My husband of 30 years recently admitted to receiving very explicit lap dances, about 6 per year for three years. (He since has stopped because the roughness gave him a deformity called peronies disease - a bent penis). Although he apologized for hurting me deeply, he does not admit that he did anything wrong, equating what he did to just looking at a Playboy magazine. He since has promised to never do it again. However, I am now stuck with a marriage to a guy with a huge character defect that I didn’t realize existed. I am finding it hard to go on with our marriage. We are in counseling. What should I do?
*Your thread title indicates that your husband is ‘unrepentant,’ but if he has apologized, and has since stopped…and is in counseling, chances are…he seems repentant. Has he been to confession? (assuming he’s Catholic) If not, that would be another excellent thing to do…the Sacrament of Reconciliation is not there to shame us, it’s there to heal us. If he hasn’t been, that would be great for him to go.
I think that you should give things a chance. I don’t advocate divorce, just from the little you write here, I think that if you both work hard at things, your marriage can heal from this, and believe it or not…be even better. I know you are hurting from this ‘betrayal’ right now, and it was a betrayal of sorts.
Prayers for you and him. *
Peronies can be caused by injury or it can be spontaneous, it is very rare. I have never heard of a lap dance causing peronies.
Glad he stopped visiting strip clubs.
Is your husband a practicing Catholic?
I am sorry to hear about your hubby’s addiction…But it seems that he’s changing his ways…And maybe now you two can rekindle the love all over again! Yes it is difficult to hear and to live with someone whom has hurt you but he seems honest enough to tell you what happened and to try and make things better! That’s more than many men I know are willing to do…Continue going to counseling together and alone so you can have some space and privacy as needed to vent…Things will get better! You are in my prayers, GOD bless…
Peyronie’s disease probably cannot be caused by a lap dance. In fact, I’d bet alot of money that it’s virtually impossible.
If your husband apologized…and you two are in counseling…than what else is the problem? Are there other problems in the marriage?
Regardless, I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Stay in counceling and give it some more time. After 30 years, you guys can probably work it out.
However, I am now stuck with a marriage to a guy with a huge character defect that I didn’t realize existed. I am finding it hard to go on with our marriage. We are in counseling. What should I do?
Of course, you have no huge character defects at all, now do you?
Stay in counseling- but I would ask strongly for honesty and that he be tested for all STDs before you resume sexual relations. You need to be protect yourself from the many things out there especially the ones that can kill you like HIV or Hep C. Repentance doesn’t mean SAYING I’m sorry - It means SHOWING it.
That’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Of course, we ALL have “character defects” of one sort or another, but unless the OP paid strange men to rub their crotches in her face several times a year for the last several years, I think she has a right to be upset and worried about what kind of man her husband really is, in light of his unrepentence. If he doesn’t think what he did was wrong, he might, like our former president, not believe that oral sex is really sex, so to him that may not constitute cheating either. Don’t dismiss her concerns! What if you found out your spouse engaged in that activity, and was unrepentant, would you still have the “oh, I’m not perfect, either”, attitude?
What kind of man her husband is? With all due respect, because the man went to a strip club and got a few lap dances does not mean the man is a changed/disturbed/distrustful/evil man. It is NOT right behavior, and I am not justifying it by any means, but let’s get a grip on here. He’s in counseling, he’s giving his marriage a shot…he’s a sinner, like you and I.
I’m a bachelor who does not frequent those kind of clubs. I’m (duh) celibate, and don’t have a dog in the fight, but I really have never understood why all of a sudden, if a man or woman has an affair, it casts there all aspects of their character in a different Why are sexual sins considered the worst?
Sorry to rant a bit. I mean no disrespect.
Lies. When a man and woman are in a marriage, they trust the other to be faithful.
This man had sexual relations - just because it was not intercourse does not mean it is not sex - with another women or several other women. Each of those is a violation of the trust.
When he went to these sex clubs, he lied (I doubt if he came in and said “honey, I am going to run over to the local brothel/strip club and get a lap dance, don’t wait up!”). Those are more times he voilated the trust.
People of character do not lie.
It will take a long time before the OP can trust again, if EVER.
