"Separated"


#1

Sunday I moved out of our bedroom into the guest room. DH is drinking again every day.

Last week, I received a message (don’t know how else to explain it) from God that simply said LEAVE HIM ALONE. I’ve been trying to discern exactly what that means because of the different meanings of “alone”.

I sense He is telling me to let Him (God) deal with DH in the silence of his own aloneness. An aloneness that isn’t of his own choosing, but an aloneness of his own doing. He needs to feel the suffering, the worry and the uncertainty of not knowing why he is alone. When he is ready to begin healing and take the first steps to making our marriage work and viable, then the alone can end.

He got extremely drunk on Sunday. He drank vodka all day (he thought I didn’t know SHEESH! must think I was born under a rock). As always, when he drinks like that, he wants to play with our 5 yo DD. He was “teasing” her about stealing her bites at dinner, but she was clearly not comfortable with his behavior when it went on too long. While “playing” he shoved chips into her mouth trying to get her to “take a bite”. It made her mad and hurt her.

I made the decision to not physically move out of the house for a variety of reasons. I’m a SAHM, finding a place to live in our community is very difficult, and since DH IS an active alcoholic I couldn’t trust him to either be sober when he visited her, or stay sober once he had her. Staying here gives me a some control over things. I’m doing my best to just “be”. I’m not offering any input, advice or comments about his drinking. I’m trying to just live my life while I wait for him to wake up.

I think I’m going to be in the guest room for a long haul. I’m so glad my priest agreed to be my spiritual adviser. I’m really going to need to keep myself in the right frame of mind and soul. When I made the decision to move out, to** LEAVE HIM ALONE**, I knew I had to be strong. To be willing to take some punishment mentally and I’m afraid to say, to fight off the attempts of Satan to destroy my husband and my marriage. I’ve got to keep praying for wisdom for me and most of all wisdom for DH.

Sometime, he has to wake up. Sometime he has to realize he is destroying his life. Sometime he has to see he is destroying his daughters daddy. I’m so scared. I pray God will help me get through this, help me protect DD and Keep her isolated from this awful thing happening to her Daddy!

I can really use all the support, advice and prayers I can get from all the holy wonderful people here at CAF.


#2

The single more significant element of my decision to end my love affair with alcohol was the exodus of every important friend from my life. Only when I was completely alone could I understand the depths to which I had fallen.

In addition, leaving my husband was the impetus behind his recovery as well. I did not divorce him, but I did physically leave. He was court ordered to treament before he was allowed child visitation rights.

IMO, your have made a positive first step. Reserve in your mind and heart space for the possibility that you may have to physically remove yourself from the home as well, although I realize the complications of such a move. In the long run, the more “alone” the alcoholic is, the better the chance that he will be forced to look at the mess of his life.

God bless. I will pray for you.


#3

Debbie,
I am awestruck by your courage and faith. I will keep you, your husband and your DD in my prayers. My husband has been sober for 20 years. I didn’t know him when he was drinking but he has told me time and time again that he is grateful to be a member of society again. I pray that your husband will make the choice to become sober and that in the meantime that the Lord will keep you all safe.


#4

I tried for over 30 years to make a marriage work with an alcoholic husband and failed. There really was nothing I could do that could make him whole. He had a God-sized hole in his heart and wouldn’t let God fill it.


#5

Prayers going up… .:hug1:


#6

I’ve seen this in my own family. :frowning:

Prayers for you Debbie, your daughter, and your husband, and for all those here who have felt the pain of alcoholism.


#7

You are in my prayers. Have you looked into either Al-Anon or St. Calix Society? I absolutely understand your desire to protect your daughter but the advice about the court ordering drug/alcohol testing and treatment might be a great catalyst to get him started on his recovery.

I have been sober in AA and The Church since 1992. It is possible for alcoholics to go one day at a time without drinking. I do it. Others do it. Sadly, however, most of us do not…most of us die.

Put him in God’s Hands and take care of yourself and your daughter…


#8

I’m sorry to hear this. :frowning: You and your family are in my prayers. Sometimes, our faith is tested–but God will always provide a clear lighted path for us to follow, even during our dark moments in this world. God bless you–and hope things get better.


#9

Thank you everyone for your prayers, and I ask for your continued prayers.

DH is “peeking through the curtains”, so to speak. He has been very nice, nearly normal acting if I may say, and asked me if I would be coming back to the bedroom soon. I told him I didn’t know. He said he wants me back, and I told him thats what I want too, but I’m not ready. I started to try explaining, and he told me it was okay, he understands. He just wanted me to know he’s going to fight to get me back. I just said “Okay”.

I feel guilty because I’m sleeping better and am really enjoying the time to myself. My prayers seem to have more depth when I’m alone. At the same time, I want my marriage to get to a functioning state. I’ll never say “I want my marriage back” because that would mean I want it as it was before. What I want is for my marriage to be whole and healed.


#10

i’m so distressed over your sorrows.

