Should a gay man marry?


#1

Hello,

I'm a gay Catholic who's 100% faithful to the Magisterium and 100% chaste. Recently I've been thinking a lot about marriage and family life and part of me feels as if I'm actually being called to it, but given my orientation I'm a bit hesitant to start dating.

What do you think?


#2

[quote="InManusTuas, post:1, topic:208842"]
Hello,

I'm a gay Catholic who's 100% faithful to the Magisterium and 100% chaste. Recently I've been thinking a lot about marriage and family life and part of me feels as if I'm actually being called to it, but given my orientation I'm a bit hesitant to start dating.

What do you think?

[/quote]

I think that if you find a lady to whom you desire to give your whole self to, then it is possible. Marriage is sooooooooooo serious it should not be considered lightly by anyone. It's a lifetime commitment and means forsaking all others. Anything less than that is unfair to your spouse and makes a mockery of the sacrament.


#3

I'm just mostly concerned with the "marital act" bit.

Though I consider myself completely gay (as in my physical orientation is toward people of my own sex), I've had a few very strong crushes on women. Naturally none of these crushes were physical in nature, but they were nonetheless far more than simple admiration. I actually dreamed about being with them, I always wanted to be in their company, and I actually got jealous when I'd see them flirt with guys. So I'm certain I'd be able to "give my all" to a woman I cared about, and I'm fairly certain that I'm capable of loving a woman, and I do think I'd make a decent husband and father. My problem is in making love to a woman. I've never tried, and doing so outside the bonds of Holy Matrimony is a sin so I can't know if I'm able to perform the conjugal act until I actually say "I Do", after which point there's no turning back. Furthermore, even if I'm capable of performing the marital act, is it really fair to her if I'm not "enjoying" it on the same level that she is? I have a feeling that if I were to embrace a woman maritally that the act would seem almost mechanical to me.

So what should I do?


#4

The bit I'm concerned about is the marital act.

I consider myself pretty gay. That is, I've never been physically attracted to women. I have, however, had a few crushes on women, and these were far more intense than mere admiration for them. I'd actually go as far to say that I've been in love with two women in my life. These two women I'd think about all the time, I enjoyed their company so much that I never wanted to part from them, one of whom I actually considered proposing to previously. These crushes were so strong that I would even get jealous when I'd see them flirt with other men. I never did anything about this crushes because... well, they knew me as a gay man and I was just their "girlfriend", so to speak. No matter the case, I still wasn't physically attracted to them.

Now I have no way of knowing if I could even complete the marital act given that I've never found myself lusting after a woman. Not even once. And trying to do so would be sinful so naturally I have no way of knowing if I'd be able to "perform" until I say "I do", after which there's no turning back.

I'm most concerned for her own feelings. Even if I found myself capable of completing the marital act, it would likely seem so mechanical to me as to maybe be unfair to her. Would it be fair to a woman to have her husband not desire after her in the physical sense that other women's husbands desire after them? Would it be fair to her if I didn't "enjoy" the act in the same way that others do?

Most importantly, would the Church even marry me under such conditions, or am I canonically forbidden to marry, given my orientation?


#5

I think it would be very unfair and wrong to marry a woman you would not be “completly” married to in every sense of the word. I have a friend who that happened to, and she and the kids ended up hurt and had to go to therapy. Other people in the town found out and the gossip was all over the place (you know how people can be). The wife and kids were the last to know. It was a real horrible experience for them. Please don’t do that to someone.
Why don’t you look into adopting an older child ( like 5 and up)? Those children have a very hard time getting adopted, so you would be doing a wonderful thing. You would have your family, and someone to love and take care of. You sound like a very stable man,and you would be a good dad. Not everyone is destined to get married, but if you truly want a family, these kids would love to have a family too. They just want to belong to someone, and it sounds like you do too. Good luck and God bless you.


#6

I believe it would be a bad idea for this reason…
There is debate over whether there is a genetic component to homosexuality. If this turns out to be correct, then if a homosexual marries and has children there is potential for that genetic “flaw” to be passed on. Would you want your children to have to deal with this issue??

Others may disagree with me on this which is fine - but I thought I’d mention it for your consideration.

