Sexless Honeymoon (Help!)


#1

Long story short: I'm engaged!!! Fiance is Catholic, I'm Protestant (Don't worry- kids will be raised in the Catholic church). We like NFP, we agree with Catholic church's stance on contraception, and we're using NFP for a few years until we start a nice big family (yes, we have valid and dire reasons to avoid at this point- we're both in graduate school and have no income).

Now, I need some serious support! It's all fine and well if you used birth control for five years of marriage, got financially stable and ready to start a family, and now spout off the benefits of your newly-found NFP on your marriage and love life... but your perspective is not really what I'm looking for. Where are other couples like us who after years of dating are finally ready to express our love physically, but are looking at a potentially abstinent honeymoon? I haven't found you yet, but I know you must be out there! Your input and support would be so great right now.

Did you even plan a honeymoon? Did you go out of the country? How did you resist the temptation to be irresponsible with your fertility? How were you able to overcome the fear of becoming pregnant (society screams unprotected sex=babies) and enjoy the experience? I really have no one to talk with about this, except my fiance. My parents think I'm nuts and are pretty concerned about me finishing grad. school, and his parents contracepted until they were infertile and probably have a hard time putting themselves in our shoes. They are happy about our decision, but not happy enough to extend our honeymoon so that we can at least consummate the marriage during that time.

I don't want to sound bitter- and if you didn't go through this and still want to give advice, please, by all means, do! I just need extra understanding here. It isn't like your average monthly period of abstinence for a couple in their forties- we are young, ridiculously in love, and very "excited" to give ourselves to each other in a God-pleasing manner. I also do not need a lecture about the morality of NFP- at this point, Janet Smith, C. West, and the Von Hildebrand family have already been read and are on the bookshelf. Thanks so much in advance!


#2

Quick answer - very good chance on the night of you wedding you won't be very interested anyway. Assuming you have a reception till 10pm or maybe later, by the time you finally get out of there and to your room, you will probably be tired, stuffed, and more than a little tipsy.

As for the entire honeymoon, well, I guess thats up to nature. I don't know the rules on how long you could potentially have to wait! I know my wife was counting out 28 days backwards 11 months before the wedding. But if your wedding date is set, don't think there is much you can do at this point!!!!


#3

Don't worry about the wedding night. You will be exhausted! (By the way, I recommend NOT drinking at all on your wedding day--the memories are precious, why taint them with alcohol?) Just create your own "wedding night" the first time your fertility cooperates after the wedding.


#4

Have you picked a date yet? Would it be possible for you to try and chart ahead of time and choose a date accordingly, accepting of course that it might be off and then you might abstain?
I usually have a perfect cycle...but with the nerves of my wedding I got my period 3 times the month of my wedding!!! Seriously! My calculations were confused...but we went on ahead anyways:) but I guess it just wasn't my time...2.5 years later with NFP and no babies yet.
I am a little confused about why your in-laws are involved in this? Maybe your wording was off but you mentioned something about them extending a honeymoon? I hate to say it...but you really have to learn not to include other family members in your sex life, especially when they do not share your mindset. They will always be imposing their opinion on you and that can get ugly and feel like a lot of pressure. I want to reassure you that you are not crazy, you are actually doing something that is very incredible and a good investment in your marriage. Contraception does not have a good impact on marriage. Today's mindset is scary...people forget that babies are the natural consequence of sex. IF you are truly afraid of having a baby now is a great time to look into yourself and see why that is. If you are truly not ready to be open to life you don't have to force yourself to get married. I got married at 23 and even though we use NFP, a baby is always welcome here. I know it can feel scary, but with God there is no fear - especially not of a precious gift!
Society is not baby friendly, and this contraceptive mentality of babies as the "uninvited" visitor in one's sex life is the reason abortion has become so common and accepted. Praise God that you and your fiance have chosen not to invite the culture of death into your wedding bed. God will bless you richly for it.


#5

When I say "honeymoon", I mean the week-long vacation usually taken by newly married couples. Thanks!


#6

[quote="Augusta_Sans, post:3, topic:180112"]
Don't worry about the wedding night. You will be exhausted! (By the way, I recommend NOT drinking at all on your wedding day--the memories are precious, why taint them with alcohol?) Just create your own "wedding night" the first time your fertility cooperates after the wedding.

