Should I approach the Mother on this? Suggestions for books?


#1

What are the risks and benefits of young heterosexual girls, age 11.5 and almost 14, becoming close to, and beginning to spend extended summer visit times, e.g. 1 week, with a homosexual man, who is a friend of the family? He's apparently fun, lives in a big house, and they love his town, which also has a gay community.

To my knowledge, almost all of their primary role models are single-parent families, their own included. And they've said in the past that they never wanted to marry, but wanted to live alone as grown ups. As they become closer to this gentleman, they will, I imagine, be increasingly exposed to his social network, partnerships, and lifeway as an influence in their development and relationship futures. Is this something I should be concerned about? Should I raise my concern to their mother? If so, how best to do so? While she's a very astute, somewhat liberal non-Catholic Christian, and oriented to diversity, I think this is a blind spot for her.

This is not a judgement of the fellow. It's a matter of exposure to role models and identifying with people that will or will not quip the kids for healthy heterosexual relationships, which will hopefully attract them to and equip them for marriage and family life.

Are there any credible books or articles that you can recommend on child development about how girls develop the personality and identity for meaningful heterosexual relationships and family life as an adult, and what they need to do so? I remember hearing a program on EWTN in which a psychologist spoke about child development and family influences that influence their future significant relationships, but I can't remember who it was or exactly what she said about it.

Many thanks for your suggestions and thoughts.


#2

no benefits,all risk. what is your relation to the mother? will she be agreeable to views contrary to hers?


#3

Benefits and risks depend on the person. There is no way to tell from the information given. Does he encourage and help the girls develop interests? Such as, do they love horses and he owns several and plans to teach them to ride? Are the girls interested in art and he's an artist?

Every summer my nieces spend a few weeks with a gay family friend. He has so far gotten my niece with Aspergers to love technology. Because of him she's quite the little HTML coder. My oldest niece (13) is a vegetarian. He taught her to cook. The other has serious behavioral and self esteem issues, for which he's worked wonders. And the youngest is too young to really do anything but adore him.

When I was a young girl I was sent to stay with family friends for several weeks at a time. Most were single, a few married, but it was very beneficial to me to be exposed to different people and environments that I wasn't at home. And I was able to learn things my mom couldn't teach.

Assuming the man is mature and acts appropriately I see no issues.

And furthermore, since the mother is ok with it and you are obviously not the girls' dad, it is none of your business.


#4

I see no benefit. Sorry. And I don't mean to be snide...but recommend the catechism or Bible.


#5

I would be uncomfortable to allow 2 girls that age spend a week with an unmarried man whether he was gay or not. If the mom is not there, there is no one to watch what they do, who is coming into the home and their activities. I am not sure what the advantage here is but to give the mom a break for a week? No matter how nice he is and how good he may be with kids there are too many risks here. It may sound safe because he is gay but you do not know who else is coming a going in the home and since you said this is in a more homosexual area you can't be sure if there are lesbian females around or who may be his friends with. Our children are too precious and it has been in these types of situation where single parents let their kids go with so called friends and those children end up abused. That is how Jerry Sandusky operated. There are many ways to help single parents get breaks but this is really unwise and alarm bells are going off.


#6

So, this is some random man the mother decides to send her daughters to?

And his homosexual circle of friends, We're talking openingly showing their sexuality, (which I'd have a problem with straight people too) PDA's. Gay parades? Bars? Cross dressing events?

This man has a live in partner?

Who are you to this woman? Her children?


#7

[quote="faithfully, post:6, topic:292743"]
So, this is some random man the mother decides to send her daughters to? From what he said this is not a random man, but a friend of the family.

And his homosexual circle of friends, We're talking openingly showing their sexuality, (which I'd have a problem with straight people too) PDA's. Gay parades? Bars? Cross dressing events? The OP didn't say anything about being around the man's friends, just that he's assuming they will. Which I would doubt. Most people who take in kids for a week or two at a time don't see any reason to bring their friends around.

This man has a live in partner? Since it wasn't mentioned in the OP I doubt it.

Who are you to this woman? Her children?

[/quote]

A lot of assumptions are being made about this man because of his sexuality. We know nothing of him other than the fact that he's gay, has a big house, and is fun.


#8

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:7, topic:292743"]
A lot of assumptions are being made about this man because of his sexuality. We know nothing of him other than the fact that he's gay, has a big house, and is fun.

[/quote]

Anything other than pale pink please... I can't read that at all...

But I do agree that many assumptions are beng made here... by someone who doesn't define his (joseph) role in their life. Or I've missed that.