Peace
James


#7

[quote="InManusTuas, post:1, topic:208842"]
Hello,

I'm a gay Catholic who's 100% faithful to the Magisterium and 100% chaste. Recently I've been thinking a lot about marriage and family life and part of me feels as if I'm actually being called to it, but given my orientation I'm a bit hesitant to start dating.

What do you think?

[/quote]

Hello InManusTuas,

I'll be praying that Our Lord will guide you in the way that is right for you. All I can suggest is, do talk to a priest about your situation.

God bless you
zdon


#8

That being the case, then I would have to agree with the others here and say that it would be unfair of you to commit to a marriage wherein you could not desire (or want) a physical relationship with your spouse. What you have described above can be called a loving friendship and is a wonderful thing. Why consider marriage if everything you have described (friendship) is being fulfilled already? It’s certainly not a sin for a man to be friends with a woman. Take care and God bless.


#9

I don't believe that there is anything canonically forbidding you to marry, so long as you're able to consummate the marriage. I'd be very surprised if there were.

One next obvious step to determine if marriage is right for you is to start dating. Many Catholic women wouldn't date a gay man, but some would give it a shot, I'm sure. Dating is difficult and often heartbreaking even with heterosexual couples. With the extra complication of your sexuality, it would likely be even more difficult. But if you know that going in, you'll be prepared.

Maybe a Catholic dating site would be a good idea. There you could explain your situation on your page and get it out right in the open. Hopefully then you'd get a woman who's interested in you and also knows what she's getting into but willing to take a chance at it.

Frankly, I'd be surprised if you weren't able to have sex with your wife. It seems like the male sex drive is powerful enough to overcome a lack of preference for women (although I'm sure it varies depending on the man). But whether or not the mere ability to have sex is enough is something that you and any prospective wife would have to discuss. Maybe the two of you would both be happy sacrificing a little passion for good overall compatibility. Of course, there'd have to be good communication about all this before you tied the knot.

At any rate, keep praying about it and trust that God will lead you in the right direction.


#10

You should never marry. My aunt had the misfortune of a marrying a man with deep seated homosexual tendencies and the trauma of her marriage left her with depression and low self-esteem.

Everyone thought they had a great marriage, and in lots of ways, they did. They were great friends and they always seemed content. We were shocked when they divorced, but then we found out that there were real issues with intimacy. Her husband refused to have relations with her, and even stopped sleeping in the marriage bed. My aunt believed she was the reason for the problems; she felt unloved, unattractive and absolutely worthless. She blamed herself for the problems in her marriage and she though that something was wrong with her. After all, why didn't her husband want her?

After the divorce, she found out about her husband's problems with same sex attraction. He should never have married my aunt. He selfishly thought he could hide his sexuality behind marriage. He should have thought about the damage he would cause his spouse. She did not deserve a sham marriage.

Please think long and hard before you marry a woman and potentially ruin her life.


#11

If marriage were simply a matter of falling in love and having babies, then it would be easy to respond to the OP: InManusTuas (IMT) falls in love with women and, so far as anyone knows, is capable of begetting children, so marriage should be OK for him. But looking at reality instead of an oversimplified model, it's more difficult than that since there are many reasons to get married and there are many ways of making a marriage work. For instance, some people become madly attracted to each other and rush into marriage; others are driven to each other simply by the fear of being alone for the rest of their lives; still others become spiritual friends and slowly come to realize that marriage would be good for them. With all these motives and with all the different kinds of personalities people have, it's clear that marriage is enormously complex, and there's no guarantee that any marriage will be particularly happy.

Now, how does this link up with the OP? Well, first, since there are so many different flavors of marriage, it is conceivable that there is a woman out there with whom IMT could share his life happily. But, second, some of the reasons for getting hitched are simply bad. For example, the case of two people who get married simply not to be alone is, on the surface at least, an pretty unworthy motive. So it's important that IMT get clear on his intentions in seeking marriage. Finally, it is simply a fact that a large majority of mixed-orientation marriages are totally unsuccessful (i.e., end in separation or divorce).

In the end, my advice would be to find a spiritual director and a therapist to talk this out with. (Shrinks aren't just for the mentally ill: they can help people make more objective decisions by informing them of the science that bears on their choices and getting them to talk about their hidden motives.) A little research might also be helpful, so google "mixed orientation marriage" and see what comes up.

Anyway, I hope this rambling post is moderately helpful. Peace.


#12

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