[/quote]

I totally agree on not drinking alcohol on your wedding day. And if you do drink alcohol on your wedding day, don't get drunk! Remember, the Church teaches that drinking in excess is a grave sin:


#7

Thanks, mercymia. Just to clarify, my fiance's parents broached the whole issue of NFP (they are for it- wished they had used it) with him over a year ago. He has a great relationship with his dad, and they have had several good talks. Nothing inappropriate about that, I don't think. Obviously, my mom notices that I'm not filling precriptions for birth control. We also have a great relationship, and she is supportive of my decision... but she still probably thinks we are a little nuts! Both his dad and my mom told us that we did not need to talk to them about it and they wouldn't ask, but we haven't felt the need to be super-secretive (at least with the same-gender parent).


#8

I don't think you said when you were getting married, but I would spend the time between now and the wedding charting your cycles so that you know for sure when you're fertile and when you're not. You might be surprised at how few days you are fertile.

I charted for almost a year before we got married, and, of course, was ovulating when we got married!! lol. I would echo what others have said about the wedding night - you're too darn tired! The other benefit for me in knowing that I was ovulating was that we knew we couldn't be intimate that night, so we didn't have to be nervous about it along with everything else.

We had to wait about three days, I think, and it wasn't that hard. We kept busy, we had a great time, enjoyed being married and sleeping in the same bed and all that, and when we knew I wasn't fertile anymore, we went with the flow. You find other ways to show that you love each other besides that one physical way.

And I'd be careful what you say about couples in their 40s!! You might be surprised about the sex life of some of those couples! 40 isn't old!!

Best wishes.


#9

My fiance and I are in almost the exact same situation - glad you asked the question, I was about to! The date has already been set, and moving it isn't an option. . .it would seem like a very cruel joke if we've abstained for all the years we've been together (and all the years before), and then, at the moment we're able to. . .we can't. :D

So, right now I'm just praying hard that it all works out - I'll pray for you and your fiance too!


#10

[quote="LynnNH, post:8, topic:180112"]

And I'd be careful what you say about couples in their 40s!! You might be surprised about the sex life of some of those couples! 40 isn't old!!

Best wishes.

[/quote]

What about 61? :o) LOL.


#11

Congrats on your engagement! And that's wonderful that you're using NFP even with being Protestant, that's not really heard of much with Protestants :) I used to be one.

My fiance and I are also getting married, next year. I've been thinking of this as well. We have the date set, but I'm not sure where in my cycle it will fall. I think at the time, we won't be financially ready for a baby should it come, but I believe in trusting God. If he gives you the gift of a baby, well, what a wonderful gift that is! He doesn't give you more than you can handle. Sometimes it's hard to trust, I know how that goes!

But if you really feel that God isn't calling you to become pregnant at that time, for whatever reason, then just wait it out. I've heard multiple people on here saying they didn't get intimate on their honeymoon, and they don't regret it. I guess then you'd use the time to get used to being with your husband in other ways. Sleeping together and cuddling. And, if you're going away someplace for your honeymoon, I can only imagine there will be tons to do, and you'll be exhausted anyways!

God bless!


#12

It's really not a big deal at all.

DH and I abstained during most of our honeymoon due to two factors. AF plus I fell down stairs and broke my ankle. We were in a foreign country and I spent a week of our honeymoon in the hospital, had surgery, and then DH had to nursemaid me for the rest of the honeymoon and after we returned. That was NOT what we had planned for our honeymoon.

A number of my NFP using friends abstained on their honeymoons as well, while others did not. They simply took the long view of things and knew that a lifetime together would even it out.

We all determined that we would begin the way we intended to live.

And, you are too far away from your wedding/honeymoon to even be concerned about this. Your cycle will vary, and stress can impact things. So, don't try to time it... just go with whatever is presented to you at the time. Plan a honeymoon to a place you both want to go and just enjoy your time together.

It will be fine.


#13

Oops! I meant no disrespect to couples older than I, I was just trying to illustrate that you most likely haven't been abstaining from each other for years during the most fertile time of your life. Thanks to everyone for your input... I'm still a little suspicious of the "It's no big deal" approach. To us, it is kind of a big deal- something we have been highly anticipating. I'm not looking for solutions, just trying to learn from the experiences of others...


