Resenting my sick husband


#1

I'm struggling to be charitable right now. Hubby's come home early from work sick and I should feel compassionate and try to do whatever I can to make him comfortable.

But I don't. I feel really resentful towards him.

The reason is because there have been a few days in the past few years when I have been really unwell, and he has not taken any time off to give me some rest (I'm a SAHM). Once I was given a medical certificate for him by a doctor so he could take over and let me rest, and he told me that the project he had on was too important and he couldn't take the time (it was the truth, but it still hurt). :(

Right now I'm 8 weeks pregnant and exhausted, nauseous and have a constant headache. Now he's lying on the couch shivering with fever and I can't even speak nicely to him. Any advice? Any patron saints who might fit this category?

Thank you, I'll stop venting now and go give him a drink or something.


#2

Dear admonsta,

I think you are not alone in your frustration. It is quite common for men to take illness badly, but expect others to push through when they are ill. I don't have any advice, but do try to be as charitable as you can towards him.

Keep in mind that typically men are expected to man up and deal with things, and not relly on others for help. When we get sick, really sick that is, we have no choice but to relly on others for help. It is actually quite cathartic for us to feel vulnerable and enjoy the support of our wives. Try to indulge him a little bit, because it's one of the few times that men can let go a little and feel helpless without you.

[quote="admonsta, post:1, topic:244978"]
Thank you, I'll stop venting now and go give him a drink or something.

[/quote]

;) A drink and an affectionate little pat on the head will hold him for a while.


#3

If I were you, I would look after him, be nice and comforting and all the rest of it, and then when he’s better point out that you would like the same treatment when you’re poorly. It’s not too much to ask for a man to take care of his wife.
Perhaps if he thought about how he would have felt if you had not looked after him, he might realise how bad you have felt when he’s refused to look after you.
I’m all for compassion and kindness, but he definitely needs to be told he’s not been fair. Otherwise he will just continue the way he has.


#4

Absolutely. Let him know how you feel when he recovers from his ‘man flu’.


#5

[quote="ClairUK, post:3, topic:244978"]
I'm all for compassion and kindness, but he definitely needs to be told he's not been fair. Otherwise he will just continue the way he has.

[/quote]

OK, so what is this man doing that is unfair? He came home from work ill, and is now laying on the couch shivering with fever. Is he being demanding or acting helpless? Is he bothering his wife in any way? If he is, she hasn't said so. Well, other than the fact that his mere presence seems to be pissing her off.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a tough gig, and if you happen to be sick it gets a whole lot tougher. But unless you're on your death bed, it just isn't realistic to expect the sole breadwinner in the family to take off work. (A note from your doctor saying that DH can stay home to take care of you? Come on!) So unless DH is truly acting like a baby and demanding all your attention as he lays on the couch, cut the guy some slack.


#6

[quote="rick43235, post:5, topic:244978"]
OK, so what is this man doing that is unfair? He came home from work ill, and is now laying on the couch shivering with fever. Is he being demanding or acting helpless? Is he bothering his wife in any way? If he is, she hasn't said so. Well, other than the fact that his mere presence seems to be pissing her off.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a tough gig, and if you happen to be sick it gets a whole lot tougher. But unless you're on your death bed, it just isn't realistic to expect the sole breadwinner in the family to take off work. (A note from your doctor saying that DH can stay home to take care of you? Come on!) So unless DH is truly acting like a baby and demanding all your attention as he lays on the couch, cut the guy some slack.

[/quote]

You deserve a huge slap on your wrist for this post!

Very unkind post and you also broke forum rules by swearing.


#7

[quote="ClairUK, post:3, topic:244978"]
If I were you, I would look after him, be nice and comforting and all the rest of it, and then when he's better point out that you would like the same treatment when you're poorly. It's not too much to ask for a man to take care of his wife.
Perhaps if he thought about how he would have felt if you had not looked after him, he might realise how bad you have felt when he's refused to look after you.
I'm all for compassion and kindness, but he definitely needs to be told he's not been fair. Otherwise he will just continue the way he has.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:


#8

[quote="Serap, post:6, topic:244978"]
You deserve a huge slap on your wrist for this post!

Very unkind post and you also broke forum rules by swearing.

[/quote]

...I just reread his post twice, he didn't swear, AND he makes a great point.


#9

Yes he did. P*****D off is considered a swear word on CAF and it’s just not nice to use that kind of language.

