I’m in a bit of a strange situation currently, at least for me it is as I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’m trying to decide if this is a spiritual problem, and emotional problem, or what…??? I will say to begin with, I’m a very well adjusted 30 year old woman. I work as a research scientist and am quite confident in most situations. I don’t have a history of depression or feeling badly about myself generally. Quite the opposite in that I can be overconfident and even arrogant at times.
I attend daily mass, go to weekly Eucharistic Adoration and catechism classes. I was quite comfortable at church until about a week ago. Around that time I began having intrusive self-deprecating thoughts. Such as… I am worthless, I don’t deserve to be here (in the church), no one likes me, when I speak to the priest I am wasting his time, others are more deserving, my prayers don’t mean anything, I should just quit going to church, and so on, ad nauseum. It doesn’t happen to me anywhere except church or when I’m trying to pray. I’m remembering as I type that its also happened prior to a week ago, the few times when I have had a pressing issue I needed to discuss with my priest. In those cases it took me a few days usually to get up the courage to talk to him, because of the thoughts.
Today at mass the thoughts were so intense that I almost started crying. I had a very strong desire to leave. I did leave right after mass, but it was my day off and I had intended to stay after mass and say the rosary by myself. I started walking home, then felt a “pull” to go back to the church and say my rosary as I originally intended. I went back into the church and started saying the rosary. I was alone except for someone who was cleaning the church. While I was starting to pray, the thoughts came back, including some new ones like, you are in the way of the person trying to clean the church, its selfish of you to interfere with the person cleaning, get out, etc. I fought the thoughts for a while but the person was cleaning around me so finally I couldn’t stand it anymore and left. On the walk home I felt very disconcerted. The scariest thing was, on my walk home I have to cross a bridge, and as I was crossing the thought came into my mind that I was a loser and I should just jump off the bridge! :eek: Of course I would never do it. I am not depressed, not even close… I love my life. But it scared the **** out of me, that the thought even came to mind. I fought it though and it went away as quickly as it had come.
So… I guess I am asking for any thoughts on the matter. Is this something I should take to a counselor? My priest? I really have no idea what’s going on and its so unlike me, I can’t stress that enough. Its very scary honestly… my mother had a severe mental illness and I worry that I am going crazy.