Sometimes we feel worse and suffer most when we have no clear decision or direction.
To clarify we need to make some research, self-questioning, and then do something to actively check the possibilities…but we do need a clear plan or we wear ourselves out.
Consider if you did feel called to be a religious, it would be as a contemplative prayerful nun or as a sister active in the community, as a nurse, teacher, or missionary, or any other likelihood.
Contemplative nuns do have a community life, work in the garden or fields, often have some small supporting industry, and spend prayer times together and alone.
Each kind of community has its own challenges and benefits, and it’s a lifelong choice.
For years I wanted to be a Carmelite nun but it wasn’t to be.
And everyone believed it would be so…though I remember no priest ever said anything about that. My mother died when I was just younger than you and as I had several younger brothers and sisters, my practical considerations were in helping Dad give care to the little ones.
Instead, marriage and children.
My parish priest discouraged me, but as he left the Church not long after Mum’s death, unknown to me at the time as we had moved interState, he may not have been the best guide! When in sadness I spoke of that to a friend, a Carmelite prioress, about that, she simply said, “You are a Carmelite though.” "You are a Carmelite although there were no vows and I was a mother of three? But that’s what she said.
We can be as fearful of marriage as of religious life, but have their own challenges, and as married saints have shown us, it is possible to live a holy life as a married person.
Both parents of Saint Therese wanted to be a nun, a priest. It wasn’t to be so,
Instead they had five surviving daughters who became nuns, one a canonized Saint and Doctor of the Church.
They both tested their vocation…but it wasn’t to be.
If you do some research, and also examine your nature and preferences you may be able to decide upon a possible direction, contact the nuns/sisters and test your vacation by talking with them and even living in.
However, please don’t give yourself a tought time.
If God is calling you to religious life, or marriage, God will guide you quietly and gently. He will give the necessary graces.
May God guide you