Should I Just give in and leave my marriage?

My husband and I have been married for 9 years. He has been abusive for about 8 of them ever since his mom passed away and it was the first time he went to his home since we were together. I am a bigger girl and everyone put me down and embarassed him for marrying me and ever since then he’s been a nightmare.

Flash forward to today and we have a business. He hardly works it. He sits at home all day playing with our baby (we have two kids) and watching spots. He doesn’t clean up and I work at the business. he puts in 2 or three days a week and I put in at least 6. He can be a nice guy one minute and a crazy person the next. He drinks and won’t stop. He can get physically abusive when he drinks. He keeps saying this is his last bottle of watever he’s getting to drink and then he’s stopping. I just roll my eyes and say yeah right becuase I know it’s not. Why does he have to try to fool himself that is is? Because the second I make a dinner that he doesn’t like or something doesn’t get done at the store that he demands we go while he watches spots and plays, then he’s getting a bottle of absolute and telling me that I drive him to drink. I drive him to it becuase I am fat and not rich so he can’t get what he wants to buy since he has to worry about bills.

He is a different nationality and tells my oldest that I am not in their same group (my oldest looks like him) and he tells me that he is just annoyed by me the second he sees me and it starts a fight. He wants me to take the baby and leave since the baby is white like me and leave the oldest becuase he looks like him. He doesn’t even want to raise him - he wants to send him to boarding school in another country where his family lives. Not going to happen. Over my dead body.

So I work sometimes all day, sometimes just a regular 6 or 8 hour shift and then I go home and the house is a mess because like I said all he does is play, sleep and watch sports. When I wake up in the morn I take our oldest to school and put the baby to bed. Clean the mess my husband and kids left the night before while I was working and then head to work. He will get mad that I’m not there right away after dropping off our oldest son but that’s not going to happen because of all the stuff I just mentioned I have to do. Then if he goes to work at night and I’m home, I had a 5 year old to help with school and spend quality time with, make dinner, give a bath and put to bed all while taking care of the baby and doing laundry and washing the dishes he’s too lazy to do. I have no time to do stuff for myself, -sometimes even taking a shower is not possible and he complains about me not having time for that. I said if I got to sleep in till 10 and then take a shower and have breakfast cooked for me and the house was taken care of I would have an hour to take a shower and dress nice and do my hair and makeup too. But I don’t becuase I’m taking care of HIM and two kids, and the house and WORKING.

Anyway, I am sick of the fighting and I just want to know, it is just time to get the heck out of dodge? He doens’t want conseling or help since he thinks all his problems come from being embarassed by how fat I am and that I can’t take care of the business he’s never at!!!

I can’t really give any advice, since I’ve never been married, but I’m sure there are many others who can give you good advice. Praying for you though.:slight_smile:

First off, you need to pray and get counseling big time. This is absolutely ridiculous. Its wrong for him to be mean to you just because you are ‘bigger’, but personally I think if you are overweight you need to lose it for your own health in the long run. Second, this isn’t even a marriage. Hes acting like a teenager who wants everything done for him and who hasn’t succeeded in anything so hes taking it out on you and acting like a jerk. This is so unacceptable on so many levels. Its sick. I’m surprised you haven’t left him already. What you need to do is stand up for yourself and lay the rules down for him. Don’t even THINK of making this jerk any dinner or cleaning up after him. He needs to learn that he has to respect you first before you treat him like a dang kid. Second, your kids need to start respecting you too. Don’t be buying them new toys or spoiling them until they realize how lucky they are to have you, and how nice you must be to put up with this mess. You need counseling and he needs to go to confession if you want this marriage to work. How old is this man? He needs to step up to the plate and quit acting like a 12 year old. Don’t buy them ANYTHING or make them ANY food until they respect you. They need to learn to do things for themselves for once in their life. Talk it out with him, start laying down rules, pray, talk to your priest and get counseling because I can see this is wearing you down tremendously and if you don’t get help soon, this will hurt you psychologically more and more everyday. Good luck to you!

