Should I or shouldn't I


#1

The situation is that my husband does NOT like his mother, does not want her to be part of our lives and the life of our little boy. Now that he is gone on a military commitment for two months I know that his father will call and ask to come up to see Liam (my son) and he will also ask permission to bring my mother-in-law with him. I feel horrible at the thought of saying no but I feel I must stand by my husbands wishes (whether or not I agree with them) Now you must understand my mother-in-law is crazy, selfish and I believe not a all round good person. She has put me and my mothering skills down in one breath and try using that we are both Catholics and what good people we must be in the next. I guess what I"m asking is do I do what I fell is right and allow her to see Liam (because I strongly believe in family, crazy or not) or do I stand by my husbands wishes.
Any thoughts from anyone


#2

I can totally relate to your situation. I (after many years of suffering over in-law situations) have finally learned that in matters pertaining to his family, it is always best to submit to my husband's will. He's a pretty good guy, so I willingly submit to him on most matters, but especially on the in-law situation. When you have to say "no" to them, you must let them know that you are simply following your husband's wishes and that they will have to deal with him if they want to change things. Good luck!


#3

(Reposted from other thread)

I say you should stick to your guns and do not allow your husbands mother to visit. What you’ve said about her putting down your parenting ability is enough in my mind, you need to protect what’s yours! I don’t think your mother-in-law deserves to see you or your son unless she can straighten up and act in a mature manner. I think if you take control it will be good for you as well as your son.

God bless.


#4

OUCH…

You know what? I think I might contact DH and let him know the circumstance. Let him know that you’re torn between your desire in “family”, his desires with regard to contact, and the fact they are contacting you (undermining his KNOWN??? objections?) .

I would then probably ask him to e-mail them with whatever decision you 2 have come to, and OPENLY cc you. This might mean that you actually inform grandma &/or grandpa that grandma’s behavior is not acceptable if you have not already done so (another OUCH).

This allows you to decline the visit, or agree under certain pre established terms.

It sounds as though Grandpa is a “good guy”… and maybe he understands the situation? If he wants to bring Grandma, then perhaps the agreement can be that you visit at a park (not your home) so that you can depart when she starts acting out. (If her grandchildren are important to her… she will start to behave.)

Otherwise, should you just go ahead with the visits… you will either a) end up enduring the misery of them. WHY??? or b) deciding that she’s not that bad, and then have to contend with DH and his sense of betrayl… OUCH again…

I feel for you on so many levels… Good luck!


#5

faithfully - I’ve already have talked to dh about it, he said in so many words that he does not want his mother and Liam to breath the same air …
Grandpa is a good man but he feels he can manipulate me into letting his wife come
Why oh why do I have to deal with this :eek:


#6

Has DH informed his family of this? Perhaps he can do so again, e-mail?

Dad, please don’t pressure her… You know the reasons… ETC.

If so, then I’d probably tell them, that you’ll be respecting his wishes while he’s away. And I might ask them to please not try to manipulate you just because he’s gone. That you don’t appreciate it.

Yeah, I’m sure it’s hard enough having your spouse away (Thanks to all you Army families btw!!!), that you have to deal with the Drama of his family…


#7

[quote="army_girl, post:5, topic:209516"]
faithfully - I've already have talked to dh about it, he said in so many words that he does not want his mother and Liam to breath the same air ......
Grandpa is a good man but he feels he can manipulate me into letting his wife come
Why oh why do I have to deal with this :eek:

[/quote]

Can yor husband deal with his father? If not, just tell your fahter-in-law you think it's best to wait til your husband comes home and discuss the visit with him. Put the ball in your husband's court and don't let your FIL work around your husband like that.

It's tough, I know....

And thanks to you and your husband fr his service!!!


#8

Definitely listen to your husband! As a couple you are one, so there's no question of going behind his back about this.


#9

We have had a situation simular to this. Listen to your husband, and protect your dear son (and yourself) from verbal abuse.

Proverbs 22 3 NAB The shrewd man perceives evil and hides, while simpletons continue on and suffer the penalty.


#10

If your husband doesn’t want his mother to have contact with your son, then you shouldn’t go behind his back and let them. They are obviously using his being away for a while as a means to do something you and him do not want them to do. I am sure you know all the reasons your husband does not want them around your son and they are probably pretty good ones if you MIL is abusive.
You shouldn’t feel guilty at all for turning down the request. You need to understand personal boundaries and not let yourself be walked over by other people or manipulated into doing something they want. You said you strongly believe in family. Well, by respecting your husbands wishes and keeping your son away from the harmful influence of his grandmother you are respecting your family that you and your husband created. You should feel grateful to have a husband who is willing to put the needs of your family above the desires of his parents. Not all of them are.


#11

I too would follow your husband's wishes.

We were in a very similar situation, my husband is estranged from his parents and has been deployed twice. I have to ask though, is your FIL aware of your husband's wishes not to have your MIL visit? If he is, its not fair on his part to use the deployment/military commitment as a way to get around what his son wants. Everyone involved needs to respect the wishes of the person deployed or gone. Your husband does not need another thing to worry about back home, do what he wishes until you can talk about the situation again when he's home again.


#12

Your father-in-law knows the score, and will not be surprised by your answer: “You know I can’t allow that, and I wish you would not ask me again. Sally may not see Liam until John permits it, and that is all there is to it. It is not open for discussion. If you want to argue your side of it, talk to John.”


#13

… Saw the other thread and followed it here, army girl . Probably, the greatest proof that your heart is in the right place, is that you feel torn by this. With the information on hand, I would say St. Francis’ advice here would be the most steady course of action :

… Good insight here too by Charlotte 1776

…based on what you’ve said yourself : " I know that his father will call and ask to come up to see Liam (my son) and he will also ask permission to bring my mother-in-law with him. "

Your MIL’s emotional problems (if I may call them that) have the potential to inflict a heap of wounds on you, your DH and Liam. First rule would be: Don’t permit her problems to divide your family.Your husband knows all about what it means to protect - that’s his job. And you can be sure that he desires that protection first of all for the two people who mean the most to him .

Maybe try looking at it long-term :

If you open the door now, once they (MIL w/ help from FIL) get a foot in there, you’re going to have a heck of a time trying to shut it again if you feel opening it was a mistake…particularly if your husband is away on assignment. It could become a real emotional hornet’s nest. Remember, your husband has been able to see/feel the long term effects of what your MIL’s problems can do to family. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her. It’s called *boundary setting *or *limit setting *, and sometimes it is necessary for everyone’s well being - (even for your mother-in-law’s wel being … looks like she could use some prayers in the meantime - I’ll say a couple for her] )

God bless you guys.


  • PS: One of my brothers and his family were posted to Petawawa :thumbsup: (somewhere around 20 years ago)

#14

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