Hello everyone. There is this girl that I have known for a couple years now. I see her and her parents every Sunday after mass, although I haven’t seen her in a while because she works now. We went through RCIA together because she was not baptized as a baby. I am good friends with her parents who are active in our parish. She is three years younger than me and is going to be a senior in high school. I asked her out 2 years ago but she was not allowed to date at the time. I didn’t start developing serious feelings for her until this year. I got her a gift for Valentine’s Day but I found out through Instagram that she got together with another guy. She never told me personally though. Then they broke up after about 2 and a half months. I gave her a gift for her birthday, she thanked me wholeheartedly but then I found out she got a new boyfriend. It hurts my heart to see pictures of them together. I have never told her personally that I like her and I feel that I should because it is unhealthy for me to bottle up these feelings inside. This is exactly what I plan on telling her: “There are a few things I have to tell you. I like you and care about you a lot. But I know you have a boyfriend and because of that, I promise from the bottom of my heart to always respect that and never get in the way. I just had to tell you this because it was unhealthy for me to bottle it up inside for all this time. But remember that I’m your friend and I’m here for you.” Should I tell her this given the situation?
No. She has a boyfriend- you should not put your need to “get your feelings out” above respect for her relationship. I am sure that if you were in a relationship, you would not appreciate another man professing his feelings to her.
If her relationship doesn’t last and there is an opportunity in the future, and you still feel the same, that’s the appropriate time to ask her out.
It’s “healthier for you”? I don’t believe that for a minute. How exactly will telling her make your life better? The best you can hope for is that it makes her uncomfortable to be around you and she pulls back for her own comfort and for her boyfriend’s sake.
Worst case, she’ll see you as selfish, needy, and manipulative. That’s how I would see you in this situation.
What you need to be doing right now, OP, is to distance yourself from this girl because she’s unavailable. Hide her posts on Facebook. Find other folks to talk to at social events.
Your telling her is an attempt to make her do the work YOU should be doing. She may never be available, and you need to be prepared for that.
(And if she is at some point available and you are still interested in dating her, then in the meantime you will have had that time to become a stronger, independent person who’s had good practice with social skills and other life experiences that could make you a more interesting person…and these will be assets whether or not you ever date this person.)
I agree. The OP’s approach also sounds a bit dramatic.
OP, if you have to tell a girl how you feel this way, that means the feeling isnt mutual, otherwise it would be an unspoken understanding between the two of you and thing would fall into place naturally. Your approach comes off as needy, dramatic, and inexperienced AND she has a boyfriend. Don’t say anything for your own sake.
I’d agree that the Op’s approach is too dramatic. Op, you might scare her off with that type of approach. Id’ say it all depends on the type of feedback you receive from her or if you believe there are mutual feelings between the two of you. If you think there is enough evidence that it is mutual, then when she is not in a relationship ask her out.
I do believe that there is a healthy aspect to being honest and outright… but not to everyone at any time. I don’t mock that it is somewhat healthy for the OP to speak truthfully from the heart, **however, in this matter, circumstances suggest it would not be prudent to do so at this time. ** I would think he thinks it would make his life better in that he would know that she would know he is there for her in case she is interested… Sometimes the pining over someone can get quite hurtful, … and so one just wants to know or not, to get on with life. That’s not always the best thing to do though. There is a time and place for everything.
I second what Son of Man said.
I agree with this.
I think you are hoping that if you tell her this, she will melt and fall into your arms. This won’t happen, because she has a boyfriend already and if she was interested in you, she would have acted upon it by now.
Your talk won’t help your friendship either. Telling someone that you like them but wish to remain friends will almost certainly make everything between you more awkward. Telling this girl your feelings will not help you at all as you will change your friendship into a mess. At best, it’ll be awkward and you’ll gradually lose touch. At worst, you’ll lose touch straight away because she will be too uncomfortable having a friend with a crush on her when she has a boyfriend.
Thank you all for your responses. I have thought deeply about this and I have decided not to go along with telling her. I did not realize just how dramatic and needy my approach was until now. I have been praying about this and will continue to do so. I have also been praying to the Holy Spirit to help me think before I act, and I think I have been getting better at it :).
Life isn’t always like the Hollywood movies. The dramatic revelations of true feelings on the silver screen are fun to watch. Real life is usually clunky and awkward.
