Sex Starved Husband

I am so depressed, my wife doesn’t want sex anymore and doesn’t care that I do.

I do so much for her, I do most between us actually but she is being selfish. She just shrugs her shoulders.

We are both catholics but how do I go my whole life without sex? I am not allowed to masturbate either. I don’t want to just masterbate like when I was a teen but I am desperate, it feels like someone is playing with my bits and walking away, I constatntly feel turned on as its been so long, even waking during the night every night turned on and not being able to sleep. This is the worst feeling.

The feeling of rejection hurts too.

Wiping my wifes bum wouldn’t be enjoyable but if she were ill and I needed to do it then I would out of love for her, I wouldn’t just shrug my shoulders at her and maybe I will have to do that one day if my wife has parkinsons or alzheimers or something like that. Or maybe if I have something like that she wont look after me and just dump me in a hospice.

I cant go to communion when I sin in that way which is at despeperation and she shrugs her shoulders and goes to communion herself.

How am I supposed to get to heaven? why is it so hard for a man, my body constantly telling me to have sex. I either go to hell or I pray for testicle cancer so they get chopped off but then I would be in a different type of depression and I am sure if I told her I had cancer she would shrug her shoulders at that too.

we are in our thirties, I cant go 30/40 years without sex it is impossible.

I don’t know how to pray for this.

I know if I were starving my wife and she wanted it I would be a selfish man pushing her into the arms of another man where she can get love but as she is starving me then I know I will be the selfish one somehow.


Oh, no! Not another one of these threads! :doh2:

Hi depressedhubby,

Be at peace and know that God loves you. This is a difficult cross he has put in your path, but He does not give you any cross that you cannot handle. Turn to Him for guidance.

Are you going to Confession frequently? If not, start. You cannot keep the sacrament of marriage going if you do not regularly go to Confession. I’d also get a spiritual director to help you through this time. Try to meet with a priest and be open about all the sins you struggle with. If possible, start going to daily mass as well.

Turn to the Blessed Mother for help. Pray the rosary daily, and start a strong devotion to her. She is an excellent advocate for you and will aid you in purity to give you the strength to get through this.

Above all else, do not give up and have faith! I will pray for you!

stop being selfish and thinking off yourself, sounds like you are looking for an excuse to cheat

Hi depressedhubby,

As I read through your post a second time, this seemed to jump out at me. Why do you think you struggle with turning to God to prayer for this particular issue?

The struggle for purity is absolutely not an easy one, so prayer is particularly essential in this struggle.

Do you have children? What’s a day like for your wife? Have you two went on a date lately? Do you hug and touch her outside of asking for sex? Is there a fear of pregnancy?

If you are not interested in this thread or advising the OP, why even bother replying?

This is a catholic forum where we “should” be behaving charitable to one another. Why come here to belittle the OP and his situation??:shrug:

depressedhubby I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING!!! I feel your pain loud and clear! I can’t remember the last time my wife and I had sex. WOMEN ARE SO SELFISH IN THIS REGARD TO HUSBANDS! THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO PUT IT! I wish I had an answer for you. People say therapy, counseling or see a doctor. But we both know our wives don’t want to change! They are selfish! Just know you are not alone!!! YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

Good advice, I agree with talking to a priest. If your wife is catholic, maybe she would be willing to join you. Prayers coming!

If whatever you’re doing doesn’t work, stop doing it. You say you do so much for her, yet this results in her total indifference, lack of consideration,. Plus marital relations are central to marriage and it’s spouses’ duties. If treating her like a princess results in her treating you this way, then stop doing that. Not all women are alike, some will be grateful, others will see you as their slaves, will have no respect for you. So from now on, chivalry is out, she gets to mow the lawn, shovel the snow, scrub the bathroom floor, unclog the toilet etc. If she doesn’t work, hint that deep down you have a free spirit of an artistic nature and that you may not be cut out for work, that voluntary frugality seems like the best course of action. That working a minimum job 20 hrs/week would greatly enhance your quality of life. People think that charity, being christlike is being spineless, a freaking doormat. Turn off the faucet that meets her needs/wants. If all else fails, tell her sister, in front of her, how gorgeous and smart she is. If she’s insecure about her looks, tell her this dress makes her look fat. She’s taking you for granted. Act a little indifferent, less needy, have nights out with the boys, no more begging for sex. She needs to be taught a lesson.


