Should I attend my sister's second marriage?


#1

Hi, I have a very serious dilema and was hoping to share it with you. My sister has recently became engaged to a man she has only known for four months. They both have been married in the Catholic Church and have seven children between them. I thought they would wait at least a year and found out just a few days ago that they are not only moving in together (please pray for the children!), but are planning on a Nov. wedding. I wasn’t given the option of not being present. It was assumed that I would be there.

I told her fiancee, in person, that it pains me considerablly to have to make a decision, but I cannot compromise my faith nor the faith witness as a parent and be present at this second marriage. It was one of the hardest decisions that I ever had to make. My husband and I both planned on meeting with her and her fiancee over the next year to speak with them about the matter, but because of the quick wedding date, I was forced to have to speak up earlier since I was going to be in town for a visit. We were at a nephew’s party, and not wanting to ruin his party, I pulled the fiancee over to speak with him. He seemed to understand and thought it was smart of me to speak with him first.

I heard from another sister today, and it wasn’t pleasant. I held my tongue and took the berating. The only thing that I said in my defense was that I must be the only one in the family with an informed conscience. (I am one of nine children). From the discussion, I am the only one not attending. My mother, a widow, doesn’t know yet.

Any advice? Any one been there before?

Thanks,
Patty


#2

Gee! Not sure what is right or wrong here. My gut tells me not to go. To attend this wedding would be to support what they are doing, which is not correct. I mean, you can tell her that you love her and that it’s not like you will stop talking to her, but the event itself, the meaning of it, you don’t support and for those reasons you won’t attend.

God Bless and I will sure pray for you and for the children.

P.s., Don’t feel bad, just follow your instincts. You are not the one getting married. Do your best to advice your sister and tell her that you love her, but that you don’t support this (i.e., this type of union) and that because of that, you won’t be attending.

Wouldn’t it be like “Yeah, I am going to commit suicide in November and you are invited to support me and to give me a push.”???


#3

I would make every effort to speak with you sister before she marries. If this does not work then I would still attend the wedding. She is your sister. I’m sorry I disagree with decision of not going. I had to attend my nieces wedding which was not in a church. I wasn’t real happy about a few things with this wedding but I can tell you I wouldn’t break my nieces heart for the world or my sisters for that matter, it was her daughter.


#4

The same situation happened with me and my brother. He was married to a catholic (catholic ceremony), they broke up (abusive situation) and remarried a women who was previously married to a catholic man in the lutheran church.

When he announced his wedding plans, I first congratulated him for finding someone who made him happy and then told him that he needed an annulment first. I explained to him what it was and that he should contact our priest. As luck would have it, we went to a baptism and my brother approached me to ask if I could talk to the priest for him (him being shy). So I called over the priest and introduced him to my brother and told him that he was seeking an anulment. The priest set up a private meeting with him, did all the paperwork and both marriages were annuled. However, the verdict came in 18 months later (PJII’s death slowed the process). Since he couldn’t wait that long, he married in the lutheran church. I believe that he didn’t get a dispensation (so I think that his second marrage isn’t valid either, but I did attend because #1 he was my brother, #2 he tried to do the right thing, #3 there is a real possiblity for his future wife’s conversion.

The verdict came in 1 month later.


#5

I have mixed opinions on the issue, but it does seem as if the relative choosing not to attend is generally made out to be the bad guy.

What kind of sister would expect you to compromise your convictions? —KCT


#6

I agree. Make sure all parties are aware that it’s not because you don’t love or think the future-brother-in-law is nice it’s just that you don’t support the falsehood of this marriage because i am assuming that neither one of them has had their previous weddings annulled? Society may say they are free to marry but god says they are already married. Sometimes you must be the voice in the wilderness


#7

Agree. Add to that - tell her you will help with tribunal paperwork to have both of the marriages reviewed.

You are asking that your family respect your faith not ask you to compromise it. That is not out of line.

Prayers!! (Note, I did not attend one of my family member’s wedding because it was second for both sans tribunal review. No one tarred and feathered me, we are all still close.)


#8

Let me ask you, the OP, this - do you think it is acceptable for them to publicly announce and validate that they will be living in a state of sin? Just because it is wrapped up all pretty with a bow under the guise of a “wedding” (which it is absolutely NOT), does not make it any more right.

You are absolutely right in not going and voicing your concern. Let them know that the state of their eternal souls is far more important to you than this commitment to live in sin.

Be strong - you know what’s right and what’s wrong here, you don’t need us to tell you. :slight_smile:

~Liza


#9

Are they seeking annulments?
If so, are they planning on living as brother and sister until the marriage is convalidated (did I use the right word?)

On a lighter note: Sounds like “Yours, Mine and Ours” :smiley:


#10

Yep. Need more info. Are they getting married in Catholic Church? If so, it seems there needs to be good-faith that they have done all necessary procedures to validly contract a marriage.


