more like something embedded inside of me, perhaps at some subsconscious level.

I watch all my friends married now, most even have kids and I'm still not even dating. As the sun sets each day, I feel like my options are rapidly closing, life is passing me by. Women my age seem to all have kids now and younger women think I'm too old to date them (you're old enough to be my dad!). If I don't start getting it in gear here pretty soon--I worry that I will miss my chance to marry, and I will be alone (and this is especially scary in my later years because I am an only child so after my own parents die, I will have nobody left to turn to--it will be just me).

Any insight/help would be greatly appreciated.


#2

I wish that I had some really great insight to share. I don't.

I like your idea of treating this as a spiritual problem rather than a psychological problem. Nothing is impossible with God. Satan can and will cause obsessions. The attack from a spiritual position is fairly simple. Mary is the best example of purity. Ask our blessed mother for help. Start by praying one rosary each day. It is sometimes said that a person cannot say a daily rosary and also sin. Mary's husband, Saint Joseph, is a great example of manly qualities. Ask him for help.

Get a priest to bless your house. If you can, ask him to use an exorcism blessing such as the one in the back of Father Amorth's book, An Exorcist Tells His Story. While he is there, ask him to bless some candles and give you some holy water and blessed salt. Ask him to bless your car.

Our main weapon in spiritual battles is grace. Get all of the grace that you can. One great way is through the Sacraments. Go to Mass, receive Communion, and go to frequent Confession. The benefits are broad. Fr. Amorth tells us that Confession is the best exorcism. The devil hates a clean soul.

If you want someone to talk with, send me a pm.

God bless you.


#3

I think you should seek spiritual *and * psychological help- this is a problem that has two aspects to it, which are inter-related but distinct from each other. I do agree with MtnDweller about asking our Blessed Mother and St Joseph to pray for you. There is a Novena to St Joseph called the 'Holy Cloak' which you can find online and may prove helpful. Try to find a spiritual director/ guide and speak to him/her about fasting too.

At the same time, try and seek out psychological help as well. I would recommend that you meet with three psychologists/ therapists and choose the one that you trust the most. You might also want to explore their views on sexual morality too. If they see the pattern you are stuck in as 'normal' they are less likely to prove helpful.

Hope this helps a bit. St Joseph and Blessed Mother Mary, pray for you. Our Lord bless you.


#4

I think this is primarily a psychological problem. What about your Mom? Do you have any memories of her spanking or humiliating you when you were very young? If you associated any of these memories with being loved, it could manifest itself in a fetish later on.


#5

[quote="Thoughtfulone, post:4, topic:231511"]
I think this is primarily a psychological problem. What about your Mom? Do you have any memories of her spanking or humiliating you when you were very young? If you associated any of these memories with being loved, it could manifest itself in a fetish later on.

[/quote]

Are you trying to provide psychoanalysis on a bulletin board? :confused:


#6

[quote="MtnDwellar, post:5, topic:231511"]
Are you trying to provide psychoanalysis on a bulletin board? :confused:

[/quote]

Not really, but if the poster can trace the origin of the fetish it will be easier for him to resolve. Most male fetishes like this one can be easily linked back to the early childhood relationship with the mother.


#7

Yes, there seems to be a heavy connection with my mother.

My mother can be described as a very controlling, independent woman who always forces what she wants upon other people. She threw my father out of the house when I was only two months old. I'm too young to remember any of this though. My father is a very nice guy--people describe him as "getting along with everyone." If he has one flaw, it might be that he is too nice--he has problems telling people "no", so he seems to regularly get stepped on or taken advantage of. But my mother had issues with him, so she kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce shortly afterward. My mother then raised me herself.

My mother never remarried, she did in fact have one one new boyfriend after my father but when he did not propose... she became completely fed up with men and basically lost all interest in the male gender. From that point forward--no man was ever good enough for her. Many guys would try, but none would ever get anywhere with her. She told me she was perfectly happy with her life the way it is now, and she did not need another male baby in the house to take care of. She still holds this attitude.

With respect to getting spanked/beaten in my household -- yes, it would happen, I wouldn't say it happened frequently but it happened. I come from a family of aggressive Italian women. My mother, when she was upset, would either spank me, smack me, grab me by an ear, grab me by the hair, yank me by my arm, etc. My aunt, who also lived at the same house--would also smack me. As would my grandmother, who would smack me with a ruler on my wrist. On some occasions, my mother would even allow my friend's mothers to smack me. Now...I wasn't getting hit regularly--it wasn't like I was a problem child or anything, this happened during a long stretch of time that is my entire life (although my mother continued smacking me in my teens and I suspect would still smack me today if I am down visiting her and she gets annoyed with me). Still, I didn't get hit that often..but when I was getting hit..it was almost always a woman who was the one hitting me.

