Saving first kiss question

Hello all,

I would like your thoughts on a topic that my boyfriend and I have been discussing. When I was in the 6th grade, I wrote a letter to my future husband that I would save my first kiss for him (I still have the letter). And as I’ve grown up (I’m now a senior in college), I have kept this mentality that I would save my first kiss for my wedding day. I didn’t date all through high school and only started dating my sophomore year of college- so I wasn’t really “challeneged” in this area because I was never presented with the opportunity to kiss someone.

The young man I am dating now, is a very good Catholic and we have been together for ten months. We haven’t kissed (on the lips) yet, but we’ve done kisses on the cheek, forehead, etc. He doesn’t like this “rule” of mine one bit, because he doesn’t think I have a valid reason to be doing it. We have done other forms of physical affection that one could argue a couple might do after their first kiss. He says that if we end up getting married, he’s not going to be super thrilled that I’ve “saved my first kiss for him.” He says he’s not going to kiss me and think, “oh my goodness, I’m so glad we waiting all these years.”

We’ve talked quite a bit about this topic,and he’s convinced that I’m just holding out so I won’t give up on this little challenge I’ve given myself. He’s partly right… That’s kind of what it’s turned into. But the other part of it is that saving my first kiss for my husband is just something that I’d like to do. I think it’s cute, sweet, different, unique. For me it’s not that hard (because I don’t know what I’m missing I guess…), but I know he wants to kiss very badly.

I don’t see anything wrong with kissing. And I definitely see where he’s coming from with his argument that we already are ok with doing things that a couple usually does after their first kiss, so it doesn’t make sense that we don’t kiss.

I’m rather confused, and I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to kiss him just because he’s asking me to. If I decide that I want to start kissing, I want it to be because I want to. What do y’all think?

It does seem a somehat arbitrary restriction. You are saving more than just a kiss for your husband, and I struggle to see that drawing the line where you have adds merit to that. Only you can decide why you are doing it, and if the reason is sound.

Don’t do what you don’t want to do/are uncomfortable doing.


Your boyfriend should respect your wishes. He went into the relationship knowing this, he shouldn’t be trying to change it now. It’s your thing, don’t let him change it. You will regret it. It’s your lips and your body. I had the same problem except it was with sex. Obviously a little different but she had it in her head that she was going to change that. Well guess what. She did. Of course it was my fault too but someone shouldn’t be looking to change someone’s way of thinking or morals going into a relationship. You’ve kept this idea for this long, why change it now. What’s another year or two?

Give only what you want of yourself. Even if others may see it as silly, only you can decide these issues. Too often women give into demands from boyfriends that are illicit. Even if this demand is not illicit, it is still a demand. Only you should decide what you offer others in any relationship.

t is so beautiful that you wish to save your first kiss for your husband…your future husband would be so delighted that you saved it for him rather than kissing countless guys…if he loved you he would respect your morals and not try and force you to do something you want to save for your future husband…it probably isnt special to him as he he likely has kissed other girls and likely isnt your future husband

If he wins this battle you can guarantee the next thing he will be pressuring you for is sex…

Stand your ground…just think how glad you will be when its time for the bride ans groom to kiss after the ceremony on your wedding day and you and your husband kiss…and your first kiss will be a special kiss that will be captured on your wedding video and photos…

And why does he feel the need to force a certain type of affection out of you. How does a kiss have the same meaning to him if it is forced out of you. It is incredibly selfish of him. I am sorry to say this but this is bothering me a lot. I certainly hope there is not any other control issues in your relationship. Here’s my advice, don’t be blinded by love. If you see things that might be red flags, then they probably are. I pray the best for you.
God bless!

Stand firm in your convictions.

LOTS of posters are missing the point. The OP does not have a moral objection to kissing, and does not think that kissing is a type of intimacy that is inappropriate to her and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is not out of line here, so far as I can tell.

Aggie Girl, my wife had the same rule, and for similar reasons. This rule did help us avoid inappropriate intimacy to some degree, though (like you) we did do some things that couples normally only do after kissing, too. I think you need to make a decision for yourself and stick to it. Neither decision is wrong. If your reason for doing this is simply your pride, it’s probably a bad idea.

But either way, if you do set down the rule firmly and make it clear that you’ve thought it over, he should stop bugging you about it. He probably senses that you’re not firm on the issue right now, so that’s why he’s pushing you to clarify your reasons for it.

Quote Beyonce to him: "If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it."

More seriously, I admire your high standards!

I don’t think that you need feel completely bound by such a childhood promise. You are now an adult and old enough to discern marriage. You don’t need to kiss just to do it for thrills, but you could kiss someone you are seriously considering marriage to.

