So, a little background, I’m 19. I’ve had anxiety and depression since I was 11, and currently I think I might have had undiagnosed ocd for a while. I’ve been pretty much housebound for about three years with chronic illness. The thought “God wants you to be a nun” keeps entering my head and, although I’ve never really felt called to marriage, I really don’t want to become a nun. My reasons for this are that I don’t want to leave my family, and that being isolated and stuck somewhere with the same people forever would drive me completely over the edge, as the only thing that’s been getting me through these last few years of being ill is “one day you could get better and be able to have an interesting career and travel places and do things.”
My mind replies to this with
1)you love your family more than God? Jesus said that was bad
2) you love the world and living in the world more than God? That’s also bad
3) The only way you can become a good person and do something worthwhile is if you become a nun. The only reasons you don’t want to become one are because you’re selfish, afraid of commitment, and afraid of loving God
4) If you don’t become a nun that means you’re too selfish and lazy and you’ll go to hell. stop thinking of excuses to ignore God.
I’ve also been struggling with extreme doubts over my faith in general lately, and I’ve become obsessed that I’m “Not actually ill, and I’m making up the fact I’m ill/overexaggerating my illness for attention/because I’m lazy” even though doctors have told me that I have an illness (although it’s not something that can be easily or objectively measured- fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome) and being ill has pretty much uprooted all my plans I had for my life- doing my a-levels, going to university, etc. So I’ve become obsessed that "What if I’m not actually ill, and come judgement day, God will be like: “You wasted valuable years of your life being lazy, so you’re going to hell”. Or, i’ve been thinking “watching some tv to distract yourself from pain is bad, if you watch tv instead of praying that means you don’t love God.” or “You should get rid of absolutely everything you own, otherwise that means you love objects and things more than God or other people.” I’m trying to give some things away and spend more time praying, because honestly I could do without some things, but it feels like it’s never enough and that God is mad at me and I’m doing things “halfheartedly” or “my way” instead of what He wants.
I think this is probably scrupulosity. I’ve been consumed by doubts about everything and fears that I’m doing everything wrong and will go to hell for it. But I’m scared, that what if it is God sending these thoughts, and not acting on them/wanting to act on them is a sign I’m a terrible and selfish person? I think at this point I’m scared of God more than I love Him.
Does anyone have any advice or reassurance? Also, can you pray for me please?