Self centered Son


#1

I have a daughter who is 24 and working and lives away from home. My son is 23 and has recently joined college for a graduate program.

My husband and I have always put our needs aside to make the lives of children as comfortable as possible in every way. They were great as kids, good grades, very loving towards family and friends, helpful at home, responsible. My daughter turned out fine. My son was actively involved in sport like basket ball and table tennis. He won lots of prizes in various competitions at school for poetry recitation, drawing, music. He got great grades at school till his final year high school. It all started in his high school. One time, his exams were around the corner and I must admit I was strict about him using the phone or taking very long breaks during his study time. His teachers and principal had high expectations of him and told me to encourage him as a parent. I was never strict about his studies except in the final year high school.

Two days before an exam, his friend invited him for a birthday party and my husband and myself told him not to go for it. My son became very upset. He screamed and yelled and a few things in the house. Shocked at his outburst, I told him, he could go. But he chose not to. From then, I stopped interfering with his studies and never stood in his way of how and when he wanted to do things. My son took this as a green signal that he could bully, yell, scream and shout, destroy things and times use abusive language to get whatever he wanted. What he didnt realize is that, we were doing everything for him, not because we were scared of him, but as parents, doing the best we could . When he was in college as an undergrad, he got worse. He would taunt, bully and cuss more often. He would walk in when my daughter or myself were watching t.v. and would demand he wants to watch T.V., which meant we get up and leave. When we were using the computer, he would tell us to get up and leave and he would keep the PC on, and would be doing other things and use the PC probably an hour later. He would ask me to serve lunch or dinner and the food would be lying on the dining table for an hour or two, as he would be busy talking to friends on his cellphone. When reminded, he would say that he will have his food whenever he wanted. He did have good friends and was not involved in drugs or alcohol. His friends were not difficult or aggressive. My daughter used to be scared of him as he used to bully her, insult her and scare her with his mannerisms, that she used to be choose to be in her room when he was around. She was relieved to be away from him when she had to leave home for college.

Now my son joined university at graduate level and he hasnt changed a bit. During his recent stay with us for one month, I was scared to talk to him, as every simple or pleasant conversation would end up in him becoming arrogant with me, blaming me for 'not letting him' do as he pleased as a young boy and put me down in everyway possible. He has forgotten how fortunate he was as a child in every way. He always talks about all the things he couldnt have or couldnt do, and never appreciates all the good things he was blessed with and everything he has or could do which many of his friends or classmates couldnot. When he joined university for his graduate course a few days ago, I rang him up and he said, he'd talk to me later as he was going for a shower. I never got any offlines or email or anything from him. He continually expect my husband and I to keep fulfilling all his needs and is absolutely mean and inconsiderate to us. Though he was mean to my daughter, she rings him up and talks to him. She sent him some money when she first got her her pay, he never bothered to thank her for it.

I have raised my son with good values and I feel terrible that things have gone so wrong. He was such a lovely child and now he's turned so ungrateful and mean. He is fine when he is with others like friends, other family members and friends. However, I have also come to know of certain incidents where my son was arrogant and rude with others in conflicting situations. I don't understand why he holds so much or anger towards us. He is arrogant, abusive, and nasty all the time with us. He doesnot mind using profane language with us even though I have told him not to. I tried to talk to him and apologised to him over the past several years to forgive me for any wrong I have done to him and encouraged him and pleaded with him to mend relations with us, after all we are a family. Its fallen on deal ears. I feel the only connection we have now is limited to him depending on us to fulfill his financial needs. Whenever he is with us, he hardly makes any conversation with us, except if its got to do with needs which we have to meet or something nice that has happened for him. He cannot take no for an answer, it upsets him terribly. My husband and I I tried to advice him how destructive his anger problem is Its no use.

