Should I stay friends with ex boyfriend

Good Morning,

I have a dilemma here and I will ask my priest about it when I can but I wanted to know what everyone here thought.

I was in a “friends with benefits” situation while out of the church. When I came back to the church I asked him to put the sexual relationship on hold. He lives an hour’s drive from me so I continue to talk to him an hour a day at lunchtime on instant messenger as we have always done for 3 years. When I’m upset or having a horrible time he always responds with, “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, what’s wrong?” and listens to me and offers support. He has been VERY supportive of my coming back to the Church and has never pushed me to resume the illicit part of our relationship. There even days when we spend the whole hour talking about the church and how I’m doing. He says he has never seen me this happy and so at peace.

Yesterday he said he would like to meet for drinks and lunch. I am not sure about this. Talking is one thing but meeting is another. I have urges/desires/cravings in this area that I struggle with repeatedly including personal impurity issues that I confess every couple of weeks. I am doing much better but I struggle with the temptations.

I appreciate any advice or comments anyone has as I have always gotten good holy advice from this community.

Thanks,

Lorrie

I suggest you text this to your boyfriend:

(1 Corinthians 6:9-10):
Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Then tell him please no lunch nor drinks, I WANT TO INHERIT THE KINGDOM OF GOD.:gopray2:

It is very possible, that he would like the relationship to be more meaningful. Us men are weird in that we can fall in love even when we aren’t supposed to. At this point, decline the invitation to meet for lunch and instead invite him to church. You could have time to chat before or after Mass, and you can find out what his intentions are on your grounds.

If you see meeting with him as an occasion of sin, do not go.

I’m thinking the same thing as gelsbern. You say he has been supportive. Maybe he is interested in changing his life as well and sees you as the person he would like to be with on that journey, since you are already friends.

The key to being chaste while dating is to not put yourself in a situation where you are sufficiently alone with the person to behave any differently than you would in front of your mother. Agree that there is not a line to be crossed because you have both made a choice not to yield to temptation. Agree not to be alone together for more than a few moments. You can achieve this by double dating with people (maybe older people) who have better self control such as you might find in your church. Most of your dating should be in the daytime or the early evening. People used to date this way before the unwed pregnacy rate exploded. Hmm…cause and effect… :hmmm:

If you are right for each other, get married and quit struggling with temptation. A healthy marriage strengthens your commitment to a Christian life. It sets you on a road.

i know its wrong to go to a temptation of sin but what if he wanted to talk to you about being Catholic and if you don’t go he may never become Christian and act the faithful life, I’d say pray about it ask God to guide you, God bless

Sounds like a near occasion of sin. Also, alcohol added to the situation won’t help you resist temptation. It’ll make it harder.

You need to set firm boundaries. And that one is outside the boundaries.

I’ll go a bit against the grain here and say this;

If he did this with you, then the odds are he probably could easily find someone else to have “benefits” with. It’s possible, as has been mentioned by gelsbern, that maybe he either has feelings for you or wants to learn more about the faith (as that is what stopped the benefits from happening). Maybe he wants to see what caused that change in you.

IF you can get a handle on things and IF you can see him without engaging in certain benefits, then it might be worthwhile to see him in person in a public setting. Meeting up in a neutral area is a solid start, such as a diner. Because if he IS interested in the faith AND interested in you, that’d be pretty cool eh?

EDIT: Scoobs brings up a GREAT point. Lay off the sauce (drinks)!

But then you would sound like a self-righteous teetotaler (I hope that I don’t get banned for this)!

It sounds like you have some major reservations regarding the situation. Reservations are typically an indication of the direction your conscience (and therefore the Holy Spirit/God) is guiding you, especially when it is guiding you towards the good (purity) and away from what sounds like a serious temptation. Don’t ignore that, and definitely ask God in prayer about those reservations.

It is important to note that in the spiritual battle, the devil first needs to get his foot in the door to be able to tempt a strong person to sin. He will do this in any way he can, and he especially does this by presenting situations that have some “good” involved with them. In your situation, the good would be that it is possible that your ex-friend could be changing into a more pure person. That would be great if that is the case. However, you have to be very leary about the situation. Look down the road to what would happen after renewing the “friendship” by meeting up with the person. You have already broken a major boundary with this particular person, and therefore your “will” (ability to say no to temptation) has been desensitized and weakened. Subconsciously you are attracted to those particular euphoric events- that is just the nature of the human desire for the marital act. Even if the first couple of times you are together you aren’t alone, you will eventually be alone and presented with the temptation to fall into the very serious sin against purity. Because of the fact that you have already broken this boundary, it will be nearly impossible to say no when the temptation presents itself again.

You have made a very important observation of yourself in that you acknowledged that at the present time you are weak as far as temptations against purity go. You should pay attention to that too. Adding drinks- whether it is 1 or 10- to the situation also weakens the will and alters both the conscious and subconscious mind.

The above observations unfortunately come from bad experiences similar to your situation.

It really sounds like you should avoid this situation. Start a 54-day rosary novena and ask the Blessed Mother to guide you to your future spouse. You won’t be disappointed.

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