:bigyikes: but there are some misguided and uncharitable replies on this thread.

OP, I feel your pain (not in a clintonian sense), because I am where you are. My wife doesn’t “shrug her shoulders” and refuse me, but since she returned to the Church, she has been making it very obvious that she doesn’t like it. She will acquiesce, but I have found begging for sexual relief to be very degrading. Also, her dislike for the process causes major problems for me when it comes to finishing the act, because a big part of my enjoyment is knowing that my partner (and I’ve only ever had one partner) is also enjoying it, and if she’s not enjoying it, I have to sidetrack my mind into other scenarios, or I lose my . . . umm . . . capability. And that is also considered to be a sin.

I go to confession every two weeks, and my priest knows all about my problems. He has told me that this seems to be the cross that I have to carry, and that is the message that I give to you. Bear your cross as well as you are able to, and receive the sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist as often as you need to. But don’t fall into thinking that her refusal gives you the right to make it with someone else.


I agree.

My prayers will be said for you to find a way to restore your marriage. Personally, I hope writing your thoughts down will help you organize them when you speak with your parish priest . You need many things to change but right now I feel that you need support and spiritual guidance. I am sorry for the curt, rude comments you have had from a couple of people, it is hard to know what goes through some people’s minds but I assure you that I care and will pray for you.


REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

Or - maybe try to find out what’s changed for her to make her feel this way, instead of becoming as unpleasant as you suggest? We are not with someone to ‘teach them a lesson’. That’s nothing to do with being married.

When poster answers my questions, I’ll be happy to explain and give some advice. I think his wife may have hormone problems as well. My husband and I have went through the same thing, now we are older and it’s the other way around. You’d think god would let our hormones correspond at sometime in our life haha!

This is a situation that actually goes above and beyond celibacy, because you’re married, living with a woman, and intended for intimacy. Rejoice to God, if nothing else, that he has - at least for the time - put you on a path more elevated than that of a priest or religious.

I can’t offer you advice on the specifics, as I’m a single guy. Just pray for your wife’s soul and for your own mastery. Say the Rosary and ask your mother for solace. Go on walks. Exercise. Keep yourself busy. Rinse and repeat. It is not going to be easy. Pretend you’re in the SAS. And then, when it all said and done, your wife will one day come back to you, and you will say 'TOUCH ME NOT FOR I AM CHASTE. I NEED THEE NOT, WOMAN", and you will live in continence for the remainder of your life.

Okay, you might want to disregard that last sentence. The rest of the stuff is gold bullion material though.

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of Mercy!
Our life, our sweetness, and our hope!
To thee do we cry, poor banished
children of Eve, to thee do we send
up our sighs, mourning and weeping
in this valley, of tears.
Turn, then, most gracious advocate,
thine eyes of mercy toward us; and
after this our exile show unto us the
blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus;
O clement, O loving, O sweet virgin Mary.

Pray for us, O holy Mother of God
That we may be made worthy of the
promises of Christ.

I think women typically peak sexually at 40, for men it’s downhill from 20. Hormones probably match for a few weeks when both are 30. :stuck_out_tongue:

That may be “generally” true, but all generalizations are false (including this one :stuck_out_tongue: ). I am in my 60s, and I haven’t noticed the slowdown yet. I wish the slowdown would happen; I would be very happy living the rest of my life without feeling like I have to have sex (as long as that process didn’t negatively impact on my other activities; I still like to ride my bicycle hard and fast).

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