Seeking advice from the married and engaged


#1

I would like to ask the aforementioned a question that I suspect is something they get asked a lot but hoping that they will still want to share it again anyway.

How did you know that what you felt/thought/experienced with your significant other was TRUE LOVE? What was it that made you know that you should marry that person?

I ask this as being a single person, I have never experienced true love and have been at times confused with THE NEED FOR LOVE masking itself as true love.

Hope that makes sense.


#2

When the rest of your life with that person seems like it wouldn’t be long enough.


#3

That’s a pretty good description. For me, I knew within a month of dating my now-husband that if he proposed marriage, I would accept without hesitation. That was a good indicator for me. :slight_smile:


#4

Both of the previous descriptions sound right to me, too. I think for me it was the fact that after “dating” long distance for less than a month (though at the time we were just “talking”), I jumped up and down screaming like a little girl when I got a Valentine’s Day card from him. And within a month of that, I couldn’t imagine ever being with someone else.

I do remember thinking I would marry a young man I was dating in high school. But even then, I remember feeling like I MIGHT marry him - not that there were no other concieveable options.

It’s trite, but when you find true love, you just know. :slight_smile:

MJ


#5

When I met my husband, I knew very quickly that he was “the one”. It wasn’t just physical attraction…it was loving everything he was as a person. We were so comfortable together, and found ourselves sharing our feelings with each other so easily. I knew that I could trust him completely, and I could imagine myself growing old with him. We got engaged three months after we met. We both knew, without a doubt, that God intended us for each other.

We have been happily married for 24 years, and we would do it all over again!


#6

I never believed in “love at first sight” until I met my husband. I looked into his eyes and just knew he was the right man for me. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for seven. We’ve had a lot of trying times, but we’ve worked through them. The falling in love isn’t the hard part. It’s staying together and keeping that love alive that’s sometimes difficult. When you come out of one of those “black hole” moments, that’s when you know it’s true love.

Kim


#7

I’m not engaged yet, but I can tell already that my bf and I will be together for the rest of our lives. I knew within three weeks of meeting him that I loved him, and that it was different from any previous ‘crush’ I had ever had. I seized that knowledge, and made a choice to continue to love him. The feelings come and go, you have to CHOOSE once you know. We think the same way. I can totally be myself around him, tell him anything; right from the beginning it was like that. He was talking about how, if we had met in 6 years rather than then, he would have proposed already. I’m glad the marriage vocation is to get each other to heaven, because I want to have more time with him than just our earthly life-span. Make sure you clear as much sin from your life as you can. God knows, I needed to drop a particular habit of mine. A week after I did, I met him. He’s not a perfect person, of course, but he’s perfect for me. You just know, is all I can really say. You can list all the reasons you want(as I just did :stuck_out_tongue: ), but the underlying one is that you know.


#8

This may sound weird but I imagined how I would feel if my husband (boyfriend at the time) became horribly disfigured, lost a limb, or became wheelchair bound. When I imagined those instances, my heart poured over with love. No matter what happened to him, I’d always want to be by his side.


#9

Hey, I think that is really mature of yourself to recognize that you have a need for love but aren’t sure what love itself is. I dated a few guys in my early 20’s and one was for 3 years. I didn’t ever feel 100% about the guy though. I just knew I wasn’t interested in marrying him. It actually kind of made my stomach ill. But I enjoyed being around him. Maybe I enjoyed being in a loving relationship.

When I met my husband at a party for the first time, I felt this need to be close to him. Strange eh? As someone else said on here, I knew within a month that I would marry him if he asked. I never got sick of him, and we always wanted to be together. A lot of this is reciprocal in my opinion. I think if he wasn’t as into me, as I was into him, I might not have pushed forward to feel and experience more love.


#10

Those feelings of knowing somehow elude definition. For example, when we do believe it’s the right person but then it turns out it wasn’t, we will just say it wasn’t the right feeling. We won’t really say it’s just how it is with such feelings. And if we actually marry that person and stick with him, then we say the feeling was right and we knew from the beginning. This doesn’t actually mean the feelings are a poor indicator or something, nope. Nor does it make them false. It’s just it’s hard to get a grasp of how it really works.

In my case, there has been more than one girl I’ve ever imagined a future with, also more than one I’ve talked about it with. Sometimes my female friends would play the “who gets to change the name” joke on me, which means they were at least getting some vibe of that kind (I don’t believe in accidents so much), but not really that much since we’re still friends. This breeds the question: is it a matter of quality or intensity merely? I can’t really answer.

I know, however, that with the last girl, I was really getting the feeling she was the last one, the true one and whatnot, and I can’t get rid of that feeling even now, several months after the break-up. The situation is hopeless since she’s broken up with me, she doesn’t know if she’ll ever want to have children, she says she doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to meet me either. And I’m not trying to revive anything since I can’t marry her validly in these circumstances, so I shouldn’t make any moves on her. But the feeling, persists, as I said. Says something about feelings.

