Should I stay or should I go?


#1

Well now that things are moving in the direction of finally ending I have a dilema. My family came here for Christmas and then I went to California for new years, while I was with my family I realized that I really want my children to grow up with my family. I want them to play and fight with their cousin and hang out with grandma and grandpa, etc. The problem is that they are so far away, I know there isn’t anything keeping me here anymore except that in reading the “best place to raise kids” threads Illinois came up quite a bit and California not the best place. I would like to do what is best for my children and I think there are alot of positives for staying here. The only reason I would go back is because of my family and friends. I’ve spoken with my family and they would actually consider moving here to be closer to me and my children. Of course they would have to find work, a place to live etc., I don’t think I should ask them to make such a sacrifice, although I think they could do well here also.

If I were to move back to California it wouldn’t be for a couple of years at least, I would wait for the birth of my child, the divorce to be finalized and hopefully get some equity in this house before selling. What do you all think stay or go? I live 15 miles west of Chicago, and I know there is alot of work in my field here, I have a masters in Education and Counseling, lots of schools, colleges and universities here and lots of Catholic schools to choose from for my children…any advice and/or suggestions would be appreciated, thanks.


#2

Well since you already have alot on your plate… the divorce, the new baby etc. I say don’t even think about it for a year or two. California isn’t going anywhere… and if, down the road when your life settles down a bit and you’d still like to go, you can. But I wouldn’t think about it right now… why borrow worries from tomorrow?

What’s that saying about how we make plans & God laughs? Who knows what He has in store for you? For now you have enough to think about.

I hope your pregnancy is going well & you’re feeling good. :slight_smile:
CM


#3

[quote=carol marie]Well since you already have alot on your plate… the divorce, the new baby etc. I say don’t even think about it for a year or two. California isn’t going anywhere… and if, down the road when your life settles down a bit and you’d still like to go, you can. But I wouldn’t think about it right now… why borrow worries from tomorrow?

What’s that saying about how we make plans & God laughs? Who knows what He has in store for you? For now you have enough to think about.

I hope your pregnancy is going well & you’re feeling good. :slight_smile:
CM
[/quote]

Same here. God bless.


#4

Well, since you have to wait until the divorce is final, there’s no reason to make a firm decision just yet. And, considering there are children involved, what about custody issues? Even though it doesn’t sound as if he will bother with them anyway http://bestsmileys.com/angry2/3.gifhttp://bestsmileys.com/angry1/14.gif, the judge may give him joint custody. And that may mean you won’t be able to leave.


#5

I only live 45 minutes from my parents and having them in my kids lives is so awesome and just the moral support and knowing I can go visit my folks pretty much any time the idea comes into my mind is so nice for us. I live in MN and all in all it is fine to raise a family and we live in a small town with only a hanful of stores etc. and it is nice for a family. So, I am pretty biased, I have always known I would live within driving distance from my family, my brother and his wife are less than an hour away and my sister is 4 hours and I still see her pretty often and it is nice to have my kids and my siblings kids growing together and seeing eachother quite often and having that nice close relationship.
After my husband my parents are my best friends, so I can’t even imagine what it is like for you, I could never live far far away from them, I want to be there for them when they need me as they get older as do my siblings.
But, you have time to think on all of this and don’t need to rush into anything and even though your husband is acting like he doesn’t want your kids right now…that can change, my best friend got a divorce and in her marriage her husband never gave a wink about those kids but… when they got divorced and she tried to move out of state, he went for full custody and he got it because he made more money and she had to work two jobs just to get by, so now, she only sees her kids every other weekend and on top of that, she has to pay him child support so she works all the time, basically he took those kids becuase he wanted to hurt her and boy did he.
So, don’t try to take the kids out of state even if you think he won’t care, you have to get that stuff all cleared up between lawyers first, she didn’t know that but if you don’t tell the lawyer and get the ok then your ex can say you are trying to kidnap the kids, as dumb as that is.


#6

I grew up in California and I thank God that I did. But the ground moves, and without warning. Can you handle that? You must be prepared at all times to be self sufficient for at least 3 weeks. The local authorities know ahead of time which roads and structures will go down. You can go to the local building & planning department and get a map of your neighborhood, showing where the fault lines are located. The Rose Bowl, schools, apartment complexes, etc. are all located ON known fault lines. That’s why I’m now in Texas. Geologically one of the safest areas. The other 2 are the Florida panhandle and southernmost Alabama. Something to think about…

Also, you can call and talk to a geologist at the USGS in Golden Co. about a specific area. Your dime and they’ll talk your ears off. Also, you can check the USGS site for a listing of earthquakes. Fascinating stuff. :slight_smile:


#7

Is there the possibility that your future X will want shared custody? If so can you stand having them in Illinois while you are in California. If you move that far away will you be able to handle this?


