Hi everybody. I don’t want a bunch of attention; only real answers from knowledgable individuals.
I always want to fast, but God showed me one time while I was praying (or sleeping I don’t remember it was like 6 years ago?) what I understood to be the judges Israel shaking their heads in disapproval at what seemed to be a young girl thin as a rail, walking on what seemed to be a tightrope.
After seeing this, I told myself to feel sorry for the girl and started praying against anorexia, but the thought barely slipped into my head that perhaps it was talking about me (in spirit, all humanity is feminine; also, Scripture speaks of ‘the virgin daughters of Israel…’ and not all Israelites were women, but I continue). Now, could this sight have been the impression of another believer on my life, or was it truly from God, or…?
I would fast daily, and make sure that when I sat down to eat, that if my body wanted to eat, I wouldn’t eat, until there was peace, even every bite, to make sure not to walk after the desires of my flesh, but with a clear and peaceful mind, doing nothing in excess.
I walk the tightrope, too, wanting only to do EXACTLY God’s will (thus all the fasting, so I can hear His voice more clearly) but somehow that doesn’t work.
I thought I heard God tell me to fast for 30 days once, so I set out to do it, and on day 27, the minister where I was going told me that it wasn’t God but the devil, and that I had lost alot of weight, etc., so I should break my fast. I have since learned not to listen to so-called minister, as I went against my own faith to listen to this individual.
I didn’t care about the weight I had lost, only doing what I thought was God’s will for me, but I fell because of what he said, breaking my word to God… we were at church, and it was after a small meeting, and there was a prophetess there, and the word she spoke was about, “Is this the fast I choose?” from Is 58. LOL I didn’t catch on at the time (if it was God at all). But both the minister and his wife were telling me that I should break my fast… meanwhile, God was threatening me not to do so… but I wasn’t close enough with God - because, for all my fasting, I couldn’t go close with God for shame over past sins - gluttony and disobedience to His voice - and I broke my fast. Afterwards, I continued to disobey God’s voice and He punished me terribly for it. I lost my mind completely (5 years ago) after listening to this minister, and I can’t seem to regain that level of fervency. After this incident, I had been directed by the same minister to go to cooking school - it must’ve been a message from the devil himself, because this was my greatest weakness!
What ever is done without faith (whether right or wrong) is sin.
Thus, having set out to fast, and many times broken my words, for confusion coming issuing forth from this event, I have lost much faith in my own resolve, and have fallen in a pit of sorts. What is worst is that I am not near God and unable to transmit His power and glory in all I do. I feel completely untrustworthy now, and in my own life, many times it is difficult to discern what is truly from God, and what is from myself.
However, I was fortunate enough to happen upon the Book “Dark Night of the Soul” online, and, in it, they say that newborn souls, new to Christ, want to do many penances (could this also be fasting?) - even against the will of those who are put above them to teach them the road wherein to walk.
I have been sexually molested in the past, and for this reason, trust no one - and much less with the future of my eternal soul. However, there must come a time where I listen to someone who knows more than I do about God… despite not wanting anyone to touch me within.
I find that it is difficult for me to discern whether I was in the wrong or whether he was in the wrong. Either way, the Bible says that whatever does not issue from faith is sin; however, there has to come a time when I am corrected in my faith. God is a very serious matter, and I feel like this whole thing has kind of been irreverent… and not becoming of a follower of God, and I want all of this to END.
I think that I have come to see that in all of these works, I had forgotten the Person for whom I was supposedly supposed to be doing them FOR, and for this reason, lost the reward which ought to have come from doing them - they became dead works; not worship to God with thanksgiving.