Should I stress about this situation with my wife


#1

Should I stress about this. My wife the other night had her Christmas party, and she had a few drinks. She said that after the party she needed help putting items away and one of her male co-workers helped her. She said that they sat in her car and talked for a while, and then went back inside. I am upset over this, and it had been constantly in my thoughts. My wife told me this after she had been drinking. I am just not sure if I should let it go, or to keep dwelling on it. I needed to vent this. God Bless.


#2

If it's not a regular occurrence and if there aren't other "warning signs" I wouldn't worry about it. I can understand why you're upset, but it doesn't sound like anything unsavory happened or is brewing.

Obviously, it is bothering you. If it were my husband, I would want him to parse through his feelings on his own, and once he composed his thoughts, calmly tell me how he feels in a non-combative and non-blaming way. Saying, "I'm not saying what you did was wrong, but this is how it made me feel..." is a great way to start that conversation.


#3

It wasn't wise of her to sit in her car talking with him. That is an intimate place to just talk on your own with a non-partner. If she wanted to talk she should do so in a more public place. Even if innocent, it does potentially create a precedence for intimate talks, and for his getting the wrong idea. But if you treat it as calmly as you can, without putting her on the defensive which would destroy the possibility of negotiating about it. She was open about it, which shows she hadn't bad intent, but it's best not to play around with human nature, if not of self, then of others.


#4

I she had been sober this would not have bothered me as much. But, the fact that she was drinking and being alone with him this bothers me.


#5

Are you upset about the other man or about the drinking?

It seems that you are implying that this happened *because *she had been drinking. If so, then forget about the coworker. The problem is that your wife drinks more than she should when away from home. I'm assuming she still had to drive home.

Were you at the party?


#6

Question then: are you more concerned with the perception of what this man may NOW think? worried about a signal your wife may have sent him?

Then I would talk to her about that.

Or ... are you really concerned that something happened? Or this may be the start of something happening?

Just giving you something to think through.


#7

The drinking is not the issue at all. Yeah she may have had a little more than should when driving. But, I am concerned that after driking she was sitting and chatting with a close male co-worker in her car. I would not do that, as it does not seem right, and possibly giving the wrong impression. I guess regardless of what I think she would never admit it either way if she did do something. She is a great wife and mother, but we rarely have relations and with this scituation it just makes me think that something may have happend.


#8

[quote="mkipp, post:7, topic:222365"]
The drinking is not the issue at all. Yeah she may have had a little more than should when driving. But, I am concerned that after driking she was sitting and chatting with a close male co-worker in her car. I would not do that, as it does not seem right, and possibly giving the wrong impression. I guess regardless of what I think she would never admit it either way if she did do something. She is a great wife and mother, but we rarely have relations and with this scituation it just makes me think that something may have happend.

[/quote]

Sounds like the drinking may have led to poor decision making. If that's the case, then the drinking is an issue.

Would she have done the same thing had she not been drinking?


#9

You might try, "Honey, this time you spent alone with John in his car last night....should this bother me? What I mean is: is there something you need to talk to me about, but you don't know how to raise the question? I know that sometimes when a married woman talks to a man privately, she's trying to figure out men, and what her husband could possibly be thinking. I want to make sure that I'm not being clueless about your feelings in some way, or something like that."

In other words, reiterate that you are most interested that you might possibly be failing* her *in some way without knowing it. Make this about caring about being a good husband, rather than the possiblity that she might care less than she should about being a good wife. When women stray, it is often because they don't think their husbands understand them or that the husbands have stopped caring about their wives' needs. That is how a woman will often rationalize a relationship with a man not her husband, a relationship that starts out to be innocently meant, but which grows into coveting something that she cannot have. Once she begins to covet what she does not have and loses gratitiue for what she has, she can grow to hate what she has. If what she has becomes more obviously something to cherish, it can nip the temptation in the bud.

It is more likely that she has some problem with a co-worker that she thinks "John" will understand and you won't. It could be that "John" was quizzing your wife about how to understand his wife or girlfriend. Whatever the case, it never hurts to deal with any threat to your relationship by showing caring and commitment to your wife before anything else. That makes the mental rationalizations that ruin marriages far harder to pull off.

If your wife is innocent, and you treat her as being innocent, you will have won additional affection from her, and she will know you prize her. If she is not innocent, or not entirely innocent, and yet you treat her as trustworthy and reiterate how much you care about her, your trust and caring will sting her conscience. That is why I think this is the closest thing you have to a no-lose way to handle the situation.

Once you learn for a fact that she is making the kind of rationalizations that can ruin a marriage, get some outside help from a pastor or counsellor, either for yourself as a couple or, if she won't go for that, for yourself alone. It is not the kind of thing you want to manage by yourself. If you only have little nagging doubts to go on, work on showing your wife that you cherish her and your friendship and romance with her. That is always time well-spent! :thumbsup:


#10

[quote="mkipp, post:7, topic:222365"]
The drinking is not the issue at all. Yeah she may have had a little more than should when driving. But, I am concerned that after driking she was sitting and chatting with a close male co-worker in her car. I would not do that, as it does not seem right, and possibly giving the wrong impression. I guess regardless of what I think she would never admit it either way if she did do something. She is a great wife and mother, but we rarely have relations and with this scituation it just makes me think that something may have happend.

[/quote]

Oh....now you know where this feeling is stemming from. Got to deal with that first.

Tonight is Saturday ... go out on a date and get some alone time! And by that I don't necessarily mean relations, spend some time talking to her and use this situation as a wake up call to your relationship.

