Let me apologize in advance for what may prove to be an unbalanced, silly thread – but I feel like my interior life is being called into question by my simple, everyday, human actions – which I know isn’t unbalanced at all since I am human. It’s just that everytime I take a look at my spiritual life, I wonder if I’m doing enough – and lately, I’ve felt so incredibly lazy and lukewarm even though I make time everyday to do morning/evening prayers, read Scripture, and various other prayers plus my general helpfulness which I try to demonstrate at home and at work.
I’ve got myself so confused, though, and so bent out of shape now that I’m bordering on scrupulosity, something which I have been handling rather well for the past 2-3 months.
Like, for instance, during Lent I gave up music because I do like listening to it, there is an attachment there, and I knew I needed to distance myself from it – which worked. Sometimes I now prefer silence, especially at home. There are also times at the office when I prefer not to listen to it since it makes me much more productive; however, given that my job is very repetitive, I often like to listen to music (I like Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash, especially) while working – but now I feel like I should give it up and just live in silence because I’m probably not spending time with God like I should even though I really try to find the Catholic, Christian elements in the songs which I can apply to myself. I wonder, “Am I really giving full attention to my spiritual life like I should?”
And then I wonder if sitting on the front porch each evening reading a book, whether it be a book about the Little Flower or even a short story by Flannery O’Connor, isn’t somehow succumbing to laziness and a deprivation of my spiritual life because I’m not spending great chunks of time in prayer.
Again, I’m sorry for this thread. I really am! I’ve just managed to confuse myself horribly…and now’s the time for prayer and discernment, which I will do and am doing…I just feel like I’m being pulled in multiple directions: just when I come to grasp the notion of what it is to be human and to enjoy life, I hear or read something that suggests we’re all seemingly called to be mystics spending hours in prayer; and just when I’m comfortable with dedicating my being to the spiritual life, I’m reminded that I’m human and not pure spirit. I thought that I had found a balance between the two, but I guess the journey continues…