Should I let a couple sleep together in my house?


Hi there,

I live with a flat mate and his family are coming to visit. His family are quite poor and so are looking to stay with us rather than in a hotel. My flat mates brother who is coming has a girlfriend–unmarried, both non-Christian–and my flat mate has proposed he gives us up his own bed to let them sleep in his bed together.

I want to be like Phineas in the Bible and be zealous for the law of God…do I have a right to demand that my flat mates brother sleeps in my bed (which I will give up and sleep on the sofa) and the girlfriend sleeps in a separate bed? Even though that probably will make them feel judged or awkward around us?

I’m not sure what the right thing to do in this situation…I really value Catholic answers since I trust the authority behind a catholic response.

Thank you!


For your part you ought not approve or assist in their sleeping in the same bed. If it were me I would make it known to the person who shares the flat with you…in truth and charity.
Also there is the question (?) of if they ought to be both staying there…and perhaps another place can be found for one of them (that happened years ago when a girlfriend and I went together to a wedding…I found a male friend to stay with and she found female.


If you’ve already accepted that or agreed that they’re able to stay with you, not sure that you’d have any say in what your flat mate does with his family or his bed. You’re not enabling or agreeing to the specific sleeping arrangements since it’s not your bed, so is it really any of your concern?


I think you can and should offer your bed.

If they were respectful, they will accept it.


The answer is “No.” There is other options . The females can share. The men can share. And there is always the floor, padded and comfortable. What about you and your “flat mate?” Are you two unmarried people sharing the same bed? Lots of unknowns here. hmm. Peace.


Me and my flat mate are both male, so no, we sleep in seperate rooms.


Thank you to you and BookCat…good advice. I will make my demands plain to them and offer my own bed.


I think Bookcat and phil19034 must live in much more conservative areas than I do. If a secular couple is told that their brother’s roommate opposes them sleeping together in their brother’s room and has butted in with some convoluted alternative sleeping arrangement, Any secular couple I have ever encountered would label said roommate a religious fanatic and probably cancel the visit altogether. You just don’t butt in like that. Maybe we should be able to…but this isn’t 1950. We are in a post-Christian society where the vast, vast, vast majority of people consider it completely normal for unmarried couples to share a bed. Again…parts of the States may be more conservative…but where I live such a move would just be an utter social disaster with ugly consequences.
Back in 1950, when society as a whole still accepted the premise of foundational Christian values, the “wagging finger” of a neighbour meant something and probably could even lead to correcting behaviour. Today that foundation is gone. They won’t even get why the roommate is interfering…other than, as I said, chalking it up to radical religious fanaticism. Based on the OP’s use of the term “flat mate” I assume he is not in a conservative part the US…perhaps the UK which is also very secular and very post-Christian (as is Canada where I live).

I strongly believe that attempting to impose such arrangements on the average secular couple today, especially when they are not your relation nor even specifically your guests (roommates can have their own guests - it isn’t equivalent to a shared family home), will only serve to alienate said couple even further from anything to do with religion. I’ve seen it again and again. If they were the OP’s own family / guests / friends, and he had a relationship based on trust, he could speak with them directly out of charity and accomplish something.



It does not matter where one lives…the* early Christians* did not live in the best of environments (!)…

Tis not a question of butting in or wagging of fingers. But of being honest with ones “flatmate” that one does wish those for those arrangements in the apartment that they share. In a non - condemning etc tone…perhaps even in a “overly humble” tone…

If ones “flatmate” was having some drunken party - should they not be able to in honesty say - can we not have that please? Or those doing drugs…etc…etc.

One must though do all things with charity and truth…and note the situation with gentleness…finding a prudent solution. With kindness and friendliness.


Unless you pay 100% of the rent I don’t think you have the right to demand anything from your flat mate. You DO have the right to seek alternate living arrangements for yourself if you disagree with what your flat mate allows in his room.


As I noted, if they were the OP’s guests, especially his own family or close friends, I would agree. I don’t see an apartment shared by two roommates as a communal home. When I had roommates in the past, I had my area and my roommates had their areas. To my mind, the roommate’s room is his own domain. A drunken party in the common area would infringe the peace of the OP and would be a different situation.
That being said, I will dial back what I said earlier- the OP could certainly discuss the matter with his roommate in charity, but if the roommate resists I would leave it. It certainly isn’t his place to speak to the roommate’s brother / gf directly. I still believe attempting to impose the arrangement on the secular couple in question would likely do harm with little to no chance of doing any good.


I live in Philadelphia… hardly a Conservative area.