I stand by my opinion.

She’s 8 weeks pregnant. You’ve obviously never been pregnant and have no idea how hard the 1st trimester is. this woman needs support; not critism.


#10

This is going to be an old fashioned battle of the sexes with men thinking one way, and wmen the other.

This man is going to bite his tongue. Gentlemen, I suggest you do the same.


#11

[quote="rick43235, post:5, topic:244978"]
OK, so what is this man doing that is unfair? He came home from work ill, and is now laying on the couch shivering with fever. Is he being demanding or acting helpless? Is he bothering his wife in any way? If he is, she hasn't said so. Well, other than the fact that his mere presence seems to be pissing her off.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a tough gig, and if you happen to be sick it gets a whole lot tougher. But unless you're on your death bed, it just isn't realistic to expect the sole breadwinner in the family to take off work. (A note from your doctor saying that DH can stay home to take care of you? Come on!) So unless DH is truly acting like a baby and demanding all your attention as he lays on the couch, cut the guy some slack.

[/quote]

How rude.


#12

[quote="rick43235, post:5, topic:244978"]
OK, so what is this man doing that is unfair? He came home from work ill, and is now laying on the couch shivering with fever. Is he being demanding or acting helpless? Is he bothering his wife in any way? If he is, she hasn't said so. Well, other than the fact that his mere presence seems to be pissing her off.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a tough gig, and if you happen to be sick it gets a whole lot tougher. But unless you're on your death bed, it just isn't realistic to expect the sole breadwinner in the family to take off work. (A note from your doctor saying that DH can stay home to take care of you? Come on!) So unless DH is truly acting like a baby and demanding all your attention as he lays on the couch, cut the guy some slack.

[/quote]

what is upsetting her is that she doesn't get any consideration when she is ill AND has a child to look after, but when he is ill he expects to be waited on, when she's not feeling the best herself. That's what isn't fair.
I'm not suggesting that he take time off work every time she is ill...but you have to consider whether it is in the best interests of the child to be looked after by an unwell parent, and whether she would recover faster with some proper rest. I have a young child and when I had swine flu there was no way my child would have been safe alone with me - thankfully my 17 year old took care of him.
He needs to learn mutual consideration. He's a parent too, isn't he?
She's asking for the same consideration he expects from her, thats all.


#13

[quote="ClairUK, post:12, topic:244978"]
what is upsetting her is that she doesn't get any consideration when she is ill AND has a child to look after, but when he is ill he expects to be waited on, when she's not feeling the best herself. That's what isn't fair.
I'm not suggesting that he take time off work every time she is ill...but you have to consider whether it is in the best interests of the child to be looked after by an unwell parent, and whether she would recover faster with some proper rest. I have a young child and when I had swine flu there was no way my child would have been safe alone with me - thankfully my 17 year old took care of him.
He needs to learn mutual consideration. He's a parent too, isn't he?
She's asking for the same consideration he expects from her, thats all.

[/quote]

I like the advice that she look after hubby and then explain to him after, how she feels. Promote peace through love, not war :o


#14

The OP’s husband isn’t doing a thing wrong, Rick. This is simply an unfortunate confluence of events: he’s sick and she’s in a miserable stage of pregnancy. I’ve walked in these shoes, and I feel for both of them. When I was pregnant my moods swung like hormonal whirligigs, and there were times I thought that my husband was “bothering” me simply by smiling at me. Or by sniffling with allergies. Or by tapping too hard on the laptop. One memorable night - about a week before our daughters were born, he stubbed his toe on the corner of the bed. I’d just fallen asleep - quite an accomplishment considering I was as big as an ocean liner and aching from the neck down - and instead of giving him some comfort, sympathy, and perhaps some ice - I flew into an irrational rage, started screaming and bawling at the same time, and ordered him to sleep on the couch. It’s not an incident I’m proud of. But I do understand what she’s going through.

Hormones are something else. :stuck_out_tongue:


#15

[quote="admonsta, post:1, topic:244978"]
I'm struggling to be charitable right now. Hubby's come home early from work sick and I should feel compassionate and try to do whatever I can to make him comfortable.

But I don't. I feel really resentful towards him.