Sometimes I think he feels a sense of power and feels important each time he behaves aggressive, arrogant and mean. He thinks the only way to attain things is by scaring and bullying. I don't know what to do. He has no respect for older people as he considers old(er) people as stupid. He thinks he is a know it all. I love my son and wish our relationship was peaceful and loving. I wish he would treat us with some respect and not consider us as his eternal servants. We continue to treat him with love and affection as he is our son. Please help. I feel so hurt and sad. My son's attitude and behavior has affected my health.


#2

A person who is over 16 shouldn't be living at home and behaving that way. People who are adults should have to obey the rules of their parents homes if they choose to live there; or leave.

It is a good idea to make people pay rent for their rooms; even if it only a cursory amount such as 400 sterling (600USD) a month; particularily if food is provided for them. To allow people to run riot around their homes without answering to the basic responsibilites of being an adult does permenant damage to the individual and spoils them.

The best education for a young person these days is a dose of reality and some responsibilities. I am two years younger than your son and have been independant for five years - it sounds like you are feeding into his bad behaviour and he is becomming spoiled.

You *need *to tell him to buck up his behaviour; get a (part time *when *he is at college) job and to never behave in that way again or he can find himself a new place to live.

You do neither yourself; your daughter; your husband OR your son any justice by allowing this to continue - everyone is suffering; and the one who is being damaged the most is without doubt your son - the long term damage of over-dependancy is crippling him.


#3

He's 23 years old, so you certainly have the right to stop helping him if he continues to act in ways you disapprove of.

I have a hunch that your son feels that you were controlling parents and his frustrations are coming out. I have seen this situation before-- a son was overly controlled by his parents and never complained (because boys often don't share their issues), but then as an adult became hostile towards the parents for the way they controlled him his entire life. I'd say you need to have a heart to heart talk with your son to find out what's really eating at him. I'd ask him how he felt about his childhood. It can't get better until you find out how he felt about his childhood and deal with those issues. Some sort of family counseling would be just the solution, if you could get him to go...


#4

Two things pop out here to me:

1) If his grades were slipping in high school and undergraduate years, how is he getting into grad school? The transitiion from undergraduate college to graduate school is by no means automatic (at least here in America) and you usually need good grades to get into grad school.

2) I have to wonder if there might not be mental illness issues. I am just saying because based on what you wrote, it seems like a sudden change and my understanding is that usually if someone has an aggressive/hostile/domineering nature, it will come out much earlier and it will not be so sudden.

Just my two cents. I'd suggest talking to your Priest and maybe also talking to someone knowledgeable in the myriad of mental disorders out there.


#5

Twenty-three can be a very difficult time. I don't have any real advice to offer. Although I can say I have witnessed individuals of this age (to a certain extent my own children) act out in a like manner as you describe. Later, maybe a year, two ot three, turn around and become a much different individual.

My advice; hang in there. He may be suffering social issues and you are his punching bag. I am cetainly not condoning his actions, just suggesting there is reason to believe he may very well change. He is young and impressionable.


#6

our family of six kids were held hostage by our eldest brother in the exact same way you describe your son.he terrorized our mother (a widow) with his sarcasm ,put downs,belligerence and over all ignorance and insults,causing fights and tears every time he came in the house .he married and treated his wife and children likewise and he would come running home to complain how bad they were to him.These people are bullies ,we had to convince our mother as she got older and couldn,t cope with him to deny him entrance to the house, which was difficult for her but as my brothers got older they could stand up to him and he would rant like a mad man insult his sisters to tears and eventually when we all married he knew he had lost power over us and he became very quiet.He passed away at 56 years very lonely and crying for his kids .A bully is all pee and wind no ,substance.Do not move out of a room for him ,do not stop watching tv or comp. do not cook for him he,ll soon eat when he,s hungry.get rid of the guilt trip and tell him to get a job and pay his own way.You are disappointed because your son isn.t a reflection of you,he never will be and that is not your fault ,he is laughing at you and he will get a heck of a shock when he enters the work force if he ever does these personalities don,t like having bosses but you do,not need to be servile to him good luck


#7

I feel for you Sad Mom, I feel for you!
Try and follow the good advice you have been given here.
As for me, I will remember you in my prayers.
I will pray for you and for your son.
May the peace of God be with you!