A lot of the secular counselors/psychiatrists I talk to tell me that sexual fetishes are normal, not to worry about them. When I try to ask for a catholic psychiatrist, health care institutions will tell me that they do not know and cannot ask the faith background of any their staff, because they do not discriminate based on the employee's religion -- if I want some kind of spiritual counseling, I should instead seek counseling with a priest.

I once told these issues to a priest in the confessional, he recommended a specific Catholic counselor to deal with these problems, he gave me the phone number and a website. Unfortunately, the number was no longer in service and the weblink no longer existed--I'm guessing this particular person is no longer in the business.

I will need to look harder for a psychiatrist. In the ideal world I could hire a bunch of psychiatrists -- but I have to be a little bit cautious with my money now because I was recently laid off and currently have no source of income...i.e., I can't afford to go $200/hr with another psychiatrist who tells me "fetishes are normal" and I just need to relax and breathe deeper when I talk to women. Obviously any "free advice" I get on the forum would help also.

Meanwhile, if anyone knows of any literature I can read specifically about how to solve the problem of always wanting to be dominated/objectified by a female that would help. It seems like when I search -- the topic of homosexuality always gets all of the ink. Either that or pornography. This problem seems closer to pornography because I'm guessing if someone were to actually study my brain, they would find that I get the same erotic responses looking at a woman beating, controlling, or killing a man, as most other guys would get, for example, looking at a nude female in Playboy magazine. I'm not trained myself in this field, but it seems that the difference is that pornography concerns objectifying other people for one's own pleasure, where what I have (voreaphilia/masochism) is just the opposite-- wanting to become the object of another person's pleasure.

Thanks in advance.


#8

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I just went on the internet and found a website called CatholicTherapists.com and you can search in your area.

I would also encourage you to seek the Sacraments and Sacramentals as others have suggested. Go to confession, frequent Mass and consider having your house blessed. Also seek out Holy Water and blessed salt these can aid you further.

Jesus loves you so much. He wants you to seek out healthy love and healthy relationships! Satan wants you to see you degrade yourself. You are a creation of God and have dignity...this is not the life that Christ wants for you, you are good to come here.

I wish I could offer you more at this time but please be assured of my prayers, take care of yourself as best as you can.


#9

I think you should definitely see a therapist if this is undesirable to you and yo feel like it's hindering your ability to form relationships.

Having a lot of domineering women in your life and no father-figure probably has contributed to your masochistic tendencies. This is how you were shown love and discipline as a child and so you seem to be seeking it out in your romantic relationships.According to Freud, a boy's mother is his first foray into his own sexual attractions. Normally, this Oedipal complex (seeing the mother as a potential "mate" and the father as a threat) will resolve itself. The boy detaches from the mother and starts emulating and spending time with the father, but in the absence of a father and with so many strong women around, this may have gotten a bit jumbled up.

At any rate, you may always find it arousing to be dominated in some way, but it's certainly possible to bring it into the realm of "normal" sexual behavior/desire with therapy from someone familiar with things like this. Of course, you may always be attracted to aggressive women, but there's nothing wrong with that.

Basically, with a true fetish, the ACT or object of the fetish (in your case being dominated) totally replaces the sexual act itself, so instead of finding it simply arousing, it IS the sexual act. If this is the case with you, it's certainly something you want to address.

Also, I have read that this idea of being eaten whole by a woman is in reality a fantasy about "unbirth", or being brought back into the womb, which of course is a place of safety and security, so there are elements of that here as well.

I completely agree with other posters that you need to pray about this, but therapy is also a good idea. Just try to find a therapist that 1.) Is familiar with sexual matters and 2.) will actually help you to try and control these urges rather than simply convincing you that they are completely normal and you just need to find a dominatrix or something.

Good luck :)


#10

Also, most masochism is related to an unconscious guilt and the belief that one should be punished. The attraction to being eaten whole, or being unborn suggests that you also desire to be nurtured and protected by women (as in the womb), maybe INSTEAD of being punished the way you think you deserve. Maybe if you could resolve the guilt feelings, you would naturally drift toward a more nurturing type of relationship and your inclinations would lessen in their intensity. Just a thought.


#11

Well, I'm a young woman not even yet old enough to drink, but I will give you what I can, because I'm in the same boat.

