Self Harm Scars and Dating

I have a few self harm scars. Most of them are hidden, but two of them are on the tpo of my hand and ym face. I am worried that this will be a hindrance to my ability to date a girl. I am 23, and never have had a girlfriend to begin with. I also have pretty strict requirements when it comes to dating anyways. I just feel like no girl is going to want to date someone with these scars.

That would depend on the girl. To some it will be a turn off, to others a turn on, but I would say to the vast majority it would not matter.

The two more important things are to make sure that (1) you have or continue to have help to overcome your self-harming tendencies and (2) you are honest and know what to say to the young lady when she asks you about them.

I am a recovering cutter. So was one of my ex girlfriends. I just reminded her how beautiful I thought she was. (well, is). She and I had both stopped cutting before that. Her scars were deeper, but they were in places that were hidden. I didn’t care, because I thought it more important that I loved her. Whether she had the scars or not. Be honest, this is the most important thing I can say.

Hey Zarek. Hey. Don’t let surface stuff get in your way. If anything it adds to your character. Gives you a bit more to pull from than the normal guy. Played right it’ll just give you a window into explaining how you’ve grown. (Sort of like my own ‘scar’ where my tattoo used to be.)

Assuming you’ve stopped doing it.

Peace buddy. Nice to see you again. Take care man.

-Trident

Nah, no way would they be a hindrance. Feeling ashamed of it might be, but the scars themselves, no. And if someone had a problem with just that, well then… you probably DO NOT want to be with that person anyway. Needs to be said, that would be shallow of them.

Let me first tell you a bit about modeling- a model has to pull off making a frock look good. You might think, well, if the model looks good that wouldn’t be so hard, but the truth is not all garments look all that great and its the model’s job to pull it off- look stylish in it, sell that garment! The model does this by how they walk, how they carry themselves. It comes from the model wearing the clothes instead of the clothes wearing the person… IN that same way, you must carry your scars. Learn to love them, creatively work with them. Let your internal light shine, outshine any darkness that caused them and outshine any sense of it being possibly aesthetically unappealing (which, honestly, I’ve never seen a scar that made anyone ugly, but that could just be me) . Carry yourself with pride (the good kind of course) and don’t worry about it, because really and truly confidence goes a long way. It is key. If you do that, I PROMISE you won’t have a problem. ** But it has to come from the inside. It can’t be faked either. **So do *love *yourself… The Lord God sent His perfect son down here for you- that’s not a guilt trip, but a show of how much God loves you and how much you mean to Him. He wants you saved! You are special to Him! Jesus died for you out of love!

Also, please let me tell you something about love… If and when two people fall for each other, those sorts of things like scars don’t matter. Too fat, too skinny, big nose, big ears, too short legs, too this or too that… all of that… doesn’t matter one bit. If you love someone, its the whole package… and you will just love each other regardless. And just look around at all the pairs of people. Not one of them is ‘perfect’, but I guarantee you the happy ones have love in their hearts for themselves and for each other. If anything, the love of your life would kiss those scars of yours with a tender caring love being glad you made it through the time that caused them. Might be hard for you to believe that kind of gal might be out there just for you… but it could be! Ya never know. Pray about it.

Now, in the meantime, take good care of yourself and let those scars be your past. Past is past. Future is future. It might be tricky if a date notices them and asks about them. You don’t have to divulge the reasons. You can just say “battle scars” and leave it at that, make a joke and change the subject. Carry it off with confidence. There’s no lie in saying that either- these types of things are battles. No need to feel ashamed either. Shame works to keep you there, in the dark, in the battle- it wants to pull you back in.

On the other hand, if you feel your date is a caring person and they ask and you don't mind divulging the full truth, then that's okay too.   Learn to assess the situation though, some people are not comfortable with topics that are heavy.   When you have time, try and think how you'd feel comfortable talking about it.  Sometimes, when someone isn't comfortable about something about themselves that is noticeable, it can take a while before you find that niche in attitude where you can carry it with confidence.  Do you love your scars?  Can you love your scars?   Find a way!  (Perhaps you already have... just covering my bases here) 

If the issue of cutting is still ongoing, (you didn’t say, so I must say this here) then I urge you to work on yourself as much as you can- like other than your prayer life, make it (YOU) priority #1. Dating would just be a distraction, plus some people out there (and especially at your age) could take advantage of you… sad fact, but true… so be careful if you decide to date if this is still an ongoing issue. Don’t let that discourage you though.

Best wishes to you… and have fun dating!

Dating a girl is about romantically communicating with her. As someone already said, it might be a big deal for some women, and don’t waste your time on them.

But the idea that NO girl would date you because of that flies in the face of biology and psychology.

Now, what WILL set you back is if you throw a pity-party for yourself, make a big deal out of it or be so self-conscious that you are not confident.

thanks. and good to here from you also.

Yes, and no.

If the relationship is headed in a serious direction then of course, a person would be obligated to reveal these things. However there is absolutely NO obligation to reveal your entire psychological past to someone on a first or second date. Every person is entitled to their privacy.

If a question comes up about the scars, a simple “it was an accident” and change the subject. Later on if you are still dating this person you can reveal the details.

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