#8

Well as far as the custody goes…I am hoping he won’t fight for any custody. To be honest I think children would get in the way of the lifestyle he wants to live. He also has 4 other children in California that he has no custody of and doesn’t seek it, he never sees them and he left to come to Illinois and work. The last time we spoke about seperating he said he wouldn’t fight for custody, he only wanted to be able to visit them…according to him children belong with their mothers. I would hope that since I have no support system here that he wouldn’t want to keep me here. I also think that it would be in his best interest to have me far away from him.


#9

[quote=wacky&wonderful]I grew up in California and I thank God that I did. But the ground moves, and without warning. Can you handle that? You must be prepared at all times to be self sufficient for at least 3 weeks. The local authorities know ahead of time which roads and structures will go down. You can go to the local building & planning department and get a map of your neighborhood, showing where the fault lines are located. The Rose Bowl, schools, apartment complexes, etc. are all located ON known fault lines. That’s why I’m now in Texas. Geologically one of the safest areas. The other 2 are the Florida panhandle and southernmost Alabama. Something to think about…

Also, you can call and talk to a geologist at the USGS in Golden Co. about a specific area. Your dime and they’ll talk your ears off. Also, you can check the USGS site for a listing of earthquakes. Fascinating stuff. :slight_smile:
[/quote]

I grew up in California also, I survived a 6.5 earthquake in 1983 in the town I grew up in…it was quite the experience :bigyikes:, but the earthquakes aren’t what concern me it’s the culture and the fact that it isn’t a very Catholic state…very few Catholic schools, etc. There are earthquakes everyday where my parents live, the San Andreas Fault is only a few miles away.


#10

[quote=Lexee15]Well as far as the custody goes…I am hoping he won’t fight for any custody. To be honest I think children would get in the way of the lifestyle he wants to live. He also has 4 other children in California that he has no custody of and doesn’t seek it, he never sees them and he left to come to Illinois and work.
[/quote]

Lexee, honey, I have been reading your sad story. It is none of my business but whatever did a smart girl like you (Catholic, masters in education and counseling) ever see in this guy? If you should ever get an annulment, please be very careful. God forbid you should be attracted to another guy like this. (I assume he is charming and a smooth talker.)


#11

You can’t go far any way. You want that Illinois decree. It’s worth it.

California is wonderful (my husband is a native), and will be there when you get done.


#12

[quote=ReginaNova]Lexee, honey, I have been reading your sad story. It is none of my business but whatever did a smart girl like you (Catholic, masters in education and counseling) ever see in this guy? If you should ever get an annulment, please be very careful. God forbid you should be attracted to another guy like this. (I assume he is charming and a smooth talker.)
[/quote]

You’re not the only one worried about this :whacky: I must have been crazy, or stupid or something…I don’t know. This is precisely why I’m in counseling…I DO NOT want to do this again…more importantly I need to know why I picked him to begin with. As I look back on my other relationships they weren’t so great either. My ex-boyfriend whom I was with for almost 4 years was an okay guy, we got along really well, but I had some real issues with him…he liked drinking way too much and he was into porn, not acceptable to me. The one before him was a good guy except that he had a massive anxiety problem who couldn’t do anything unless he had a certain amount of alcohol in him…we couldn’t be in public cause it would send him into a panic attack. I’ve chosen some real winners haven’t I? I guess it was only a matter of time until I really screwed things up. I do have to figure out why I’ve picked these men :crying: .


#13

[quote=OutinChgoburbs]You can’t go far any way. You want that Illinois decree. It’s worth it.

California is wonderful (my husband is a native), and will be there when you get done.
[/quote]

What’s the difference between an Illinois decree and any other?


#14

Experts say that anytime a person experiences a loss (death divorce etc.) It is best to give yourself a year before making any major decisions, such as selling a house, quitting a job, moving, if it can be avoided. It is recommended that you give yourself a year to better decide what you really want to do, rather than make an impulsive decision and regret it later.

If you are able to wait for awhile, that would be best… unless it would but a huge strain on you and your family. If you feel uncertain, give yourself some time. Don’t rush into anything if you don’t need to.


#15

Lexie, I’m a So. Cal native. All my family and my husband’s is still there. We left in the early 90s because of our kids. The cost of living there is impossible. We are two college degreed people, hubby’s a PhD, I’m a BA in Business. Together we were pulling in well over $100,000 a year and we were barely making ends meet for us and our 2 kids. The daycare and student loans were sapping my income. Living expenses (food, utilities, rent, auto insurance, gasoline, homeowners/life insurance) took the rest. In order to draw the income we did we had demanding jobs which kept us away from home from 6:30 am - 7:00 pm most nights…later for others. That just freaked me out because I was missing my babies so much (they were infant/toddler at that time) and there was no way I could stop working to stay home with them if we wanted to pay off the school loans and own a home someday. Renting was killing us at year-end tax time!