The reason is because there have been a few days in the past few years when I have been really unwell, and he has not taken any time off to give me some rest (I'm a SAHM). Once I was given a medical certificate for him by a doctor so he could take over and let me rest, and he told me that the project he had on was too important and he couldn't take the time (it was the truth, but it still hurt). :(

Right now I'm 8 weeks pregnant and exhausted, nauseous and have a constant headache. Now he's lying on the couch shivering with fever and I can't even speak nicely to him. Any advice? Any patron saints who might fit this category?

Thank you, I'll stop venting now and go give him a drink or something.

[/quote]

:hug1: You poor thing.

Do as much for your sick husband as you can right now. Given your state, he should neither want to expect any Forence Nightengale heroics, but do what you can for him until he's back on his feet.

When he's better, share with him the fact that you need him to give you the occassional respite. If he's truly too busy to do it himself, suggest that he arrange for someone from his family or circle of friends to stop by and watch the kids while you nap or just relax. If that's not possible, he could always hire someone to watch the kids for a few hours to give you a break. Remind him of how miserable he felt when he was shivering with fever on the couch, and tell him that's how miserable you are right now, 24/7. :)


#16

I'm actually with the guys on this one.

Its hard for them to be vounerable. I have a dad and 3 brothers. They often push through alot of sickness and pain and don't talk about it. Like my brother insisted he had "just a cold" until he was out with double pneumonia.

I agree that it is very, very hard to ask an employer for time off to take care of an adult spouse. I think that these days even the best of employeers would feel had. Unless that spouse was paralized from the neck down, there is just no way it'd be acceptiable for more than an afternoon.

This is when it's time to tap other resources. A friend, a grandparent, an uncle or aunt who's retired. Alot of stay-at-home moms really forget that work is work. Yes, stay-at-home moms have alot of work to do...but it is different than being a t a job, especally one that requires physical work or alot of "mental aerobics" like tech programing.

Again, work is work. Being resentful becuase your husband had to work is plain foolish. You can be sad he couldn't be with you, but all that does is hurt both of you. I'm sure, given the choice he'd much rather be home with you.

Once a week I tutor and often help get the crew off to bed. Especally when they're young and so dependant I can't immagine doing that every night. Working with adults, being run ragged then comming home to do everything and not have the advantage to know what's been going on all day. Even if you're super lucky and you work 15 minutes from home away you still gone for 9 or 10 hours. And it's tough.

At the same time I've nannied and know what it's like to not be at my best and have the child's parent just need to veg, while I still care for their kid. That's fine, thats my job. But I think in a husband/wife situation a woman could get resentful.

Point being, cut the guy some slack right now.

I think the real issue is that the OP is not communicating well. The best family I know has "night off" for each of the parents. (when dad gets home he cooks, cleans and takes care of the kids, or mom does everything and dad gets to go out) and manditory "date nights" for the spouses. Each spouse also gets to pick an activity that they can do twice a month or so...like golf or scrapbooking or going to a movie...with "their" friends...

If every night the wife is cooking and cleaning while the husband does nothing, that's wrong.

That and guys are very loving, but aren't natural caregivers. When my grandma is sick my grandpa turns on the TV and gets her soup or tea. My grandma, however, runs to the grocer and make homade soup, get pillows and do other stuff. So, he may feel he takes care fo you..and you may not know it...but that's just "how" he cares, Guys get to calm us down and explain why it isn't a big deal that aunt julie's cousin cathy's daughter annie who said a naughty word dosn't automaically mean that JR will. (nevermind they are 7 states and 3 time zones away). We get to tell guys that helping us to the bathroom is not the same as a puke bucket.:rolleyes:


#17

She mentioned that she is 8 weeks pregnant and exhausted, nauseous and has a constant headache. And also mentioned that she should feel compassion and wants to pray so she will and she was going to get him a drink. She is just venting. What is she doing wrong? It can be very overwhelming when you are taking care of kids and pregnant.

I know when my kids or husband are sick, they do nothing. Just lay in bed and recover. When I am sick, the alarm goes off at 5:30AM and I am expected to still take care of the kids and run the house. The best I can hope for is to slack on the dishes and laundry and no one complains about being out of bowls or their favorite shirt not being clean. Most of the time I just suck it up and deal with my life but once in a while when the kids or hubby are sick, I get irritated with them. If I can still function when I am sick, why do they need to be waited on.


#18

[quote="Serap, post:6, topic:244978"]
You deserve a huge slap on your wrist for this post!