#8

It’s interesting that he was fine until the day he decided he wanted to go to a birthday party and was told no. It’s entirely possible that you were more strict than was ever warranted. It could have felt suffocating. So much so that he doesn’t really know how to behave without being told. But quite frankly, he’s sick of being told.

The way you describe it, it was the last straw on the camels back. He flipped out. Since it sounds like he hasn’t thrown many if any tantrums in the past, you made the mistake that we ALL do at one time or another, and gave in to the tantrum. He learned, just like a 3 year old. “all I have to do, is flip out, and I get what I want.” It’s much easier to handle a 3 year old, then a 17 year old. I would imagine his size could become frightening. As he’s a HUGE 3 year old at that point.

The past is the past. Whether you could have done anything differently is a mute point. You did try your best from what it sounds like. He needs to grow up, and get over it.

It needs to go something like this: Honey, we did everything we thought was right to do for you. We gave up XY& Z. Because we thought this was so important for you. In hind sight, perhaps there were different approaches, but unless you’d like to strap on a daiper and start over, there’s little we can do about that now.

NOW, you need to act like an adult man. If you need counceling, or would like us to attend counciling with you let us know. You may not act like this in OUR home. So either stop the behavior, or leave. YOU make the choice.

I can tell you, I know a few people like this. They do need some form of couceling. It seems like they need to figure out what they would have liked to have happen. They need to be able to tell their parents why they feel so frustrated. I think it’s prudent that parents recognize that their child is suffering. That even if they had the best intentions, it is suffering is at their hands. They don’t need to grovel, but need to acknowledge that things could have been different had they known differently. And the ADULT CHILD needs to move on. The parents need to NOT Parent anymore. They continue to love, and offer guidance when asked for… but it’s supposed to be that you’ve done your job now. The child is to become and adult and take over from there. That’s MY opinion… suggest counceling… let the pros help you all work it out…

Best…


#9

[quote="Sad_Mom, post:1, topic:209803"]
... My husband and I have always put our needs aside to make the lives of children as comfortable as possible in every way. ...One time, his exams were around the corner and I must admit I was strict about him using the phone or taking very long breaks during his study time. His teachers and principal had high expectations of him and told me to encourage him as a parent. I was NEVER strict about his studies except in the final year high school.

Two days before an exam, his friend invited him for a birthday party and my husband and myself told him not to go for it. My son became very upset. He screamed and yelled and a few things in the house. Shocked at his outburst, I told him, he could go. But he chose not to. From then, I stopped interfering**** with his studies and NEVER stood in his way of how and when he wanted to do things. My son took this as a green signal that he could bully, yell, scream and shout, destroy things and times use abusive language to get whatever he wanted. **What he didnt realize is that, we were DOING EVERYTHING** for him, not because we were scared of him, but as parents, doing the best we could . When he was in college as an undergrad, he got worse. He would taunt, bully and cuss more often.... He would walk in when my daughter or myself were watching t.v. and would demand he wants to watch T.V., which meant we get up and leave. When we were using the computer, he would tell us to get up and leave and he would keep the PC on, and would be doing other things and use the PC probably an hour later. He would ask me to serve lunch or dinner and the food would be lying on the dining table for an hour or two ... My daughter used to be scared of him as he used to bully her, insult her and scare her with his mannerisms, that she used to be choose to be in her room when he was around. ...

... **He continually expect my husband and I to keep fulfilling all his needs **and is absolutely mean and inconsiderate to us. ...

... However, I have also come to know of certain incidents where my son was arrogant and rude with others in conflicting situations. I don't understand why he holds so much or anger towards us ...I tried to talk to him and apologised to him *over the past several years to forgive me for any wrong I have done to him ... * He cannot take no for an answer, it upsets him terribly.

...I wish he would treat us with some respect and not consider us as his eternal servants ...

