Should I be friends with my unfaithful husband on Facebook?


#1

Hi everyone!

AH Facebook, the world of social communication! My question is: should I be friends with my adulterous and unfaithful husband on Facebook? In which I am now separated now from for 4 months ((again)))....5th time???

I think well, I have many good posts and sites which he could benefit from, then again, when I was friends with him, all his posts are sites such as: "I like hooters".....or I like this beer"......etc.\ Or "*I like these nude models", etc.......or "I like ACDC".......etc......
\
YIKES. I post many Catholic and "thinking sites"...Am I hoping against the wind here for wanting him to be my friend on FB just so he can see all I post/write/hoping to convert him? What harm can it do by being friends? Maybe one of these sites will have an impact?

What is your feeling on this?


#2

No Corrine I dont think it’s wise.

It’s important that you dont send “mixed messages”…You need to keep your boundries very very clear. Dont send mixed messages. That simply isnt fair, IMO.


#3

[quote="Corinne3, post:1, topic:221649"]

\
YIKES. I post many Catholic and "thinking sites"...Am I hoping against the wind here for wanting him to be my friend on FB just so he can see all I post/write/hoping to convert him? What harm can it do by being friends? Maybe one of these sites will have an impact?

What is your feeling on this?

[/quote]

Also, that can be seen as being manipulative and just cause more strife.


#4

No, I think you will just be exposed (right term) to his ickiness. What people tell me is that my husband is not my personal project, he belongs to God and it's the Holy Spirit who will whisper to him to get straight with God, not for me or through me. I have a hard head but I am listening and am beginning to get that...

Disengage from him. You need to get distance and perspective.


#5

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:4, topic:221649"]
No, I think you will just be exposed (right term) to his ickiness. What people tell me is that my husband is not my personal project, he belongs to God and it's the Holy Spirit who will whisper to him to get straight with God, not for me or through me. I have a hard head but I am listening and am beginning to get that...

Disengage from him. You need to get distance and perspective.

[/quote]

Wisely put. Agree completely.


#6

This thread is a bit fitting to me today. I just go into it with an ex of mine (not a spouse, thank God) It wasn't pretty, alot of bad feelings got brought up. It started over something on.....(drum roll please) FACEBOOK.

My advice-don't do it. If you want to make a break, go for a clean slate.


#7

Corinne3, your husband's behavior, from what you've told us on here, has been abominable. Why would you want to accept that behavior back into your life? Accepting him as a friend on FB sends him the message that "I want you back in my life." You may* think* it's because you'll be a good influence on him etc...but the only message he'll receive from you adding him as a friend on FB is: "Yeah...she still wants me."

I understand that you want to change him. But you cannot change him. Only your husband can change his behavior.

It's obvious he has zero self-esteem. Only people with low self-esteem and zero respect for themselves cheat, lie, and play mind-games. They do this because in a way, they hate themselves...and it's a sad thing to witness. A person who respects himself would never defile his honor in such a way.

So...he seeks out others who will confirm this low opinion he has of himself...other women who cheat, lie, etc..

Like attracts like.

It's as simple as that.

You know what the irony in all of this is? It's that when you* finally are able to shut the door on his behavior...that's when he'll come crawling back. Because he *wants rejection. He seeks it out. Again, this is a symptom of his low self-esteem. He runs from you now, because he sees how undeserving of you he is. Ahhhh! But do not feel sorry for him!!! Do not feel sorry for his weakness. He chose this path. And he must choose otherwise, or risk falling deeper into the well.

And again, please understand this one thing - you cannot - you cannot - change him.

He must change on his own.

If it helps you to stay away from him, why not try placing that challenge before him? See if he can rise to it. See if he can make himself worthy of your respect once again. And in the meantime, have enough respect for yourself not to take him back unless he does.

You must be strong - for both your children and your own sake. Someone has to set an example for the kids...and unfortunately, so far, it looks like you'll have to be doing it alone.


#8

Im starting to lose sympathy for the OP. She is trying to doing everything she can to increase her own pain and the pain of her own children.

Clearly, you are dependent on him still. You have not accepted that he will never change. He will always be like this.

The best thing for you to do is be strong for your kids. Dont send mixed messages. The moment you add him to facebook and start sending him things he will know you want him back. It tells him that you dont care about his cheating or dont really mind it because you continue to go back to him.

It will get back to your kids. Your husband will tell the kids about how their mother is playing games with him and how she really wants him and is playing hard to get. Your kids will break further from you because they will see you as a pushover. It will make them even more depressed because they know that you will soon be devastated when he cheats again. That will rip their hearts out.