*I think that ALLGIRLS was saying that the OP has a ‘right’ to be angry…not that the husband has a major character defect. That said, sexual sins usually incapsulate other sins…lying, deceit, etc…In order to go to the strip clubs that often, he had to lie to his wife often. So, it’s natural that the OP would question ‘what kind of man’ has she been married to all this time who would do this? Moreover I think, she feels like she doesn’t know her husband very much. That would hurt anyone…to think you know the person you’re married to, but alas, he/she has been lying to you for some time and frequenting strip clubs? And…not just watching – watching is bad enough, but sounds like a lot more went on. So, it’s definitely something that would make a spouse wonder who she is married to.
I think that the OP has a justified right to being angry and hurt, but it seems that her husband is willing to change. If she is willing to hang in there, their marriage might be better than ever. With God, all things are possible *
I think we’re going to have to agree to disagree on this one.
We’re all part of fallen humanity, and people of character make mistakes, including sometimes lying, cheating , etc. It very well might be a violation of trust, but it can be rebuilt, and forgiven. Also, there is a huge difference between a lap dance and an affair. Both are wrong, but they are not morally equivalent.
Like I said, I see your point, but I respectfully disagree with it.
Keep working with him. Communicate. Keep going to counseling. Work work work. Be stubborn about your marriage… don’t let anything keep you from working on it.
It is possible to get through this. It’s possible to get through much worse than this. And you’ll likely be stronger when you come out on the other side
I’ve gone through similar, and it takes a little while to trust again, but if he’s serious, it’s totally possible. (This was about 5 years ago, we’re as strong as ever today.)
No one is saying their marriage can’t recover from this. What we’re saying is that the OP is completely justified in her feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, and confusion. And imo, the only difference between a lap dance (which, done once- lapse of judgement at a bachelor party, for example-could be understandable, but her husband has apparently been having them pretty regularly for 3 years now! :eek:) and an affair is that one is a purely physical betrayel, while the other is both physical and emotional. I’m sorry, but a married man who has a naked woman other than his spouse bounce on his lap and shake her boobs in his face IS cheating! OP is NOT overreacting, no matter what her own “faults” may be (assuming she has never cheated on him, of course).
Didn’t say she was overreacting, just giving some encouragement. I see nothing wrong with that.
Also, I don’t think it’s healthy to harp on the definition of cheating. If it was cheating to her, then it was cheating to her… it’s not really good for us to sit here and condemn the man 1) when there’s healing to be done and 2) when he’s not here to defend himself. It’s not our place. It’s their business, not ours.
Just trying to be a bit more positive than some of the other posts in this thread.
I totally agree, I was just responding to the poster who suggested that because she has “character flaws” as well, she doesn’t have a right to be upset and not trust him. I’m not advocating she kick him out and/or divorce him. They should definately keep pursuing counseling and try to save their marriage.
When did he tell you? After the physical ailment showed up, or before? Would he have admitted a problem if he didn’t end up with a bent penis that would have had you suspicious? Did you catch him before he admitted what he was up to?
If so, I can see how you would have a tough time learning to trust him again. The fact that he is minimizing three years of sneaking out to have girls rub their crotches and boobs against him means he is minimizing the hurt he caused you, the huge breach in trust. That hurt will not go away until he acknowledges it. That is the first step towards building up the marriage again.
He needs to acknowledge your feelings. Otherwise, there will be no healing.
He has to admit that what he did was wrong. Have him read Matthew 5:28 tonight. Then he will realize what he did was wrong, and was fundamentally adulterous. Then he needs to go to confession.
You need to forgive him for what he did. And yes, you need to forgive him, even if he does not ask for it. This is what is required of us, whenever we pray The Lord’s Prayer. If you have ever asked the Lord for forgiveness of your own sins, then you need to forgive your husband for his sins.
He can never go back to that strip club again. You need to set firm boundaries in your relationship with him. You can forgive your husband, while still setting these boundaries, as to what is acceptable, and what is not. Your husband cannot attend strip clubs - you need to make it very clear that this is out of bounds. I am sure your counselor will reinforce you, as you try to set these boundaries.
If he does this again, there must be consequences. If he breaks his vows, tell him that you will be sleeping at another place, until he decides to become faithful. You will be sleeping at a friend’s or relative’s place, until this comes to an end.
- I hope he is receiving medical treatment for his “injury”. If he is not, then he needs to go to a doctor, immediately.