Anyway, we prayed about it and decided to apply for work across the nation. If something came through, we were ready to pack it all up and leave. If not, then we were ready to sit down to redesign our future, to make drastic changes all around so that I could spend more time with the kids without throwing us into debt. Within weeks of the applications going out, hubby got a call from a university in the midwest area. They flew him out immediately after a phone interview and within two weeks of that made the offer. They flew us both out for the followup interview so that I could shop the neighborhood real estate market, schools, churches, medical facilities, etc. The cost of living here was such that I could afford to drop my $60,000 salary, he could afford to drop $20,000 off of his, and we still would be able to pay off our loans, buy a house, pay for living expenses and set a little money aside for the future. It was a no-brainer. We left and have no desire to live in CA ever again.

We fly home almost every summer to visit family. If hubby and I can’t go due to work obligations, we send the kids without us to be with their aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins for 6 weeks straight. If anyone in my family were to offer to move in our direction we’d LOVE to help them find the right place, but no one in our families want to leave CA. You are so blessed to have family who would be willing to come closer to you.

I concur with the other posters…now is not the time to make such a major decision, but it really is good to keep your options open, to think ahead like that. Since we left, housing and all other cost-of-living expenses in So. Ca. has soared. If we weren’t cutting it on $100,000 combined and getting that $100,000 kept us from the kids, then I don’t know how a single mother would do it. You have one advantage we never had - our family was never close enough to us to help with child care so we had to rely on private nannies or expensive low child-adult day-care. I don’t know what the job market for someone with your anticipated degree is like where you’re looking to go, so that’s the other thing to consider. You will be financially responsible for your children from here on out and the wages in CA are not on par with living expenses, especially with housing costs these days. The medical system out there (Southern) is not the greatest either, but you have your family to help you gage that. Schools - while I’m not impressed with the public system here, it’s been the same, academically as my kids would have had back home, but the social pressure is much lighter and the faith base here is strong so no one needs to be ashamed of being Catholic or Protestant in a public school (our high school even offers a bible study class in the morning before school). You already know what the school system is like from your nieces and nephews, I suppose. I compare ours to the ones my nieces and nephews attend and those of friends who still are in the city we left.

You’re a smart lady. Not so wise in her choice of men, but wise enough to fix that through counseling. You love your children, you want the best for them, you’re willing to do what it takes and you have a supportive family. You’re going to be ok and the decisions you make for your children will be the right ones. I’ll keep you in my prayers anyway, so that you can feel the energy of my prayers along with everyone else here as you sort things out. May they sustain you as long as you need them to.


#16

[quote=carol marie]Well since you already have alot on your plate… the divorce, the new baby etc. I say don’t even think about it for a year or two. California isn’t going anywhere… and if, down the road when your life settles down a bit and you’d still like to go, you can. But I wouldn’t think about it right now… why borrow worries from tomorrow?

What’s that saying about how we make plans & God laughs? Who knows what He has in store for you? For now you have enough to think about.

I hope your pregnancy is going well & you’re feeling good. :slight_smile:
CM
[/quote]

This sounds like well grounded advise. No need to make a decision right away.


#17

[quote=carol marie]Well since you already have alot on your plate… the divorce, the new baby etc. I say don’t even think about it for a year or two. California isn’t going anywhere… and if, down the road when your life settles down a bit and you’d still like to go, you can. But I wouldn’t think about it right now… why borrow worries from tomorrow?

What’s that saying about how we make plans & God laughs? Who knows what He has in store for you? For now you have enough to think about.

I hope your pregnancy is going well & you’re feeling good. :slight_smile:
CM
[/quote]

Thank you, and you’re right about California not going anywhere, I have had my share of worries already, I guess I can wait on this one.
And my pregnancy is going well, thank you and I thank God because if it went anything like my last pregnancy I’d be miserable and I don’t know how I’d take care of my baby feeling so miserable. I’ve been blessed to have this pregnancy go easier, and I’ve been feeling movement of quite a few weeks now, I love it…although I feel bad that I don’t get as excited as I did with my first…I’m not sure if it’s because it’s my second or because of what I’m dealing with…either way I feel bad that I’m not enjoying it as much as I should.


#18

Thanks for that YinYangMom, the area that my family lives in and I lived in is the Central Valley, cost of living isn’t so bad except for housing prices they are ridiculous…luckily we all own our homes there. The biggest problem is work, there is none…and the pay is very low. There are not very many jobs in my field available, that market is saturated, what I see here is that there are so many schools and universities in close proximity that there is bound to be something available. Thank you so much for your prayers, I really need them since I find myself very discouraged in my prayer life at times.


closed #19

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