same-sex attraction


#1

Hello. I am a 20 year old heterosexual male. However, on occasion, I find myself attracted to physical, masculine aspects of attractive men. Also, I feel uncomfortable around flamingly gay men, maybe not attracted… but maybe it’s the false femininity about them that triggers the instinctual attractiveness to womanly attributes.

This makes me feel insecure. I have a girlfriend, am planning on marrying her, and certainly find immodest women a temptation. Where is the line between gay and straight, and how do you suggest dealing with these feelings?


#2

You sound more confused than gay. Search your will. Are you viewing your sexuality as a gift to be given or an itch to scratch. If it is the latter, welcome to the fallen human race. I would suggest that the latter is true for you by your statement that immodest women are a temptation. There is a higher way of understanding what it means to be a human being and the role of sex. Please read John Paul II’s Theology of the Body or at least read any of the Christopher West books on the topic.


#3

Beautiful answer! I would also suggest that the OP may be confusing attraction with admiration of the traits of some men. I wholeheartedly agree that the problem is tied to the OP’s view of sexuality.


#4

It’s a gift I’d like to give, but not to any guys lol. Sometimes I wonder if I would or not, but not usually. Normally the thought of sexual behavior with a male does not repulse me or cause me to run to the bathroom before I puke, and I am ok with that because it’s not something I dwell on anyway. However, if I am in a period of confusion and am not repulsed by the thought, I worry.

If it goes beyond feeling like a gift I want to give it to my wife, then to me it is a burden.


#5

Bless you for turning here. :slight_smile: I hope you find thoughtful discussion here, there are a few posters who have experience with this so I hope they turn here to help you in your journey.

My thought is what do you think causes you to have these feelings? In my experience, it seems that a lot of homosexual formation has to do with father/son relationships and conflict within that or similar strong male role modeling that was conflicted in some way. Could you be looking for male validation but confusing that with the validation found in sexual relationships, in the way that secular society has confused sex with love?

I would suggest you probe deeper before committing to marriage. You should talk to someone about these feelings. Have you heard of Courage? There may be a group in your area, and if you don’t want to meet with a group, you could always call the local group leader in your area and have a private discussion.
couragerc.net/

Bless you and stick around. I’m sure some other more knowledgeable people will post in soon. :smiley:


#6

I’ve always admired my father and felt like a had healthy relationship. I also go to an extremely liberal school and there are a lot of gay people and I am constantly exposed to that ****. I am also not particulary aroused by visuals of guys but could be if I tried? I just figured God made arousal and attraction pretty visual for guys so it wouldn’t be hard to pervert it.

I also used to be addicted to porn for a little while. USED to be. Naked men with naked women never bothered me.

I don’t know, I guess I never really went through a confusing phase in high school so maybe it’s just happening now.


#7

It’s not that unusual for young men and women to experience some confusion. Check out the Courage website. Consider doing therapy with one of thier recommended counselors. You’d be a good candidate since it seems you don’t want this attraction .


#8

Sometimes that happens sometimes- it’s probably just hormones. At your age, hormone levels are very high and may cause you to think this way sometimes. You may want to mention it to a priest in confession. Even if you don’t have sins related to it to confess, it may help to have someone to talk to in person.


#9

I have a very liberal, pro-gay priest. I’m not mentioning a word lol. I usually drive 45 minutes to confession. I’ve talked about this with my girlfriend many times. She understands and doesn’t judge me, which is nice. It’s more embarassing than anything else really.


#10

I’ve gone through similar confusing thoughts. I prayed about it and realized that it wasn’t that I was attracted because I wanted to be with them, but because I was going through an emotional time and they were nice, pretty, and had many qualities I liked, and some I wish I had myself. I’m a girl and attraction seems to be more focused on personality and traits more than the physical side, but just thought I’d share. You’re not alone.

Also, with our generation its almost impossible to be revolted by homosexuality since its something thats been thrown in our faces since we were very young. The secular world has done its job in making us almost view it as “normal”. Therefore, being revolted by it is hard to do. Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. Either way doesn’t make me homosexual.

