I have found myself just existing. I have a career, home, all the other ‘life’ amenities… yet I find myself ‘stuck in the mud.’
-I am 37 and have no local friends, there is a young adult group 20-40 that meet after a late Mass and I drove around the block three times but did not go in. I kept telling myself it’s too late (8pm), they’ll all be too young, they’re probably those ‘annoying youth group Catholics’, you’re too shy, etc… I ended up driving home.
-I found a very very very cheap trip to a Caribbean island today, I have the money and vacation time, but I can’t seem to pull the trigger. If I don’t go I’ll probably just sit around the house all those days. If I do go I’ll get to experience some warm weather, a new place, new food, beaches, swim, etc… but I just keep telling myself, ‘you should save that vacation time for something else’, ‘you don’t want to go alone’, ‘you don’t speak Spanish’, ‘you’ll be lonely and do nothing’, ‘what if you meet someone (friend/girlfriend) you’ll want to have those vacation days then’…
-I am comfortable at my job but live in a city with no family or friends- I have been here six years. I make a very good income but live alone and feel like I am wasting my thirties away. If I move home I’ll be around family and friends but won’t have the same level of career- maybe, I am assuming that. I’ll be admitting defeat by coming home- to what I don’t know. Also, they do drink more in my home town, I don’t want to fall back into that.
This theme seems to be more and more prevalent in my life. Fearing what the future may hold if I make the wrong choice. I am finding that it is keeping me from acting at all, constantly in a state of paralysis. Worrying about losing time, money, career status, possible future opportunity… I end up just being ‘safe’. I know this is wrong, I am looking back on the past 5 years of my life and what have I really accomplished? A few raises? I should state that those years have not been a total waste but they definitely were not ‘full’ or ‘lived’ if you know what I mean.
Can anyone relate to this? What did you do? I really need to stop worrying about tomorrow as long as I am doing God’s will today.