Very unkind post and you also broke forum rules by swearing.

[/quote]

[quote="Serap, post:9, topic:244978"]
P*****D off is considered a swear word on CAF and it's just not nice to use that kind of language.

[/quote]

[quote="Contra_Mundum, post:11, topic:244978"]
How rude.

[/quote]

:crying::crying::crying:

We're awfully sensitive around here, aren't we.

[quote="ClairUK, post:12, topic:244978"]
what is upsetting her is that she doesn't get any consideration when she is ill AND has a child to look after, but when he is ill he expects to be waited on, when she's not feeling the best herself. That's what isn't fair.

[/quote]

Where did the OP say that he expects to be waited on? All she said was that he was laying on the couch, shivering with fever.

[quote="cviolette, post:17, topic:244978"]
I know when my kids or husband are sick, they do nothing. Just lay in bed and recover. When I am sick, the alarm goes off at 5:30AM and I am expected to still take care of the kids and run the house. The best I can hope for is to slack on the dishes and laundry and no one complains about being out of bowls or their favorite shirt not being clean. Most of the time I just suck it up and deal with my life but once in a while when the kids or hubby are sick, I get irritated with them. If I can still function when I am sick, why do they need to be waited on.

[/quote]

If a SAHM is ill, it's not right to expect the same level of "service" (sorry, couldn't think of a better word off the top of my head) from her that you come to expect when she is well. Want your favorite shirt? Iron it yourself. All the dishes are dirty? Try washing one yourself. Everyone should pitch in and help. But expect the sole breadwinner to stay home and care for an adult? Not unless she's at Death's door.


#19

[quote="rick43235, post:18, topic:244978"]

If a SAHM is ill, it's not right to expect the same level of "service" (sorry, couldn't think of a better word off the top of my head) from her that you come to expect when she is well. Want your favorite shirt? Iron it yourself. All the dishes are dirty? Try washing one yourself. Everyone should pitch in and help. But expect the sole breadwinner to stay home and care for an adult? Not unless she's at Death's door.

[/quote]

LOL! Service is fine. I am a maid, nanny and taxi driver :)

I would never expect my husband to take the day off from work. Getting up at 5:30 AM instead of 7 AM and driving the kids to school would have been enough to make me happy. I had major surgery once and need to go for a post-op checkup and to get stitches removed. I could barely walk. He sent one of his interns to take me to my doctor's appointment. I probably scared the young man to death. And since I couldn't drive for 4 weeks, he would just dropped me off at the grocery store and wait in the car not even come in and help. He may be the extreme case when it comes to husbands but I can see her point.


#20

[quote="admonsta, post:1, topic:244978"]
I'm struggling to be charitable right now. Hubby's come home early from work sick and I should feel compassionate and try to do whatever I can to make him comfortable.

But I don't. I feel really resentful towards him.

The reason is because there have been a few days in the past few years when I have been really unwell, and he has not taken any time off to give me some rest (I'm a SAHM). Once I was given a medical certificate for him by a doctor so he could take over and let me rest, and he told me that the project he had on was too important and he couldn't take the time (it was the truth, but it still hurt). :(

Right now I'm 8 weeks pregnant and exhausted, nauseous and have a constant headache. Now he's lying on the couch shivering with fever and I can't even speak nicely to him. Any advice? Any patron saints who might fit this category?

Thank you, I'll stop venting now and go give him a drink or something.

[/quote]

If I were there, I'd pat your hand and get you a cold drink and a washcloth for your forehead. :)

Then I'd tell you to stop dredging up the past and resenting your husband for it. I know he let you down in a way when he wasn't able to help you when you were sick. Has he ever taken care of you in any other way? Like, does he take your car to the gas station or wash it or take care of the servicing? That's the kind of care most men are better at, than playing nurse.

Do you have any relatives around? Is your mom nearby? Sisters? Friends? Those are the people to tap into when you are sick. DO NOT, and I say this sincerely, DO NOT martyr yourself and try to cope when you are sick!!!! Just figure out a plan ahead of time - including, if you can possibly afford it, a person to come in and help you with the kids, your own care, etc. They have such people for babies, like "Rent a Granny" or whatever, I'm sure there are such people for grown ups. Take care of yourself, and whatever you do, don't make the sacrifice for your family and damage your own health in the process. Plan, plan, plan, and don't resent your man!


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