My parent covertly molested me as a child. (This means that while there was no direct touching, there was still behavior, gestures, words, and actions that were clearly inappropriate and of a sexual nature which were deeply disturbing and no less difficult than overt forms of abuse.)
The relationship has been destructive for me since as far back as I can remember. This parent is high strung, excessively emotional, controlling, has been physically abusive, etc. The good times are good - until something sets them off.
Over the years I have tried to deal with this to have a relationship with this parent (who denies any such behavior and refuses to apologize).
Yet whenever this parent is in my life, I begin to fall apart. Even a simple phone call can upset me for hours on end. And visiting with this parent in person has become more toxic than I can take anymore. Just seeing this parent pull up in a car makes my entire system churn and experience such feelings of anger and misery that I cannot bear it anymore. I have truly tried. It is no longer just the persons negative qualities which affect me - it is this persons very presence and voice which causes such terrible reactions in me that the suffering is too difficult to explain.
I no longer know what to do. For the last 2 weeks, I have not spoken to this parent after a massive argument. But I have been so much more at peace.
Close friends who know me and have seen me suffer from this parent over the years feel I should cease contact. I know this is drastic - and it hurts me to think of it - but it is as though this person has become so toxic to me that even the slightest involvement in my life causes such unbearable suffering and brings out a side of me that is so awful (intense feelings of anger that even reach rage to the point of shaking just from SEEING this person. I feel these feelings around NO OTHER person).
I know that people would say to accept it as a penance, but the level of toxicity is so much deeper than an ordinary tumultous relationship. I feel the pain and anguish of sexual abuse constantly in this persons presence - I fear they are looking at me sexually, I dont want them to touch me, hug me - that it becomes unbearable in a soul torment that drains all virtue and goodness out of my soul.
Is my only option to truly cease having this parent in my life? How do I handle this? I know that it is going to cause my parent pain to be disconnected from me, and I feel guilty for that, but I feel as if I will never be saved if I cannot break free of this person and heal the wounds that keep digging deeper :(