Your boyfriend is right and there is no reason not to kiss him. However if you don’t want to kiss him then don’t it is your body not his. Still men need to have physical contact and affection because that is their nature in a sense

I am a guy, 25 and faithful Catholic. I think what you are doing is sweet. :slight_smile:

The fact that they guy you are seeing is not impressed is a bad sign. You will not enjoy kissing him, because his motives are not pure.

Even if you do end up kissing somebody before you are married, you should not feel pressured into it. You will feel manipulated out of something special.

That’s how I feel. The boyfriend is well within his rights to express that he doesn’t feel the same way about kissing as the OP does, but ultimately he should respect her wishes about it. If he’s not willing to do that, that would suggest to me that he’s not good boyfriend material. I don’t know if there’s enough info in the OP to make a determination about that.

This is the part of your post that really jumped out at me the most. I think your inclination here is correct. If you decide to kiss, make sure it is because you want to and not because you feel outside pressure to do so.

It seems like you have already had the internal dialogue with yourself. Basically, you don’t want to stick to this rule out of mere pride, but neither do you want to throw in the towel now just because your boyfriend wants you to. I don’t think any of us here can resolve that inner conflict for you. You have to figure out for yourself what is going on in your heart.

I would just say that, if you do decide that you are ready to set this rule aside and that you really want to kiss, it would be a good idea to be clear and precise with yourself and your boyfriend what the boundaries are going to be. The no kissing rule is a clear line you have drawn. Don’t erase it without knowing where the next line is going to be. Or else you put yourself in the position of having no discernible lines at all. That will make it more difficult for both of you to maintain chastity.

I don’t agree with other posters that once he gets you to kiss him, next he’ll be pressuring you for sex. I mean, I guess that could happen, but if he’s a good Catholic guy who has managed to go 10 months without kissing you, that seems a bit unlikely to me. Still, though, he should respect the boundaries you have, even if he doesn’t quite agree or understand. After all, what would a kiss from you mean to him if it’s coerced? That would not be doing either of you any favors.

God bless you as you discern your relationship.

:thumbsup: You’ll have to decide if saving the kiss is really that important to you for matters of faith and conviction, or if you’ve held onto it for so long that it’s taken on a meaning in and of itself.

I’d vowed that the first baby I’d ever hold would be my own. As a guy, that’s actually pretty easy to do. However, shortly before our first was born, my wife kinda let her feelings be known, “How can you be of any help?! You’ve never even held a baby!” :blush: :stuck_out_tongue:

Granted, I hadn’t abstained for any faithful reason. But it had become one of those obsessions people are susceptible to developing.

Hello! I think it is a beautiful and wonderful thing to save your first kiss for marriage! Don’t let him convince you otherwise! Even if you like him, if he is pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to do, I’d rethink your relationship or have a discussion about it. If I get married, I am going to do that as well! I think that if it something important to you, he should respect. Also, I think you should discuss the whole "He says he’s not going to kiss me and think, “oh my goodness, I’m so glad we waiting all these years.” That is insulting to you. He should cherish you, and all the moments he had with you. If you plan on possibly having a deep relationship, he should be ecstatic to wait to do anything with you. That is just my person opinion though!

It sounds like you two are having an open discussion about it. Frankly, you are entitled to stay committed to your promise and he is entitled to want to share a kiss with you. He may be thinking that he wants to show his affection to you and desire the intimacy that comes along with it. There is certainly nothing wrong with either of those things - morally, according to the Church or otherwise… And of course, there is nothing wrong with sticking to your personal commitment. Ultimately, it sounds like the two of you will have to decide which is more important to the two of you as a couple.

Honestly, I can’t picture getting married without having kissed my spouse. Physical affection is important and compatibility in that area is important.

I don’t know what these “other forms of physical affection” are, but it sounds like you are sending him mixed messages. I’d probably be confused too- why is a kiss so special if you already do “things a couple does after kissing”? No need to go into more detail about what those things are, but think to yourself how logical you are being (or not, as the case may be). There is typically a progression to things, most of which ideally happens after marriage. Kissing can be chaste, but there isn’t a lot beyond a kiss that is.

If you don’t want to kiss him, you shouldn’t do it. And he shouldn’t pressure you. But that also means you probably shouldn’t be sharing other kinds of affection, either.

I totally agree with this. Regardless of why you have this principle, your boyfriend knew about it and should not push you to do something that you do not want to do. Seriously, as others have said, stick to your instinct, and if your boyfriend continues to pressure you, I would definitely consider where this relationship is headed.

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