[/quote]

+Upon carefully reading the original post several very real "red flags" in the post reveal "permissive" parenting in play rather than "disciplined" **parenting . . . if one reads the entire original post . . . **NEVER . . . does the word "discipline" let alone "consistent discipline" occur . . . I raised three lively sons and never on God's green earth would I ever have allowed . . . a child *. . . to take over and control me, our family or our household . . . which these parents have clearly permissively allowed and are continuing to allow . . . while giving financial support to an abusive disrespectful bullying 23 year old adult man . . . *even though they don't like the result much . . . and yet . . . though they haven't maintained disciplined firm boundaries of reasonable decent acceptable behavior for their son . . . such as putting an immediate stop to his abusive and destructive "temper tantrums" when they began . . . they want the fruit of discplined parenting results from their rebellious son . . . *and it just doesn't work that way *. . . when a permissive parent does try to discipline . . . these children quickly learn early on how to **manipulate these parents to get what they want . . . however . . . in a school enviroment with good disciplined teachers these children learn that in that environment the expectation is to conform to the disciplines required of all their classroom peers . . . *or reap unpleasant consequences *. . . and conform . . .

As revealed in the quote above . . . permissive parents . . . typically wanting to please at any cost *. . . **cave in to their child's manipulation time and time again* . . . and in the end . . . inevitably permissive parents experience feeling very resentful and unappreciated . . . and in more extreme cases these children learn that . . . agressive bullying behavior . . . empowers them and will allow them to always get their own way at home . . . and subsequently practice this undesirable behavior frequently wherever . . . these parents simply have not learned to . . . JUST SAY NO . . . . and stick to it and teach the child that there are REAL consequences to bad behaviors . . . and they need to stop "enabling" the 23 year old abusive man who is their son and make him . . . not welcome . . . to either come into their home or to financial help . . . unless . . . he behaves himself and honors and treats his parents and sibling with Godly respect from today on . . .

To allow him to continue in this destruction is "enabling" him to tragically destroy his own eternal soul . . . for his soul's sake please consider getting counseling as to how to stop the destructive "enabling" on your part as parents . . .

[RIGHT]. . . all for Jesus+[/RIGHT]


#10

I really apprecaite and thank each and every one of you for your advice, support and prayers. Your prayers and support would definitely help.

I hope this post would cover most of the answers to those who were so kind to read my post and offer advice. My son's grades were good in senior high school, though he had slowly began act up then by the time he was 15. During his undergrad at college, his grades were not too high, but good enough that he managed to get into Grad school. He has ambition. I have observed whenever he has put his mind to something important, he has accomplished it. Most of the time on the contrary, he procrastinates and is lazy. My son will never agree to go for counselling. In fact when 2 years ago, he got to meet a psychologist during some social work he was involved in, she encouraged him to talk about his problems. When I told him by all means he should, my son refused telling me, I dont want to share any problems with her. He refuses to go for counselling. He has acknowledged that he does have an anger problem. He says he's working on it. But I find he just supresses his frustrations, which he never discusses with us. He takes it out on us. He is still prone to anger, and anything small can trigger it. My husband have tried to talk to him so many times. He listens and sometimes have promised to change. This means, he knows he is wrong.

Yes, we had rules, and both our children were abiding them. I wasnt a very strict parent, except during his senior high school. I wasn't very strict because, he was such a nice kid, who needn't be reminded or told of his responsibilites. He was so enthusiastic about every thing he did as a child. All that slowly changed as he grew up and hated being reminded or told when he shierked his reponsibilities. Its natural during teen years to rebel a bit or have strong opinions and we attributed to some of his changing behaviour to normal teen tantrums. No parent want to treated this way, but throwing him out, what if it makes things worse? We have considered taking some drastic action. I would imagine the worst, like what if he got into some bad company for easy money or get into some trouble with the law, to make things worse for us. I know there are kids who purposely get into unimaginable trouble to get back at their parents. I don't have the energy or the health to face that . If such a thing happened, we would definitely be contacted as parents to help him. Then what? God I just can't imagine. Those who raised sons and didnt face much problems, I'd consider them so blessed, honest!

