Im so confused, I have been in a extremely violent abusive relationship, to the point where he nearly killed me last week, and I finally spoke out after months and my daughter called the police, he has felony charges against him, and I have to go for final Protection from abuse hearing Tuesday, I’m in a battle with myself if its right to hurt someone else just because they have hurt you, He needs help, and lots of it, but does he need to go to jail? I still love him and always will, but I don’t want to hurt him for actions that he needs professional help for, and don’t know if that is what god wants me to do also, to not press the criminal charges. I will end up losing the respect of my children, my friends, and the police and lawyers guiding me to punish him, but I’m sick over these decisions!! Any advice I will appreciate, Thank you
You said the relationship is violent and abusive, “extremely”.
Dosen’t sound to me as if you have a choice. Looks like he made the decision himself.
However I don’t know all the variables in this situation, and it would be best to seek counsol from someone familiar with your situation.
Just some thoughts.
“Lead me guide me along the way, for if you lead me, I cannot stray.” (hymn)
I would say most people who behave the way your partner does, do not benefit from professional help. Jail is an excellent place for him to re-evaluate his life. Better spend a little time there than eternity in hell. Do not enable him.
You should absolutely post charges against someone who was abusive to you. If this man nearly killed you, then he does deserve to go to jail. He seems to have quite a mental grip on you that is making you feel guilty for going against him. But he’s an abuser, plain and simple. Your daughter should not be in this kind of environment. No matter what he says to you or how many apologies or excuses he comes up with, he is an abusive person, and you should press charges and eliminate him from your life. You don’t deserve this. Also, if you don’t do something, then he might harm someone else.
If you don’t press criminal charges, he’s free to do it again – to you, or to someone else. He needs to see that there are consequences to his actions. Not pressing charges is the worst thing you could do.
The DA may press charges against him even if you try to withdraw your complaint. I hope that is the case. Stay away from this man, FAR away!
Ask yourself this question, face to face, in a mirror:
WHY do I “love” a man who has physically assaulted me and tried to kill me?
And then sign the papers. Remember, a restraining order is only a piece of paper. If this guy comes anywhere near you, call the cops. If you have children, perhaps the restraining order should involve them, as well.
Women die every day at the hands of sociopaths such as this. Many people have mental illness and need help. A small percentage of them attempt murder or inflict harm on people they say they “love”. Would you beat a toddler almost to death - but you LOVE that baby! Answer: no.
Press charges. He has no right to hurt you like that. If he is in jail, not only could he get some help, but even more importantly he can’t hurt you again. Listen to your children. They love and need you. The next time rather than hurting you terribly, he could kill you and think of what that would do to your children.
Press charges. It’s the right thing to do.
How will you feel if he eventually hurts or kills someone else because you didn’t press charges and send him to jail? Could you live with that? Don’t let him manipulate you into not pressing charges. Be strong and do the right thing. Men like this don’t stop. It will get worse and worse. Be someone your daughter can be proud of and show her that you and she both deserve better. If you don’t, she may very well seek out be same kind of relationship to try and “fix” her own trauma. Please show her that nobody is allowed to treat you (or her) like this.
You aren’t dong it to “hurt him”. You’re doing it to protect yourself. In fact, jail may prevent him from killing someone, so it’s probably the best thing for him. Besides, if you live in the US, you may not have a choice at this point. They don’t need the victim to press charges in domestic violence cases in most states. Due to the nature of the crime, victims are often too afraid to report it and even more often, withdraw their complaints later.
Press charges. Abusers don’t change. Their tactics may vary, but that’s it. Don’t allow any contact with him at all. Don’t accept phone calls or letters. That would just add fuel to the fire.
My ex never got so far as physically harming me. But the mental/emotional damage was far reaching. Even after the divorce, he kept it up. I only stayed in contact with him because he had liberal visitation rights with our daughter. But since this man has proven that he isn’t above using physical force, I’d get as far away as possible, and no contact.
It sometimes is difficult to see that the most loving thing to do (the thing that is best) is NOT always the “nicest” thing to do (at least, in appearances). What seems to be “nice” isn’t always best or most loving; sometimes, it’s just a way of avoiding responsibility or conflict.
If you continue to allow him to think it’s okay to treat other people this way, you are not helping him. Or yourself, or your daughter. Or anyone else, for that matter.
Will :gopray2: for you, and for him.
Pressing charges is not you hurting him, it is not you taking revenge for his abuse. It is him reaping the bounty he sowed. In choosing to commit these crimes he has chosen his own fate. It is up to you and the state to cooperate and ensure that he is stopped now and doesn’t go on to commit worse crimes. You are valuable as a witness to offer testimony to how he can be.
However, you are in a dangerous position yourself. Being prosecuted will only make him angrier at you. He may seek revenge on you, so make sure that you protect yourself and take every precaution possible that you get away from his influence and stay out of future harm. Be scrupulously careful about your personal information and future relationships. Distance yourself from everything that touches him, his circle of friends, the places he goes, everything. Sometimes it is better if you disappear for a while. Seek trusted friends and family who can take you in and shield you from undesirable influences. Resolve never to be a victim again. You will be in my prayers.
Pressing charges and having him imprisoned is not an act of vengeance, so do not think of it that way. Jail is not meant to punish as much as it is meant to keep criminals away from normal society for them to rethink their lives without posing a danger to civilians. If you do not press charges, there is a chance, and possibly a good one, that he will come at you again or will harm somebody else. In my opinion, you absolutely should press charges against him and try to have him jailed. While you’re at it, you may want to get a restraining order of some kind for when he is released.
^^^What they all said.
Please protect yourself and you have my prayers, as well as many others’, I am sure.
Press charges. But don’t forget to forgive him and pray for him. Never demand justice without also offering mercy.
Peace and all good!
What they all said plus this…get yourself some counseling and find out why it is that you are willing to permit yourself to be abused in this way. Because if you do not fix the problem in yourself, this may not be the last man you will allow to abuse you. It is quite common for some women to go from one abusive relationship to another if they don’t get help for themselves.
no im going to get counseling, this is my first and last, the physical, verbal, and mental abuse for more than anyone should bear, he also made me tear my acl and a ligament and stress fracture in my leg during one fight, and im stuck in this position also where I need surgery in near future. I just lost my husband of 16 years to cancer june 18, 2011 and then took care of my dying mother with a brain disease for a year, I just lost her in oct 2012, and had met him in june of 2012. my life as been very difficult the last 2 years, I don’t plan on having anymore relationships.I know they say God never gives a person more than they can handle, and I have faith he is guiding me!! Thank you for the support!