#9

[quote="faithfully, post:8, topic:292743"]
Anything other than pale pink please... I can't read that at all...

But I do agree that many assumptions are beng made here... by someone who doesn't define his (joseph) role in their life. Or I've missed that.

[/quote]

I'm so sorry about the pink. I'm on my phone and I didn't realize that the pink would be that pale. Try highlighting it. But basically I said that there is no reason to assume he would behave inappropriately. The OP said that it was a family friend, not a random guy. Most adults who have kids spend time with them don't see a reason to bring their friends around and such. And I think a live in partner would have been mentioned in the OP.


#10

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:7, topic:292743"]
A lot of assumptions are being made about this man because of his sexuality. We know nothing of him other than the fact that he's gay, has a big house, and is fun.

[/quote]

I did say it is unwise to let girls this age go off with an unmarried man for a week, gay or not.
That is true with boys as well. In this day and age with all these problems with child abuse, to let your children spend a week with someone who may seem like a friend and has a big house and is fun with no parent around and no control of what might go on is risky and dangerous. I would also feel the same way if this person was a women gay or not. What is an single man doing with other people's children in their home for a week? Not a good idea at all. And it might not be the concern over sex. There could be problems with drugs and alcohol here as well. Since there is no parent around and this guy is "fun" who knows what can happen and what they will be doing since he is "fun".


#11

[quote="robwar, post:10, topic:292743"]
I did say it is unwise to let girls this age go off with an unmarried man for a week, gay or not.
That is true with boys as well. In this day and age with all these problems with child abuse, to let your children spend a week with someone who may seem like a friend and has a big house and is fun with no parent around and no control of what might go on is risky and dangerous. I would also feel the same way if this person was a women gay or not. What is an single man doing with other people's children in their home for a week? Not a good idea at all. And it might not be the concern over sex. There could be problems with drugs and alcohol here as well. Since there is no parent around and this guy is "fun" who knows what can happen and what they will be doing since he is "fun".

[/quote]

As someone who was raised by a single mom I find this sad. My mother's male friends made a huge impact on me growing up. One was a college professor. He made me the deal that for every "chapter book" I read he would buy me two more. One that I got to pick and one that he would pick for me. He said that even if I never read his choices it was good to have the option. Another was a distant cousin. He owned tons of horses and taught me how to ride and take care of them. Another saw me wearing too much makeup when I was about 11 and had a talk with me that I really needed, but had no father to give it. He talked to me about natural beauty, what messages I was sending boys, and what I deserved to be valued for. The next day he took me to the makeup counter at the mall for a more natural and age appropriate makeover. Another taught me about fine cheeses and how to play chess, which was a really cool experience for a 12 year old girl.

These are just a few examples of men who made a difference in my life during the important developmental years. My mom didn't hand me off to strangers on a whim. She knew these men, spent lots of time with them, and supervised them around me for a long time before any overnight visits were allowed. She also starting teaching me early on about good touching, bad touching, anatomical words for private parts, and what to do if someone makes me uncomfortable. She continued these talks until I went to college. What did these adult and sometimes unmarried men want with a young girl? Probably just to make a difference in her life.

In an age where so many grow up without fathers its important that other men are willing to step up and be there for kids, while giving them some life experience and knowledge at the same time. Men and women are so different, and as wonderful as my mother was she could never be a man.

I don't like how our society tends to view men who have a talent with kids as a threat. Yes, there are a few evil men (and women) out there who would hurt children. But by and large men are good, and time spent with them is valuable and important.

I think that we need more male daycare workers, teachers, and nurses, especially in children's wards. I don't like how we scare good and loving men away from those positions with so much suspicion and hostility.


#12

[quote="Joseph, post:1, topic:292743"]
What are the risks and benefits of young heterosexual girls, age 11.5 and almost 14, becoming close to, and beginning to spend extended summer visit times, e.g. 1 week, with a homosexual man, who is a friend of the family? He's apparently fun, lives in a big house, and they love his town, which also has a gay community.

To my knowledge, almost all of their primary role models are single-parent families, their own included. And they've said in the past that they never wanted to marry, but wanted to live alone as grown ups. As they become closer to this gentleman, they will, I imagine, be increasingly exposed to his social network, partnerships, and lifeway as an influence in their development and relationship futures. Is this something I should be concerned about? Should I raise my concern to their mother? If so, how best to do so? While she's a very astute, somewhat liberal non-Catholic Christian, and oriented to diversity, I think this is a blind spot for her.

This is not a judgement of the fellow. It's a matter of exposure to role models and identifying with people that will or will not quip the kids for healthy heterosexual relationships, which will hopefully attract them to and equip them for marriage and family life.