In two years, he'd finish grad school (hopefully) and get a job. And we don't have to support him. Meanwhile he's going to try for a job to pay for his fees as we have made it clear that we cannot give up our life savings to fund his education and that we've done all that we could. Thats the financial part. Yes, we spent a lot of money on him and I wish we hadn't.

Rather than disconnect ourselves from him, I wish he would find in his heart to have a loving relationship with us and his sister as well and treat us with some respect. After all these years, investing so much in him, loving him, raising him with a hope of seeing him turn into a good human being, have all my love and effort gone to waste? What kind of person have I raised? Whenever I used to watch God TV channel, for some emotional comfort, my son used to sit with me and patienty listen to the talks and advices on certain shows with an interest that baffled me!

I feel so hurt to think that a day may come when we might lose him for ever. My husband has given up on him and doesnot talk to him except when its something important. My husband says, he has had enough and don't want any more confrontations. My husband has two brothers and his mother had no problems of this sort raising her three sons. All of them shared a wonderful relation with her while she was alive.


#11

Jesus_123 has it right – permissiveness spoils people – he needs to not be coddled and rewarded for his bad behavior – parents need to ‘parent’ not give in and try to give everything to an ungrateful child.


#12

[quote="Sad_Mom, post:10, topic:209803"]
... Those who raised sons and didnt face much problems, I'd consider them so blessed, honest!

[/quote]

+In the first place . . . no parent anywhere on this earth has perfect children who don't need responsible careful parenting . . . challenges and crises . . . *small and large *. . . needing careful parenting come up every single day in the raising of children . . . God's Holy :bible1: Word has much to say to help parents in the raising children . . .

:bible1: Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go ...

:bible1: Proverbs 13:24
He that spareth the rod hateth his son:
but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes.
**
:bible1: Proverbs 14:3**
In the mouth of a fool is the rod of pride:
but the
lips of the wise preserve them.

:bible1: Proverbs 22:15
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
and the rod of
correction
shall drive it away.

:bible1: Proverbs 23:13
Withhold
NOT
**correction **from a child ...

In the love of the Lord in all charity and peace . . . it was really very sad to read your response . . . it revealed a clear case of . . . avoidance . . . and though well written . . . it plainly revealed avoidance and denial of truth. . . . you placed the entire burden of blame and responsibility on your son for his behavioral patterns and problems . . . and sidestepped *completely your individual personal contribution of undisciplined irresponsibility in helping to create this crisis which emerged during his developmental period of adolesence where hopefully children are being prepared for launching into hopefully kind, healthy and fruitful adult lives . . . and you placed the full responsibilty . . . **solely on him *. . . regarding the solving of these **family **problems . . . and **took no responsibility whatsoever regarding your own need to learn how to responsibly parent and your lack of successful parenting during his childhood and teen years where he needed so much help, discipline and guidance in order to navigate the troubled difficult waters of this developmental passage we call the teen years successfully . . .

My recommendation to you in the previous post was for . . . you and your husband . . . not your son . . . you and your husband have the greater responsibility before the** Lord** . . .

[INDENT]

To allow him to continue in this destruction is "enabling" him to **tragically** destroy his own eternal soul . . . for his soul's sake please consider getting counseling as to how to stop the destructive "enabling" on your part as parents . . .

[/INDENT]

:bible1: Matthew 7:3
And why seest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye;
and seest not the beam that is in thy own eye?

:bible1: 2 Matthew 7:4
Or how sayest thou to thy brother:
Let me cast the mote out of thy eye;
and behold a beam is in thy own eye?

Preparing to become a teacher of children during my college years . . . I had to take a lot of . . . "growth and development" . . . classes . . . and found them absolutely fascinating and helpful both as a teacher and a parent . . . an individual teacher regarding these enlightenments whom I really respect . . .wrote the below quote . .and named two stages during the healthy growing up of children as . . . "first" . . . and . . . "second" . . . periods of . . . "adolescence" . . .[INDENT][INDENT]

Parenting . . .