Theoretically, if you were to push a good lot of dopamine through a brain, it should associate the happiness impulse with the event or the person, also touching the gonadotropines the right way, securing the sexual (in the broad sense) part of it, as well. The human brain, or well, mind, has a great power of suggestion. I can certainly imagine that some of my strong feelings (hunches) were a product of my imagination. It’s certainly possible I “wrote” it like a novel. For example, some time ago, a girl heard about my experiences of remembering what the priest should say, or wondering how I would do what the priest did, and she said something about feeling as if she were taking me away from God. I was like me? God? Woman, what are you talking about? We’ve been talking for merely a couple of days and only talking. But she obviously had some ideas going in her head. And yes, there was sense of kinship and matching, perhaps a witty remark here or there, but nothing logically warranting that kind of impression. It’s just things people develop in their heads basing on a variety of objective and subjective factors. Heck, even dietary changes could affect that by affecting the chemistry of hormone work. You just never know.

Oh dear, lawyers talking about love. :rolleyes:

Well, I guess I will know sooner or later. On the one hand, I imagine I will know because of all those hunches and senses of mine (I have an awful lot of intuition and a paranoid sense), but at the same time I’ve been surprised a couple of times in my life and God works in mysterious ways, and mild, innocuous ones. If He comes in a silent breeze, He might as well put a woman in my life that way. It was a bit like that with my ex. She had been my friend, best friend then, she had always been there and not really my type. Yeah, she was a great friend and she was pretty too, and yet she wasn’t actually what I thought to be my type, you know. Still, she was a woman after my own heart and I wouldn’t have exchanged her for any other, had it worked out, could it work out without harm to future children or anyone’s prospects of salvation. Well, then, I guess I’ll see. I guess you will, as well. :wink:


#11

Love (as other posters have mentioned) is a choice and an action, not merely a feeling. Feelings are wonderful and definetally make life on earth that much better, but they are not love. Things I considered before marrying my dh: do I want to raise children with him, am I prepared to help him in his journey to heaven, do we have a solid friendship and a respect for one another as individuals, does he lead me to God. If the answers had ont been yes, marriage would have been out of the question (even though I definetally had feelings of love for him, I knew they may fluctuate through the years). Love is self-giving (my summation of the Beatitudes ;)).

It’s so great that you know the difference between the need for love and true self-giving love. I struggled with this too…I’ve found the best way to combat/fulfill this is through enhancing my relationship with God. God bless!


#12

If you think “true love” is something that just happens, or that you find - perhaps you don’t have true Christian love.

I’ve heard it said that you only love someone as far as you’re willing to sacrifice. So if you want a picture of true love look at a crucifix. If you are willing to go to that length then you have “true love”. Likewise if your significant other is willing to go to that length then they have “true love”.

But when you are infatuated with each other it is difficult to tell because you both are willing to go to great lengths to please each other. If you want a clearer idea of how “true” your fiance’s love is, look at how they love their brothers, sisters, mother, father, and neighbors. If they are willing to sacrifice a great deal for someone they don’t intend to marry they will be willing to sacrifice a great deal for someone they already married.


#13

It’s interesting to me how many women here “just knew” almost right away that their husband was the one. That was my experience, as well. We met at a party two weeks into college - we spent the entire party talking with each other and that was it. We dated exclusively for the next 5 years, 3 of which were long distance. Then we married and three kids, several dogs, a horse, fish and bearded dragon later, here we are. My dh once told me the only thing he’d do differently is get married sooner :heart: .

I’m not much help at being specific about signs or facts – but I can’t describe it. My only advice would be if you get that feeling, wait a while and test it. Make sure you would be good married partners, with all that entails. Then, if you would still lay down your life for that person even after the glorious infatuation wears off, it’s probably true love.

Like the others said, I’m impressed that you’re thinking this over so deeply.


#14

I dated a guy for 5.5 yrs and always asked myself if I would really marry him. I even had thoughts of how to break off the wedding when we did get engaged.

Then I met a guy who is now my DH. I just knew he was the one. I couldn’t imagine myself w/anyone else. Another poster said she imagined being w/her guy even after a tragic accident, and I thought the same too. I felt full of love and wanting to take care of him even if he became disabled forever.

We spoke about marriage since we began to know each other, then we became b/f -g/f, and then he proposed. I didn’t have 2nd thoughts at all with him. I’ve been married to him for 16 months, and love it 99%. The 1% is because we’re of two different religions, but he’s a great man!


#15

Okay, I guess I’m the odd one out. :smiley: It wasn’t emotions and feelings of overpowering love that convinced me that my DH was “the one,” it was mostly logic and philosophical compatibility.

I definitely experienced the emotional New-Relationship-Euphoria, which came after we started dating (we were friends for 2 years prior), but nothing was immediate (after first meeting him).