Sometime, he has to wake up. Sometime he has to realize he is destroying his life. Sometime he has to see he is destroying his daughters daddy.

sadly, this isn’t true. your husband doesn’t have to wake up, get real, hit bottom or sober up.

i’m in AA too, have been 23 years sober (because of AA and Sacraments) and i’ve seen so many people who can’t get it.

but your own situation is a lot like your husband’s. nobody can get him sober. likewise, nobody can force you to admit when the ship’s sinking. nobody can force you to abandon a sinking ship.

but the dinner episode with the potato chips is pretty scary. alcoholism is a progressive disease. the drinker never gets better at drinking. it always gets worse. sometime when daughter resists the game, or inadvertantly annoys, things might get disastrous fast.

my sisters and i, we were the daughters.

a spouse can hope and love and pray and fast and pray more for his/her alcoholic partner without exposing oneself and kids to all rancid, details.

please note: that if he’s alcoholic does not mean dh isn’t a great guy, isn’t a good provider, doesn’t love his family. it means he has an addiction/ obsession that makes alcohol more important than anything and it makes him erradic when drinking. ** it means that talking won’t convince him, but having no one to talk to might. **
but that’s not why you leave him alone. it’s not punitive or instructive. you leave him alone because that’s what’s safe for your kid and for you.


#11

:thumbsup: Hopefully there will continue to be signs for you to remain hopeful. We will keep you in our prayers.


#12

My prayers are with you. I understand the sacrafice that you make to suffer in silence. My DH is not an alcoholic but suffers from his own ills that affect our marriage, myself, and our young daughter. There is nothing I can do either but wait and love.

I have learned, rather been instructed :), of the necessity to love my husband because he cannot love himself. My sacrafice is just as a fast, instead of food I give up my desires and needs as a wife and wait patiently at the side lines for DH to “wake-up” and find his footing.

Marriage is a sacrament but it doesn’t take both individuals equal involvement to bring Christ into it. It only takes one faithful child of God and many many prayers.

May your burden by lightened with the companionship of our Lord and his Blessed Mother.

God Bless You!


#13

I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. It’s so hard when you have to make these kinds of decisions.

Prayers…going UP^:gopray:


#14

It breaks my heart each and every time another spouse says “I know what you are going through and what you are feeling”. I know my pain so we have the ability to greatly sympathize and empathize with one another. The prayers offered and prayed by others on our behalf lighten my burden as the faithful one praying to God. I have prayed many, MANY prayers, novenas, masses and holy hours. Some days are terribly lonely when I yearn for the human touch even though I do have the Lords Arms wrapped around me giving me comfort and love.

Thank you both for your prayers, and I can tell you, they are working! I haven’t updated this thread in a bit but have been posting regularly on the St. Monica Sticky thread. (see THIS post) The folks who populate and visit that thread have become some of my dearest friends.

On a positive note, I will be moving back to our bedroom next month sometime. We are in the midst of a complete room renovation/remodel, and it will be a wonderful way to rekindle our marriage with a brand new marriage room!

Please keep praying for us. We are relearning our communication skills. This past year plus have really broken down this area of our marriage. I am trying to get DH to read “Love & Responsibility” by JPII with me as a way to learn one anothers “love” needs. I also have the book “Men, Women and the Mystery of Love” by Edward Sri which is a book of insights on Love & Responsibility.


#15

I don’t know your pain so I won’t pretend to try say I “understand.” Rather I praise you for your courage and Faith and will remember you guys in prayer!

Joe


#16

Join forces with others – Al-Anon? – who can give you FACES to interact with. I know someone whose husband was a “closet” (Hah!) drinker for 25 years, who straightened out in 36 months after she got strong (she wasn’t even close to where you are now when she started out, she was so “enabling.”) God love you.


#17

Many prayers for you.


#18

I ask for your continued prayers.

While I have moved back into our bedroom, things are definitely not going well right now. I am fearful DH is drinking again. If he is, he is sneaking and drinking where I won’t see and know, and hiding the booze. I’m sure I’ve smelled it in our bedroom at night when I go to bed.

Please pray for my DH to quit for good. Pray for me to have strength and perseverance to do the right thing. Pray for our DD who is acting our right now and will be visiting with a counselor later this week.


#19

While I have moved back into our bedroom, things are definitely not going well right now. I am fearful DH is drinking again. If he is, he is sneaking and drinking where I won’t see and know, and hiding the booze. I’m sure I’ve smelled it in our bedroom at night when I go to bed.

Some tough love here from a sober alcoholic.

You gave him what he wanted, based on a short time of improved behavior. Now that he has what he wanted, he’s gone right back to the old behavior. This means that he may have been sober for a short time, but only for selfish reasons, and has returned to drinking. Now he can have *both *his loves.

You need to make it plain to him that his old behavior means you in the guestroom; and that if it keeps up to the point of his hurting your daughter, you will move out entirely, or throw him out. Say it like you mean it, and follow through. (Check the toilet tank for a bottle - but don’t throw it out. You don’t want him to know that you know where he hides his booze.)

Insist that part of getting you back in the bedroom is counseling for you both, with someone who is experienced with alcohol abuse. I do recommend Al-Anon, where you will get support for yourself. (It is not a program to teach you how to get your hubby to quit drinking. They help you regain and retain your own, real self.)

Also, as a back-up, talk to a lawyer experienced in legal separation, to learn what you need to do to to stay in your house and have adequate child support.

“Leave him alone” doesn’t necessarily mean “leave him in your house.” To throw him out is also leaving him alone. And it will help him see what his drinking has cost him. That’s one way we hit bottom.

Praying for you, with deep compassion,

Ruthie


#20

Thanks so much Ruthie. Very wise, and sobering advise.


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