#9

Corinne, if an example from Our Lord's life is of any help, remember the time right after the Lord teached about the Real Presence of His body and blood in the bread and cup. (John 6)

Many of His followers at that time left Him and followed Him no more. What is worthy of note is that fact that He didnt go chasing them down. He let them turn their backs and walk out.
Our Lord Himself let people turn the backs on Him and simply walk away. He didn't go chasing them.

You need to let your husband walk out on the Lord if it's his choice.

Dont chase your husband down and try to change him. It's not your right. The Lord isn't chasing him down. Neither should you.


#10

[quote="mjs1987, post:8, topic:221649"]
Im starting to lose sympathy for the OP. She is trying to doing everything she can to increase her own pain and the pain of her own children.

Clearly, you are dependent on him still. You have not accepted that he will never change. He will always be like this.

The best thing for you to do is be strong for your kids. Dont send mixed messages. The moment you add him to facebook and start sending him things he will know you want him back. It tells him that you dont care about his cheating or dont really mind it because you continue to go back to him.

It will get back to your kids. Your husband will tell the kids about how their mother is playing games with him and how she really wants him and is playing hard to get. Your kids will break further from you because they will see you as a pushover. It will make them even more depressed because they know that you will soon be devastated when he cheats again. That will rip their hearts out.

[/quote]

I've said things critical of her before as well. I'm sure I'm not her favorite poster on CAF, but I have alot of sympathy for her. It's tough going through what she is going through.

I think she is entitled to ask these questions, thought I'd tell her to remember sometimes you may not like the answer! :D


#11

[quote="Rascalking, post:10, topic:221649"]
I've said things critical of her before as well. I'm sure I'm not her favorite poster on CAF, but I have alot of sympathy for her. It's tough going through what she is going through.

I think she is entitled to ask these questions, thought I'd tell her to remember sometimes you may not like the answer! :D

[/quote]

I have a great deal of compassion for her.

Her marriage (which is pretty much dead at this point and seems to have been dead for a long time from what I can tell) has been extremely dysfunctional.

Dysfunction and co-dependence are very hard things to extricate oneself from.

It's hard when one is grieving the death of a relationship. It's hard to face a brutal reality that one's childhood dreams have shattered before one's eyes.

There is always a deep sense of pain and grief at the death of a relationship. But, unlike the actual physical death of a loved one, the other person is still alive. And for her, he is still the father of her children.

That's all very difficult and can be very confusing. She is also up against the holiday season. That just adds more pain and grief to an already painful reality.

I have a great deal of compassion for her. She reminds me of my own mother when she pretty much was in the exact same place.

It took a long time for my mother to let go, a long time to see that the marriage/relationship was no longer. That it had died years before even though they were still, in the eyes of the law, married.

Marriages and relationships are like living creatures. And like living creatures, they can die.


#12

[quote="Marie5890, post:11, topic:221649"]
I have a great deal of compassion for her.

Her marriage (which is pretty much dead at this point and seems to have been dead for a long time from what I can tell) has been extremely dysfunctional.

Dysfunction and co-dependence are very hard things to extricate oneself from.

It's hard when one is grieving the death of a relationship. It's hard to face a brutal reality that one's childhood dreams have shattered before one's eyes.

There is always a deep sense of pain and grief at the death of a relationship. But, unlike the actual physical death of a loved one, the other person is still alive. And for her, he is still the father of her children.

That's all very difficult and can be very confusing. She is also up against the holiday season. That just adds more pain and grief to an already painful reality.

I have a great deal of compassion for her. She reminds me of my own mother when she pretty much was in the exact same place.

It took a long time for my mother to let go, a long time to see that the marriage/relationship was no longer. That it had died years before even though they were still, in the eyes of the law, married.

Marriages and relationships are like living creatures. And like living creatures, they can die.

[/quote]

That's all true, however it boils down to two options. 1) Be miserable and unable to move on or 2) Start putting your life back together.

I hope (and think) she is on option 2.

But I don't think we should have a pity party here.


#13

I think everyone above is right in their own way.

It's like they say...with a death of a loved one, or the death of a relationship (and I've been through both of these too...) - you go through a bevy of emotions - denial, anger, grief, relief, acceptance....and then back to grief, etc..etc...and not always in that order...until finally peace. And even peace is elusive...that is, some days are better than others. And this isn't to say you "get over it" - I think when people say that they really mean to say that you "live with it" - you go on...you go on because you have to. But you don't ever forget. Nor should you.

It's almost like each one of us, with our responses, sorta represents one of those phases...some seem more focused on the anger phase (the get up, wake-up!, move on - get going and get out!) feelings...and some are more representative of the grief phase (the sadness, the devastation, the utter feelings of loss)...but they all represent a greater whole...and that, is the entire process, of moving on.

