I have a very close friend who has a 20 year old daughter. In many ways I have been like a father to my friend’s daughter for over 10 years. (Her non-custodial father died about 6 years ago.) The daughter is living at home with her mother. But here is the problem. My friend’s daughter is now pregnant and her 18 year old boyfriend is, in my opinion, a lousy choice for a boyfriend. I strongly cautioned her over a year ago about this guy having heard from her some things he has said and done. He has no plans for any profession, he has had several other girlfriends at the same time (even telling my friend’s daughter to get used to it), he has been previously sent to jail, he does not go to church, he believes abortion is an option, he has threatened to physically harm my friend’s daughter, he does not have a car and manipulates his friends and girlfriends to give him cash, gifts, favors, and rides, he does not want to pay child support when the time comes, he has no inclination or intention to marry, he has a psycho sister that has been verbally abusive to my friend’s daughter, and I could go on about his parents and other siblings. Yet she answers to his every beckoning call, and continues to see him despite his abusive and manipulative behaviors. And when I try to bring up the subject, my friend’s daughter becomes defensive and argues about being an adult and able to make her own choices. A counselor has encouraged her mother and I to refrain from making comments that would put her defenses up, and that she may eventually come to accept that her choices have not been good ones though it may take many years for that to happen. But I am going nuts keeping quiet! I wanted her to come to her senses a year ago, but she’s only digging herself deeper into a lousy future. I care deeply for her and hate seeing her put herself through all this. I need some advice or encouragement from any others that have been through similar cirumstances.
Tough breaks friend-- a tough job you’re doing there, God bless you.
It’s easy to offer advice when you’re not suffering the pain in a personal way.
I try to remember that my children are not me, or my possessions. I have armed them as best I can and I will always be here to pick them up when they fall down. My message to them of love and stability is always consistant and I will always offer advice while trying not to be judgemental.
However, their choices cannot be my choices. There life is not my life to lead.
Be at peace. She’ll have to find her own way.
Love & prayers
As I read your post, I couldn’t help wondering if you were talking about my daughter.
I know EXACTLY where you are, only my daughter’s 28 with 2 kids. Different fathers. Sad isn’t it? We can see the roads our children are going and can’t do too much about it.
When my daughter met her last BF and her baby’s father,I told her the FIRST time I met him, even before I knew much about his back ground, that he was BAD news. She didn’t want to hear anything I said. Her agenda was to “prove me wrong” Fast forward to the present. After over 2 years of abuse of all kinds witnessed in part by her now 7 y/o daughter, a baby she probably doesn’t really “want”,this “oh but Mom I LOVE him” jerk of a boyfriend is in jail for multiple charges,B & E among them. I could curl your hair with the stories, but that would serve no purpose. I don’t have to tell you of the heartbreak. You probably already know what it’s like. So I suppose about the best I can do for you is the same thing I did/do for my daughter…pray.
God help you.
It is a very sad situation. You have taken a very noble role trying to be the father figure in her life when she so despretly needs one.
First of all do not blame yourself and think that you could have done more or prevented this. Sometimes we may blame yourself for the ill wills of others but remember you so far are doing a wonderful job.
My advice is to continue to do that wonderful job. Support her and love her as if she was your own because obviously she needs it now more then ever.
Life will throw many lessons in our path. She is learning some now. though we can not reverse time all you can do is help her and support her through this.
And just make sure if she does choose to keep the child (I know the Catholic way is anti-abortion, but we must sometimes remember that each person must do their own path, even if it conflicts with our beliefs) Make sure she can be the best mother she can be.
Hopefully, if you encourage her to develop her talents and interests and spiritual life, she’ll outgrow him.
Otherwise, even if she dumps him, she’ll just pick out another one just as bad or worse.
If you’ve all ready advised her that he is a jerk, don’t bring it up again. It’ll just drive her away.
I know this is very painful. I have a sister who makes poor life choices and picks such losers. Her current husband refuses to work, steals money from my 97 year old grandmother, and lies compulsively.
But, maybe he’s better than the ex who worked steadily, but was addicted to alcohol, pornography, and weed. And, used to beat her down constantly in conversation.
It’s so frustrating to watch. And it makes my heart ache. She deserves better.
This is just a suggestion, but when my now fiance and I first started dating, we took a FOCCUS (google it) question thingey. Maybe the girl’s mom could suggest it. It might be an eye-opener for the girl with the added bonus of coming from an objective opinion.
The mom could say something like this:
“Honey, I know you love X so much, but I just can’t see that you two have enough in common to make this relationship work.”
“Mom, I’ve told you–we love each other–and we both mean so much to each other. We tell each other everything.”
“Well, I still have my doubts, dear. If you guys could just prove that to me, I’d feel so much better.”
“I wish we could…you just don’t want to hear it.”
“I heard about this inventory thing for couples, baby. It’s this survey that couples take to determine their compatibility–I’d just feel so much better if ya’ll took it and I’d have an objective proof that this is going to work out.”
It’s probably a long shot–but if you could convince the girl to do it, her bf’s responses just might open her eyes.