I've always had submissive and masochistic desires. As long as I can remember, the image of women being beaten, captive and kept has aroused me. Even as a very small child such things were a comfort, even though I didn't understand them.

I too had a rocky childhood. I had no mother, and my father was a very indimidating and neglectful person. In fact by my teen years I'd developed a sexual and romantic attachment to him. In my head I desired to be an object for him, I couldn't please him as a daughter, so I wished to please him as a toy, as a slave. At least then I'd be useful to him.

This desire ovefrflowed into what I imaged my future relationships to be. I was SO happy thinking about how I could submit to the desires of my future husband. I wanted to give him everything he could want. I knew I was ugly, filthy, inferior, and no one would want the good things i could offer, so I had to be like this.

I was CRUSHED when I discoverd I could not live this kind of life in the Church. I mean, DEVESTAED. it was everything I ever wanted and needed, and now I was being told I could not have it. Eventually I realized I had, HAD to rewrite my images to survive.

How did I do it? Fandom. Yup, the very thing that had helped contribute to my fetish is what helped eliminate it.

See, around the time I realized this was wrong, I stumbled across a manga series in which one of the male characters had a similar situation. he had grown up under a horrifically abusive father who beat him, whipped him and used him, and even whored him out to other men. He, like me, developed an obsessive devotion to the very man who made his life hell. Like me, he would do ANYTHING to remain in father's favor, to be loved, held, cared for, and felt like hte DESERVED what he was getting. And like me he assumed submission was the only way to achieve this.

I couldn't see how disgusting my desires were in myself, but reading his story, I could. I saw how damaged he was, how sick, ill, the poor thing. And once I realized i wasn't all that much different than him, it helped.

However, I stil lhad my fettishes, these things still turned me on. SO I turned to fandom again and worked on desexualizing my fantasies. I desired the feeling of being loved, taken care of, of recieving the affection I should have recieved in childhood but was deprived of. So i turned to H/C fanfiction and stories.

H/C is a genre of fanfiction and fandom in general dealing with a romantic or parental relationship of one person caring for another who is sick, injured or hurt. I found solace in these. The stories of another character caring for the aforementioned young man in a fatherly way, picking up the pieces, showing him the love he was suppose to have, it gave me the emotional response I needed without the sexual themes. Also, I turned my fettishes into psychological games. I played with my character's psyche, his mental health and emotions. I explored WHY he wanted that from his father, why he had these desires. I played with mental regression, attatchment and his eventual letting go of his father's grip on him.

I've never been more mentally healthy. I'm engaged now, and where I once thought I could never have a "vanilla" relationship, I now couldn't imagine my future husband doing those things to me.

I know this was a LONG rant, but I just wanted to show that yes, others are going through the same thing you are, and have gotten through.


#12

Thoughtfulone is right as well. It’s never going to completely go away, but you can chanel it into more appropriate ways. A little rough sex or teasing dominance can be in a healthy marriage. even a rough kiss can be satisfying.


#13

You guys might want to read the courage to be chaste by Benedict Groschel.

He makes the observation that we are all tainted or disorder by original sin, and some of our disorders involve things like sexual attraction to old boots.

He relates the story of a young man who had an inordinate desire to look at other males privates, and would stand at a urinal hoping to get a glance at other genitals.

This man cured himself by spending long amounts of time gazing at the Blessed Sacrament instead of other male's genitals, and frequent confession.

I should point out that this man was a priest when he had this problem.

A friend of mine told me a story about a male friend of her who could not stop masterbating and was able to cure himself by very frequent confession (daily) and constant repetition of the rosary. At first he could not make it through a Hail Mary.

What is key to me in both of your stories is that there are models for you to help you - Mary - your mother - Joe Private, and Syri - Christ.

Joe Private - I would strongly suggest hanging around the Missionaries of Charity as there are nuns there who need volunteers to help them with their work. These will be wonderful role models for you. Also a visit to the marian shrines is in order.

Syri - we are all short of perfection and have our problems, even St. Paul had a thorn in his side. I had to go to confession daily in my teens. Don't beat yourself up about it - discouragement is not from God. I would advise you to get yourself involved in some activity which takes your mind off this.


#14

I have no idea what fandom or H/C fanfiction are :confused:


#15

Fandom is the collection of fans involved in something. For example, Star Wars fans who draw art for the movies or go to conventions are in the star wars fandom.

H/C stands for hurt/comfort, a type of fan written story where one character is hurt or ill and is cared for and comforted by another


#16

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.