#14

[quote="Romans15_5_7, post:13, topic:180112"]
Oops! I meant no disrespect to couples older than I, I was just trying to illustrate that you most likely haven't been abstaining from each other for years during the most fertile time of your life. Thanks to everyone for your input... I'm still a little suspicious of the "It's no big deal" approach. To us, it is kind of a big deal- something we have been highly anticipating. I'm not looking for solutions, just trying to learn from the experiences of others...

[/quote]

Yes, it is a big deal at the time. I think the point is that once you have conquered that difficulty, it is less of a big deal afterwards than you expect. I think the point is that abstaining during your honeymoon, while difficult at the time, will not cause problems in the long run for your marriage.


#15

[quote="RSD, post:14, topic:180112"]
Yes, it is a big deal at the time. I think the point is that once you have conquered that difficulty, it is less of a big deal afterwards than you expect. I think the point is that abstaining during your honeymoon, while difficult at the time, will not cause problems in the long run for your marriage.

[/quote]

exactly that :thumbsup:
Good things have been said so far, so let me just emphasize
- it's normal you're anticipating much, but even without being able to be intimate physically, your honeymoon will be a wonderful, discovery time
- beginning charting TODAY would be very, very wise : it will help you rationalize things
- even if NOW, counting, thinks look like you will have to abstain, chances are VERY big this will shift

as for me, 11 months ahead of my wedding, when the exact date was set in order to accomodate most family members, I had my first calculation => the set date was to fall right at the beginning of my 8-10 days average fertile period :shrug:
my pretty regular cycles remained regular, but shortened (lost a day) + one was totally abnormal => wedding date finally fell at the beginning of the infertile period :) . I couldn't have dreamt of a better timing.

Yet, with more hindsight now, I can see that, even if it was great to be able to consummate on our wedding night, a few days would'nt have made such a difference : remember learning these things take MUCH time : by the end of your honeymoon, you still will be FAR from doing things perfectly. Far from being at ease with it. Thats' normal, and in any case you'll just end up like everyone: learning in your everyday life settings. ;)


#16

Get the proper order of things in your mind, and this will move into the proper perspective.

First is your Spirit

Next is your soul

Last is your Body.

Funny how society tells us things work the other way?

Remember, sex is made for marriage - marriage is NOT made for sex.

Reverse your thinking.


#17

[quote="Romans15_5_7, post:1, topic:180112"]
It isn't like your average monthly period of abstinence for a couple in their forties- we are young, ridiculously in love, and very "excited" to give ourselves to each other in a God-pleasing manner.

[/quote]

:eek: What in the world makes you think that "couples in their forties" aren't still ridiculously in love, and very excited to give themselves to each other in a God-pleasing manner??!!! My gosh - if anything, it's more now, than it was when we married!!!

Pray your marriage grows in the same way.

~Liza


#18

This happens to more people than you think I'm sure, and it happened to my wife and I. We got married in May of this year, and I was feeling the way you're talking about. Normally my wife had huge stretches of "green days", but I think she had a "white day" every day (10 days) of our honeymoon. I thought that it was a trick:) In the 6 months of NFP preparation we did, we didn't see anything like that, but there we were on our honeymoon, and we had to abstain. She's in school as well, and 8 - 5 every day plus homework would not work with a child, so we're waiting until she finishes school. Anyhow, so what did we do? Well, we were in Hawaii. There was so much to do! I can't say we didn't have downtime where we wished things were different, but we'd wake up and watch the sunrise, go hiking, go fishing, walk the beach, go snorkeling, go swimming, have nice meals out, go shopping and grill out, tour the island, we watched the Nuggets in the playoffs, and we just enjoyed being together away from her schoolwork! The wedding planning was over, there was no homework, and we were in paradise. For us, that was amazing! So much of our time was spent planning the wedding, and my wife is quite frequently stressing out about school, so it was just nice. Looking back, it seems silly that I made a big deal about having to abstain at the time because eventually, you get that time together. It's special regardless of whether or not you're on your honeymoon, and if you have to abstain on your honeymoon, I almost guarantee it will strengthen your resolve. You will ask yourself, why are we waiting? You'll remind yourself exactly why (school and no income), and you'll think, yeah... we can't do this. Soon after you're married, I'm sure you'll hit another situation where you don't want to abstain, but you have to. You'll think back and say, if I could do this through the honeymoon, I can do this now. For us, it's kinda funny to look back at our honeymoon and know that we had a great time despite the abstinence. Being able to get through those situations is so good for your marriage too! You learn to show each other your love in other ways. It's great:)


#19

[quote="kage_ar, post:16, topic:180112"]
Get the proper order of things in your mind, and this will move into the proper perspective.