*For the child . . . *

For a child who is tentatively learning to make choices, who is dependent on his parents for food, shelter, and emotional support, it's even more intense. Dissolving into tears is an appropriate expression of the inner turmoil that is so real for children who are in the midst of this process.

For the parent . . .

I like to think of the process as similar to childbirth. Labor is a very intense experience. Pain, after pain, after pain eventually produces something beautiful -- a child is born. The episodes of oppositional behavior in "First Adolescence" are psychological labor pains -- one difficult situation, then another, and another, and as a result your son's own persona is being born psychologically.

Read more: drgreene.com/qa/terrible-twos?pagination=1#ixzz0xIMJecST

[/INDENT][/INDENT]

Please . . . consider going to a priest or Bishop for counsel for yourselves . . . remember you all **will **all have to come up before the judgment seat of **Christ **regarding your activities . . . *not just your son . . . *

Lifting you all up in prayer to our Wonderful Lord **seeking out the Blessed Virgin Mary . . .our Holy Mother . . . and Saint Padre Pio . . . to also prayerfully intercede for you all . . . *may **God's peace be with you all . . . *

[RIGHT]. . . all for Jesus+
. . . **Sacred Heart of Jesus+
. . . **have mercy
+
. . . thank you Holy Mother Mary+
. . . thank you St. Pio+
. . . thank you Holy Mother Church+
[/RIGHT]


#13

You are enabling him. When he says jump, you do it. Stop doing that. When you are watching TV and he comes in and demands to watch TV don't let him. No matter what, hold your ground. If he's mean and violent, you might need your husband around. But stop giving into him. The more you give into him, the more he will do it.

Also, it might be a good idea to go see a family counselor. And if he's 23, he really should not be living at home.


#14

[quote="Sad_Mom, post:1, topic:209803"]
I have a daughter who is 24 and working and lives away from home. My son is 23 and has recently joined college for a graduate program.

My husband and I have always put our needs aside to make the lives of children as comfortable as possible in every way. They were great as kids, good grades, very loving towards family and friends, helpful at home, responsible. My daughter turned out fine. My son was actively involved in sport like basket ball and table tennis. He won lots of prizes in various competitions at school for poetry recitation, drawing, music. He got great grades at school till his final year high school. It all started in his high school. One time, his exams were around the corner and I must admit I was strict about him using the phone or taking very long breaks during his study time. His teachers and principal had high expectations of him and told me to encourage him as a parent. I was never strict about his studies except in the final year high school.

Two days before an exam, his friend invited him for a birthday party and my husband and myself told him not to go for it. My son became very upset. He screamed and yelled and a few things in the house. Shocked at his outburst, I told him, he could go. But he chose not to. From then, I stopped interfering with his studies and never stood in his way of how and when he wanted to do things. My son took this as a green signal that he could bully, yell, scream and shout, destroy things and times use abusive language to get whatever he wanted. What he didnt realize is that, we were doing everything for him, not because we were scared of him, but as parents, doing the best we could . When he was in college as an undergrad, he got worse. He would taunt, bully and cuss more often. He would walk in when my daughter or myself were watching t.v. and would demand he wants to watch T.V., which meant we get up and leave. When we were using the computer, he would tell us to get up and leave and he would keep the PC on, and would be doing other things and use the PC probably an hour later. He would ask me to serve lunch or dinner and the food would be lying on the dining table for an hour or two, as he would be busy talking to friends on his cellphone. When reminded, he would say that he will have his food whenever he wanted. He did have good friends and was not involved in drugs or alcohol. His friends were not difficult or aggressive. My daughter used to be scared of him as he used to bully her, insult her and scare her with his mannerisms, that she used to be choose to be in her room when he was around. She was relieved to be away from him when she had to leave home for college.

