Should adultery be revealed to a spouse?


#1

If someone commits adultery should they, after going to confessing, tell their spouse?


#2

If it’s over, and repented of, why hurt the spouse needlessly now?


#3

Telling the spouse is an incredibly self act. “My feelings of a clear conscience are more important than not hurting you.”

Bah.


#4

From someone that’s been on the recieving end of that bit of information - No. As long as it is over and done with.


#5

[quote=gavin52]If someone commits adultery should they, after going to confessing, tell their spouse?
[/quote]

Of course they should, because obviously there is miscommunication between them and someone is not getting what they need from the other. IF this is not revealed and fixed, the problem will continue.
The offended spouse has a right to be angry, but due to thier christian faith, and sacramental vows, they are OBLIGATED to forgive and work things out/figure out why it happened.

I my wife were to cheat on my, i would be hurt, but my first reaction would be to find out what I’m not giving her that she needed from me, and am I so unreachable, that she had to get it elsewhere. …lots of factors…


#6

My belief is that it should be revealed. Especially if asked. To keep it hidden is being deceitful and dishonest. It’s a lie and the father of all lies is Satan. Part of marriage is being honest with your spouse and it’s not conditional honesty. It must be total honesty. Even though it would hurt to be honest in this situation is must be done so that the couple can address the issue and do what is needed to fix it. If it’s not addressed the conditions that led to the unfaithfulness may still exist which could lead to futher unfaithfulness in the future. Satan would want nothing more than for the unfaithful spouse to lie about it. You’d be playing into his trap.


#7

[quote=gavin52]My belief is that it should be revealed. Especially if asked.

If it’s not addressed the conditions that led to the unfaithfulness may still exist which could lead to futher unfaithfulness in the future. Satan would want nothing more than for the unfaithful spouse to lie about it. You’d be playing into his trap.
[/quote]

I think the real issue is whether the other spouse suspects or asks the question. If so then no don’t lie. But revealing this information gratuitously does not IMO help in any way other than perhaps throwing the unfaithful spouse’s burden on the poor victim. This is based on the assumption that the unfaithful spouse HAS confessed, had agreed not to sin again and is addressing whatever led to the infidelity in the first place.

Lisa N


#8

I think it should be revealed for health reasons. If a spouse somehow ends up with a STD, they’re going to wonder where it came from. My mom stopped marital relations with my father after she discovered his infidelity. I don’t blame her, she didn’t know who those women were.


#9

I’m sure there is something official regarding this because I’m sure it has been asked of the Church. Anyone know? I’ve yet to see anything requiring confession (in the general sense) to anyone other than a priest.

Scott


#10

[quote=StratusRose]I think it should be revealed for health reasons. If a spouse somehow ends up with a STD, they’re going to wonder where it came from. My mom stopped marital relations with my father after she discovered his infidelity. I don’t blame her, she didn’t know who those women were.
[/quote]

Obviously but again if the unfaithful spouse gets testing and is clean then maybe not necessary. I just see this as creating more problems than it solves. And no I’m not hiding anything, I’ve just listened to Dr Laura too many years. She is a real believer in not saying things that will not HELP the relationship. I think she is right.

Lisa N


#11

*Of course there are always exceptions, but in most cases, it should not be revealed. Confession and atonement, yes, but why put your spouse in the position of having to forgive :tsktsk: *

  • :amen: *
    Shannin

#12

[quote=Lisa N]I think the real issue is whether the other spouse suspects or asks the question.
Lisa N
[/quote]

Plenty of pro’s and con’s both ways. However, what if the non-offending spouse finds out weeks/months/years down the road of the affair. People do talk, and to have a land mind out there waiting to go off may sway to early defusing (disclosure).


#13

It depends on a few factors and some was already addressed here like STD, suspicious, and continueing affairs. In this case, the adultery has to be revealed. But for a one time and the sinner has repented, it’s should be kept secret. Telling a spouse wouldn’t help but only worsen it. No matter if they say they’d forgive, but the wound will always be there and it will hurt them, it’s like a crack in a china cup…it can never be mended. Let the sinner feels remorse and do penance. Only God knows.

If the faithful spouse found out one day…well, tough luck! Hopefully, if the unfaithful spouse been doing some penance, it’d go easy on him/her!


#14

[quote=felra]Plenty of pro’s and con’s both ways. However, what if the non-offending spouse finds out weeks/months/years down the road of the affair. People do talk, and to have a land mind out there waiting to go off may sway to early defusing (disclosure).
[/quote]

Having been a witness to this happening…yes, it should be revealed. The longer it’s hidden the worst it becomes if it’s discovered by “accident” later. In the incident I witnessed, the husband stumbled upon an incident in which his wife slept with someone else early in their relationship. Besides being tremendously hurt, her husband now has a very different view of their years together in marriage. And how does he know it was the only incident? If she told him after it happened she would not have only been honest but also showed him that she can’t do something like that and keep it hidden.


#15

[quote=felra]Plenty of pro’s and con’s both ways. However, what if the non-offending spouse finds out weeks/months/years down the road of the affair. People do talk, and to have a land mind out there waiting to go off may sway to early defusing (disclosure)./QUOTE

Very good point. I think each situation should be dealt with individually. I know that in my case, after I found out about my ex-husband’s adultery, I was put in the position of having to forgive 2 people and it was so hard to do.

:blessyou:
Shannin
[/quote]


#16

[quote=WindyFire12]Having been a witness to this happening…yes, it should be revealed. The longer it’s hidden the worst it becomes if it’s discovered by “accident” later. In the incident I witnessed, the husband stumbled upon an incident in which his wife slept with someone else early in their relationship. Besides being tremendously hurt, her husband now has a very different view of their years together in marriage. And how does he know it was the only incident? If she told him after it happened she would not have only been honest but also showed him that she can’t do something like that and keep it hidden.
[/quote]

Welcome to the CA forum WindyFire12! :tiphat:


#17

There’s really no black or white to this problem. It depends on each case, like how likely will the faithful spouse find out. If too many people know or what kind of people know about the adultery, best is to reveal it. If the adultery was committed on a business trip in a foreign country, best to let it rest. But if done for honesty sake, that can be a risk to a relationship. Not all spouses can handle the unfaithfullness.


#18

The spouse might secretly resent you over time.


#19

[quote=cathgal]There’s really no black or white to this problem. It depends on each case, like how likely will the faithful spouse find out. If too many people know or what kind of people know about the adultery, best is to reveal it. If the adultery was committed on a business trip in a foreign country, best to let it rest. But if done for honesty sake, that can be a risk to a relationship. Not all spouses can handle the unfaithfullness.
[/quote]

Kind of my point. If you are carrying on a torrid affair in small town or with your next door neighbor the chances of the faithful spouse learning inadvertently are high. If it is very unlikely he/she will ever learn of the affair I just don’t think it helps the relationship, again IF the unfaithful spouse has truly repented and will not engage in this behavior again
Lisa


#20

I am on the fence on this one. Not between “yes” and “no” but between whether or not it should be revealed without being asked or -only- if asked. I think you risk too if you attempt to “hide” it and it comes out later when you least expect it. The damage to the marriage would be much worst. So in that case I think you should tell your spouse. On the other hand, what if your spouse simply does not want to know? Why make them suffer when they don’t want to? One thing is clear in my mind though, if you’re asked you’re obligated to tell the truth. You made that promise in your vows.


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