I suffer from a sexual disability. At this point in my life I’ve talked about it a lot and I am starting to get understanding from my psych providers. I have been in catastrophic psych care since I was 21 with a b.s. diagnosis that did not address the suffering I had experienced since I was a child. My brother had kneed me in the crotch when I was a little girl and I grew up feeling like there was something wrong and there was. I had a secondary injury when I made a suicide attempt when I was 24. I almost died from the pain from the catheter probably because of a UTI.
So about a month ago I went to the ER in the city nearby and was referred to that hospital’s Partial Hospital Program. I had been to one of these programs there in my 20s. There I had an unfortunate incident with my condition. I am 56 now and have experienced a lot of abuse in the MH system and in life since I was 24 and my condition in groups recently has been scattered and confused. At the PHP I had a spontaneous sexual reaction when a young girl was talking, she was very upset, she was wearing scanty clothing. It was embarrassing and terrifying. For about 5 minutes everybody hated me without saying anything and then the group leaders moved things along.
To make a long story short I was discharged from the group on the following day, which wasn’t until the next week. It was only my 4th day. Now I realize it was probably because of this incident. The problem is that I was probably not 100 yards from the location of the ICU were I had been damaged 32 years ago, and that hospital is probably liable for malpractice because of it. And I did talk to them about it so they weren’t unaware of the situation. The treatment I got was so rude.
I went back to the ER last Friday, I called the group first and talked to the same group leader, he said he would call ahead. When I got there, the intake worker in the pscyh area took me aside and talked to me about Medjugorge! for half an hour. Then then kept me until 5 in the morning, without my medications, waiting for the doctor to release me to go home. The intake worker had talked to me about “pure love.” “Only pure love gets into Heaven,” he said. I said I wanted to go back to the PHP. He said “Its not a forever place.”
Since then I have experienced miraculous healing of my two abortions and of sexual abuse by my father. I looked up Medjugorge as soon as I got home and saw that it was for real. But I felt like I was made a fool of and have left unfinished business. I lost my way 32 years ago and saw a way to pick up the thread by staying at that program for the usual 10 days–or maybe longer. But they didn’t see it that way. I don’t like to think about how they looked at me, ive had other experiences lately telling me that I am getting “old and unattractive;” but I was a beautiful young woman when I landed in this city in Pennsylvania 32 years ago and I got destroyed. I was in the state hospital here for 2 years as a result.
Please pray for me for a resolution to these specific conflicts within the “big picture” of my life that I am trying to work out.