I knew I wanted to marry him after years of dating, and having long conversations about everything under the sun, including children, faith, pets, life goals, politics, etc. With every answer he gave, I was further convinced. We knew each other for a total of 7 years, dated for 5 of those, and were engaged for 2, before we married.

We married at 22 years old, and have 2 children (so far) at the ripe old age of 26. :cool: I thank God all the time for my wonderful DH.


#16

We dated six years before marrying, and were virgins when we married. We’ve been happily married 28 years, and according to the current issue of Glamour Magazine, we have sex more than the average young couple!

I knew we were right for each other when we were in college and had been dating about three years. I got the Russian flu–fever of 107 (I’m not kidding!) and barfing at the mere thought of food. My future husband sat with me, help me clean myself up, brought me treats, and made sure I was OK.

I would say that before you decide, do hard things together. Anyone can have a great time with almost anyone at a movie and a restaurant. But can you get along volunteering to run the dunking booth together for your church’s annual Fun Fair?!

My husband and I worked on several school projects together in high school, and co-starred in our Senior play. We did many, many church projects together, especially those involving children and teenagers, and In college, we continued working together in church on various ministries.

I would suggest service projects, e.g., a mission trip, serving in a soup kitchen together on a regular basis, helping build a school in a third world country, working with toddlers in your church VBS, becoming youth group sponsors or helpers, becoming tutors or mentors for underprivileged kids.

Make sure you do things with children-there are lots of community endeavors for children that require volunteers. Get involved–help out with your local Children’s Theater Project, or volunteer to help co-coach a children’s sports team, or volunteer to work at Special Olympics.

THESE kinds of projects will really help you discern whether you are right for each other. If you can’t get along and you hate working together, then how on earth will you enjoy being together for the rest of your life?

Also, spend lots of time with each other’s family. Do you get along and even enjoy your families? After all, you will be “marrying” all these people, too!

Don’t base ANYTHING on feelings. Another reason my husband and I knew we were right for each other is that we enjoyed so many of the same things. E.g., on Labor Day, we spend our entire day GLUED to the television watching the Jerry Lewis telethon. We have done this for over 30 years. Cookout, party, parade–it doesn’t matter. We will be home watching the telethon. Even when we had babies and toddlers, we spent the holiday home watching the telethon.

How many other people do this? Not many! But WE do.

We enjoy a lot of other common interests, too. If you don’t enjoy common interests–RED FLAG!

One more thing–can you talk about the “big” subjects: Money, Relatives, Religion, Sex, Children, Politics. If you have to “hush up” on ANY of these subjects, then you aren’t right for each other.


#17

Married my college sweetheart- Just celebrated our 21st anniversary. After dating a bunch of not so hot guys- I prayed and prayed to meet a good christian guys and prayer answered. We connected- I can’t explain it but we just are always on the same wave length. Even now coming into the Catholic church it is amazing! Last year I didn’t know how to bring up the subject that I wanted to start attending the Catholic church. We had been attending protestant churches for 20 years and his family is very fundamentalist. Anyway I had a friend invite me so I could say honey so an so invited me to go to church with her and I would like to go. He said no problem. Then I asked that I would like the whole family to attend. He was fine with it to my surprise- On the same wave lenght!!:smiley: Come to find out he had the same issues i had with many of the protestant churches. He really likes the Catholic church and is coming around quickly. I am in RCIA and hoping to be in full communion in November. He is not in RCIA yet but I think he will be shortly. That to me is a miracle in an of itself!!!


#18

After dating for 4 months, I casually said I’d like to live in a house with a garden one day, and he said “OK, we’ll have a garden” and that was settled. :slight_smile: I was 18. Almost seven years later, we were married.

I knew he was “the one” when I realized nothing turned me on more than the mere thought of having his children.

I knew for certain we were ready to be married when I was madly in love with someone else for a full year and refused to do anything about it, except reveal my every thought and emotion to my then fiance, who was completely understanding, but also completely stable and firm about the whole thing. The other guy seemed perfect for me, and we shared every possible intellectual and poetic interest, and still I knew what the right thing to do was all along. After surviving this temptation and being the stronger for it, I knew we could survive anything.


#19

I knew when I first laid eyes on my husband that he was the one. I wasn’t yet in love, but a small inner voice told, “He’s the one you’ve been waiting for.” Within weeks we were madly in love and after nine months of courtship we married. Married now for over 20 years and still deeply in love.
It does sound trite but you know love when you feel it. I agree that being compatible is important, but don’t underestimate that wonderful euphoria of new love…it’s amazing and worth every bit of hard times together.
Another indicator I had of true love was knowing I would go to the ends of the earth for this man (which I ended up doing as a military wife!). And I wanted to have his babies…I wanted nothing so much as to be the mother of his children. God has really blessed us.:wink:


#20

Thank you everyone for responding to this. You have certainly helped me and I am glad that so many has responded.

One thing I have noticed about this thread is that all the respondents except for chevalier are women. Why is that? :smiley:


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