I really think you need to talk to your priest immediately. This is not a decision that any of us can make for you. One of the most dangerous times for a woman is when she leaves an abusive relationship. However, that being said - you need to weigh the pros and cons - there is help and the Church and God do not ask you to stay in an abusive situation - you are required to stay faithful to your marriage vows unless your marriage is found to be invalid. By all means - if you can legally do it - either get your husband out and get a restraining order if he has gotten physical - or take the children, both of them and get a restraining order. Again speak to your priest immediately.

Sorry for your situation, I will say the rosary for you this afternoon. God bless you.

Schedule an appointment and talk to a priest. I would say this sounds like legimate grounds to separate and to possibly civilly divorce. As other posters mentioned, you would still be bound to your marriage vows, and that pretty much means another relationship would not be an option to you. You would need an annullment to truly be free to discern marrying someone else.

I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

Of course, end the marriage, take the children. But get a lawyer first. I’m not going to address the issue of you making child after child with him while you knew he was abusing you.

Thank you Apollos but it is very difficult to be in that situation and she only has two. I would hardly call that child after child. There is some major psychological trauma caused by abuse including isolation and lowered self-esteem.You have to be in it to truly understand it.

To the OP this is a statement that made a lot of sense to me while I was going through the situation - unfortunately for me my xh left me with nothing - I never got myself out - I was so isolated that one time I did throw him out I couldn’t make it stick.

Here is the statement from the USCCB.

LOL technically one child after the first would in fact be a child after a child but … anyway, the fact that the abuse has been going on for 8 years and the children were conceived during that time frame is extremely significant and says a lot about the OP and how she thinks. Of course abuse brings trauma with it, but … and I hate to say this … to bring two innocent children into this situation is more abusive than anything her husband can ever do to her. She volunteered for this; those children were dragged against their will. I have never known an abusive relationship - marriages or imitations of marriage - where the abuse mysteriously started the moment he said “I Do” with no red flags long beforehand. I know how difficult it is to be in a situation like that, but the difficulty is partly imaginary.

If your husband can not demonstrate that he has you and your soul in his best interest, I would consult with a priest for a marriage separation.

If your husband continues to refuse marriage and alcohol abuse counseling you should consider divorce as a logical option.

I will pray for you and your family.

Dear Forest:

I must say first off that Jesus cares about you, your family and your crisis, so do I.

Gosh, just so much going on.

Write back on the forums and we will help you, as best we can.


Dear Forest: I hear you darling, and you’re not alone, just know.

I have to call you on calling the OP an abuser by having children in this situation. She is NOT the abuser; her terribly immature husband is. Most people start marriage with rose coloured glasses on, and can’t imagine that the person they love would not be capable of loving in return. Often, emotional abuse starts out in a subtle way, with lots of “smoke and mirrors” to confuse the victim.

Honestly, I would not spend another day with such an alcoholic loser who can’t pull his own weight, puts her down constantly, and blames everything on her (as do you!). Any priest worth his collar would be telling her to leave this sham of a marriage.

To the original poster: you don’t have to put up with anything. Your size is completely irrelevant to how he is treating you. I don’t care what other people here say; my advice would be to leave as soon as you can. Nobody should put up with abuse, period. Men are to love their wives as Christ loves His Church. Your husband appears to be incapable of loving you.

It is not a sin to leave an abusive situation (which this is). You can call a priest and talk about your situation first, but really, why put up with it any longer? Your husband needs a wake up call and a kick in the arse.

no your husband should be the one to leave, if you have been married for 9 years and he has been an abusive unemployed drunk for 8 years, you should have gotten a lawyer and got yourself in counseling at least 7 years ago. Your children are in danger every day you allow the situation to continue. None of this course ends your marriage if it is valid, we are talking about legal means to protect your children and yourself.

