Should I give up pursuing this woman then?



I met a Catholic woman at a retreat recently. Afterwards, I asked to meet her for a coffee which seemed to go very well.

So, I then asked if she would be interested in meeting for dinner.
She thanked me for the offer of dinner but said that she would would probably prefer to go for another coffee as friends later in the month.

I guess I should definitely abandon any hope of a potential relationship with her?


Sounds like it.


Sometimes a man and woman who are friends at first become the most devoted Man and Wife. I would continue to meet her and let God be your guide. Go to Church with her and see if a bond develops between you and her.


Perhaps she wants to get to know you as a friend, before she goes on a date with you. Give her the benefit of a doubt, and take her at her word.


Consider some other form of interaction, not necessarily dinner, that she might be interested in. It will show that you are willing to go the extra distance (anyone can do dinner, after all;)) and will make you appear as a more, erm… well-rounded person. Volunteer together at a church function or charity, perhaps.


No. Give it up. She’s being tactful. The sooner you drop the notion of pursuing her, the better off you’ll be.


Firstly, give up the linguistics. I mean. I’m a trained lawyer that lives of commas and currently I work as a translator mostly of legal texts (because it pays twice better than being a lawyer before bar admission), so I know something about analysing a message and I tell you to stop it. You’re never going to find out what she meant by, “as friends.”

So, if you care for her, go as friends, if you don’t, don’t. Here’s an observation: if you wouldn’t want to waste time on a girl as a friend, then why would you care to make her more than one? This is the sort of logic that most people master later in their lives. But it’s good to realise it early. :wink:

So, what you need to do is to get your act together and allow yourself absolutely no wallowing in misery. It isn’t cool, it doesn’t make you a bigger person, you are not a poet, you will be a big guy if you keep doing your job, i.e. living. Because living is a job. There’s a heckload of stuff to do - working, studying, helping people, repainting the garage, mowing the lawn, reading up on your work or hobbies, that you definitely can arrange the time so that you won’t be thinking about that girl up until the time comes. And don’t promise yourself too much because I promise to you rushed relationships aren’t good. One of the best things you can do for a relationship is take it slowly. And I may be wrong, but it’s probably not good to jump up with serious conversations too early (some women expect it, some frown on it, I don’t know which group is more numerous, but it only matters which group you’re compatible with or able to compromise with).

So all in all, be the man you want to be and look for the girl you want to find. Anything else (in the relationship area) is probably distraction. If you don’t “get” a girl because she’s not really your type or she doesn’t really want you so much after all, then all the better (10,000 times better now than after 10 years and you still get to keep looking!).

Cheers, dood, and remember that manly diversions, such as putting stuff together with a hammer and nails or having some screwdriver fun is a wonderful medicine for most of the emo troubles. :stuck_out_tongue:


Time to give up: Maybe. or maybe not. Have coffee with her again. Keep the options open. See how things go. Maybe she had a bad experience and is taking things slow.


Such fickle creatures are people! She doesn’t sound interested in you, but don’t let that stop you. Do you know what the greatest predictor of attraction is for a potential mate? Proximity! Thank your lucky stars for another coffee date - have tons of them - be easy, casual, give complements lightly and nonchalantly, be a satisfied looking person who holds their esteem a mystery; she may learn to like you very much and in a safe setting.

Good luck, friend, :thumbsup:


*Did she say the words ‘I would rather go to coffee with you AS FRIENDS?’

If so, I probably would not pursue her as a potential gf, but would be friends with her. When a woman says…I want to ‘just be friends,’ she means, I don’t want to date you. Now, could she change her mind? Sure. Too soon to tell, but I wouldn’t push…I would go to coffee as friends, if that is something that interests you, if not…don’t.

I think if she was interested in more than friends, she would have said yes to dinner. I’m a woman, we’re not that complicated. ;):smiley: (contrary to popular opinion) :p*


You’re not convincing me :wink:


I agree with whatevergirl. She went out for dinner with you, maybe sensed that there was not the chemistry she was looking for to get romantic, but still liked you enough to see a potential friendship. Or she was just being polite. Whatever it is, don’t expect to come out of this with a girlfriend, but you may find a new friend… who just might have other nice friends for you to meet!


:smiley: aw, well…here’s the thing…if men want to read into a woman saying…‘I want to just be friends,’ then it’s not women who are complicating things. lol :wink: I dated many moons ago, before I was married…I was pretty clear to guys…didn’t lead them on. If I only wanted to be friends, I said it. I didn’t say that, but mean something else. I’m sorry on behalf of womenkind everywhere if we sometimes have led someone to thinking there was a possibility of ‘more than friends’ when there wasn’t. I don’t know why some women play headgames, but I know they do at times. Men do also.