Are there any credible books or articles that you can recommend on child development about how girls develop the personality and identity for meaningful heterosexual relationships and family life as an adult, and what they need to do so? I remember hearing a program on EWTN in which a psychologist spoke about child development and family influences that influence their future significant relationships, but I can't remember who it was or exactly what she said about it.

Many thanks for your suggestions and thoughts.

[/quote]

Whose kids are they? Why aren't they with their parents?


#13

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:11, topic:292743"]
I think that we need more male daycare workers, teachers, and nurses, especially in children's wards. I don't like how we scare good and loving men away from those positions with so much suspicion and hostility.

[/quote]

I think we need more fathers. Fathers that take an interest in their child's life. Fathers that are married to their children's mother.

My question to the OP is, where is Dad?


#14

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:3, topic:292743"]
Benefits and risks depend on the person. There is no way to tell from the information given. Does he encourage and help the girls develop interests? Such as, do they love horses and he owns several and plans to teach them to ride? Are the girls interested in art and he's an artist?

Every summer my nieces spend a few weeks with a gay family friend. He has so far gotten my niece with Aspergers to love technology. Because of him she's quite the little HTML coder. My oldest niece (13) is a vegetarian. He taught her to cook. The other has serious behavioral and self esteem issues, for which he's worked wonders. And the youngest is too young to really do anything but adore him.

When I was a young girl I was sent to stay with family friends for several weeks at a time. Most were single, a few married, but it was very beneficial to me to be exposed to different people and environments that I wasn't at home. And I was able to learn things my mom couldn't teach.

Assuming the man is mature and acts appropriately I see no issues.

And furthermore, since the mother is ok with it and you are obviously not the girls' dad, it is none of your business.

[/quote]

It is everyone's business when someone's soul is potentially on the line.


#15

[quote="Rhuarc, post:14, topic:292743"]
It is everyone's business when someone's soul is potentially on the line.

[/quote]

The OP asked. Therefore it's okay to offer an opinion.

Whose kids are they? Where are the parents?


#16

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:11, topic:292743"]
As someone who was raised by a single mom I find this sad. My mother's male friends made a huge impact on me growing up. One was a college professor. He made me the deal that for every "chapter book" I read he would buy me two more. One that I got to pick and one that he would pick for me. He said that even if I never read his choices it was good to have the option. Another was a distant cousin. He owned tons of horses and taught me how to ride and take care of them. Another saw me wearing too much makeup when I was about 11 and had a talk with me that I really needed, but had no father to give it. He talked to me about natural beauty, what messages I was sending boys, and what I deserved to be valued for. The next day he took me to the makeup counter at the mall for a more natural and age appropriate makeover. Another taught me about fine cheeses and how to play chess, which was a really cool experience for a 12 year old girl.

These are just a few examples of men who made a difference in my life during the important developmental years. My mom didn't hand me off to strangers on a whim. She knew these men, spent lots of time with them, and supervised them around me for a long time before any overnight visits were allowed. She also starting teaching me early on about good touching, bad touching, anatomical words for private parts, and what to do if someone makes me uncomfortable. She continued these talks until I went to college. What did these adult and sometimes unmarried men want with a young girl? Probably just to make a difference in her life.

In an age where so many grow up without fathers its important that other men are willing to step up and be there for kids, while giving them some life experience and knowledge at the same time. Men and women are so different, and as wonderful as my mother was she could never be a man.

I don't like how our society tends to view men who have a talent with kids as a threat. Yes, there are a few evil men (and women) out there who would hurt children. But by and large men are good, and time spent with them is valuable and important.

I think that we need more male daycare workers, teachers, and nurses, especially in children's wards. I don't like how we scare good and loving men away from those positions with so much suspicion and hostility.

[/quote]

with all due respect, you have been very fortunate in your life. Yes, it is tough to be a single parent, get a break to get away and have good mentors for your children. But as the question was asked and presented, there are many red flags here and more often these types of situations lead to some kind life long scars for the children. I am sure that is what the single parents thought of Jerry Sandusky. Yes it is sad to view others this way but it is better to err on the cautious side than to have your child scared for life. Since the priest sex scandals, at least in my archdiocese, anyone who works with children in Catholic churches and schools must attend a seminar called "protecting God's children". This 2 hour seminar talks about these types of situations and NOT allowing our children to go off and become involved with seemingly well meaning adults along. Yes there are too many children that need good mentors of the opposite sex, but that is different than letting your young daughters spend a week alone with a single male adult. There are many ways to have good mentors for children missing a parent but this situation as presented does not sound like it. That may seem close minded based on your life experiences but there are too many out there with life long scars that would say otherwise.