I had an online affair with an old friend. I craved attention more than anything from my husband. So, maybe you are seeing a warning sign, maybe she is as well because she told you, this is a co-worker that she probably sees a lot, talks to a lot... etc...it's time to put back on those dating clothes and get back out there together, enjoying alone time, quality time together...really....

That's my advice....

Saying a prayer for you.

Dana

Just want to add, because I didn't: I am not justifying her actions at all. She shouldn't have done this. However, she did. And thankfully you know about it.
.


#11

[quote="DJgang, post:10, topic:222365"]
Oh....now you know where this feeling is stemming from. Got to deal with that first.

Tonight is Saturday ... go out on a date and get some alone time! And by that I don't necessarily mean relations, spend some time talking to her and use this situation as a wake up call to your relationship.

I had an online affair with an old friend. I craved attention more than anything from my husband. So, maybe you are seeing a warning sign, maybe she is as well because she told you, this is a co-worker that she probably sees a lot, talks to a lot... etc...it's time to put back on those dating clothes and get back out there together, enjoying alone time, quality time together...really....

That's my advice....

Saying a prayer for you.

I wish that we could do those date things but with a one year old and no sitter it is impossible. During the week she does not get home until 7pm, and by the time the baby goes to bed time there is not a lot of time to hang out. I just see so many relationships fail I am worried that this could happen to me. If I brought this up to her she would just get angry and tell me that I don't trust her.

Dana

Just want to add, because I didn't: I am not justifying her actions at all. She shouldn't have done this. However, she did. And thankfully you know about it.
.

[/quote]


#12

Obviously your wife's choice to sit in the car with her male co-worker has caused you distress. Drinking may explain her behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. You say your wife told you, but after she had been drinking. You say you can't keep dwelling on it, so you either have to let it go, or address it quickly and when neither of you have had any alcohol. God bless.


#13

[quote="mkipp, post:7, topic:222365"]
The drinking is not the issue at all. Yeah she may have had a little more than should when driving. But, I am concerned that after driking she was sitting and chatting with a close male co-worker in her car. I would not do that, as it does not seem right, and possibly giving the wrong impression. I guess regardless of what I think she would never admit it either way if she did do something. She is a great wife and mother, but we rarely have relations and with this scituation it just makes me think that something may have happend.

[/quote]

Take care of improving your relationship with your wife, and particularly her perception of how much you cherish her. If she has problems with you or feels even vaguely that her needs are not being met, you won't save your marriage by direct attacks on inappropriate relationships with other men. You ought to be able to put your foot down by right, but you're going to be "dead right" if you use your conjugal rights instead of your conjugal duties to wage this battle.

The time to set boundaries on how the two of you relate to friends of the opposite sex is when your friendship and romance are on firm and happy ground. Get the grass good and green where the two of you are standing. The time when that has been done is when she will be most open to building any needed fences. You may need them sooner, but the fence won't stand if the posts aren't put in where the footing is firm.


#14

[quote="mkipp, post:7, topic:222365"]
The drinking is not the issue at all. Yeah she may have had a little more than should when driving. But, I am concerned that after driking she was sitting and chatting with a close male co-worker in her car. I would not do that, as it does not seem right, and possibly giving the wrong impression. I guess regardless of what I think she would never admit it either way if she did do something. She is a great wife and mother, but we rarely have relations and with this scituation it just makes me think that something may have happend.

[/quote]

I don't know that this is what you are implying but it's coming off as if you are saying that you are disappointed in your wife for making bad decisions when she has had a bit (too much?) to drink and you'd like her to make wiser decisions after she's been drinking. That doesn't make any sense because either 1) she's wise enough to make good decisions whether she is drinking or not or 2) she lacks the ability to know whether she is making wise decisions once she's had the drinks. If she's the one telling you that this happened because she had been drinking then she's just admitted to a drinking problem.
In any case, I think EasterJoy has given you some good advice as to what to do next.


#15

Wise advice from EasterJoy, as always.


#16

I would certainly be concerned as well, and I would voice those concerns to her. For one thing, that was very disrespectful to your as her husband to do this (IMHO). Would she like it if you did the same thing? I doubt it!
You and your wife probably should do some counseling together from a Catholic perspective.


#17

I would turn the tables. Say, "How would you feel if I did sat in a car with a female while I was a bit tippy?"

Praying for you my friend.


#18

[quote="Rascalking, post:17, topic:222365"]
I would turn the tables. Say, "How would you feel if I did sat in a car with a female while I was a bit tippy?"

[/quote]

This is a fair question. I'd make these suggestions, though:
a) Don't ask it as a rhetorical question, because then it is just an accusation. Giving his wife room to be defensive is not what the OP will be after, if he is wise. Don't get me wrong: It is understandable that he's upset and he is not unreasonable to find the situation unacceptable. I'm just talking about keeping the main thing the main thing. The main thing is to treat his wife so as to make his marriage as strong as possible. That means going for what is for the greater good over what is fair.

b) If the OP does ask the question, it ought to be as a way to explain his feelings to his wife and to give her a real opportunity to explain what is going on. He might imagine how he would feel if he made the same poor decision, and give the reponse he would be relieved and thankful to find his wife gave him in the same circumstances. IOW, be generous, forgiving, and ready to believe the best of her, in spite of this slip-up.

When the talk about this is over, the best thing would be if the wife is thankful that the Lord gave her such a husband, not feeling as if she's been raked over the coals.


#19

I want to thank you all for the advice. I talked to my wife about this in a non-accusing manner, and everything is good. I believe that nothing happened, and that my wife is sorry for getting herself in that situation. She understands how I was upset, and that it did give the wrong impression.


#20

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