Separated, divorced, annulled?


#1

I would like to start a thread to support those of us who are separated, divorced or in the process of divorce, or in the process of annulment. This is not a thread to complain about our ex-spouse or cast blame.

:gopray: It is about finding freedom through forgiveness, healing through taking responsibility, and strength through prayer. Tell your story (very briefly), ask for prayer, share your worries and your blessings. :gopray:

I don’t know if this is the correct forum for this, but it seemed appropriate to me.

God bless.


#2

I’m in the midst of a bitter divorce that I never wanted.
My Priest tells me that I must find it in my heart to forgive since I seem to constantly confess the sin of anger. I KNOW this is true…
I’m workin’ on it Father, I’m workin’ on it.
I do find I pray more now…mostly “conversation with God” type prayer as I’m driving, walking, etc.
I refuse to even seek an annulment though. I will be married to that *^#$$^$% (see? - anger issues :rolleyes: ) in the eyes of God till death us do part and it’s staying that way!


#3

i am going through a divorce too right now.
My husband left me 6 months ago and i filed a month ago as i could not bear to wait anymore.
I had stopped functioning and could not work/feed/take care of myself anymore.
My major problem is that we had a big fight and he left home becos of that… we have had issues from the beginning but I always believed that they would be worked through and marriage was forever unless there was adultery or abandonment involved as that is what the bible teaches… the elders of the church and the pastor talked to him twice but he is adamant… also the pastor of my old church was more interested in getting his work done through him than in showing him the right way…
anyways, i will be divorced in april…
I completed a novena to st therese yesterday for complete restoration of my marriage and asked for a real rose as a sign… I got a package from my friend yesterday with a gift and there were roses on it… i dont know what to make of it… I dont know what she is saying to me…
all i know is that this divorce was not necessary but he does not want to come back so i dont have a choice…
:crying: i was praying somuch for the past 5 months but nothing was happening…
i have started going to Divorcecare group for healing… its a great class and lets you know that you are not the only one going through all the depression, anger, anxiety etc…


#4

Catsrus and Mariam, I’m sorry to hear about your pain and anger over your divorces. My soon-to-be exhusband and I are on very good terms. He told me this summer that he wants to be celibate and that he doesn’t want to be married. That’s it. I asked him if he would allow me to remain in the marriage and choose celibacy. He said no. He doesn’t want to be married.

Our divorce will be final in January. We also have a young son who will be three in November. For our little one’s sake, we are doing everything necessary to remain open, honest, and loving with one another.

I know our situation is unique, and I’m grateful for that. Still, I wish we weren’t getting a divorce. On the other hand, I don’t really want to be in a marriage with a man who doesn’t want me. And I KNEW that going into the marriage – I just closed my eyes and hoped he would change!!

You are in my prayers.

Gertie (who has to get to choir practice NOW!)


#5

I guess you could say that we’re separated, sort of. He’s lived downstairs since May. The children (mine) and I live upstairs.

I was widowed almost 10 years ago. So, this is my second marriage. We’ve been married for about 4 1/2 years. It’s been bad from the start. For the last year, I’ve been working an “exit strategy”. I decided that it was never going to be an acceptable marriage and that my children and I had taken enough abuse. I have one more large hurdle and then I’ll file for the divorce. So, these days I pray for a lot of strength and for continued patience.


#6

AlaAnnie, you mention abuse. Are you and your children OK? There are shelters where you can go and they will give you all the physical and legal protection you and your children need. Please take care of yourself and your family! I am praying for you all.

Gert


#7

You say its a “bitter divorce.” Is it your anger that’s making it bitter?

Whether or not you seek an annulment, I do pray that you will choose to let go of your anger and forgive your spouse (and perhaps yourself). The anger will destroy you long before it bothers anyone else.

Breathe, pray, breathe, pray. You are precious to God.

Gert


#8

You said your husband left you because of a fight – but it sounds like there were already problems in the marriage. Don’t blame yourself for making him leave.

One of the things I’ve had to look at and accept through this divorce process is the responsibility I bear for it. That is, I married a man I have known since our childhoods. I KNEW that he never (in over twenty years of friendship) showed interest in dating, sex, marriage – yet I pursued him! He did ask me to marry him twice - the first time I said no because I knew that wasn’t who he really is. The second time I said yes because I really wanted to believe he would change, and I really believed he was my only choice.

