I apologize in advance for the length of this thread.
I was raised Catholic, but my parents were not very secure in their beliefs. My mother hasn't been to church in years, and my dad is decidedly not Catholic anymore. That being said, I had some moral guidance, but not a firm grounding.
I dated a guy for seven years, and after four of them, I gave in and lost my virginity to him. I had assumed that we were getting married as soon as we got out of college, and we even went looking for rings. Long story short, he was actually a terrible and abusive person, and we broke up.
I met my husband a few months later. He has never been baptized. I hadn't been to church or even very sure of my Catholic faith for a few years, so I had few qualms when sleeping with him before marriage. We lived together for two years, and it was a normal thing to do in my social circle.
When we decided to get married in the Catholic church, we started marriage classes. This lead to a reawakening in my faith. DH and I go to Mass every week now, and he is in the first year of RCIA. Though he's not 100% sure if he wants to convert, he at least wants to know what our kids will learn.
The end result is this - I felt very ashamed about my past once I had gone back to church. I confessed it once, but I did not feel absolution. It had been so long since I had been to confession and I was so shaky and unsure of the process that I felt like I screwed it up.
In our home life, I have a very hard time being sexually attracted to my husband, and I feel like at least part of it is my indiscretion in the past. I feel like all sex is wrong and I have a hard time not feeling guilty and ashamed when with my husband in that way. I'm seeing a therapist, but it doesn't really seem to help all that much.
I want to be able to enjoy my marriage and give my husband the connection that he deserves. Any and all advice that you have is welcomed.