Should I end this relationship?


#1

Hi. So I have been going out with a Christian lady since November.

I like her very much, but there are problems:(

We have never actually called each other girlfriend/boyfriend, but I have written her a romantic love poem which she liked, given her gifts of perfume and chocolates and we seem to really enjoy each others company.

We have been out for coffee, a walk, to the cinema and a few lunches.

But, it’s all me doing the initiative at the moment.

I sent her a Valentines day card with a special CD with one song on it for her. I got an email from her saying that she really liked the CD and card - “it was really sweet” of me and she finished with xo. I asked her out today then for dinner this Saturday, but she replied that she already has plans - she is going to a concert.

I had asked her out on 5 February for dinner on Valentines Day and she finally replied on Friday 9th that it did not suit her as she already had plans that night!

The last time I saw her 10 days ago on a Saturday, it was only for an hour meeting over coffee. I had asked her that day if she would like to go on to see a film in the cinema I knew she wanted to see. But, she said she had things to do later that day.

She has said she is out with friends to the cinema this Friday, obviously Saturday is now out. Last weekend, she was at a Church event and this Saturday morning and afternoon, she is also at a Church event.

The last time I spoke with her was last Saturday evening. We had a really enjoyable chat and she apologised for neglecting me that week.

It does not bother me that she has an active social life - that’s great. What saddens me is that everytime I ask her out - she says sorry something else is on and then doesn’t make any effort to arrange something else.

I have thought of asking her out during a weeknight, but I’m embarassed to do that now, as the answer would probably be no.:confused:

Could I have some advice please?

I’m thinking of just ending this relationship.


#2

Maybe you could back off for a while. See if she takes any initiative and calls you. —KCT


#3

As a woman I can tell you that if she were really interested in you, she’d make the time to go out with you. It’s time to move on, IMHO. :wink:


#4

I think “ending” the relationship sounds a little extreme. I think what you need to realize is that you don’t have a serious and exclusive relationship with this girl. At this point maybe you need to decide if you want to take a risk. Do you want to let her know that you are interested in having a romantic relationship? That would mean possibly getting hurt if she is not interested. Or you could kind of leave things open, maybe contact her a little less often, and start to take a look at seeing other people. I think you met this girl through an on-line dating site. Maybe you need to meet more girls, not just put all of your cards on one girl who seemed nice but who seems to have a very active social life.

You’ve had really limited experience dating people. Take it from someone who married the only guy she ever dated, maybe it is better to meet more people. I think you might get a better idea of who you are really suited for.


#5

i think you should meet some other people too… i made the same mistake and found that there are other things that you hold more important in your life than just “nice” …


#6

You are very interested in pursuing her, and she is not equally interested in responding. That is quite clear by her lack of reciprocity. I would move on if I were you.

If I were interested in a man and he asked me out for a day that I was not available I would let him know that I was not available that day but would love to go out on another day. She has not done that.

Also, you say a “Christian” girl, but not a “Catholic” girl. It is always unwise to pursue a non-Catholic, especially one who seems very involved in her own denomination (based on what you’ve written).

Also, you may be over-pursuing with so much attention, love poems, and such, when you’ve only gone out a few times. I would say that personally I’d be turned off if someone did this-- it seems way too soon to be doing those sorts of things. It would make me cautious of you.


#7

It’s strange that she finishes with XOs, which I hardly understand as cheek kisses, but doesn’t seem to be interested in meeting up. I’m not sure she’s making it up or stuffing her schedule to avoid you or giving you the hint or whatever, but what’s true is that she doesn’t really have that much interest. Or maybe she needs time or social time for some reason. At any rate, I’d either back off and see what happens or ask her if she isn’t perhaps giving you the hint - jokingly maybe. “Hey hey, one or two more times like this and I’m going to think you’re giving me the hint,” for instance. If you need to put pressure on her for every meeting, forget it. She isn’t going to change magically the moment you define your relationship - unless she has some preconceived ideas.

Another thing is I don’t know if it’s friends as in a group or if she’s just seeing more than one guy. IMHO if that is the case, then she shouldn’t be ending it with XOs and the like. Some people will disagree, but I believe that’s disrespectful and downright wrong. Better off with a girl who either keeps it just friendly or gives some effort instead of wasting your time and binding your attention.

Now, there might well be a good logical explanation for all this, so I wouldn’t make any rash decisions.


#8

Just say something to her already. If she is definately NOT interested that so be it. But it sounds like you are stepping around the issue.

I have read several of your posts about this situation now and I am sure you don’t want to risk getting hurt but there is a time to know the score.

I dont’ mean to come across as to blunt, but you need to just say something to her:

Would you like to start exclusive dating?
Where would you like this to go?
Are you seeing anyone else? If not, I would like to…

You are obviously a nice guy and attentive to a woman’s needs so now is your chance…

In all honesty, it sounds like any move to be romantic has been appreciated by her.


#9

Thanks so much for your replies:)

I’m not really worried about getting hurt, I’ve been hurt before in relationships - that’s just life unfortunately.

I’m going to send her a pleasant, friendly email and ask her in it:

"I’m just wondering how you are feeling about things between us?