#17

If I had a daughter this age and could not convince the mother that this was a bad idea in whatever way which I understood best worked for her specific personality to “GET IT”…

I would go over to this Homosexuals residence and explain to him why I would be a different person if such a thing occurred. In that nice discussion I would have all kinds of prof data which speaks about the activities and mental fixations of what the health feild including psychiatric has come to know over the years.

I have zero idea what an effective approach would be on this women and to be honest if this is a true story and that is how she is…your best bet is with money, a bribe. Anyone this stupid can be bribed and usually only is motivated, with same one way or another.

I would definitely look at this from a man to man issue…( forget the women on this man…its time for action…No Homosexual is allowed to lure a youngster into their home …male or female…There must be what I call…

RULES IN LIFE THAT NO ONE PERSON MADE UP

I’m sorry , truly I cannot go over to this freaks house with you and explain to him what caring about loved ones mean including all ages and rotten environmentals which real friends dis-allow each other from. Rather then go through things, well known things that would be crude I will say the following from the following sources…

Brother…head of dept chemistry worked on aids for a few years, still has some things going and is fully aware of homosexual practice’s and lifestyles…which he has explained to my horrifying knowledge…

Above older brothers son who just became a Doctor and some reasons for his choice in working hospital

Sister and Husband …Civilian cop worker and Seargent who have worked in gay area’s and know whats really going onj with these people…not the junk you read in the newspaper …the real story
Friend from high school who worked under cover in a gay district…and knows and has told me stories which includes health care that no one here could barely believe.

Im sorry but I would take someone with me and tell that someone not to say ONE WORD
throughout the chat…thats how this is done…not a threat, it is deeper and don’t have time to explain…This mother is a hopeless cause.If he lives out of town there is still a way.
Now remarkably the visit may not have an issue, things might go ok other then a little brainwashing by the guy which YOU KNOW will happen…but this is not the point…the adult here is trying to establish and put into a higher recognizablr form the relationship with the youngster…this is VERY WRONG…The homosexual is a crafty sly planner and fully knows what the word FUTURE means…PS if you think that these people have morals with regards to sex…think again…its all about non moral…there is no restrictions on where to put it…do people not get this…The comment to society cannot be anything but, the extermination of the human race…an insult to evolution itself , focused on and within rot… and Mother nature has an idea of her own with respects to a court of appeals…it goes like this in the woods…GUILTY HAS CHARGED


#18

Ive been thinking about this and don't want to just abandon a thought entered in its reactive disposition on first reading in the story.... I'm thinking the first thing I would do is call a lawyer and the local police and ask a few questions with regards to incidence in the area, interest in any individuals in the area and importantly what the police department offers in the area of concern where an adult is clearly advancing toward a relationship of a youngster of this age...."against the wish of one of the parents" and for reasons which can be very compelling...( this portion can be written down as well...starting now if this guy is an issue I would start a private file and get organized on all contact detail etc etc...He is pursuing a minor. Regardless of any association from what I understand he lives in a community which is not in favor of a youngsters reasonable expectations in what she is "accustomed to" A very very good argument can be made here if well organized. Wanted to say this because I think it would be a difficult thing if a fully true story and I know when were in the middle of something...no matter how smart we could be or caring or whatever...its a troublesome thing to try and see a way to do the best you can and feel it was a good route.


#19

I doubt FurtherSuntime's sincerity in his response. But I'll respond anyway. When the kids are visiting a family friend with their mother's knowledge and consent and you call the police saying that he's making sexual advances on them with no evidence whatsoever that is filing a false police report, and it is a felony. It is also a mortal sin to bear false witness against someone.

As for your original idea of showing up at his door, if I were him I would call the police and have you removed from my property. If the laws in my jurisdiction allowed it I would also charge you with harassment.


#20

[quote="BlueEyedLady, post:19, topic:292743"]
I doubt FurtherSuntime's sincerity in his response. But I'll respond anyway. When the kids are visiting a family friend with their mother's knowledge and consent and you call the police saying that he's making sexual advances on them with no evidence whatsoever that is filing a false police report, and it is a felony. It is also a mortal sin to bear false witness against someone.

As for your original idea of showing up at his door, if I were him I would call the police and have you removed from my property. If the laws in my jurisdiction allowed it I would also charge you with harassment.

[/quote]

The sad thing is, I believe FurtherSuntime is simply saying what he believes.

If he ever tried something like what he said, he would end up locked up and would be incredulous as to why.


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