She Broke Up Because of my Depression


#1

About a week ago, I was broken up with by a girl I really loved. She was Catholic and shared all of the same values as me when it came to family life (participating in NFP, raising children Catholic, etc.).

Things seemed to be going well, but last week, I woke up to a phone call, in which she was crying and telling me she had to break up. I asked what was wrong, and she told me I was stressing her out too much. I believe what she was referring to was that my depression was taking a toll on her mental health. Unfortunately, I’ve been through a lot of trauma at home (child neglect, abuse, etc.), so I would sometimes just onload that on her. Often times, when I was seeking for comfort, she would embrace what I said (she was very empathetic) and she would freak out and I would have to console her instead. I’m at home, as I’m going to leave for college, so this summer I just felt somewhat helpless and I would tell her about it.

However, I told her from the very beginning that I would seek professional help in the form of therapy once I got to school (fortunately, my school is paying for my medical insurance while I’m attending, so I can finally get help). I told her this during the break up call, and she said I should have improved a lot sooner. Maybe she was frustrated she wasn’t seeing results? I’m not sure.

Lately, I’ve been soul-searching and trying to figure this out. Oddly enough, this has been a tremendous period of growth as I’ve discovered that I’m just fine on my own, and I’ve been growing far closer to God than ever before. Mentally, I found prayer to be incredibly helpful as well as going on walks, working out, reading some C.S. Lewis, and listening to music. Also, I found a therapist through my Catholic Church, and talking it out and getting help has done tremendous good. Additionally, I’m serving food to the homeless so I can make good use of my time and help some people. Plus, it’s a pretty good distraction.

However, I don’t know if I want to get back together. I’m still praying about it. A good part of me misses her, and I think if we both continued to improve ourselves (I’m committed to getting better, as I see the brokeness in my home and my dad’s untreated depression, and I’ve decided I don’t want that), then I could see this maybe working out. That being said, she hasn’t communicated at all since the break up (not responding to any of my messages). I wanted to do a face to face talk, as I think a 30 minute phone call didn’t really do our 11 month relationship justice. If I did decide I wanted to get back together, how would I do that? How do I show improvement? Should I do that? I just wish she would communicate. I told her I don’t resent her, I’m praying for her, and I wanted to say goodbye before I left for school.

I’m hurting still, but I’m finding solidarity in Christ. I’m also glad that I have good outlets and great friends to help me through this thing.

If anyone has advice as to what I should do, that’d be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.


#2

You can’t force her to come back. She’s obviously not able to handle your situation. Let her go.


#3

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It sounds like you had great hopes for this relationship, and you didn’t see this breakup coming. You can’t force her to talk to you, but you already knew that.

You wrote a lot about the progress you’ve made, but it’s only been a week. Seems like you’ve been on overdrive. Give yourself a chance to heal. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with you either.

Good to pray! Lean on God who has wonderful plans for your life! I had breakups I was devastated, then later was grateful. However one breakup ended up getting back together in a marriage. Surrender to God, easier said than done, but He knows what’s best. Praying for you.


#6

Focus on school and getting the professional help you need. Facing, dealing with, and resolving your issues are what is important at this time. The amount your issues had inbreaking up is not clear or really certain.


#8

Thank you. Your response gives me some peace. I’m gonna be working on myself for now.


#9

Thank you for your advice and your prayers!


#10

Goodness, with that sort of insight and empathy, you should go into mental health! All of the people struggling with depression, trauma, etc will be delighted to hear that ridding themselves of their issues boils down to getting over it and pushing one’s feelings down.


#11

Since you are going to college, you most likely, won’t be able to Get married for years. So, do your studies, go to therapy, work on yourself! It really isn’t fair to get too serious now. If she’s planning her future, too, it’s likely that you can use some time apart.

Best of luck to you, and to her. If you are called to be together, trust God to let you find each other, once you are physically, emotionally, and financially ready to commit to each other!


#12

It doesn’t work that way…


#13

Don’t worry, he’s been giving inappropriate and bizarre answers all over the Forum. It’s over for him…


#14

Well you can’t force her to get back together with you. So if she really has her mind made up then you just have to move on.

To be honest, I can kinda understand where she’s coming from. I once broke up with a girl over her mental health issues. (That wasn’t the only reason but it was a factor).

Some people feel they couldn’t cope with a spouse who has these issues. There is a lot of unpredictability and it can be overwhelming.


#15

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