I will pray for you, I hope you will find peace with these comfusing feelings. Take care and God Bless.


#11

There are a couple of takes on this.

There is a long tradition of ‘sympathetic magic’ in many cultures, where taking something in to yourself makes you more like that thing. Thus eating a wolfs heart makes you a better hunter, a lions heart makes you braver, a bears heart makes you stronger. You might think you see this sort of thinking in Communion.

In this context you might consider whether you are indulging in some primitive/instinctual magical thinking, and you whether contact with these men will increase you attractiveness, masculinity, etc.

I am not implying any deficit in you, but in my experience there is always someone around who is ‘more’ of what you want yourself to be.

Is this same-sex attraction? Not as usually defined, it is the sort of encounter that happens in the gym showers after hours, that’s all. non-habitual social context dependent activity. in terms of ‘sin’, it is much closer to the same-sex activity condemned in the bible as it contains a component of sorcery and idolitry.

I dont go for the talk that you only ‘admire’ these men and are confusing that with attraction. I think that is just trying to reframe the emotions and will increase confusion, not reduce it. However, if you put some credence to this, indulge in list writing. List the names of men you admire and the names of the men you find attractive. Note any that occur in both, and note any that occur only in one. Then judge.

You shouldnt think of this as a done deal. The age of realising you are gay is falling thanks to increased awareness, greater visibility, and normalisation of same-sex relationships, but not so long ago people would be acting on their true sexual orientation in their mid 20’s, even today I sometimes meet people who have just come out, even though they are in their 40s.

If you think you might be bisexual, it’s worth knowing that I have never met a bisexual man or woman who did not end up with a man. Make what you wish from that.

Good luck.


#12

Why stop here on your “wish list”? According to your logic, the OP might as well ask these guys out on a date and indulge in this thoroughly unhealthy lifestyle to further discern what is God’s will, ehhh? Sort of like any other perverse or self-destructive behavior that violates natural moral law, …first indulge, then get hooked, then wait for the crash or die waiting to hit bottom, ehhh? By your logic it is a done deal already and just a matter of discovering his true psychosexual identity.


#13

I’m not gay. This is not a constant barrage of feelings. Note I said “on occaison” in my OP. These aren’t really guys I know either. It’s just a sometimes attraction to physical attributes. I really have no desire to date a guy, although sometimes with the way women are, it’s a growing possibility! (joke :stuck_out_tongue: )


#14

We know this, and other posters have offered intelligent and empathetic responses that normalize the passing phase and phenomenon of such gender incongruent sexualized feelings. I was simply accentuating the absurdity of poster Digger71 comments and would add that his exemplifies the common strategy of gay activists to entice, lure and predate upon the vulnerable in order to add to their ranks the number of those living a self-destructive lifestyle …the old “misery loves company” adage.


#15

I am merely pointing out that what Reclaimed has described is not what is typically called same-sex attraction, but is of another genre of feelings to the ones that lead to same-sex dating and long-term commitments. It strikes me what has been described is interestingly atypical. Reclaimed has pointed out it’s purely physical, again, extremely atypical (though it happily sits well with some notions that same-sex attraction is typically about lust and narcissism, two of the favourite pseudo-explanations trotted out here and in other places)

Is there a wish list involved? No, clearly not, it is a tool for analysis and checking the validity of the admiration = attraction theory. The list, of course, would either stunningly confirm the theory, or debunk it entirely.


#16

There is no legitimate relationship commitment based on a disordered sexual desire, i.e., natural law trumps your “admiration = attraction theory”.


#17

No one mentioned legitimate except you, a qualifier you have had to stop the rest of the sentence becoming nonsense. Clearly, legitimate or not same-sex couple do make commitments and no amount of la-la-laing changes the facts on the ground.

In anycase, that is a distraction from Reclaimed’s post.

The long and the short of it is it’s not an intense, constant physical desire, he isn’t romatically drawn to men, he doesn’t seem particularly bothered by it with the noteworthy exceptionthat he seems to think he should be repulsed. And as a topper, he is physically and romantically attracted to women.