First is your Spirit

Next is your soul

Last is your Body.

Funny how society tells us things work the other way?

Remember, sex is made for marriage - marriage is NOT made for sex.

Reverse your thinking.

[/quote]

this just got me thinking, and got me back 2 years ago, a few months before my onw wedding. I think Romans15_5_7 is just making the same mistake as I've been making, and which is quite common among young, faithful Catholics, as I could see around me.
Namely
- Society gives us a certain view on sex, where performance has a great part.
- We,young Catholics, are happy that we know "the right way", and keen to follow the Church's teachings
AND** we want to be a proof that these teachings are made for man's happiness**

==> we want to show that being Catholic does not prevent from having the best sex life ever!
==> and thus are putting SUCH a great pressure on ourselves ...

Tell me if I'm wrong, Romans, but doesn't this play a role in your questions / anxieties ?

When I got married, I DID feel this pressure to have sex as often as NFP would permit, and that this would be as pleasurable as possible...:blush:
I needed time to realise that our society's emphasis on performance is a terrible illusion, and that wanting to show the world how a Catholic's sex life was just the best, actually prevented me from enjoying it truly.
- I wanted to have had a "crazy" honeymoon where we would have made love daily / twice a day, and somehow I spent our otherwise beautiful honeymoon with a "shadow calculator" in the back of my mind:shrug:
- this shadow calculator remained there afterwards, and enticed me to initiate sex on moments when I perfectly knew neither DH nor I were able to make it really beautiful:eek:
- it made me resent our first, awkward and physically not so great months of physical intimacy:( until I was able to realise these humbles beginnings were perfectly normal. Suddenly I became able of enjoying the small progresses we lovingly made instead of remaining stiffly focused on a "level" I expected us to be able to reach.:o

As you see, THIS is highly dangerous !
so please, Romans, don't put this pressure on yourselves, be prepared to take things slowly, and enjoy each little step. I was a fool to manage my beginnings as a "race"... and now I enjoy them as a "quiet walk hand in hand with my DH", I realise it is sooo much better !
We attended a great conference, a few weeks ago, where a Catholic sex specialist explained that only after around 10 years of loving intimacy did a couple reach their full abilities in this field. This I would have been unable even to hear 1 year ago. But now I know it to be soooo true, and SO beautiful.
So... take your time, no reason to rush ! Your honeymoon merely is a beginning, it's not the end of all !


#20

[quote="Romans15_5_7, post:13, topic:180112"]
Oops! I meant no disrespect to couples older than I, I was just trying to illustrate that you most likely haven't been abstaining from each other for years during the most fertile time of your life. Thanks to everyone for your input... I'm still a little suspicious of the "It's no big deal" approach. To us, it is kind of a big deal- something we have been highly anticipating. I'm not looking for solutions, just trying to learn from the experiences of others...

[/quote]

I can't help but laugh as I'm reading your posts. :p I'll take a bit of artistic liberty here, and postulate that you're anticipating that sex is going to be this huge thing that kind of takes you over and holds you in it's thrall until you and your lover are utterly spent and can do nothing except lie in each others arms... hate to break it to you, but, unless you're really lucky, honeymoon sex ain't going to be like that. ;) It will probably be more like... huh... so that's how it works... interesting. :shrug:

And that's not a bad thing! As others have pointed out, couples get better at it over time. Heck, I've only been married a few months, and we've come a long way already! :o But the point is: waiting another few days will not impact your marriage negatively at all. If you have to wait a bit longer, so what? You've been waiting your whole lives, a few more days won't kill you. And if you end up not being able to wait, well, no problem, you'll be married! :D I didn't catch if the OP is the woman, or if their fiance is, but the stress of the wedding might mess with her cycles, and you might be just fine. And there is more to the honeymoon than sex! This is your time to spend a lot of alone time together, doing whatever you want, with no time constraints, no chaperons, with only your imagination as the limit! Get out of the hotel and explore, have some fun, build some memories! :thumbsup:

tldr: It will be OKAY, you will survive! Have fun on your honeymoon! :D


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