Now my son joined university at graduate level and he hasnt changed a bit. During his recent stay with us for one month, I was scared to talk to him, as every simple or pleasant conversation would end up in him becoming arrogant with me, blaming me for 'not letting him' do as he pleased as a young boy and put me down in everyway possible. He has forgotten how fortunate he was as a child in every way. He always talks about all the things he couldnt have or couldnt do, and never appreciates all the good things he was blessed with and everything he has or could do which many of his friends or classmates couldnot. When he joined university for his graduate course a few days ago, I rang him up and he said, he'd talk to me later as he was going for a shower. I never got any offlines or email or anything from him. He continually expect my husband and I to keep fulfilling all his needs and is absolutely mean and inconsiderate to us. Though he was mean to my daughter, she rings him up and talks to him. She sent him some money when she first got her her pay, he never bothered to thank her for it.

I have raised my son with good values and I feel terrible that things have gone so wrong. He was such a lovely child and now he's turned so ungrateful and mean. He is fine when he is with others like friends, other family members and friends. However, I have also come to know of certain incidents where my son was arrogant and rude with others in conflicting situations. I don't understand why he holds so much or anger towards us. He is arrogant, abusive, and nasty all the time with us. He doesnot mind using profane language with us even though I have told him not to. I tried to talk to him and apologised to him over the past several years to forgive me for any wrong I have done to him and encouraged him and pleaded with him to mend relations with us, after all we are a family. Its fallen on deal ears. I feel the only connection we have now is limited to him depending on us to fulfill his financial needs. Whenever he is with us, he hardly makes any conversation with us, except if its got to do with needs which we have to meet or something nice that has happened for him. He cannot take no for an answer, it upsets him terribly. My husband and I I tried to advice him how destructive his anger problem is Its no use.

Sometimes I think he feels a sense of power and feels important each time he behaves aggressive, arrogant and mean. He thinks the only way to attain things is by scaring and bullying. I don't know what to do. He has no respect for older people as he considers old(er) people as stupid. He thinks he is a know it all. I love my son and wish our relationship was peaceful and loving. I wish he would treat us with some respect and not consider us as his eternal servants. We continue to treat him with love and affection as he is our son. Please help. I feel so hurt and sad. My son's attitude and behavior has affected my health.

[/quote]

Tell him to go to his room and not come out until they drop and he can talk to you, your daughter, and husband like some kind of an adult. As long as he acts like a child and can get away with it, he will.


#15

Your son sounds exactly like my younger brother. When he started behaving the way your son does as a teen, my parents and especially my mom ignored the behavior, then started rationalizing it (maybe he's stressed out, maybe he's depressed, etc.), and all the while they never said anything to him about how the way he treats them is complete unacceptable. She does not say a single word to him about it. Almost every interaction between him and my mom is verbablly abusive. It has become his default way of interacting with her.
What I wish my mom would do is tell him sternly that he *cannot *talk to her like next time he is rude, sarcastic, insulting, or cursing at her. You should do that with your son too. It will shock him and he will get mad, but you teach people how to treat you. He will continue to act like he does until someone tells him to stop. At 23, he should know better. The fact that you have let this go on for so long and are agonizing about his potential reaction makes me think you are the type of person who avoids confrontation at all costs, but this is definitely a time to stand up for yourself. You need to set boundaries with him. You worry about him not wanting to talk to you if you tell him he can't treat you like dirt anymore, but really, do you honestly have a good relationship with him now? If he only wants to talk to you when he wants money, you do not have a normal, healthy relationship with your son. With boundaries he will hopefully be able to come up with a more acceptable way to relate to you.
You should also probably stop supporting him financially. It is not cruel and unloving to stop supporting a child who has long since reached adulthood and you shouldn't think of it that way. He is 23 and has a bachelor's degree. He is more than capable of supporting himself, and many people go to grad school only to continue living the easy college life of having mom and dad take care of them. I left home at age 20 right before I graduated college and I was perfectly fine. He needs to get out into the real world. Although you did it out of love, meeting his every demand has severely stunted his maturation. At 23 he is acting like a 14 year old. The worst thing you can do as a parent is prevent him from growing up by enabling his easy lifestyle where mom and dad pay for everything he wants and needs and he doesn't have to lift a finger to get it. For your own sake and his, please make a realistic plan for him to leave the nest soon and start supporting himself fully. If this doesn't stop, he will still be living at home and/ore you will still be paying his bills when he is 30. I personally know several people in this situation, and there are several other people on these forums going through this. If you do nothing, nothing will change.