In other words, although he was the one who requested a divorce this past summer, I know that I created this divorce by agreeing to marry him in the first place. Accepting responsibility (not blame, or guilt, or shame) for what I created has given me incredible freedom. I have been able to forgive him and myself. And I also know that I have the choice now to create the sort of marriage that I want, the marriage that God has planned for me.

As for the sign from St. Therese - - I imagine it’s not so much the rose that you want as your husband. Desperately holding on to your husband (or anything else) is like trying to hold on to a water balloon. The tighter you hold it, the more likely it is to either go squishing out of your hands and into the air, or just explode in your hands. Either way, you have a popped balloon and water everywhere.:wink: Let God speak in the silent places of your heart, and listen to what He has to say, whether you like it or not. He WILL give you peace - that is His promise.

Oh, and I once read in a book about St. Therese that it is not so much the sign we receive (a rose, for example) that is important. What matters most is how we RESPOND to the signs we are given. Well, it’s something to pray about anyway. You are in my prayers.

I hope that all of us here :gopray: will pray :gopray: and pray :gopray: and pray :gopray: for each other and our families!

Gert


#9

Well, I suppose that I am the first male to post here. My story, is rather long so if you have the time the link is here. This is one other update to the story which hasn’t been posted yet. The update is that I went and started the paperwork for the divorce after speaking with my parish Priest; however, when I informed my wife, she became very emotional and it broke my heart. So, I haven’t signed anything yet, nor presented her with the paperwork. I told her that I would hold off on everything until such time as we both agreed (one way or the other) on what to do next. I continue to hope that some day, she will ask me to come back. Oh, and there is yet another update that I am unsure was ever posted in the original thread. I now have two of my sons living with me. The third son is away at university. So, as it stands right now, my wife has everything that she originally asked for. Complete independence, no responsibility other than to herself, and no compromise on anything. I hope that she’s happy. I am not nearly as depressed as I used to be now that the kids are with me, yet the kids and I still feel the void of not having a wife/mother around. The kids are older and won’t be at home for too much longer and then I’ll be alone yet again. I can see myself falling further into depression when that time comes. What happiness is there in life without the ability to share it with someone? Don’t misunderstand, I won’t be sitting in a dark corner or anything. I’m active in my church (Knights of Columbus) and I have interests which keep me fairly busy, but it’s just not the same.


#10

Gert -

Thank you for your concern. The abuse has been verbal/emotional only. But, he has gotten hostile enough with it that I’ve come close to calling the police. Fortunately, he calmed down just as I decided that it was enough, to make the call. So, I didn’t have to. Since those times (it was twice in one week), he’s been to a counselor several times and seems to be getting rid of some of the hostility triggers there. And, no, this isn’t his first attempt at counseling. We’ve seen 4 different ones in our marriage and he saw some number of counselors during and following his first marriage. I don’t hold any hope for our marriage in the counseling - I only hold hope for his healing. He came from a home of abuse (physical and emotional) and of severe neglect. So, there is much hurt in him that needs to be healed. I’m just praying that his current counselor can get him to a point of acceptance for our divorce.


#11

Tietjen -

Your mention of loneliness struck a nerve with me. I carried that feeling with me for a long time after my first husband died. I attribute my current situation to my not dealing with that overwhelming feeling. The one thing that got me beyond it finally was a Catholic program called Beginning Experience. I’m sure there has to be one in the Nashville area. I went because even after I remarried, I still had that lonely feeling. I went in hope that the problems in my current marriage were due to these feelings. Well, that pit that I would get in my stomach is gone now - thanks for BE. But, the problems in the marriage remain. Please look it up and give it some consideration.

God Bless


#12

My heart aches for you and your family. I want to acknowledge you for being true to your marriage vows and your love of your family. I also want to acknowledge that you did a very difficult thing in presenting the divorce papers on the advice of your priest. It’s one thing to seek direction, and quite another to do what you are advised to do even when it’s difficult.

