Sunday I moved out of our bedroom into the guest room. DH is drinking again every day.
Last week, I received a message (don’t know how else to explain it) from God that simply said LEAVE HIM ALONE. I’ve been trying to discern exactly what that means because of the different meanings of “alone”.
I sense He is telling me to let Him (God) deal with DH in the silence of his own aloneness. An aloneness that isn’t of his own choosing, but an aloneness of his own doing. He needs to feel the suffering, the worry and the uncertainty of not knowing why he is alone. When he is ready to begin healing and take the first steps to making our marriage work and viable, then the alone can end.
He got extremely drunk on Sunday. He drank vodka all day (he thought I didn’t know SHEESH! must think I was born under a rock). As always, when he drinks like that, he wants to play with our 5 yo DD. He was “teasing” her about stealing her bites at dinner, but she was clearly not comfortable with his behavior when it went on too long. While “playing” he shoved chips into her mouth trying to get her to “take a bite”. It made her mad and hurt her.
I made the decision to not physically move out of the house for a variety of reasons. I’m a SAHM, finding a place to live in our community is very difficult, and since DH IS an active alcoholic I couldn’t trust him to either be sober when he visited her, or stay sober once he had her. Staying here gives me a some control over things. I’m doing my best to just “be”. I’m not offering any input, advice or comments about his drinking. I’m trying to just live my life while I wait for him to wake up.
I think I’m going to be in the guest room for a long haul. I’m so glad my priest agreed to be my spiritual adviser. I’m really going to need to keep myself in the right frame of mind and soul. When I made the decision to move out, to** LEAVE HIM ALONE**, I knew I had to be strong. To be willing to take some punishment mentally and I’m afraid to say, to fight off the attempts of Satan to destroy my husband and my marriage. I’ve got to keep praying for wisdom for me and most of all wisdom for DH.
Sometime, he has to wake up. Sometime he has to realize he is destroying his life. Sometime he has to see he is destroying his daughters daddy. I’m so scared. I pray God will help me get through this, help me protect DD and Keep her isolated from this awful thing happening to her Daddy!
I can really use all the support, advice and prayers I can get from all the holy wonderful people here at CAF.