Scheduling Sex With my Wife?


#1

My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We’re both devoted Catholics. Our sex life sorta went downhill since the marriage. As a typical guy, I’d like it every day, but it’s not happening. My wife,on the other hand, probably would be happy with it once a month. Of course, that’s not healthy for a successful marriage. I was wondering if it would be ok to maybe schedule sex with my wife? It seems like if something is not scheduled in our life, it wont happen. There’s a few days during the week where we both have absolutely nothing to do, so I was thinking maybe twice one week, and three times the following week. Is there anything sinful about this?


#2

You are free to "schedule" ...(but I would not always do so...)

A few things to keep in mind though...

It is of the nature of Marriage and of when we marry we give to our spouse the "right" to marital relations (they call it the debitum...or debt that is owed to ones spouse).

And such should be "generously observed"...so if she asks or you ask...well one is "obliged". Now just like Sunday Mass...we are not doing so 'just out of obligation...but for love etc..self gift...but it is an obligation and it is grave one unless there is some sufficient reason or it is unreasonablly asked ( if it is not reseaonable etc it can be not an obligation at all ..and there can be other things that make it not grave....various things can go into this...postponing it briefly etc or if it is just a hint or suggestion (though perhaps for some women this is all they can do..and sometimes this is they only way they "request" ) and the person asking is fine with "no"...provided there is not danger of mortal sin for the person...such could even not be any sin). (Sunday Mass too is grave obligation...unless there is an excuse or one is dispensed)

Now of course this is within reason...(one can not normally oblige ...say multiple times a day or something..hummm...well maybe if one is trying very much to get pregnant... but anyway you get what I mean)

Another aspect is if one is using NFP ...such can only be used to avoid if one has a serious reason (not needing to be "life or death" but serious...and such can take many forms)

And of course one needs to observe "Moderation" anyhow....and even one could take some special time of abstainance for prayer as Paul mentions in his letters..being careful not to take too long..for such would be a temptation or near occasion sin..

Of course one could ask ..and the other "ask to skip for now"...and the person who asks could well accept this ...for example the person could be real tired or something...

Which also brings up the fact one spouse can also put the other in a near occasion of sin too by asking not to ( at times). So care needs be taken there too


#3

And i would make sure it is not something on just a too do list :slight_smile: or the like…


#4

Of course too…we should seek to lovingly understand our spouses wishes or feeling etc that day…and it can be a very loving act to forgo when such a request would be not well timed…(of course when such is not going to be a near occasion)…

and of course on the other side…it is loving too…to readily accept such ‘requests’ even if one has had a bad day…

As Christians we love each other…

The “marital debt” should be “generously” observed…

as well as “marital relations” should be “moderate”


#5

That might work well, but I think that it would be better to try to understand *why *your wife is not so interested. Sometimes women expect men to understand things without the women’s making it perfectly clear, and sometimes women say things and the men, like, totally don’t get it. It was years before I could get my husband to give me a hug when I was upset about things instead of going ballistic on whatever had upset me. And I knew that he considered that the appropriate thing to do, but it really didn’t help me at all and made it difficult for me to go to him when I had a problem.

So, try talking to your wife, asking her to clarify and be very specific when you don’t understand, and also try re-qording her statements to you so both of you are clear about what she is saying, like: So you are saying that your job is so stressful that… or It sounds like you’d like some romance earlier in the evening; what would you say is romantic?


#6

And they say romance is dead. Look being something of a heathen I can’t say I know more about Catholicism than most of the people.here. But, not to sound conceited, I might know a lot more about sex. Scheduling intercourse is sometimes necessary, but it is better to schedule together time. Telling your wife she needs to be horney at 4:30 every tuesday is not going to help. But setting aside time for each other may. It does not have to be only for copulation Add a little romance to your life. It is easy to take sex for granted in marriage. It’s kind of part of the deal. Remember she will always still be your girl friend. And although I am sure you are a manly man, don’t be ashamed to read some books, or watch some instructional videos. Try something new. More importantly try talking to each other. You’re going to be together a long time.


