Over the years on my journey with God I’ve often asked Him to “show me my sin,” ALL of my sins so that I may cast them aside. I remember a friend telling me that if God did this we wouldn’t be able to handle it**—**that is God revealing every single possible thing about us which displeases Him. I kind of rolled my eyes at that, thinking “oh I can handle it, just let Him tell me and I will fix myself.”
Dear Lord was I wrong! Lately (I’ve been asking Him again to show me, about 3-4 months ago) so many “little sins” within me are coming to mind, sins of envy I didn’t think I had, arrogance and pride within daily conversations, not trusting Him, over eating, selfishness, feeling like He singles me out, showering His love on others and ignoring me, thinking He sometimes hates me because of my nature, and even sins I truly know are wrong and am concsious about (like masterbation and lust), when I commit them recently they hurt, oh they hurt ever so badly, immensely that it’s difficult to breathe, so difficult to breathe. My eyes are teary as I’m typing this in fact.
It’s almost like God is showing me how He sees my soul, and it’s FULL of vile and darkness, much of which I didn’t think I had, or at least wasn’t so bad off, but now that I can see it, it’s wounded me severely. I just want to remain on my knees before Him telling Him I’m sorry over and over.
Please pray that He will heal my spirit, lead me to Confession, and help my path onward toward Him.
I never thought it would hurt this bad. :’(
P.S. Today at Mass when the Priest was giving us a blessing by casting that “tool” which throws water at the people, I thought “it’s going to miss me, it does every time, probably because I’m of little worth if any to God,” and BOOM I got a face full of water. I guess my Lord God, my Spiritual Husband shut me up :o