Unless Reclaimed is dramatically understating things, he’s got nothing to worry about.


#18

I agree. In my opinion an occasional attraction to the desirable physical qualities of men (or women) isn’t an indication of sexual orientation. Human beings are wonderful creations of God. Admiring characteristics in people (in a healthy way) is nothing to be concerned about. A puritanical culture has conditioned us to think that admiring beauty in people of the same sex is horrible and must be repressed.

However, I resent the idea that we should be “repulsed” by same-sex attraction. (I know I will get a barrage of negative responses to this.) Those of us who are gay are constantly told how “repulsive” and depraved we are. I think same-sex attraction is natural for some of us and is a gift from God. I battled for decades trying to repress my attraction to other men; only later in life did I accept who I was as a gay Christian man who was loved by God and had an important place in his church.

Tu Amigo, Pablo


#19

You mentioned that you have used pornography in the past. Porn objectifies and sexualizes both men and women and their body parts. It trains the mind to see men, women, situations ext… all in a sexual way. I don’t think it is surprising that if you have used pornography you would have confusing feelings in regard to sexuality.

Pornography contains all sorts of perversions and uses the presentation of ever more twisted or shocking images or scenarioes to enhance the excitement of the viewer. It does great damage and has damaged your view of sex and purity of heart.

I wouldn’t worry that the feelings you are experiencing “mean” anything. Some people, through the use of pornography are sexually drawn to animals and yet this does not mean they were born or destined to be in a sexual relationship with an animal.

I would, however, take the damage porn has done to your mind very seriously and do everything you can to repair it. My husband was addicted to porn before we met. During the time we dated and until we got married he thought that the problem was solved and was something he had left behind. Unfortunately, as soon as we were married, on our honeymoon in fact, he experienced intense temptations and fell back into masturbation and pornography. It took him 3 years to open up to me about this problem. Our marriage nearly fell apart. Luckily through the grace of God, his seeking the right help(12 step group, accountability partner, ext…), and total honesty he is overcoming this addiction day by day. Our marriage is healing and growing stronger everyday. We both are learning the meaning of healthy sexuality.

I have no idea if you were “addicted” to porn or if your situation is in any way similar to my husbands. It really sounds like you are already very honest with your girlfriend and that is wonderful. I only share our situation with you to convey how important it is for you to seriously take the advice of the people here on reading about healthy sexuality(Christopher West is very good) so that you and your potential wife can have the best start and chance for happiness together. If you do get married she is making a beautiful gift of herself to you. Try to make the best gift of yourself that you can as well.


#20

I am not repulsed by same-sex attraction, nor do I think that gay people are depraved or “repulsive”. However, I do not think that as human beings we have the right to pursue any feeling we have. I can not cheat on my husband even if I feel like it. Some people deal with alcohol addiction their whole life. Some suggest that alcoholism is genetic. A horrible temper could also be genetic. This doesn’t mean the alcoholic should drink himself to death or the short-tempered person should beat his children. Obviously our responsibilty to God, ourselves, and others goes much further than genetics or feelings.

If an alcoholic drinks he hurts himself (physically/spiritually), his family, society (he might be a bad employee, or drink and drive) and thus hurts God. In the same way someone who practices homosexual behavior hurts himself (the sexual act of homosexuality is physically damaging and considered high-risk sexual behavior/ also the church strictly teaches that to practice homosexuality is mortally sinful so the person cuts himself off from God’s grace and the church), his family (this could be any partner he includes in the behavior for the reasons mentioned above, as well as family members hurt by this choice), society(this could include anything from higher medical costs to displaying a distorted image of sexuality to children) and again thus hurts God.

God does indeed love you immensely and I’m sure has a plan for you. He calls you to love Him with a selfless love, not a selfish love. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that because you feel gay, God wants you to give in to these feelings. Yours perhaps is a heavy cross, but we all have one. We all have to sacrifice our feelings of desire and want in order to truly love God and those around us.


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