Scared of Relationships


#1

I have always been wary of relationships. I have only ever had one serious girlfriend, and after three years she cheated on me and left me. Needless to say that jaded me even more than what I was previously. On top of that, it probably doesn’t help that my mom is on her third marriage, my dad his second. And don’t forget about the family around me that has been married over and over as well. I really do have such disdain for all of it, and it probably has affected me.

Also, I am so scared of ending up with someone like my mother. Don’t get me wrong, I love her and we can have good times. But so much of the time she is mean, selfish, condescending, and so on. She believes that her new husband does no wrong and will go to the end of the world to defend whatever he says. It really gets at me. But she really is another reason I am so scared. I don’t want someone like her. I want someone more moral, nicer, etc.

Maybe my vocation is to be alone…but I hope not b/c I sure have a strong desire for a mate.

dxu


#2

Well, after what you’ve seen growing up and what you have been through personally, I could see why you would be scared. In fact, it’s probably a good thing.

Do you have any access to counseling? I know men don’t typically like to do something like that, but I think you might get a lot out of it. It might help you to realize some things about yourself, and give you some insight on how to avoid marrying someone who won’t be honest and faithful or someone who is selfish and mean.

I’ve recently divorced after a 17 year abusive marriage, so I’ve been to counseling and have done some reflecting myself. I think it is important to find someone who will help you live your faith. Some other important features to look for are someone who likes you for being you and who you like for being her, someone who you can be completely honest with, who isn’t into blame or guilt. Look for someone that you can have a relationship with that has a good balance of give and take. Beware of a relationship where the focus is on just one of you. I’d just say in general take it slow and get to know someone as a friend, before you start getting too romantic. That would probably give you a more solid foundation for a lasting relationship.


#3

The balance is a problem. I remember people telling me I said things or made moves too soon in a relationship, while at other times they would say I was too slow and the girl thought I wouldn’t ever. The conclusion, after years, is that it doesn’t really matter what people say, and that it doesn’t really matter if it works or if it does not. As two wrongs don’t make a right, neither will a dozen of lies, omissions, unhealthy compromises and unwarranted concessions make a happy relationship. Sometimes I think one got to do the right thing and God will reward the righteous. Kind of an Old Testament view, isn’t it?

At any rate, I can see some similarities to my own situation. In fact, quite a lot. Wish we could meet at a beer and talk about life in reality. Anyway, you nailed it: you need someone moral and honest. Since you’ve experienced a lot of injustice in your life, while clinging to justice with your spirit, you probably have such a sense for it that you need someone with very precise views and a defined heart. That’s something thought of as a male virtue, though it’s by no means exclusive, especially as a virtue (perhaps as a personality trait it has some male character), but surprisingly, compassion that’s normally regarded as female, doesn’t have to go wrong. Perhaps you need a good girl to show you that compassion is a sister of justice. Just make sure you don’t run into someone with a pattern of double standards and peculiar logic, although beware that you will not escape misunderstandings and even strifes totally. At many points you’ll be at a loss or even annoyed by the way a woman things as opposed to a man - although there’s more to it than the sexes. Generally, it’s hard to accept someone else’s perspective as as valid as our own. Especially if one has a strong sense of justice, and developed views.

The difficult thing is that things will not be done your way. That sometimes you’ll be doing things someone else’s way and that while you’ll want to do things your way and will have the ability to make that decision, you will still want the other person to accept rather than just follow you. I hate the word “compromise”, but some meshing has to happen. And finding someone just like you is not the answer. Sometimes finding someone with differing perspectives can be quite enriching. People with similar perspectives will still find differences.

As for girlfriends, well, don’t worry, and try not to judge all of them by just one. The future one(s) is (are) not responsible for the past one. They don’t even need to be compared favourably, they’d better not be compared at all. Each of us is different, no matter 98% of the DNA is the same, if not more. I’ve had so many failures with could have beens and proper exes, it’s hard to expect anything else. But I still hope for the right one at some point, although I can’t imagine it and I realise it might well not happen, but that’s a part of it and a part of life. It’s not like I can’t be productive otherwise.

Don’t let it all grind you down.


#4

I don’t view my one real relationship as a total bust because it helped me put what I really want into perspective AND it helped steer me towards the Catholic Church (I was Methodist).

But finding someone that is pro-life, pro-Church, and is eager to follow Jesus is very difficult in this day and age. So many of the people I know are either agnostic or atheist. Girl’s don’t want to use NFP, they want gratified without the so-called “risks”.

I have a great number of sins that I am not proud of BUT, I am changing and trying to make things right. I want to find someone that knows what it truly means to be human, Christian, etc.

somewhere over the rainbow…:o

dxu


#5

Tell me more. Been using a general contact service today to get back in touch with some friends from olden times (general means not specifically Catholic, but 90% people are baptised Catholic in this country anyway). Took a look at such groups as might apply to me by location, too. Guess what. Most women between mid teens and thirties seem to have a hobby list beginning and ending with clubbing and/or a couple of photos in questionable attire and/or membership in some group like “kissing techniques”, with a strong tendency towards “and” rather than “or”. J’ignore…

Stuff like that really makes me scared to spend time on a girl. Just thinking about the probability that this or that will happen, that this or that will come out, makes me wonder if it’s even worth starting. And I’m obviously not talking about clubs and other such where I no longer go. Even if it were the churchyard after mass, the probability still stands. And come on, more or less coherent Catholicity is not the one and only thing.


#6

True it is not the one and only thing, BUT a good Catholic’s everyday life is shaped by their faith. So in essence, their faith is the rock of their life. Therefore, it is terribly important.

my opinion of course

dxu


#7

We pray for you and your relationships for healing and grace. Perhaps you could join or attend gatherings or groups that have a special interest to you at church. People with like interests such as yours can usually be found as members of those groups.

Please don’t let your past experiences, or the experiences of family disappoint you. You are an individual and continue to pray for guidance and in due time I’m sure you will be rewarded for your virtues.


#8

Yup. I second this advice.

Yup. Wouldn’t even have mentioned it otherwise. The most important thing, though it eludes labels. While there are non-Catholics who could be compatible, that’s scarce and difficult already. On the other hand, while you might actually build on faith alone - as in any two good Catholics of the right sexes and no impediments should be able to make it, but there are more qualities to share and there’s more that appeals to people in others, so the circle narrows. But stick to your beliefs and you’ll be rewarded. In this or that way.


closed #9

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