I need guidance with this. A brief synopsis of myself. I am a 25 year old male. When I was younger my parents divorced at a very young age so I was primarily raised by my mother and grandmother. I had an uncle around here and there and a grandfather. My mother later remarried when I was a teenager and we have a good relationship but I wonder if me not having a father when I was younger has made me somewhat dysfunctional when it comes to me forming female relationships.
What I mean about being dysfunctional is that I have been late in dating women due to my own maturity and my mother almost trying to tell me who to date. I am a black male and tend to have always been more attracted to women outside of my race but it seems it is something my other doesn’t understand so I hid my so called love life from her.
I have previously experimented with men (and at this time I have not had much intimate contact w/ women) which brought some sexual confusion. I am not physically attracted to men. I can tell if a man is deemed ‘attractive’. The idea of kissing a man is not my kind of thing. I even bodybuild a bit and can admire a nice physique but I am not physically attracted to a man in that sense.
I have fantasized about being a woman for a guy and be sexual with them. I do not know where this sexual fantasy has came from but that is the source of some confusion in my sexuality. I am a masculine guy. I am not much football and basketball like ‘most men’ or anything like that. I consider myself laid back and I do not have any fake machismo BUT why do I fantasize about something like this? I love women and physically attracted to them but I have had ahem bad luck in that arena in the past. I have suffered depression in the past so maybe I might have looked to other men for something.
I know psychologically you can argue that people are not ‘born straight/gay’ but rather external stimuli affect that. I think some in my life may have damaged that to cause some feelings.
Maybe the fact that I did not have a real father figure for some time? No idea. Please I ask for guidance and understanding for me. My fear is that these feelings might linger and later affect me in life ,perhaps damage a marriage for example, which I do not. But then again maybe I just need a woman in my life to help me out. :shrug: