Should I postpone convalidation?


#1

Should I postpone convalidation until it means something to my husband? He said he would do it for me.... but maybe it would be better to wait for him to understand what the sacrament of marriage truly means. I am a revert... so I am really catholic now and I have had a difficult time rebuilding our relationship foundation built on Christ. It makes me sad when he says that he just isn't as "into it" as I or when he jokes or says ignorant things after mass. I couldn't believe it the other day he was playing with our son and he was about to show him the bloody mary game in the bathroom! He just doesn't get it. I just said to God one day I give my problems to you. I am not sure if this is the cross I am to carry, our civil marriage, or if I should head toward the direction of radical sanation and carry that cross. Is this an example of you made your bed now sleep in it? Or do I have to do a necessary evil and break up our family? And if I break this family up due to faith (there are other reasons to), wouldn't that drive my husband even further away? We do have a 4 year old. We have been to marriage counseling, and it was wonderful but I don't know if I want to keep trying...trying for what? Some other issues we have are continuing our son in catholic school, NFP, having more children, I do pretty much everything- primary provider financially, pay bills, take son to school, grocery shop, laundry, clean, etc. It seems like I take care of my husband instead of having a partner. We were high school sweethearts. I must admit I am at the point where I can't give anymore- he calls me everyday, worries constantly and no mattter what I do I can't ease his worry, compulsions, hyperchondria. I am so sad because I do love him but I feel like this isn't a marriage- or am I missing something? Do I keep trying to perservere?
I didn't realize sharing a spiritual union with eachother would mean so much to me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

St. Monica, pray for us,
Thank you all for your prayers and your time.


#2

[quote="gracelovefaith, post:1, topic:201146"]
Should I postpone convalidation until it means something to my husband? He said he would do it for me.... but maybe it would be better to wait for him to understand what the sacrament of marriage truly means. I am a revert... so I am really catholic now and I have had a difficult time rebuilding our relationship foundation built on Christ. It makes me sad when he says that he just isn't as "into it" as I or when he jokes or says ignorant things after mass. I couldn't believe it the other day he was playing with our son and he was about to show him the bloody mary game in the bathroom! He just doesn't get it. I just said to God one day I give my problems to you. I am not sure if this is the cross I am to carry, our civil marriage, or if I should head toward the direction of radical sanation and carry that cross. Is this an example of you made your bed now sleep in it? Or do I have to do a necessary evil and break up our family? And if I break this family up due to faith (there are other reasons to), wouldn't that drive my husband even further away? We do have a 4 year old. We have been to marriage counseling, and it was wonderful but I don't know if I want to keep trying...trying for what? Some other issues we have are continuing our son in catholic school, NFP, having more children, I do pretty much everything- primary provider financially, pay bills, take son to school, grocery shop, laundry, clean, etc. It seems like I take care of my husband instead of having a partner. We were high school sweethearts. I must admit I am at the point where I can't give anymore- he calls me everyday, worries constantly and no mattter what I do I can't ease his worry, compulsions, hyperchondria. I am so sad because I do love him but I feel like this isn't a marriage- or am I missing something? Do I keep trying to perservere?
I didn't realize sharing a spiritual union with eachother would mean so much to me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

St. Monica, pray for us,
Thank you all for your prayers and your time.

[/quote]

Oh you sound so torn! I wouldn't presume to know what was the right answer in this situation, but I know someone who does. If you ask Him - he will make it clear.

I don't think its at all wrong to desire a spiritual union with your husband. That desire is a blessing in and of itself. And it says that the Lord gives us the "desires of our heart". I truly do believe if you call to Him that he will lead you where he wants you to go - and that's not always where we think we should go.

I will pray for you and hope that things begin to become clear.

God bless.


#3

Hi grace firstly how wonderful you have found your way back to faith again.Welcome home!

As i read your post i was thinking that your husband just is not on the same page as you.You were childhood sweethearts and the person you were when you married him civilly you are not now, you have changed and he does not fully understand the changes.He is not necessarily doing anything wrong in his behaviour its just that you have refound your faith and he doesn't understand it.
You have a child to think of also.You are a family unit.

I would suggest you make an appointment to speak with your priest.

Does you husband attend Mass with you?If so, give him time and gently try to explain little things to him one step at a time,if not invite him.You can tell him about your strong faith in God and how you have felt called back to faith.I suspect your husband is frightened of losing you as you have changed from the person he married.
By your example of faith your husband will be drawn to God.Lead by example and pray for him.
God bless


#4

I agree with the above about speaking to a priest, and posibly to someone versed in canon law on marriage and annulments. Not as a move toward splitting up, but to clarify the status of your marriage, and possible consequences of convalidation as you move forward in your discernment.

We are really unequiped to really give you good advise here.

Peace
James


#5

[quote="gracelovefaith, post:1, topic:201146"]
Should I postpone convalidation until it means something to my husband? He said he would do it for me.... but maybe it would be better to wait for him to understand what the sacrament of marriage truly means. I am a revert... so I am really catholic now and I have had a difficult time rebuilding our relationship foundation built on Christ. It makes me sad when he says that he just isn't as "into it" as I or when he jokes or says ignorant things after mass. I couldn't believe it the other day he was playing with our son and he was about to show him the bloody mary game in the bathroom! He just doesn't get it. I just said to God one day I give my problems to you. I am not sure if this is the cross I am to carry, our civil marriage, or if I should head toward the direction of radical sanation and carry that cross. Is this an example of you made your bed now sleep in it? Or do I have to do a necessary evil and break up our family? And if I break this family up due to faith (there are other reasons to), wouldn't that drive my husband even further away? We do have a 4 year old. We have been to marriage counseling, and it was wonderful but I don't know if I want to keep trying...trying for what? Some other issues we have are continuing our son in catholic school, NFP, having more children, I do pretty much everything- primary provider financially, pay bills, take son to school, grocery shop, laundry, clean, etc. It seems like I take care of my husband instead of having a partner. We were high school sweethearts. I must admit I am at the point where I can't give anymore- he calls me everyday, worries constantly and no mattter what I do I can't ease his worry, compulsions, hyperchondria. I am so sad because I do love him but I feel like this isn't a marriage- or am I missing something? Do I keep trying to perservere?
I didn't realize sharing a spiritual union with eachother would mean so much to me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

St. Monica, pray for us,
Thank you all for your prayers and your time.

[/quote]

Go talk to your priest. He'll give you the final answer you need, or help you to arrive at the right answer.

That being said, was your husband ever baptized? Was he, at any time, a practicing Catholic? If so, that makes it a little easier. But in any case, you should offer up your sufferings, along with prayer (daily Mass, if you can, too), and ask others (like us - I will) to pray for him. Jesus can soften the most hardened of hearts if we ask Him. The hard part is that He does it in His time, not ours. St. Monica prayed for St. Augustine for 30 years before he straightened out! It sounds to me like you are a wonderful wife! You are giving all of yourself like Christ gave all of Himself on the cross. You just need to offer that up (seriously). You might also try some novenas, like the novena to St. Jude. (ewtn.com/Devotionals/novena/jude.htm) and the novena to St. Therese, the Little Flower (catholicdoors.com/prayers/novenas/p00032.htm). Lastly, you might also consider fasting. Prayer and fasting are a powerful 1-2 punch!

God bless! :)


#6

HOLY PATRONESS
Of those in need, St. Rita,
So humble, pure and patient,
Whose pleadings with your Divine Spouse
Are irresistible,
Obtain for me
From your Crucified Jesus
The request I make of you.

(please intercede for this couple)

Be propitious towards me
For the greater glory of God,
And I promise to honor you
And to sing your praise forever.

O glorious St. Rita,
Who miraculously participated
In the sorrowful Passion
Of Our Lord Jesus Christ,
Obtain for me
The grace to suffer with resignation
The troubles of this life,
And protect me in all my needs.

Amen.

Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be (3 times)


#7

This man sounds a LOT like my husband- who thankfully has made a lot of improvements, especially since our convalidation. However, I'm not advising you in one direction or another.

I think that you should try to make whatever decision helps your husband to mature and become as good a person as he can. God works wonders- this will certainly turn out to also be the decision that helps you to mature and become as good a person as you can.

No matter what, don't help him to hurt himself or you, but always remain loving- even if you have to love from a distance.


#8

Be patient with your husband. It took over 20 years for my DH to finally join the Church. Now he is a master apologist for the Church and takes it very seriously.
Pray the Rosary every day.


#9

When my husband asked me to marry him, he told me, "I am only going to do this once so divorce is out of the question. If you can deal with that?"

I was Mormon at the time, and had previously been married. We had a civil ceremony because my annulment process took much longer than we had planned. We had our marriage convalidated on our first anniversary... I became Catholic 6 years later. :thumbsup:

I am so grateful that he didn't wait for me to believe, or understand. I truly saw the power of the sacrament...even without belief... work in my case. It brought up questions for me. I did it for my husband. I knew that it was very difficult for him to be unable to receive the Eucharist for that year when we were not married sacrimentally. Looking back, I truly believe that God gave me such Grace through the obedience to the Sacrament, that He drew me to Himself. He used that obedience, without belief, to bring me into the fulness of Faith.