But, if you hear the words…I want to be friends, and you take that to mean something else…then, you’re the one complicating matters. Consider this a free lesson in ‘inside the female mind 101.’ :wink:

Second, if I were a man…I wouldn’t want someone to candycoat things. I would want a woman to be straight with me…‘let’s be friends,’ SOUNDS like a woman who is not interested RIGHT NOW. Now, could she be down the road? Maybe…but right now, she’s not. And she is clear on it. *


That’s fair :p. It’s not that I don’t believe women say what they mean - it’s that I think they will change their mind with a little finessing (same, perhaps, for men!). The female says: “I like you as a friend” and to that, the male ought to utter to himself (if he’s fallen head for heals) “Ahh, but only for now” :D. I’m a brick wall, and women have convinced me to go on dates I never thought I would with but a little persistence.

I’m glad to hear your straight forward though; spare some unfortunate men in the world a little sanity :stuck_out_tongue:


lol, well, now I’m happily married…but on occasion over the years, some men don’t seem to care about a woman’s marital status. :frowning: I have had to be pretty straight forward…um, I’m married, hello. For better for for worse, I can be very blunt. Sad, that in our day and age, a married person who is wearing a wedding ring has to still address such comments. :rolleyes:

Oh, women ask you out? Hmmm…maybe I’m just too old fashioned…I don’t want my daughter asking boys/men out someday. I didn’t do that, ever–I should have been born in the 1800’s or something. :stuck_out_tongue:

I get what you’re saying though…about she could change her mind…and some men like the ‘thrill of the pursuit.’ But, it can come across badly to some women…she might say…I told you, I only want to be friends …and then, you might ruin a potential friendship that way, by being too persistent. Persistence is good, but when a woman OR man says…I just want to be friends…it is reasonable to denote that it means…RIGHT NOW, I don’t want to date you. Period. Just my two cents. :)*


I agree with Whatevergirl. Women are not that complicated. I agree with Primox also, women don’t say what they mean. :stuck_out_tongue:

But of course, on a more serious note, I need to caution men against thinking, “oh, that’s not what she’s meaning.” So first you don’t take her words for face value because you think her body language or her actions say something different. And then in turns out she really didn’t want you. And despite she had said she wanted to be friends, you still think cheated - because you believed something different from what she said. So no matter what she does, you’ll feel cheated - even if she actually forces herself to go out with you on dates but finally says no, I really can’t, I can’t be with that guy! then that’ll still feel like being cheated somehow. So… just allow her to make her decisions even if she’s cheating herself. You can probably read the body language and other “signs”, but “signs” say what people would like to do instead of what they want to do because “signs” convey that kind of things better than the will (i.e. the decision-making).

Sigh. I already know more of them than I should. :stuck_out_tongue:


I think this is wise advice.

I am wondering about the retreat where you met her. Is this the kind of retreat where people have follow-up get-togethers? Some people are good people to know for group activities and others are the kind you see with a look toward future marriage. This girl may be the “group friend” kind of girl. And that’s not such a bad thing, even if you’ve never seen yourself as a group kind of guy.

(Some of us women --in my case I’m talking about before marriage-- like to befriend men in a group setting because it feels safer. If things go well after a month or two or three we may consider something more exclusive. You will also learn more about her than you could on a retreat.)


Exactly! Don’t read into words and hidden meanings that simply aren’t there. And besides, if that’s the kind of girl she is (a game player) then why would a guy want to be with a girl like that? I teach my daughter, some day…when a guy asks you out…if you really don’t want to go out with him, don’t mislead him into thinking there is hope. Be honest, and direct…‘I just want to be friends’ is a good ‘line,’ I suppose.

I will say this, when I first started dating my husband, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. My husband wanted to settle down…he is 10 yrs older than me, had played the field, and was ‘ready.’ I knew that. I told him, let’s be friends, and see where it leads. AH HA! See? I said what I meant…I liked him, but wasn’t sure if I wanted a commitment YET. Alas, I must have, because I’ve been with him for nearly 20 years (married for 18) So again–say what you mean, mean what you say.

To the OP-If she had said…Let’s be friends and see where it leads, I don’t want to get serious or anything right now…then, that would show a little more interest. She just isn’t sure. But, I just want to be friends, and a definitive turning down of dinner…I am leaning towards you moving on. There are many women who will like you for you–and will want to be more than friends…allow God to show you them. That’s my advice. :)*


Whatevergirl, I believe he said she said she wanted to, “have a coffee as friends.” I know what I’ve just said, but “as” refers to the mode, not to an objective condition. It means she wants to have a coffee on a friendly level, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything beyond that, including the status of the relationship. Young men generally have a whole load of trouble with that, but once one is able to accept the “unknowns”, then it’s really way easier with relationships and with women.


Thanks so much to everyone for their comments.

I’m fortunate that I have various friends who are girls or I should say sisters in Christ. But, I’m 31 and looking to explore the possibility of a relationship and marriage with someone.

Her precise words were “Thankyou for the offer of dinner. I would probably prefer to go for another coffee - as friends, possibly later on in August”.

Now, what to you suppose I should respond to that??

I think her words clearly indicate that with my invite to dinner, she recognised I was thinking not only of a platonic friendship but the possibility of a relationship. Is this her way of trying to take things very slowly just to see what, if anything might develop??
In short, did I maybe push things along too quickly from coffee to dinner??
would really appreciate your thoughts, especially with her words.

I was always told that the mention of friends was the death-knell of any potential romantic relationship?

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