I have to stand my ground on this one, Ailina. The facts speak for themselves. Tinted spectacles is not an excuse for creating and preserving the abuse of children. Inability to imagine reality is no excuse either. For what it’s worth, I would towel myself off after dealing with the husband and then deal with Mom. Evil, like Good, rarely shows up in isolation. The truest thing my father ever said to me was “the driver of the getaway car is as guilty as the bank robber”.

thank God the US Bishops have a more pastoral approach. the section of the posted statement from the USCCB on domestic violence called “why woman stay” is enlightening and merciful.

blame is unhelpful right now. understanding “how” can come later. understainding “what next” is where forest needs to seek. spinning one’s wheels analyzing and seeking understanding is antithetical to a solution.

what should the solution be directed toward? to make the children safe (verbal dishonoring of one parent by another is hardly spiritual and emotional safety, drunkennes is dangerous and physical abuse-- even if it’s not trained on the kid, renders a kid desperate and helpless.) to make the mother safe, too.

forest, this similar scenario happened to a woman i’ve known for years. her 19 year old son was brought to the family’s middle eastern country when he was 7 and has never returned. do not let your boy go anywhere with your husband. he’s already stated his intentions to separate your son from his mother.

get a lawyer and a priest from the diocese. your plan to safety is going to have to be very shrewd. you may have to be very patient. take your time in identifying your resources. help may come from the most unexpected places. ask GOD to show you.

from here on, stay very quiet. keep your head down. pray. pray a lot. but keep your eye on the goal: safety for you and your kids.

Too bad the USCCB disagrees with your take on the situation and thank God they are more sensitive then you are. Maybe you should check the link posted and do some reading and re-educate yourself to the problem instead of talking about what you think you know.

Did she say he was abusing the children? No, she said he was abusing her. Did she create the situation? No, he did. Why are you blaming the victim? How would you deal with her exactly? What lesson would you teach her so she learns her lesson?

She is not driving anything or anyone, let alone urging her husband to treat her like this. He is solely responsible for his own actions. She, like most Catholics, probably isn’t sure she is supposed to leave because good Catholics are supposed to stay in their marriages and work things out. Except that after eight years, she sees that things are escalating and getting worse.

I have been through that struggle and see now that I should have left my marriage long before things reached the point they did. But when you are raised to believe marriage is for life, and that divorce itself is evil and a sin and something good Catholics do not do, and you keep hoping the bad will turn into good, except it never does, but only gets worse, then you sometimes feel like there is no way out. Even some well -meaning clergy can give bad advice and ask you to stay and try harder.

Sometimes, it is not so obvious when things first start going wrong, because it usually starts with little things, not big ones. Perhaps, to follow your line of thinking, the children are provoking their father into abusing them too?

Oh come on, Ailina. (No reference intended to that song.) It’s common sense. She tolerated the abuse for 8 years. Made babies in the mean time. That automatically makes her a co-abuser.

Hiding behind rules and regulations about marriage being for life is not an excuse either. You’re not really that naive, are you? Since when does the permanence of the marriage bond mean that those who are bound by it should pick out abusive partners, run headfirst into abusive relationships, console themselves that they are upholding God’s law by victimizing themselves, then create children and bring them into that living hell to feed the abuser’s blood-lust? Is that what the sixth and ninth commandments are about? Good Lord, Ailina, what kind of monster are you?

Well, if we could actually forecast the future and see how our spouses turn out, none of us would ever have married these deceptive charmers. Reread the first post: her husband wasn’t abusive before the marriage, nor during the first year of marriage. Neither was my husband. And guess what? Our family law system insists that such abusive men have the right to continue to see their children and co-habitate with them after the marriage has ended.

Let’s not forget that not too long ago, spousal abuse was not even officially recognized, let alone talked about. “You make your bed, you sleep in it” was the advice dished out to many an abused spouse. It was considered “dicipline” by some as well. Thank goodness things are changing and there are supports for people who need to leave these abusive situations. Once upon a time, there was no support at all.

I must add that your language here could be considered abusive too. I hope you don’t talk this way to your spouse?

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