Praise God for believing spouses!!!

Steph


#10

PLEASE see your priest about this. This was one of the reasons (among others) that my ex-“marriage” was found to be invalid. In spite of going through convalidation, it was still invalid, he did not take it seriously and really didn’t care if it happened or not.

I am so sorry for your pain and your cross. I will keep you in my prayers.

~Liza


#11

When you say, “postpone,” does this mean that the convalidation is already in the works or does it mean you plan to go discuss the idea with a priest?

In theory you should be undergoing the same preparation as couples who have never been married to each other, either civilly or by the Church. But sometimes couples who are already civilly married may be given a pass in some parishes.

I would use this time to truly discern what the two of you want. You seem to be questioning whether YOU want to be married to this man even more than you wonder if he wants to be married by the Church.


#12

[quote="gracelovefaith, post:1, topic:201146"]
Should I postpone convalidation until it means something to my husband? He said he would do it for me.... but maybe it would be better to wait for him to understand what the sacrament of marriage truly means.

[/quote]

No do not wait, take care of this as soon as possible, and get pastoral counselling from your priest on how to conduct yourself in the meantime. You are trying to live as a Catholic, separated from Christ and his grace in the sacraments, an impossible task. Your immortal soul is at stake, and only when you are back in the good graces of the Church will you be able to influence your husband for the better, and to raise your son properly in the Faith.

I

It makes me sad when he says that he just isn't as "into it" as I or when he jokes or says ignorant things after mass. I couldn't believe it the other day he was playing with our son and he was about to show him the bloody mary game in the bathroom!

I have no idea what that game is and I don't want to know but if he is teaching your child to enjoy anything immoral you have a real problem, see your priest today. Bear in mind the Church will not convalidate a marriage that is rocky so see your priest today and get referrals to marriage counselling if you think that is indicated. A lack of respect for your faith is definitely a red flag.


#13

[quote="puzzleannie, post:12, topic:201146"]

I have no idea what that game is ....

[/quote]

For those who are curious: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloody_Mary_(folklore

It's not a good game for anyone to be playing.

~Liza


#14

just an FYI, but the game has nothing to do with our Blessed Mother.

It IS, however an occult practice and not to be done. I'd say that's more dangerous than anything.

Steph


#15

We had our house blessed by our priest, a wonderful man. It made a difference in our home. You might consider it. Families are really under attack right now, and we need all the help we can get.
I would not consider breaking up a marriage involving a small child unless there were violence or abuse going on. Your son really needs his dad. Perhaps you will find that the responsibility of having a son will help your husband mature.
You are doing everything -- why? Is that fair? Why not have a conversation with your husband and ask him to take over some tasks --- tasks that really need to be done or serious consequences will happen. He could do the grocery shopping, or take care of the house cleaning on alternate weeks, and drive your son to school. Yes, I KNOW that you can do it better, that he would probably buy 15 cans of noodle soup because it's on sale and forget the milk -- but that's how he'd learn. So you'd eat noodle soup all week and have no milk. But if you tell him how much it helps that he's taking on more, he may step up to the plate.


#16

I just wanted to say thank you all to have replied and for your prayers. I have gotten in touch with a priest, with his guidence, Christs guidence, through prayer and counseling may there be peace with this issue soon. Postponing convalidation is actually necessary because we need to go over some "pre-marrital" preparations and iron out our issues or love eachother enough to let eachother go. I honestly hope he loves me enough to let me go. I do believe there is a spiritual attack on families right now, but the husband and wife need to be grounded in Christ and the Church for the family to perservere through those times. Thank you all again and may God bless you all.

:signofcross:


#17

:signofcross:Thank you all. Sincere prayer, fasting, your prayers, speaking with a priest and his prayers, the intercession of St. Jude, St. Therese, St. Rita, St. Monica, Mary and Jesus has been a true blessing as my family is saved by the grace of God and the Holy Spirit. My husband finally gets it! I am so amazed! I pray all your families receive the blessings of Christ.
:extrahappy:


#18

I am so happy to hear this - you know I had some issues at some points in our marriage with my dh not being really faithful so to speak - so I reminded him that his job was the spiritual head of the household and asked him to step up. In your case with convalidation he is agreeing to raise your child in the Catholic Faith - he needs to "step up." God bless you.


#19

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