Separate vacations

HI

Do you think separate vacations for spouses is a good thing? Are women likely to try to cheat on their husbands in that kind of a scenario? My wife is 51 and so are her 3 high school girl friends…they went to Vegas 2 years ago and want to go on a cruise next year. Am I just being paranoid? We have no sex life as she says she’s no longer interested but isn’t menopausal. We go to church together on Sundays as well. Her girlfriends have read the 50 shades of grey **** as well…my wife hasn’t

Thanks

Not sure why you’d jump right to infidelity, nor assume women in general would be engaging in that while on a vacation with their high-school girlfriends.:shrug:

First off, address the problem that your wife has lost interest in sex. Your unity and friendship is not some hobby that she can just decide to opt out on. That is hurtful and damaging tho your marriage.

As for the separate vacations, I know many couples that take them for the sake of a) very different interests-- she doesn’t hunt or fish or camp and he doesn’t like museums or quilt shows–or b) they have a business or the like that doesn’t allow both to be gone for long at the same time. It is not unusual to take vacations with same-gender friends, but not when time with the spouse isn’t the most frequent “friends” vacation they take.

I’d tell her you want a vacation dedicated to her friendship and romance with you. If that is not there, then no, her going somewhere you would enjoy but are not invited is not a good idea. Going where there will be a lot of alcohol consumption all around her would be an especially bad idea. Sometimes that changes the libido equation (not to mention the judgment equation) entirely.

I’ve offered to go away with her, just the two of us…she says no, we can’t afford it and who will take care of the kids…(14, 17, 22 yrs of age)…

But if she goes somewhere where there’s a lot of alcohol consumption with you, who knows what might happen?

Is the 22-year-old responsible and trust-worthy enough to leave in charge of the rest of the kids for the weekend? In any case, (unless there’s a disability) all of your children will be of age in just a few short years.

There would be nothing wrong with these solo trips, were it not for the fact that your sex life is non-existent.

Does your wife have any specific issues she’s raised with you, and has she seen a doctor about it? If she isn’t menopausal, she is probably perimenopausal and/or scared to death of another pregnancy if that is still theoretically possible.

I think there’s a lot of room for improvement in your relationship over the next four or five years.

Yes, the eldest is very responsible…she’d just much rather go away with her friends than me…and I’m not allowed to bring up the sex issue again either…I’m retreating more and more from her as she seems to have no concern for my feelings on the matter…if I don’t like it I can leave according to her.

We’ll be married 25 years in about 2 weeks time…

This sounds less and less like a “separate vacations” thread, but more and more like a “marital problem” thread.

Truly, this isn’t about your wife going away without you.

This is about your relationship with your wife. And from the sounds of it, counseling seems the best next step.

Yes.

Ditto.

Seems to me usually when there are separate vacations, it usually means it’s the husband who gets to go camping/hunting/fishing while the wife stays at home.

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions, PRAYERS51, unless you have something more to go on.

I am the Lord and willingly I am providing you with food from heaven; write, My dove, write these words from Scriptures"if you remain in Me
and My Words remain in you,
you may ask for whatever you please
and you will get it!"
in mercy I have pitied you and this is why I am here to instruct the uninstructed and to give My Law to the lawless; I shall continue to feed this generation on the heritage of My Father in Heaven; the Bread that cures you comes from above; the Bread of instruction descends from heaven, from My Father’s stores; no one should say: “I have nothing to eat;” here I am offering it to you so that you do not get tempted to eat what is vile and deadly, that which comes from the root of the world; My Spirit is offering you Life and peace; True Life In God (TLIG.ORG)

Well, I know about an incident from their Vegas trip…that’s how one of her girlfriends described it in an email to my wife—" Since the incident in Vegas, X’s husband has been nicer to her" When I asked about what the incident was my wife said they all broke down crying in Vegas about their husbands and that was the 'incident"

Okay. How does that change that this isn’t about separate vacations?

It is about the general relationship you have with your wife. Or the relationship she has with you.

I would worry less about vacations and more about the fact that she told you. “if you don’t like it, you can leave.” That isn’t what a loving wife says to her husband.

Thanks for your input…we went to our first counselling session a few weeks ago…this will be another topic to be discussed. I don’t want to think that she could be the type of person to cheat BUT…if there’s no stigma involved, no accountability, she’s in an anonymous environment with more than willing participants and she’s being egged on by her friends, who incidentally are also having marital problems…I think I have legitimate reasons to be concerned, yes??? I’m also concerned about the message this is sending my teenage son and daughters…:confused:

Okay, but the problem is the message about marriage that your wife (or you) is sending.

Going on vacation with girlfriends isn’t a bad message. Nor is it normally a problem. Heck, last summer, I went on a “Girls Weekend,” with a girlfriend. We stayed at a hotel. Went sightseeing. Went out for dinner. Had some drinks. Slept in. I had a great time.

My husband wasn’t worried one bit. But we have a great relationship.

Since your marriage seems to be in turmoil, no, I wouldn’t suggest separate vacations. But not because of the vacation. Instead, I would say no because of the state of your marriage.

She comes from a strong Catholic background and so do her girl friends. I’m inclined to think they just all want to reconnect, have a few laughs and re-energize and I don’t want to take that away from her if that’s all that’s going on…she’s an exceptionally conscientious mother and has has a right for some down time away from the stresses of family life. What I’ve been seeing in the culture though is that it’s okay to be a bad girl once in a while (even for married women) as long as everything’s confidential and no one gets hurt…it’s rationalized as a form of entitlement that didn’t even happen if no one finds out…see what I mean???

did u mean -Okay, but the problem isn’t the message about marriage that your wife (or you) is sending.

Like what the other posters have stated, do you trust your wife or not? Can you look at her and honestly convince yourself that she’d be that kind of person?

Or are you playin’ us?

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