Should I allow friend to move in to my home?


#1

I am 63. My friend is 75. I will call her DF. She is currently in a rehab center. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. She went into the hospital complaining that she could not breathe. She is out of shape and is depressed.

She has a 40-year-old daughter who is basically lazy. The daughter is married with one 12-year-old son. They live in A small apartment. So there is no room for the mother.

DF lives in a townhouse that she more or less owns.

She wants to move in with me. She says it is only temporary. My fear is that once she is in my house she will not leave. Originally she said it is because she is lonely at her house. And then she tries to claim that she needs help because she Cannot do things for herself.

I have known her for over 20 years. I have been good to her in the past with helping her out financially and occasionally calling her up and taking her out to dinner.

She is a sad soul, but she has a life that she created for herself.

Do I allow her to move in?

If she moved in Our next goal would be to get her into an affordable senior living apartment.

I don’t really see where this is my responsibility, it should be her daughters and her son who lives out of state.

I have not mentioned the situation to any of my family members. I’m sure they would tell me don’t do it.

I would appreciate any comments or input I could get from the people on this board. Thank you.


#2

Say, “I’m sorry that’s not possible.” And do not waver. This person does not sound like a person that you should extend an invitation to live in your home. Moreover, it may be difficult to get this person out once in. Especially depending upon tenant laws where you live. You create some defacto rights for this person by admitting them to your home. So no living with you without a written contract. But I advise no living with you at all.

She sounds like a BAD IDEA.

No.


#3

I agree with 1KE and I think you do too or you wouldn’t be posting here. If your friend owns a townhouse, needs company, and could use financial help, she should look into getting a roommate. Perhaps you could offer to help her screen potential roommates.


#4

No, you don’t need to take this on. Maybe you could help her look for some in-home help for when she returns to her townhome – just check out a few agencies, something like that?


#5

I think you answered your own question.
63 is not an age to start a career in home health care, unpaid. You can help her out by visiting her, helping her find appropriate living quarters, and, if you can truly afford it, occasional financial help. So, her daughter is lazy? Well, I’ve seen some ‘lazy’ people rise to the occasion, and really do well.

In any case, you have no obligations here. She’s not destitute. She has family. If not everything is ideal, well, whose life is? Just keep being a friend to her.


#6

Thanks for the feedback. I was feeling guilty because of the Bible verse , “when I was hungry…,etc”.

I feel it is unchristian to say no.


#7

The Christian thing to do, is to do what’s best for all involved. It doesn’t sound like having her move in with you is that solution.


#8

If Christian charity requires you to help her by being a live-in companion, then you move in with her. When the time comes to leave, you leave. If the daughter visits and drives you crazy, you go home and water your plants until she’s gone.

If Christian charity doesn’t require you to move in with her, then don’t. The Beatitudes did not say, after all, “When I was ill or in prison, you moved in with me.” If she’s lonely, do visit. Do not give her the near occasion of sin of inviting her to take advantage of you by offering help she does not need and that common sense says she could easily mis-use.


#9

God bless you for being a concerned friend and coming here to ask about your friend! I think if the situation were REALLY temporary, that you might even be open to it. I don’t know that for sure, just based on how you are writing about your friendship. If a friend were to ask you for help living with you for 1-3 weeks you seem like the kind of person that would be open to the idea.

However, it is the fact that this is permanent that you have misgivings and you should! Her original reason was that she is lonely, how on earth is that going to change? Is her loneliness going to suddenly vanish?

I’d be upset if I were you actually, because she is being dishonest. I don’t think she has any intention of moving out once she moves in, and that she is being manipulative hoping you will feel guilty and say yes, just my two cents.


#10

Have you contacted her son? Do you know what the situation is there?


#11

If you’re questioning whether or not it’s a bad idea, IT’S A BAD IDEA. Her children must help her.


#12

Absolutely not!


#13

OP,
I’m wondering why you were even considering having this woman move in with you. Does she know how to ‘push your buttons’? If what she wants is to guilt you into this, well, I’d question your calling her a friend at all!

You said that you have already helped her out, even financially! Does she ever change stories? Such as ‘being lonely’ may have escalated to ‘having a lazy daughter’ who she could not possibly live with. I wouldn’t trust her on trying right away, to get into senior housing.

I’m trying not to be harsh, but all on this forum seem to agree…it’s a bad idea! You can still be a friend to her, taking her shopping, out to dinner, and helping her to find a decent, affordable, senior housing facility. You are not required to give up your own privacy, so she can have what she wants.

You have been generous, and, can keep on being so. Is she asking about moving in all the time? If so, you should calmly tell her that, while you want the best for her, moving in with you is not an option, and you won’t discuss it anymore. You may even have to cut back on the time you spend with her.

This is obviously something you feel strongly about. Please…don’t let her play the ‘guilt’ card.


#14

This…a million times this. You could be setting yourself up for a real nightmare. If she decides not to leave, getting rid of her could be very costly and time-consuming. Help her as much or as little as your conscience dictates, but unless you are willing to have her stay until she dies, DO NOT allow her to move in.


#15

Thank you all for your input; it has made this ordeal a lot easier to deal with.


#16

I’m thinking that if she’s in a rehab. center, they may do a screening to see what her living arrangements already are, like if she is able to take care of herself and live on her own.

To me, this would be a good time to bring all of this up, and then ask her about it if someone asked her there, like if someone approached her from the staff to ask her about her home living arrangements.

I don’t think that it’s a good idea to have her stay with you.

I think that it’s better to have this arranged–or at least start looking at it–while she’s still in rehab.


#17

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