There are plenty of ways to do this without coming off as a self-righteous prick. However, if the roommate isn’t supportive, then it could be awkward.

But if the roommate is supportive, then he could simply say “girls in this room and boys in this room”

When my wife and I visited her parents or mine, we didn’t sleep in the same bed until after we were married. And today, we don’t sleep in the same bed at my parent’s because there isn’t room. We don’t force my parents to give up their bed to allow us to sleep together. My wife takes the bed and I take the couch.

There is something called respect. If you want to sleep in someone’s home (for free), then you should respect their wishes. But again, this is assuming that the roommate is on the same page.

God Bless


NOTE: I would suggest that you let your roommate know your concerns and let him deal with it.

If I had a concern about my wife’s family, I would voice my concerns to her and ask her to handle. You should treat it the same way.


Do you have the right to demand anything of your flat mate? Not unless you pay the rent and he’s an invited guest.

If you lived with a flat mate who was vegetarian out of religious values, would he have the right to deman that you not serve meat to your guests?

You can explain why you are uncomfortable with this arrangement and suggest alternative arrangements, but if your flat mate does not agree, it would be up to you to find alternative accommodations while the DB and his GF are there.

While righteous indignation worked very well at one point, today a demand that others live according to your standards is much more likely to turn then further away from your religious beliefs, whic, I am sure, is not what you are hoping to accomplish.


Yes, I live in the UK since the use of the term ‘flat mate’…not sure of the connotations it has in other countries? However I am of the belief that my home is sacred…it is where I pray and honour God…it just feels strange having people breaking the law of God in it…I understand your point from a witnessing perspective…but at the same time wasn’t Jesus overturning the tables of the money changers at the temple rather counter-culture?


Also sin offends God…I would rather fear allowing sin in my own home than be labelled a religious fanatic…surely this perspective trumps trying to be culturally relevant?


Probably comes down to more that if you share rent, it’s not “your” house. It is your flatmate’s house as well. And your flatmate paying rent entitles him to do things within reason. One of those things from a modern societal perspective is to invite whomever he wants to share his bed, particularly in the privacy of his own room. What they do in the room as long as it isn’t illegal really isn’t any of your business. Someone brought up a good distinction between the communal area and the bedroom. If they were sharing a hid-a-bed in the common area you might have cause to bring your objections or if what they were doing is illegal in the privacy of his room. But this is neither of those situations.


Here’s my vote. Keep your opinions to yourself.

I know you might feel like you’re betraying something in that. But hear me out on this.

What are you really trying to do here? I mean if this couple is living in sin they’re doing that every other night of the week. You’re not going to save their souls by making them feel embarrassed in your house.

Hospitality is as much a sacred duty as anything else. Giving people a shelter for the night is key to having them feel they can trust you in other things. Shaming people in that situation will not make them change their ways. They’ll just block you out from that point on.

No. Make them feel welcome. Go the extra mile to do what you can. Don’t let on that you don’t approve. That’s not your right. That’s up to God. He can make them feel guilty. Or empty. He can make them look for deeper meanings when they have children.

And at that point the one thing you want them thinking about is that really nice Christian guy who was totally straight-laced but who made them feel welcome even though they weren’t in his moral sphere. You don’t want them thinking that the best guy in the room thought they were immoral sinners. Assessed. Judged. Damned.

Last part of this is my little story. I once knew a family who wouldn’t let a friend of mine stay in their house because we were 2 single guys and they had children. They let me stay because I was Catholic. But they didn’t let him stay because he wasn’t even Christian. They’d assumed he was. And found out otherwise. And they didn’t want him to be a corrupting influence on their kids. Well that was their right. Ok.

So they made him stay in the car. Over night. In the heat.

Now on the way over to their place we’d been talking religion and the guy was searching. He was really leaning my way in that.

On the way home he was so totally turned off that there was no restarting that talk. Not ever.

Actions should show a love for people where they’re at. It should be a no questions-asked love. At least the first time you meet. You can always let your convictions show in what you do. In what you won’t do. And what you advise when asked.

Helping someone who isn’t ready is like pushing a kid’s toboggan before he has a chance to sit down. You might have meant to help. But instead it looks more like you wanted to hurt.

Or something.

Peace Mercuriel.



Is it hospitality to allow a drug dealer to stay over at your place and conduct business as usual?

No you love him of course - and you seek to help him in any way one morally can…and that is not dangerous (like if one has a family…etc).

(Using a more extreme analogy to make a point…)

One does not “throw stones”.

One loves with truth and gentleness.

And prudence.

But one seeks the good of all while avoiding any approval etc of objectively gravely sinful circumstances or ways of living.

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