#11

I’m guessing, by the fact that the OP has issues with this, that it’s not being done properly. Otherwise, why all the angst? :shrug:

~Liza


#12

It seems to suggest that, but we need to be sure because it wouldn’t be the first time someone made a faulty assumption. Gotta love the details. :thumbsup:

Scott


#13

Thanks for all of the input. Let me recap here. AFTER she announced that they were moving in together and moving the wedding date closer, that oh yes, (as in an afterthought), the whole marriage not being valid concerns us and we did call the priest to start both annulment proceedings. I told her that was the best news of all. I could not tell her on the phone at that time that I would not be attending. Emotions were to high and I found it wise not to say anything.

I do plan on talking to her, (actually), if she’ll even listen. I HAD to talk to her fiancee first so that I wouldn’t ruin my nephew’s birthday party. I do not live around them and I didn’t know when I would be around again to see them in person. I have no regrets go about this the way I was FORCED to go about it.

With that said, the other sister who I spoke with and was berated by wouldn’t accept my word that I love her. To her I was a righteous, judgemental snob. In my family, unfortunately, if you do not conform, you are the outsider. In this case, I am the only one out of the nine children saying, wait a minute!!!, and I am definately the outsider.

The sad truth is that it isn’t about me and my faith. I truly believe that I have touched a raw nerve somewhere in the subconscienceness of my family. They do not like the uneasy feeling and are turning this into me being judgemental.

You know, some things do not even need to be judged. They are just wrong. Why does society have to play that pathetic jugdement card all of the time?!?!?!

I also believe that this is a battle between spirits and the devil is rearing his ugle head. Someone told me to pray to St. Michael and my Guardian Angels for protection. I thought that was awesome advice.

You know what else? I was never even given the option. And I’m doing something right and moral and I’m the one who is actually being judged. Talk about a twist.

Thanks, again, for all of you input. I’d love to welcome even more especially if you have been in this situation.

Sorry this was so long…Patty


#14

For clarification what is your main objection? That they are cohabitating? Yep that is wrong, but you are talking about not attending their wedding. Is it that it will not be properly annuled at the wedding date? It seems, and I could seriously be misreading you, so I apologize in advance, that you are not going to attend even if the previous marriages are properly annuled. IOW, why exactly are you not planning to attend?

Scott


#15

Well… I hope you don’t get offended that is not my intention, but when I was going through the same situation. I reminded myself that Jesus ate and drank with sinners and that I am a sinner as well. I prayed much about it before it happened.

You are not judgemental just because you don’t want to go and neither is anyone who posted that they would not attend. Ignore anyone who tells you that. It’s very courageous if you are not going for the right reasons. I didn’t make my final decision until the week before. Everyone knew how I felt about the situation and most felt the same, so I don’t believe my attending caused a scandel. I talked to my kids beforehand as well. You might ask yourself… What have you got to gain by not attending when everyone already knows how you feel? Is pride keeping you away?


#16

You know, some things do not even need to be judged. They are just wrong. Why does society have to play that pathetic jugdement card all of the time?!?!?!

Because it’s easy, and living the faith is hard.

Prayers headed your way…


#17

Yes, that makes sense. I think this is a better thing to do. You are already making it clear that you don’t agree with the way this will be done, however, it would be nice for you to go anyways.


#18

I think you should still follow your instinct. You can either go and just make it clear to her that you don’t agree, but you want to be with her in this special day (i.e., to her) or simply don’t show up and still make it clear to her that you don’t agree with the ceremony itself.


#19

I agree with housewife…you could make it clear how you feel, but I would still attend…

Huggies, Lori


#20

Pride? Good question. I’ll think about that. In the meantime, I’m refusing to go because it is adultery and how do I justify that by going to the wedding and explaining this to my children. I do not want to expose them to this.

Here’s a question for you who suggest I go? Let’s say, this marriage will fail as well. She eventually remarries a third time? A fourth? Don’t laugh, it happens. Would you go each time, because she is happy? Would you ever draw the line about attending one of the marriages? If yes, then you have a limitation as well. My limitation is at a different level.

If your friend wanted to steal to be happy? Would you encourage him by attending the event, i.e. taking photos, congratulating, cheering him on?

If your friend watched pornography to make himself happy, would you encourage that by joining in?

If your friend broke any of the other ten commandments to find happiness, would you support them by being with them when the sin occurred?

A sin is a sin is a sin… I cannot allow myself to bare witness to it if I have the choice. With my little children involved, that raises the stakes even higher. My husband and I are responsible for the development of their souls and I take that resposibility very seriously. (Knowing full well that some day they will grow up and have to decide on their own, in the meantime, I plan on helping them shape their consciences.)

Patty


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