#7

This would not be advice from a Catholic moral perspective…

some such things would be contrary to morality…

(I know the responder here is not a Catholic…so he may not familar be with such )


#8

[quote="mcteague, post:6, topic:214443"]
And they say romance is dead. Look being something of a heathen I can't say I know more about Catholicism than most of the people.here. But, not to sound conceited, I might know a lot more about sex. Scheduling intercourse is sometimes necessary, but it is better to schedule together time. Telling your wife she needs to be horney at 4:30 every tuesday is not going to help. But setting aside time for each other may. It does not have to be only for copulation Add a little romance to your life. It is easy to take sex for granted in marriage. It's kind of part of the deal. Remember she will always still be your girl friend. And although I am sure you are a manly man, don't be ashamed to read some books, or watch some instructional videos. Try something new. More importantly try talking to each other. You're going to be together a long time.

[/quote]

This is some darn good advice.:thumbsup:


#9

I think you might be assuming books and instructional videos are pornography. The poster didn’t give that inclination. Books may be about how to make the most of your time for your wife and videos may be about how to prepare something romantic or create a romantic environment.


#10

[quote="TheQuestioner, post:9, topic:214443"]
I think you might be assuming books and instructional videos are pornography. The poster didn't give that inclination. Books may be about how to make the most of your time for your wife and videos may be about how to prepare something romantic or create a romantic environment.

[/quote]

I see....well given the topic it was a reasonable leap.

Creating good romantic dinner is good. ...candles etc


#11

haha yeah I could understand.

But to the OP, creating a good romantic dinner is a great idea. Sex tends to decrease after a while in marriage, that’s normal, so on those rare occasions when you have the chance to enter into the marital embrace with your wife, make it special. Not just about fulfilling sexual desire, but about showing that you desire more than your wife’s private parts, but that you desire her whole person.


#12

And “men” need to be reminded that women are …well “women” and are different than they are…they need various forms of love more perhaps then they do…


#13

ditto


#14

I am a woman and have been married for many years. My husband and I have a great sex life except for when I don’t feel love from him with WORDS! Kind, loving words is what I need from my husband to feel in the mood. Men are more visual and I think women are communicators. We want to talk to our husbands and hear loving responses. It is good to have romantic dinners once in a while and a date night once a week but we need to HEAR your love for us when we are together. And YES it is also about showing that you desire more than your wife’s body parts and that you desire her as a whole person. But I have to admit I like it too when my dh says I am sexy!:o


#15

What does DH mean?


#16

It is short for dear husband.:slight_smile:


#17

I am sure there must be things acceptable to the faith. I did not mean the should watch Porno films. Which aside from there comedic value present a warped view of sex and women. Where the only thing they care about is a colossal penis. A little ridiculous and not very helpful.
But I am sure there must be things available that are instructive, but not offensive.


#18

[quote="mcteague, post:17, topic:214443"]
I am sure there must be things acceptable to the faith. I did not mean the should watch Porno films.
But I am sure there must be things available that are instructive, but not offensive.

[/quote]

Perhaps....

(And yes there are I believe books out there from good Catholic sources on marital relations/intimacy...that may make some written suggestions in this area...but one must take care...these are not like "secular -sex books"...they see the full human dignity etc )

(certainly not a "video" or anything graphic)

Mostly it is important to live marriage ... in the full Sacramental sense..self-gift ...love..tenderness...friendship etc. The marital relations part is generally understood....and one must also avoid any form of "hedonism".


#19

[quote="Bookcat, post:4, topic:214443"]

as well as "marital relations" should be "moderate"

[/quote]

What is the basis for and support to show the Church requires this?


#20

[quote="CuriousInIL, post:19, topic:214443"]
What is the basis for and support to show the Church requires this?

[/quote]

....tis called Temperance in other words....one of the four cardinal virtue.

Temperance is important in all aspects of life.


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