Can I ask whether you see our relationship as leading to something more than friendship?"

So, those are my choice of words, I don’t want to bother people, but I’m hoping this choice of words is ok.

It’s kinda funny though, here I am a Christian man seeking a Christian woman to build a life with and hopefully a family. Why is it so difficult nowadays?:rolleyes:

But, I really appreciate all your comments. Thanks.:thumbsup:


#10

I agree. It may hurt if you gives you an answer you don’t want to hear, but at least you’d know.

I also agree with PP who advised not dating anyone non-Catholic. You want to be prepared that when you find “the one” that religious differences will be the least of your concerns!!

Good luck and God bless!

Trish


#11

Because there are so few good priests - or rather so few priests, period? Few priests necessarily leads to more difficulty finding a good Catholic wife. Perhaps some of us single guys will have to make the sacrifice… Seriously, though, it has to be found, not made up, the vocation, as my Dad says.


#12

I think that is very good and it puts the ball in her court.
Ideally it would be best to ask on the phone or in person but I can understand why you would want to email.
Just write it, send it, and forget it until you hear back from her.

I guess the reason I am so sensitive about your situation is that is is almost exactly like my husband and I. I just kept waiting for him to bring it up! It took months! ALthough, in the end, it was very, very worth it! :stuck_out_tongue:


#13

I would think she is not being honest, since you are sending her romantic gifts, which she accepted, but she seems not to want to actually get to the formal date kind of situation

Stringing you along? Keeping you on hold in case something else doesn’t work out? Reluctant to tell you she doesn’t actually feel the same way about you? Something like that, maybe.

If you asked me out and I was busy, I would say something like, “but I am not busy on Thursday…”


#14

I think if I were in your shoes I would move on over to the singles clubhouse thread!


#15

So, I’ve sent the email. I’ll know one way or the other soon.

Thanks for all your thoughts. They have been really helpful.:thumbsup:


#16

No matter what she says, you have done the right thing in my opinion.
Let us know how it turns out!


#17

So, I’ve sent the email. I’ll know one way or the other soon.

Thanks for all your thoughts. They have been really helpful

The people who’ve answered that she isn’t interested don’t know the girl in question, so it is much better that you’ve asked instead of just assuming she’s not into you. You’ll probably feel better just knowing where you stand anyway, even if the news isn’t what you’re hoping for. But I hope she does like you; you seem like a very nice guy.

Good luck!


#18

OK, so obviously I don’t know you and I don’t know the girl.

But, I’m a lot like the girl. I like to do my own things on my own time, and I’m busy and have a lot of stuff going on.

I’ve dated guys like you. One’s who seem kinda weak kneed and overly compliant, someone who doesn’t want to stir up the waters by asking a frank question (I know you have now, but it’s long overdue). It’s kind of an annoying and frustrating trait. I never wanted to hurt the guys, because they were nice. But a lot of girls, like a lot of guys, want to date someone with a backbone. I don’t want someone to tell me what to do, when to do it, and how. But I don’t want someone who won’t speak up. (unless it’s about my shoe habit. then he needs to put up and shut up. No one talks smack about my shoes. They are my children. I love them :slight_smile: ) There are things you need to speak up about and then there are ones you just need to let lie. My boyfriend is into salt water aquariums. Which are expensive. I don’t mind because he could be out at a bar, or cheating on me, doing drugs or gambling away the rent. However, when he does something, that either I need clarification on, or that really ticks me off I speak up. He has realized that when we buy a house I need to have a closet for my shoes. Which are expensive. But he deals because I could be out drinking my brains out, sleeping around, gambling or doing drugs. But if I’m doing something that needs clarification, or that ticks him off, he asks/ lets me know.

You need to learn to speak up when it matters.

It comes across as your just waiting and waiting and waiting for a sign, or something she’ll say. And I can tell you those never come.


#19

I think it is a little harsh to say he doesn’t have a backbone.
He seems like a man who is trying to be respectful and is trying to wade in the waters of dating without getting crushed, like many other men.


#20

I think I would agree. Backbone and thick skin are not always together. There are people with thin skin and a strong backbone and those are the people who suffer. I don’t like the whole dating thing and I prefer more natural developments. In those, it’s important to know that the other side is also interested. I don’t think it harms the woman in any way to offer some feedback. Not bluntly and directly, but there’s a lot of gesture that can be interpreted successfully to decypher the meaning without getting too blunt or too ambiguous. A little, “I’m sorry but I’m not interested,” doesn’t hurt. I try to send the message that I’m not interested or that I’m not single (when applicable) if I see a girl might be making some moves.

As for gifts, that’s not lack of message, it’s already a positive message and a confusing one. As a rule, friends offer gifts for birthdays and similar occasions. Otherwise, and especially if it’s two single people of opposite sexes, and also the gift appears romantic, accepting it sends the message that the romantic nature of the gift is also accepted. On the part of the man, it’s already some declaration, as well. So we can’t say he has no backbone if he gives such gifts, while it’s questionable to keep accepting them without making things clear if one’s not interested.


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