Honestly, I think you try to keep your mind off of her. Obsessing about her (and that includes praying about her) tends to only make you more obsessed. Girls don’t like that, and it can only end in disaster for you, and as many here have already said, it will only make things harder on her too.
Examine your feelings. From what I’ve read from your post about your “approach” (and I don’t mean this offensively), you seem like you are a bit too infatuated with her for your health. I can be wrong though (I don’t really know you ).
She is a senior in high school and you are 3 years older than her. Is she even 18 yet? In any case, she is still bound to her parents because she is still in school. Wait at least until she graduates high school, and if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, then see what happens.
I am a parent, and when my daughter was a senior in high school, I would never have permitted her to date an adult of 20 or 21 years of age. Those 3 years at that age can mean a lot in terms of maturity. She needed to be around her schoolmates rather than pursuing a romantic interest in an older man, IMO.
“I hate girls. They cheat; they lie; they make you cry. Say! Who’s that girl who just walked by?”
Girls are like streetcars: if you miss one, another will be along in a few minutes. I speak from experience when I say if you do approach her, you will feel like a fool later on. I’ve been down the same road so many times I can’t count that high. Forget her by dating other girls. In the meantime, go buy your self a copy of the song, “There Goes My Baby,” by the Mavericks. You also might then try to find a copy of the movie Of Human Bondage [the Kim Novak version]. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it has been said there are plenty of fish in the sea, which I found to be true.
@CBCatholic She is 17. I have decided to wait until she breaks up with this guy while at the same time, keep my options open :). Oh and something I forgot to mention: her boyfriend is a year younger than her and goes to a different school than her.
Only if you want to be stuck in the ``friend zone"!
Yes, this. It does not look good when guys get out of high school but still keeping looking for their dates there.
In fact, OP, if she were to bring it up to you, I’d say, “If you and I are both unattached when three years age difference makes less of a difference, I’d be very interested in getting to know each other better. You’re a remarkable person, and I don’t think that will change when you’re out of high school. I think it would be better if you were to finish high school before you date someone over 20, though. I won’t treat you any differently than I’d want someone treating my daughter. I won’t want my son or my daughter dating someone three years older until they’re out of high school. Someone my age is beginning to be old enough to be thinking about marriage when they date, while a high school student in our economy shouldn’t be in any hurry to get married.”
You’ve given her two presents so she knows how you feel and does not reciprocate so best to move on.
She’s been single and you’ve made an attempt by giving her a couple of presents.
For most girls…that speaks loud and clear about your intentions.
I hate to say it…but she is just not interested and hasn’t been.
I’d move on and look for someone else.
I agree with this totally. I am not a fan of people in high school dating someone that has already graduated. They are worlds apart. Later on, age doesn’t play such a big part, but right now, it does.
Here is what you need to consider:
If you tell her how you feel, it may adversely affect the friendship and make it awkward. She may feel the need to be really careful and back-off because she’d be worried about hurting your feelings. This would adversely affect your friendship.
If she were single and you were chasing after her, I would be DEAD-SET against this, because you don’t just drop your feelings like they do on TV. It DOES NOT work—unless you’re a celeb to the girl.
So if you do this just to get it all out, you’re going to potentially damage your friendship and any chance you have with her in the future should her current relationship not work out.
You also need to consider moving on from her. It may be a waste of energy to try and win her over or wait for her.
I would have to agree with most of the comments already posted. I know it seems right to tell her all this now and unburden yourself but its just not the right time. It will probably serve you better to save it for a later time when you are both more ready for serious commitment. Don’t think of it as bottling them up but rather letting them grow. Sometimes feelings are just that, (feelings) and other times they can be a part of something real. Only time will tell.
I think patience is the key. I know girls in their twenties that are nowhere near ready for a serious commitment. If her last relationship was less than 3 months I would say that just now time is on your side. The best thing you can do is to continue to build other friendships.
If this relationship was really meant to be then these special feelings will return at a later time but before you do anything its best to have some kind of indication from her that you are not the one doing all the feeling. Just think what kind of marriage it would be if your wife does not love you back.
Only thing I disagree with is trying to cut her off completely. Its probably best to stay friends with her if this is possible. These feelings don’t just appear by chance and it might be that she is the one who leads you to someone else. It can also help you grow and help you learn about your own self.
However this can be very difficult and you may have to give it some time before you see her again. It also depends on if it is practically possible to stay friends and on the kind of girl she is.
Love is difficult and takes a lot of work but it gives meaning to everything we do and in the end is always worth the effort.