I never quite know if I am posting in the appropriate place.
I am in RCIA and unfortunately from the beginining I knew there may be several instances where I had to miss certain events in the program. The Deacon is understanding and the group knows the challenges I have.
I have had to miss the last 2 weeks of Mass, which had the first 2 Scrutinies…I guess I am curious what that is like? I have heard an explanation, but I am just worried I am missing something.
I do have to say a couple weeks ago, at the last RCIA class I made it to (I was sick last week) the deacon asked if the group could pray for me? What I didn’t realize is they were going to do a very formal prayer: the deacon anointed my hands with oil, then everyone in the room stood with a hand on my shoulder as they prayed for me. They took turns offering prayers. It was very moving and I was honored they decided to do a special prayer for me. In some ways I feel like this was a person scrutiny all my own.
But I still feel sad that i have missed the first 2 official scrutinies. I have been really struggling, not in belief, but in the fact that one thing after another seems to be going wrong. My husband is struggling with my decision, and I still worry things will fall apart. We talk very little about it (he is mormon, as I have been for 12 years). We have a 5 year old, who I very much avoid taking her to any events, talking to her about any of this in any way. My husband reads Book of Mormon to her every night, we pray together, though I still pray in what i consider a very mormon form. I am trying to respect that for now. Besides the home struggles, I feel quite alone in terms of friends. A very small few know now. I have acceptance from these people…the non-Catholics. Of course, the Catholics are very supportive. So it is nice that I am starting to be able to talk to people about this. But even still, I feel really alone in it. Most of my friends don’t understand the full impact on this process with me.
I also have had to miss masses, mostly out of the fact that my husband takes our car to church with our daughter, and often I don’t want to call others for a ride, or else the times we are asked to attend mass, I cannot make because there is something going on at home (like Saturday evening masses are difficult for me). Between sometimes having to miss RCIA classes because husband doesn’t get home from work in time (again, I have a daugher I can’t bring along), and between rarely being able to make the scripture relfection masses, I find it really hard to hold on strongly to my faith. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doubting, but it is so easy to get carried away with depression when I feel so completely isolated from my new faith (apart from prayer), and not feeling like I can really talk about it to people around me that are close.
On top of those things, I have been sick for about 3 weeks now, which is driving me crazy…and I have been pulled over twice for really dumb things…I seem to be having a stream of bad luck, and I keep feeling like having missed the scrutinies, that could of really helped me stay strong despite what seems to be bad luck surrounding me.
Anyway, can someone tell me a little more about the scrutinies? I am curious. Thanks!