I dunno Corinne...geez...it's rough. I hope you're feeling ok. And like Marie5890 said and what I kinda forgot about is it's true...the Holidays are often a very, very, tough time for people.

I'm sorry for all you're going through. :console:

But yeah...Facebook can be a horrible, horrible thing...it's just too tempting to be "friends" with someone and not want to check their page, see what they're up to, etc.. Trust me on this one. If you were to add your husband as a friend you'd just get pulled back into his world. It'll make things all the more painful for you. Just don't do it. Spare yourself that temptation.


#14

I'm never going to blame a woman for wanting to show love for the man she married, no matter what he's turned out to be as a husband, particularly when her aim is to fit his soul for Heaven. Having said that, good intentions alone do not a wise course of action make.

I think you are way overestimating the likelihood that you will influence him positively and way underestimating the likelihood that any contact or chance of contact with him will increase the instability and overall craziness in your life. He is also just the kind of "friend" most likely to be allowed inappropriate access in terms of your personal internet security. You know what kind of viruses he'd be willing to bring home in real life. Why on earth would he be more careful in virtual life?

Pray for him. Don't allow him access to you on Facebook. Save that for a limited number of people, all of whom are trustworthy. Until that is him, do not budge.


#15

setting aside all frustration, and writing with sincere compassion, i ask you, corrine: are you in counseling?

if not, please seek and attend consistent counseling (i dont care if it's Christian or not. i really don't.)

you need a lot-- A LOT-- of help with boundaries. your husband isnt your worst problem. your inability to recognize your own calamitous, noxious co-dependancy is your worst problem.


#16

I can tell, lots of smart ones on this thread. However, I question membership on Facebook, I don't belong so I have no personal experience,so maybe I am jumping to conclusions that it could just become one great, big, dreadful gossip column. And I hate being tempted in that direction. Peace, Carlan


#17

[quote="Corinne3, post:1, topic:221649"]
Hi everyone!

AH Facebook, the world of social communication! My question is: should I be friends with my adulterous and unfaithful husband on Facebook? In which I am now separated now from for 4 months ((again)))....5th time???

I think well, I have many good posts and sites which he could benefit from, then again, when I was friends with him, all his posts are sites such as: "I like hooters".....or I like this beer"......etc.\ Or "*I like these nude models", etc.......or "I like ACDC".......etc......
\
YIKES. I post many Catholic and "thinking sites"...Am I hoping against the wind here for wanting him to be my friend on FB just so he can see all I post/write/hoping to convert him? What harm can it do by being friends? Maybe one of these sites will have an impact?

What is your feeling on this?

[/quote]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(hope you got the message)

You can't change someone unless they WANT to change.
I can understand you are hurting, and despite all the pain he's caused you, I'm sensing you still love him?
You will only torture yourself if you "friend" him....'cause you are gonna to be seeing all the things he's doing-and that will be like knives in your heart. Why would you want to do that? Don't torture yourself like that.


#18

[quote="phoenixrrt62, post:17, topic:221649"]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(hope you got the message)

You can't change someone unless they WANT to change.
I can understand you are hurting, and despite all the pain he's caused you, I'm sensing you still love him?
You will only torture yourself if you "friend" him....'cause you are gonna to be seeing all the things he's doing-and that will be like knives in your heart. Why would you want to do that? Don't torture yourself like that.

[/quote]

So, I'm a little confused. Your saying she should still "friend" him?

Just clear it up for me man!

:thumbsup:


#19

I am very sorry for all your pain Corrine but I too have noticed a lot of your post and the circle of breaking up getting back together keeps happening. For that reason, I think it is time for some tuff love

I really think you are trying to convince yourself 'I can be a positive influence on him' because it is easier than admitting the reality 'I want him back in my life'. I think you need to be honest with yourself

1-) Admit you wish he would come home and everything be back to normal. Admit you want to pretend no cheating ever happened

2-) Give yourself compassion, there is nothing wrong with wishing when you said 'for better or for worse' you really wanted the 'for better'

3-) Take steps to raise your self esteem and so you cam come to belive you deserve better. Personally I never encourage counscelling because let's just say I have my opinion of the issue. But if that is the road you wish to take, and it genuinly helps you then I support it

CM


#20

The bible verse (Proverbs, if memory serves) about a dog going back to its own vomit comes to mind here. Harsh, as a lot of what the writer(s) of Proverbs have to say is harsh, but definitely wise.

Avoid unnecessary contact with him, of any form whatsoever, like the plague. Even the necessary communication can and should be done through third parties - relatives, mutual friends, lawyers if necessary.

If he tries to reinitiate direct contact with you refer him to them. If you feel tempted to get back in touch with him ask them to pass on a message for you instead.

Having to go through a third party gives both of you time to think about exactly what you want to say to each other and why.


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