There is as much happiness in life as you choose for there to be. Being joyful is a choice. Look to the saints for your guides. Blessed Mother Teresa was the most joyful person I ever met - she even told jokes! Yet her life was nearly frantic with activity and filled with the deepest sorrows and sufferings of humanity. Our circumstances in life sometimes cannot be changed. But you can choose to be joyful, at peace, a contribution to those who are suffering. It sounds like your involvement in the Knights of Columbus is a great place for you to get the support you need.

Many blessings.

Gert


#13

originally posted by Gertabelle
You say its a “bitter divorce.” Is it your anger that’s making it bitter?

Hi Gertabelle.
Yes, it is my anger and also his greediness that’s making it bitter.
He wanted to be just “friends” and move on. I cannot be just "friends after 17 years of marriage. When he started to tell me about his “dating” experiences, I walked.
He wanted and got almost everything we’d worked for over those 17 years.
Yes, I am angry. BUT, I definitely am working on that!
I pray daily for fortitude, patience, and healing for my soul.


#14

Well, I’ve been waiting for the right time to post this and I guess this thread gives me the opportunity.

I am currently separated from my wife (4 months now) - living in same house but separate rooms. Our divorce will probably happen as soon as we finish remodeling our house and sell it. As a child that came from divorced parents, I never imagined that I would have to go through this myself. Thankfully, we do not have children.

I do not think I will be able to change her mind at this point although even if she did try to reconcile with me I don’t think I would be able to do it. We have too many differences (religion, cultural, etc) that we should’ve examined more closely before we rushed into marriage.

I’ve told most of my friends everything but almost none of my family because they are dealing right now with health concerns of my grandmother (who raised me along with my grandfather) because she is battling cancer. Everytime I see the look of pain in her eyes, I can’t bear giving her more pain by unloading my burdens on her at this time and I’m afraid if I told someone else in the family I’m afraid they would slip up and say something. Thankfully, my friends have been a good support system for me when I’ve needed them.

Each day I have the ups and downs of anger and forgiveness towards her (and myself) over this. I pray that this can just all be over soon and that I won’t be too resentful.

Before I got married, I might have had judgemental feelings towards people that I had heard a divorce. I think now I see things with a new perspective. I’m trying to make good things come from these bad things. For one, I’m much closer to God now and its making me a better person (still not flawless though :smiley: )


#15

Dawgfan, you say so many things here, and I’m glad you had the opportunity to say what you needed to say. I totally understand about waiting to tell family what’s going on. I finally told my mom (a month after the papers were filed) and she was great about it. I thought she’d be upset because I think she likes my soon-to-be ex more than she likes me!:eek: Well, probably not.:smiley: I was so glad I finally told her because I felt when I wasn’t saying anything that I couldn’t just talk with her. I was always holding back. Now that she knows we can just talk again and really be together and close like we always have been.

Chances are, whatever else your grandmother may be going through, she probably already knows something is going on.

The ups and downs are amazing and irritating. Some mornings I wake up angry, and some mornings I’m fine until I get to school and then I start to cry. But mostly I’m all right with it. And I agree that forgiveness and prayer are essential to this process.

I, too, have noticed that my heart has opened as a result of my own divorce. It’s hard enough to go through it without worrying about what people are thinking about me because of it. I choose not to judge others.

I found a really great book called “Spiritual Divorce” that has helped me a lot with all the questions, fears, stories, worries, and the anger. I can’t remember the author’s name, but the book is wonderful.

You are in my prayers.

Gert


#16

Thanks Gert. You are in my prayers also.

One of the strugges that I’m dealing with internally is: since I waited so long to get married (compared to all my friends) and since my marriage will be so short (just past the 2 year mark), I really question myself whether or not that I would want to ever be married again or ever have children. I can’t really determine if its just the disgust I have with how things have happened (mine and my own parents divorce) or that I just prefer to remain single.


#17

I think questioning your future position on marriage and parenting is totally normal while you’re going through a divorce and even after. You don’t need to choose now, just focus on loving God and listening to His voice. A choice made without freedom (like, “That marriage was awful so I never want to do that again”) is no choice at all.

Be patient. You’ll know God’s plan for you when the time is right. In the meantime, let Him heal your heart and show you where you need to open your listening now.

Many blessings.

