I'm in my mid thirties and I struggle with a problem that is hard to talk about with anyone openly, because it is somewhat embarrassing.
For whatever reason, all of my sexual desires have been keyed heavily toward masochistic tendencies -- my deepest desire is to be dominated and used by a woman, to become merely an object of her pleasure and discarded afterward. This desire will be triggered, for example, when I watch a woman beat a man at any contest or endeavor, ridicule or humiliate a man, wrestle, whip, or beat a man physically, spit on him, or maybe even something simple such as giving him an order. I have had these desires for as long as I can remember. At my core, I desperately want to be the guy who is controlled/beaten/degraded/destroyed by the woman.
There is also another fetish that I have which I believe is psychologically related (I didn't always have this--I developed this when I was in college). It is called voreaphilia, which is a pure fantasy involving women teasing, torturing, eating, or stepping on shrunken men for their own amusement. In the online world there are certain people who create collages by combining two images together -- a normal picture of a woman eating cereal, for example, and a scaled down version of a man is positioned inside the bowl-- so it looks like the woman is eating men for breakfast. It wasn't until relatively recently that I would sit at the computer and download thousands upon thousands of these collages.
I thought the computer-thing was an addiction. But I was able to stop looking at the computer images simply by switching off the computer. I can't stop my underlying desire to be dominated though. There is no switch for that. It manifests itself everywhere I go (the books I read, the movies I watch, even the video games I play have female lead characters who kill males). My rational brain knows my desires don't make any logical sense whatsoever--why would any reasonable, rational person consciously want to allow himself to be beaten/degraded/enslaved by someone else?
I obviously can't handle this problem myself, so I have come here for help -- thinking this may in fact be a spiritual problem as opposed to a psychological one. I need to figure out what is driving me... fix the problem--otherwise I am in for a lifetime of loneliness. You might think these are just silly fetishes--not to worry too much about them -- but the psychological root of all of this is bleeding into other areas of my life. For example, in my whole life, I have never had a girlfriend (I'm in my mid-thirties), and maybe about 8 dates total. By the way, I'm not telling anyone any of this stuff in real life, it's obviously well hidden from prospective dates and not even my parents know. Part of it may bleed out anyway--because I'm always finding myself putting women on a pedestal, even when my logical mind can see flaws in a woman I will consciously ignore them, preferring instead to see a being who is superior to me precisely because she is female, when I am inferior precisely because I am male. I know, it doesn't make sense logically. But this isn't really a thought that I choose to believe by my own volition, it's more like something embedded inside of me, perhaps at some subsconscious level.
I watch all my friends married now, most even have kids and I'm still not even dating. As the sun sets each day, I feel like my options are rapidly closing, life is passing me by. Women my age seem to all have kids now and younger women think I'm too old to date them (you're old enough to be my dad!). If I don't start getting it in gear here pretty soon--I worry that I will miss my chance to marry, and I will be alone (and this is especially scary in my later years because I am an only child so after my own parents die, I will have nobody left to turn to--it will be just me).
Any insight/help would be greatly appreciated.