#16

I'm not a parent (I'm only 18), but I want to help. My best advie is to put your foot down and not be afraid to say "no". You need to tell him to grow up and be a man.


#17

Ok, I am not really as bad as your son sounds but I am sure my mom could probably relate to you.

I am 40 and my parents are FOREVER getting on my case about how ungrateful I am for everything they did for me as a child. You and my mom think that being a good parent means giving your kid a cushy life ! WRONG !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I wanted MORE than anything was the opportunity to learn for myself while I still had the security of living at home. Example (not 100% true but to give you an idea): I wanted to cut a pair of jeans into shorts. My mom didn't think the way I was to go about it would make the shorts look good. Being concerned she did what she though was best and forbid me to cut the shorts reasoning that I would still have the pants instead of a pair of ugly shorts. Then my dad would step in thinking 'but my poor daughter wanted shorts. I will cut the pants for her and she can have shorts'. They never understood why I would get so mad after my Dad spent all this time cutting my pants into shorts for me.

My parents (like I suspect you) missed the whole point. I WANTED TO CUT THE PANTS not so that I could have shorts half as much as I COULD LEARN HOW TO DO IT AND HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A MISTAKE AND LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT

No wonder your son is angry. That is pented up anger for having spent his whole childhood being protected by a mother hen. He is now 23, never had the opportunity to learn from mistakes and he is SCARED. At 23 he knows the price for his mistakes are a lot higher than when he was a kid

The worst part is, everytime he told you to stop watching TV or to get off the computer you did as he said. You created a situation in his mind where he is the boss. When he said 'jump', you asked 'how high'. You set the tone on that one.

Give your son his independance ie cut him off financially and let him learn from his mistakes ie rude behaviour gets him kick out of your home. He can only come back for a visit AFTER a sincere apology is given. And the best outcome is he learns and becomes responsibile. The second best is he comes back with his head down, asked for help (in growing up) and is willing to play by your rules

CM


#18

[quote="cmscms, post:17, topic:209803"]

No wonder your son is angry. That is pented up anger for having spent his whole childhood being protected by a mother hen. He is now 23, never had the opportunity to learn from mistakes and he is SCARED. At 23 he knows the price for his mistakes are a lot higher than when he was a kid

[/quote]

I completely agree. My parents did everything for me, and going off into the real world was kind of scary. I'd never had to fight my own fights or advocate for myself, and I was afraid of getting a real job in case I did it wrong. If I didn't do it right I would have to rely completely on myself to clean up the mess and that thought is pretty terrifying. If my parents hadn't been so overprotective I would be a much more independent, more productive, happier and less anxious person.


#19

Sad mom, you and your husband need to put your foot down with your son. Dinner is eaten as a family - if he is hungry at any other time - he knows where the fridge is, do not act like a short order cook. If he demands you turn over the TV or computer when you are using it - I'd suggest you tell him that if he wants first dibs over these things, he'll need to assume the mortgage payments plus all the bills of the household - until then, he is a guest in your home and not entitled to usurp the paying owners from doing anything at any time in their home.

He will balk in the short term and his behaviour will likely escalate as he tries to have you revert to your old submissive self with him. Stand strong. If he doesn't start acting appropriately with you, I'm with the others that you give him notice that all financial support ceases and that he is not welcome in your home for more than a meal at your invitation.

I moved out at 23 and had to take out loans to continue with school. It didn't overburden me and it won't overburden him. He is overdue to start making his own way in this world.


#20

Dear Jack Vk,

You're only 18. Yet, you took the trouble to read the post and offer your help with a simple yet effective advice. Thanks, God bless!


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