Gert


#18

I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be praying for all of you who are posting on this thread. I, too, went through a divorce 10 years ago, and just recently had first marriage annulled. It was a very painful and bitter time for me back then, being left with two very small children to raise. We are still feeling the effects of this divorce to this day, especially with my boys. I just thank God that I have been able to provide for them, even when their father wasn’t there for them at the time.

In the meantime, God does give you many chances. I remarried (outside of the Church) and had another boy, and just this past September, after my annulment came through, we had our marriage convalidated in the Church. I will always thank the Lord for this chance to grow in love for Him (and for my husband) in my vocation as a married person.

God bless you all!


#19

this and the other stories here are tragic, and this should qualify as another “prayer request” thread. but this poster makes an observation that others caught up in such a scenario should keep in mind: the causes of the trouble within the marriage are often something brought into the marriage within one (or both) of the spouses with roots going back a lot farther. The person who has those demons to battle will still have them after the divorce. So many times divorce is another attempt–like switching jobs, moving to another state, going back to college etc.–to escape some conflict that is deep within the person.


#20

I totally understand where everyone is coming from, I waited a long time to marry also and now am divorcing barely 3 years after saying “I do”, I wasn’t super old…29, still I was older than many of my friends when they married. I wanted so much to be married and have a large family, I pray that I may be able to have that someday. My story was on this forum a year ago but was deleted after the hacking incident.

Just briefly, a year ago, four months after giving birth to my son I found out about my husband’s MULTIPLE affairs. Long story short, he wanted to work on the marriage, it took everything in me to forgive him and try to make it work. I felt like I had to for my son’s sake and for my sake, I was his wife and I had to forgive him and I had to give my marriage and my family a chance. I prayed alot…it was prayer, the help of Jesus, the Holy Spirit and the Blessed Mother that allowed me to do that. It’s funny…when I found out about the affairs I was relieved…I finally felt some peace even though my world had just been shattered, you know I didn’t even cry:confused: .

I did make it very clear that if the behavior continued it was over, I just couldn’t see myself running to the doctor for std testing every time I found out about another affair. He agreed, in the meantime I became pregnant again, not intentionally but it happened. I also found out at this time that he had got one of his girlfriends pregnant, well needless to say I told him to leave, he wasn’t even trying to work on the marriage he was just doing whatever he wanted. He wouldn’t come home for days and then when he did come home he acted as if nothing happened. Well I decided enough was enough and told him not to come home anymore and he didn’t have keys so he couldn’t come home. I filed for divorce, and when he got the papers he told me that “I obviously didn’t want to be married anymore or work on the marriage,” can you believe that, the nerve of that man.

The attorney suggested we put the divorce on hold until after the baby was born, we did. I found out that there was something wrong with my little Fatima at a 20 week check up, basically I was told she had a 65% of not surviving after birth, I was devastated and alone and with a 10 month old at home to think about. Of course they offered to “terminate” the pregnancy, I refused and put it in God’s hands, whatever His will may be I would accept although I was terribly sad. Well I had my little girl, she was full term and He allowed me to be with her for 40 hours before he called her back home. It was one of the saddest days of my life…for me, I know she’s in good company in the arms of Jesus and hanging out with her other Mommy which comforts me greatly. Her dad was not at the birth at my request and he was not at her funeral by his choice. I then find out that only a month before he had a son with his girlfriend. That really upset me, I don’t understand why that baby was allowed to be here but my little girl wasn’t, I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why that girl knowing she was having an affair with a married man was allowed to have her baby and I wasn’t. That will hurt me always, what do you call someone whose lost their parents…orphans, someone whose lost a spouse…widowed, someone whose lost a child…there’s not even a word for that, it’s undescribable, the pain and loss.

Now, the divorce should be final by the end of the year, I hope to move on with my life and I will be seeking an annullment, the only thing I want to tie me to that man is my son and nothing else! I am not angry or bitter, I am at peace and consoled everyday by the Holy Spirit. I made a choice early on that the only one who would suffer from my anger would be me and maybe my son, I’ve also seen what bitterness looks like in people who have dealt with much less than I have and I don’t want to live that way. I assure you though the only way I’ve been able to be where I’m at is through prayer and complete trust in what God’s plan is for me, all I ask for is the ability and strength to accept whatever it is He wants for me. This is much longer than I wanted it to be…sorry.


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